2018 Summary – My One Word and other thoughts

Hello 2019!
Good bye 2018.
But first, I tend to look over the past year, and see any mistakes, misunderstandings, mess ups so I can potentially change that for the next year.

One thing I have not normally done is look over the last year for successes! Hmmm, that goes along with my mental illness cognitive distortions…I’ve talked about those in other places. I think that the final days of 2018, I experienced a success. Let me tell you that story!

Last days of 2018 revelation

I had held my husband to a dream I called a vision that I had for us…and I held my children to one when they lived in our house. It was for our joy and the glory of God, so it’s all good, right?

Let me tell you the story.
We had just attended church where the pastor was talking about the mission statement for our church:

  • Loved
  • Life
  • Fulfill your purpose

Pastor talked about how after a very tragic event in he and his wife’s life, they were seeking God about what to do. They realized that they saw others hurting the same way they were, and they could minister to them, and give them hope. Out of that heart was born our church.

Now, this is the key to my purpose and ministry. Out of my wounds, I reach out to other wounded women, and lead them to the healing power and love of Jesus.

After Church, Jim and I went to dinner.
I like to discuss the message after church, it seems to help me settle it down in my heart.

I asked Jim what was his purpose in life.
“To be like Jesus”

Um, that is the general call of God to all those who believe upon Him. That is NOT a specific call.
Here’s what I have seen over the years.

  • He and I have had difficulties learning each other’s love languages.
  • He and I have separated and come back together, not with the heavenly music and angels, with the romantic nuances, but by hard work and determination to stay the course as a married couple(we both agree God called us to marry).
  • He and I have tools that we could share with other couples.
  • We have been told that we have a testimony that will change marriages.
  • We have been told that we are called to take what we’ve learned and share it with others.

I asked Jim what was his purpose in life.
“To Be Like Jesus”

Jim has no desire to be in couples ministry.
Jim has no desire to minister to other couples.
Let me clarify that last one.
Jim has no desire to minister to other couples AS A COUPLE.
In fact, we do not have the same point of view about how our marriage has been saved, nor about the testimony of the years, nor about how or what we’ve done, other than God.

My heart broke…Jim had no calling to minister with me to couples that were hurting.
This explained why he had no desire to give counsel to our children about the pit falls they were walking into in their relationships.
This explains why whenever I talk about marriage ministry I hear crickets.

So, I broke down, and spent a day in bed crying out to God.
What is wrong?
Why can’t he see his call?
“Is it his call?”
But Lord, it’s the focus of all things Bible…take the evil and turn it to good…take the wounded to bring healing…our marriage was broken, is broken, but we have tools that we can share to save other marriages!
“What is your call?”
To glean from my wounds to help the wounded seek Jesus and be healed, loved, and delivered.
And the Lord reminded me of one of my visions.
I was standing before women, with healing flowing from my hands as I spoke.
Jim wasn’t there.
The children weren’t there.
Only me.
THIS WAS MY CALL ALL ALONG!

The Revelation?
HE DID NOT HAVE THIS CALL!
Do I?
Maybe, but not as a couple, if Jim doesn’t have the call!
It kind of takes a couple to be a couple in ministry to couples. I’m only half of the couple!

Another revelation as I looked at OUR calling…
I also felt that the fact that our children and we collectively represented all 7 motivational giftings, and could be an enormous powerhouse for God…we just had to die to self and learn to work together! A ministering family!
I wanted our family to enjoy the joy of being with Jesus that I enjoyed when I did street ministry, beach witnessing, discipleship, working with homeless, and crisis pregnancy and wounded women. I wanted them to be part of the same joy that I was experiencing.

Instead, I was projecting my dream upon them.
Was there anything wrong with my dream?
No. there are plenty of families that have similar ministries to what I dreamed of.
Was there anything wrong with my approach?
Yes – if God didn’t give them a call, then I was pushing them, and that is NOT the way God works.
Can I see their giftings?
Yes.
Can I make them walk in their giftings?
No.
Can I place a call upon their lives because of the one placed upon my life?
Only if I am God…and I am not…and everyone said or shouted “AMEN”

I repeat, I was projecting a form of my ministry calling upon them. It’s NOT MY JOB to tell them what their calling is!
I’M NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT!

Again, let’s all say AMEN! and THANK GOD!

I apologized to Jim, and asked him to give me grace because i do see the greatness in him, and I see the potential for his story to help heal others, and I know that he is doing so, but not with me.

With me.
Hmmm.

Therein lies one of the lies I have embraced, or the fears that I have allowed to lead me.
I don’t want to be alone.
I will be all alone.
I will fail all alone.
I am alone.

One of the mental illnesses causes me fear when I meet new people that they will not like me or that they will hurt me.
It’s something that by God’s grace, I fight with His word, and when I am on His mission, fear is gone, and I can only love and reach out in Jesus’ name.

Before being anointed in an outing, I am fully human, and fully fighting for fear to leave and love to replace it.

Jim has been a rock for me here on earth – Jesus with skin on, if you will. He has the ability to ground me in an instant…not in the grounding like punishment, but in the grounding like mental peace.

My love languages are words…
Words of affirmation
Quality time

His are not.
Therefore, why would I think that he would be called to speak? Or write? Or do anything with words?
Now, to be honest, his current job has seen him grow in word usage tremendously, and his favorite game is words with friends.

His main language is acts of service…and he has an amazingly generous heart! Two very wonderful giftings!

When we were first married, he thought I was offended that he wasn’t as exuberant as I with worship. I didn’t understand, but I wasn’t offended or judging. Once we discussed it, I understood…he’s very quiet. When he lifts his hand in praise, he is moved tremendously!

I have spent much of our married life expecting a dream to come true if only…

  • If only I was more submissive
  • If only Jim was more open
  • If only I was more prayerful
  • If only Jim would learn to share(with me)
  • If only I was more reserved
  • If only Jim was more If only I were more…
  • THIS IS NOT FAIR TO EITHER OF US!

Jim’s call may very well be to be like Jesus.
He may have a more specific call.
I may have muddied the waters by putting out there the “call” I dreamed of…and for that, I am eternally sorry.

  • Our marriage has suffered because of my actions.
  • Our family has suffered because of my actions.
  • Our ministries have suffered because of me.

I’ve been learning about recognizing MY CALL for a little while…I mean a SHORT while!
The Associate pastor at church asked me to consider working with the children, because there was a great need. In the split second before I answered, I asked the Lord what to say. Here’s what He told me to say.

“Children’s ministry is where I hide out from doing my actual ministry. It’s an excuse not to work with wounded women”

Pastor Bob got it.
So did I.

Don’t project your call upon someone else!
And don’t let someone else project the need upon you as a call!

Pastor Keith said something else.
If you are not called to this church, I don’t want you here. Go where God wants you!

I’m not sure what that means about Jim and his choice for a church, but I cannot let go that I was called to this church.
That brings up another sticky situation in our marriage, doesn’t it?
But that’s something for us to work on in 2019.

You may be asking how is this a success?
I REALIZED THE SOURCE OF HUGE STRESS IN OUR MARRIAGE AND MY WALK WITH THE LORD!

Once you find the problem, you can find a solution.
Jim was very gracious in accepting my apology.
I’ve apologized for the pressures I put on our children before…and they have to walk in their healing, as all children have to walk in healing towards their human parents for being imperfect. That walk, in each of them, is taking different turns and ups and downs, but, we are so proud of our children.
No, non are in ministry.
No, non are in the super professions like doctor, lawyer, king.
All are functioning members of US society, providing for themselves, and in a couple cases, for their children.
All are ethical, moral, and can create an excellent argument from scripture, and some are even influencing social media for good in ways we’d never have expected.

And, we love them all.

So, to rehash “Be Like Jesus” I’m going to post some of the blogs.
My word for last year didn’t come gently. I started 2018 in pain.
Emotional and Physical.
On January 3, 2018, I didn’t like the phrase God was giving me, nor did I like the application thereof! My first writing as on learning the priority to love – like Jesus. It’s convicting, even a year later! I’m still not doing it so well, but I think the testimony at the beginning of this blog, as in, the end of 2018, says I’m learning something!

Midnight Musings are usually poetic, but the points that God gave me in the night, January 6, 2018, were these:

    • Glorify God in my struggles
    • Empathy
    • Do Good
    • Love
    • Joy
    • Peace

.

My first blog about my one word is also review of the Star Trek series Discovery. I discussed the pros and cons for this show, but, in light of “Be Like Jesus”, I came to this conclusion:

MY views…….
While they are encouraging and inspirational – they do not fill me with the love of Jesus that is MY healing power.

There’s much scripture about how I am trying to apply choices in my life. Because, being like Jesus IS a choice!

January 15th, I started unraveling some human aspects to what was keeping me from being like Jesus. Sin.

THIS IS OUR CHOICE! But if we remain afraid…if we continue lying…we will not know this freedom.

It includes one of my favorite songs by Keith Green:

Another huge thing I had to learn is that resting is being like Jesus! Say What? Yes. January 23, 2018, God cleared up the whole be Super Christian mentality for me, and let me know that HE knows that I need rest, and that HE even exemplified it for me, and created it for me! You also get a nice photo of my spoon collection!

How does this tell me to be like Jesus? REST
1. Recognize my limitations. I am finite. I am NOT GOD-Man!
2. Embrace the YOKE of HIS calling, not MY want to. Make sure I’m doing the Father’s will.
3. Remember that REST is a holy gift from my Father God. It honors God for me to rest.

The rest of the year, I wrote about preparation, recouperation, and recovery from Kidney Cancer in the Surgery Scuttlebutt series. It really was about how I learned how to be like Jesus going through a tremendous trial.

My praise in that time is that Jim said that I was always polite to the staff, no matter what their position, always thanking and always apologizing, no matter how many drugs I was on. I hope the two friends that came to stay with me afterwards can say the same. I was actively learning to be like Jesus!

I wrote several Bible studies, Lent Series, Itty Bitty Bible study, all of which you can search for on this blog. Each one, each insight into scripture, and scripture is how I learn to be like Jesus.

The huge thing(no, kidney cancer and surgery were not the most huge thing in my life this year) was shared in The End is Near… This is a play on my one word, but it is the testimony of how Jesus orchestrated our life change. It goes right up to the kidney surgery, which is then picked up in Surgery Scuttlebutt.

There are so many verses that can lead one to be like Jesus.
I can’t list them all.
There are many listed in the above blogs.
This year, I’m starting out doing Itty Bitty Bible Study in Titus – and the first few verses are about the qualities that should be evident in those that lead.

Titus 1:6-9 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
6 one who is blameless,
the husband of one wife,
having faithful children not accused of wildness or rebellion.
7 For an overseer, as God’s administrator,
must be blameless,
not arrogant,
not hot-tempered,
not addicted to wine,
not a bully,
not greedy for money,
8 but hospitable,
loving what is good,
sensible,
righteous,
holy,
self-controlled,
9 holding to the faithful message as taught,
so that he will be able both to encourage with sound teaching
and to refute those who contradict it.

That is a huge order.
But with God, nothing is impossible.
The fruit of the Spirit are evident in that list.
And, while I am not the husband of one wife…I can be committed to my one husband, and non of the others can be argued against, can they?

I guess, even though the phrase has changed….the concept is still the same!

Proverbs 4:23 English Standard Version (ESV)
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.

Jesus kept his heart with all diligence, and we can agree that out of His heart flows springs of life.

Happy New year!

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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