Psalm 90:12

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

This is today’s 750words. It’s about #mydays.

Warning – it is NOT a theological discussion! It does contain potential triggering information.

It is my heart cry to understand.

deep breath
i wish that i had a whole lot more experience with good doctors.
doctors that cared about their patients, and cared about the outcome and that were more concerned about their healthy recovery than their money.
why would someone go into medicine and not be concerned about their patients?
really, do so many go in just to have a profitable career?
Lord you brought S and M into our lives at a very difficult time, and for them, the time has gotten very difficult.
it’s negligence and a man’s life is in danger.
this make me furious.

thank you, lord for the senior tech that did my eyes yesterday.
thank you, lord that she and i were able to come up with a possible cause. sugar!
ok, another reason for me to stop sugar! sigh.
i’m supposed to be taking care of this temple.
and I eat sugar when i am frustrated, angry, sad, glad, afraid!
i eat sugar to comfort and to celebrate.
why?
my emotions are not allowed!
it’s more acceptable for someone to eat their emotions than to show their emotions.
it feels better to scream that i am angry about a doctor not caring for my friend well.
but, with a quiet man as my husband – and it’s not his fault – i tend to try to be more quiet for him. he’d laugh at that! but lord, you know it’s true.
it’s more acceptable to go to a party and sit and eat cake and drink alcohol than it is to jump up and down and hug and high five…unless of course you are watching a football game and at a football party/bar.
i’m really a very demonstrative person – at least I used to be.
as a child – i loved to do things and give things and make things for people, and i remember the time i was surprised with my first bike for my birthday. i ran and jumped up on my dad to give him a hug, i probably screamed! I was so happy.
i wonder what happened.

i don’t have to wonder too hard – sex happened.
if i made him mad – sex
if i made him happy – sex
if he gave me something – sex
it was always sex
and then i would hurt
of course, a child would hurt from the sex of an adult –
13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2
EIGHTEEN MONTHS
sex done to a child would hurt –
it’s why the ob/gyns in the navy saw such damage to my vagina and cervix –
it’s why they said i could never have children
my insides were such a mess the stoic navy guy doc gasped when doing the exam.
“it’s a mess in here! What happened?” actually – wth happened here?
He actually jumped.
I didn’t know – so I asked “what are you talking about.”
he quickly composed himself – “oh, just some scarring.”
12 years later the memories returned.
but it took years for me to put the pieces together, the things that happened in the present(at that time) while i did not remember, and put them together with the memories.
timelines – i want timelines!
but my memories are fading…i only have my journals.
and, the book. I’m supposed to write this book about my past, how i got to my present and my goals for my future.
and, i wonder if that doctor had told me what he’d seen, would i have started to remember? of course, they were not allowed to ‘lead’ a victim…they were not allowed to plant ideas into the head of a victim.
so I went along through life, wondering what was wrong with me…not knowing that it was something done to me.
what about doctors?
what about the family doctor that cared for me…shouldn’t he have known?
except there was nothing they could do back then, unless the child said something.
thank GOD that my mom apparently found out when I was 12 – sent me away to Florida, and separated from, then divorced my dad.
family called me the whore, the hussy, the tramp, slut – but i had no idea what had happened to me.
such horrors cause the brain to break into little pieces. thing were locked away.

but that trip to Florida set me up to meet Jerry the evangelist – and find out how to be a christian – to find out how to read the bible(didn’t know that was part of being a christian) – found out that I love love love the bible.
The memories almost ruined our marriage.
The memories still haunt our marriage.
The memories still hinder our marriage.
the memories, well, the act, has left scars in my body, my mind, my heart – and even in my spirit and whether i can trust my father God.
But I have learned grace.
I have learned forgiveness.
I’m still learning grace and forgiveness – daily.
but, mostly, it’s learning to give myself grace and mercy, extend forgiveness to myself – and then, to allow God to fill me with His Spirit – and to believe what I’ve written – that I have been chosen since before the foundation of the world.
I am loved by the creator of the universe!
I have worth, because THE GOD says so!
And who am I to argue with God?
I love you Lord Jesus – I ask you to stay
close by me forever and love me I pray
keep all your dear children in your tender care
and take us to heaven to live with thee there.
Amen!

No wonder I’ve struggled with suicide and depression all of my life.
No wonder I am an advocate for mental health awareness and rights.
No wonder I feel for those that cannot speak for themselves, that do not understand what is going on, that are bullied, abused, baited and attacked.
My past experiences have made me who I am.
My faith in Jesus Christ has kept me alive.
My heart is filled with emotion, and I feel so much.
I pray that I am a light, a source of grace and love to everyone.
In Jesus’ name.

I need to write this book – That is what today’s 750words has opened up for me.
I am able to write about this, without falling apart for weeks, or ending up in the hospital.
I am able to be ridiculed and called names without falling apart.
I have grown – and for that I thank Jehovah – Yhwh – G_d – through Jesus Christ, and by His Holy Spirit.
If it’s not clear which God I serve…it’s because someone isn’t listening!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

• Blue Letter Bible and
• Bible Gateway and
• Bible Hub
• Torah Class

for the ability to search the Bible online.

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