This morning, in my prayer time, I KNEW I had something I was supposed to write.
I KNEW I had a word from God to share.
I also knew that I have a few things to do in order to get up, and come to my computer, and sit down and type it up.
My problem with that is my mental illness – my mental disability – my ‘handicap’ if you will.
In order to write a blog from the LORD – I NEED TO WRITE IT DOWN WHEN I GET IT!

Sometimes, I have written down the scriptures – but not today.
Even when I write down the scriptures, I may not remember, once things have cycled through my rolodex of daily duties, what it was that God was giving me.
If I don’t write it down – I may as well have not obeyed at all – and forget even sitting down at my computer.

That is why there is such a huge time and date difference between some of these steps…
Some, I started writing, and life happened, and I couldn’t remember what I was writing. Those are in drafts…waiting for my mind to remember.
Some, are in notes on a notepad – when I was obedient and wrote something down – but I cannot remember what my notes meant.
Sometimes, I get so busy editing the blog so it looks pretty, and easy for someone to read, and I forget what God’s voice is saying.

Do I stop hearing God’s voice after my morning prayer time? NO!
This has been a lesson I have had to learn.
But, in the quiet of the morning, I hear so much clearer…when I am lying on my bed, only focusing on Him, and my prayers.
It is then, that the writer in me is able to write what she hears – not being distracted – not having the weeds of the world and life float in and distract.

I need to be quiet, body, mind and spirit, to write.
Writing is an act of worship for me – it’s between me and God…and the fruit is what gets shared with others through this blog.
When I am in the ‘God zone’ – there is something that happens to my hands, and I rarely have typos…and I can type VERY fast.

This blog is an attempt to just be obedient to the call to write.
I can ‘feel’ the message in my mind…but I cannot get ‘eyes’ onto it in order to bring it out and share it…my heart will hold it, I know it’s not lost to me, spiritually, but because of my challenges, I cannot type it out. I cannot get it out of my head, and onto the computer screen – or even paper via pen.

Why would God call someone with such a difficulty to write?
I don’t know…and yet, I do.
Anything that I write comes from the Lord…that is, anything that is glorifying to Him! I do write garbage sometimes, later in the day…but early in the morning, when I write things that are blessings to people, those come from the Lord.

I feel like the full field in which the sower sows seeds.
In the morning – the seed falls on good ground…ground prepared by prayer, and worship.
In the afternoon – the weeds of the world start choking it out…I can’t hear as clearly..oh, I hear the basic stuff…but not the things that folks think are really insightful and gifts from God.
By evening…well, the ground is harder…and this is the time that is hardest for me to hear the Lord’s voice…and, it’s not always because my heart is hard, it’s because my inner voices have been telling me all about the things I failed to do that day, possibly starting with, not writing the blog the Lord laid upon my heart.

Moses argued with God that he was not a good speaker…
Gideon argued that he was not courageous…
Peter argued that he was not worthy….
I know what God has called me to do…I have spent time arguing…HE WINS the arguments with “Who made your mouth, ear, mind, hand, legs, back, neck?”
He wins with “who called you?”
He wins with “Do you love me? feed my lambs”
He wins with “If you love me, obey my commands”
HE WINS WITH “I HAVE LOVED YOU WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE!”

And how could I say no to that?
Well, I have. over and over.
But, HE continues to reply to me, over and over, with the paraphrases above, and others.

You see, My God is a personal God – and I call Him, Abba, Father!
My Jesus is my personal savior, and HE calls me friend.

Ps 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

It breaks my heart that I cannot remember what God shared with me this morning…and that I cannot share it with you.
Some will say “Then it obviously wasn’t supposed to be shared” and they will miss the point.
When God calls a person to do His will, and they refuse, or delay, or object, or whatever….His will is going to be done, but not through that person.
The thing is, what if there was someone that would have read this blog – and had their heart turn, and because I did not speak to them, their blood is on my head?

Ez 22:30 And I sought for a man among them, that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none.

Ez 33:6 But if the watchman see the sword come, and blow not the trumpet, and the people be not warned; if the sword come, and take [any] person from among them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at the watchman’s hand.

These chapters in Ezekiel do not give much leeway for the watch(wo)man that does not choose to stand in the gap, nor shout out the warning to draw in the children of God.

On the other hand, maybe this is the blog I was supposed to write…
What has God called YOU to do?
Be about YOUR Father’s business…the time is short…we know not the hour or the day, and it doesn’t have to be the rapture. Every moment of every day, we are called to speak the truth and shine a light….

I pray that my confession has touched your heart…to turn to the Lord – not take your hand off the plow, and to press on towards the mark of the prize of the high calling of Christ Jesus!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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