Author Archives: christartist

Who Am I? Who Do I want to be?

I have been digging deep.
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?
What do I need to do to get there?

Who am I? Who do I want to be?
MCWW – daughter of the Most High King through the grace of Jesus Christ
Christi – wife to WildRoss – desiring to aim for the goal of the Proverbs 31 wife.
Mom
Gramma
ChristArtist – painter of peace, writer of wisdom(or learn from my mistakes)

I think it’s time to move ChristArtist up on the list – but not neglect Christi, Mom or Gramma.

I have fibromyalgia, adrenal fatigue, sugar issues, and 100 pounds to lose.
I live with pain – but I don’t have to eat to deal with it.

My life has layers – sometimes like an onion, sometimes like a beautiful torte.
1.Faith
2. marriage
3. Home
4. family
5. Health
6. focus(art and writing)

I need to move these around a bit:
1 Faith
2 Health
3 Marriage
4 home
5 Focus
6 family

I need to create a plan for each – each layer has it’s own needs – it’s own scheduling issues – it’s own requirements.
But, #1 – if my faith isn’t where I need it to be – I fall.
Ps 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.

But #2 – if my health isn’t at it’s best – I can’t do any of it!
But #3 – if my relationship with WildRoss isn’t up to par – stress for both of us multiplies.

But if 1+2+3 are taken care of they equal 6 –
I believe what I am seeing is that if I put the first three in order – the rest will follow.
Of course, there is the aspect of friends and fellowship – and I can never get away from who I am – friendly, caring, and giving.
I believe that these will flow out of the first three as well.
Health is fitness AND food.
But for me – mental health is key – so I need to focus on that FAITH issue.
Ps 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

So, I have dug deeply – as my body has refused to allow me to do anything but some swimming and some walking – AND WALKING UP A LIGHTHOUSE!
AND, while my AF has been acting up with the FMS – I need to go back to some workouts that helped me rehab – so that I COULD do things.

I’m not going to preach this program – but I am going to DO IT.
It made HUGE changes in my life one year – and I abandoned it – because “It’s not ‘real’ exercise”
Me at TTapp Retreat.

And skin brushing…this is so effective for fibro and lymphatic drainage.
Eating what I know is best for me…

At least it is one that I can do – I can improve – and I can heal while doing it.
For goodness sake – I have no hip pain because of the movements I learned doing this!
I have turned around lymphatic swelling by movements that I learned in doing this!
Why have I not continued? Well because I have some issues with some layers and thinking that I need to lift heavy things.

I need to love me enough to take care of me! That is HUGE!

I think I am abandoning this challenge – to focus on these areas…which actually is in line with several of my first challenges this year.
And it is in line with finding out who I am – and what I want to be and do.

Actually – if you don’t have a goal for where you are going, isn’t that just called wandering?
My deep digging this last week has put some goals in to focus – some reality into CLEAR focus – and clarified my focus.

On that note –
No eye surgery – A week ago – the blindness disappeared. I I wasn’t looking forward to eye surgery – or being 1/4 blind!
Delayed neck surgery – I found a chiro that works with this stuff – and by God’s grace, chiro and TTapp have strengthened herniated discs in my low back, I want to give this a try! He also does the ART massage, which may help with the fibro issues.

There is another issue that has come up, that could be serious – but I am waiting until I speak with that doctor. Or it could be my body getting used to being forced to actually move!

If you have read this far – thank you.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

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Time keeps on slipping, slipping….

Psalms 90:10 The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away.
Ps 90:12 So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.

Today I planned on doing my ‘stats’ – measurements – weigh in – and max reps type thing. I want to see how fast I can walk a mile…I have to walk a 5k in 4 weeks…it’s not a fast walk – but I’d like to know I can walk the whole distance!

I’ve been posting #100happydays on facebook – I suppose I should post them here as well!
today, I hope to do some art…

I am fine tuning my goals to make them SMART – even though this challenge is well underway, one of my goals is to have a plan for my days, weeks, months, years….
I am turning 54 – I need to seize the day!

Who knows how many more I’ll have, but the mathematical fact is that I probably have less left than those I have already lived.
How many things have I said “I’ll so that next time” and it never happened?
Now, when it’s decided that “we’ll do that next time” – I am realizing that, there may never be a next time.
I may never go back to Niagra Falls, or the Grand Canyon, or Sunset Cliffs.
I may never get back to Europe.

http://youtu.be/hRp3RFUIAdU

And then, there are the people that mean the most to me in my life…and, I have made choices, or forced to make choices that effects out time together:

When you lose someone in your life…it’s often not a planned leaving. Recently, I have had to make some decisions that meant I didn’t get to spend time with some very special people…but I had to be mindful of my own body. I may never pass that way again…Time keeps on slippin, slippin – into the future!

So, this makes me live my life more mindful – and it has caused me to make some difficult decisions..but decisions that I make by choice…not by just not making them.
To not decide is to decide to let ‘other forces’ decide for you.
To not choose is a choice in itself.
If I lived to 104, it’s only 50 more years…and my body is not what it was when I was 20.
Average for my family is living to 80 – 26 more years…what can I do with that time?

The Bible story about the farmer that had a huge crop and he tore down his bins to build bigger –

Luke 12:18 And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my fruits and my goods.

And then, he got lazy:

Luke 12:19 And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry.

And he didn’t know the bigger plan:

Luke 12:20 But God said unto him, Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee: then whose shall those things be, which thou hast provided?

The Moral of this story?

Luke 12:21 So is he that layeth up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God

The thing is, we don’t know how long we have…and we need to make the most of every minute…and, after writing yesterday’s blog…I am well aware of the times I made decisions not to decide, I chose to not choose…but, This is the New Me!

All these plans, and actually – I want to go back to sleep – I am on the fifth day of Bactrim and it’s messing with my stomach…
One of my goals in 2014 is to listen to my body…that would help with the diabetes! HA!
I am doing a ‘new’ type of cardio for the RPG & Adventurers challenge – maybe I should just listen to my body – and rest today.
the numbers aren’t going to change much between today and tomorrow…and tomorrow – I won’t have the sulpha in my stomach!

So – I have just talked this out with those of you that read my thread…welcome to my brain!
I am making a decision,
I’m choosing to rest my body to finish it’s healing from the infection.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Naomi’s Heart Mission

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Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Could this be the new me?

**author note – I am going to post this, before it’s completely pretty – because I want to post this now. I’ll pretty it up later, and add appropriate links and reference. ~mcw**

For the last two years, I have done various ‘diets’ to clean up my ‘act.
A sugar detox – prescribed by my naturopathic doctor in Texas
Whole30 – attempted over and over and over – until it’s a Whole24/7/365.
Various Cleanses
Fruit Flush

All this has done is prove to me over and over that I am sensitive to certain food groups:

I have noticed that these food groups cause undesirable reactions:

This is my new me –

I have done many diets over the years, and some were successful in losing weight, but I still had the eating disorders and the mental baggage.

This year, 2014, I have worked on myself within the group called Nerd Fitness. I started the year with a whole30 – and lost 20 pounds – then gained it all back, even though I was working through challenges within the forum groups.
Why did I gain it back?
My brain or my emotions or my whatever continued to WANT the things that make me sick.
My mind allowed excuses –

and so many more, that I have realized that my 54 years have not been focused upon fuel, but stuffing…stuffing emotional pain.
If all I did was have a piece of pie once a month for a celebration,
Or had some special food item at a travel destination,
I would naturally burn that off – as I exercise my life.

but I didn’t do that.

These are the some of the choices I have made over the last 20 years.

I have blamed all the surgeries I’ve had since 1989.
Yes, hormones, metabolism, injuries, immobilization boots, excruciating pain, heart rate issues and more, can be blamed for not exercising.
But over the years, I have learned to modify exercising – and I have had success…why haven’t I continued?
I have been lazy in many ways.

I have had legitimate reasons for not ‘exercising’ in the manner in which most fitness trainers suggest. There was a time, just walking could cause a tendon to rupture – which meant surgery – which meant 8-12 weeks rehab.

But, how did I deal with subsequent surgeries?
I felt sorry for myself.
I was like Job – I sat on my recliner (like his dung pile) and cried “woe is me!”
Because I was emotionally distraught – I ate.
And, I did not exercise what I could!
And I did not draw nearer and nearer to God.
I blamed God for allowing me to go through all this pain – amongst other emotional pains. And I will stand by the fact that HE is in control of everything – while also allowing me freedom of choice. How that works is not something that I comprehend on this earth, I just take it by faith.
But I didn’t allow these challenges to continue to draw me closer.

In Job’s story – when he was first challenged – he came through with flying colors!
As God allowed the enemy to take more and more from him – Job cracked.
He even despaired of life itself.
His wife told him “curse God and die!”

His friends – oh the “Job’s friends” that came to ‘encourage him’!
“confess your sins and this will stop!”
But Job wasn’t aware of any sins within himself – God himself had said Job was righteous. So Job tries to convince his friends that he hasn’t done anything – that God had just decided to allow these things – and he had no idea why. And yet, Job preached – and his words are recorded, and used to encourage us who would give up.

In the end – God showed Job the bit of sin still in his heart – and Job repented, received a new understanding of God, and a relationship with Him, and His friends got a new understanding of grace and mercy!

What does that have to do with me?
My weight is a direct outcome of my lack of leaning on Jesus.

When I am hurt – I should go to the Holy Spirit for comfort –
but I’ve gone to ice cream, chocolate, pies.
When I am angry – I should go to my savior, and receive HIS grace to release the anger, and respond as Christ would respond, but I’ve eaten sweets to stuff it down.
When I am alone – I should go to Jesus who will never leave me nor forsake me, but I eat sweet and salty things to feed my aloneness.
When I am bored – I should fill my mind with good things, and exercise my body for energy and health to care for this temple of the Holy Spirit, but I sit and watch tv, movies, play games.

For me – putting anything between me and God is committing idolatry.
For me – when I go to something other than God for help, I am committing idolatry.

I don’t mean that I can’t get help from other places – because that is why God created us to be a tribal/community driven creature. And, God has brought many people into my life that have helped me overcome.

I do mean – I need to pray – speak to God, through Jesus Christ, in the Holy Spirit – before any other ‘device’.
And self damaging reactions are NOT God’s way.

Here are just a few comparisons:

For me – when I do not care for this temple that God has entrusted to me, when I take this temple into temples that do not honor God, I am sinning.

I am confessing, before anyone that reads this, that I repent of this mindset of leaning on everything other than the Most High God.
I confess of using ‘things’ to stuff the challenges that God has given to me, for my growth.
I confess being lazy – not wanting to grow anymore! Yes – true!
I confess that I have used food as a slow form of suicide – knowing thigns would eventually kill me.
I confess that I have not been a faithful caretaker of this temple –
and I ask forgiveness, and I ask for mercy, and I ask for grace to turn things around.

I have been turning things around this year – by the grace of Jesus Christ – but I need to make a stand.

And, because of this repentance –
I am a new me – and this time, I pray that the old Christine stays gone – passed away, and all things are becoming new!

Exercise – Eat right – Excitement

Go tell ‘John’ what you see and hear:
The lame walk
The blind see
and the poor receive the gospel.

I was lame – and now I walk.
I was blinded to my responsibility – but now I see.
I was falling away from the gospel, and feeling poorly spiritually – but God, through Jesus Christ, has breathed the Holy Spirit into me anew – and the gospel is the story.

This is the new me. Welcome to my Journey.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Sponsor a Child

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

How do you know?

I have written quite a lot about suicide.

I live with the thoughts almost daily.

Sometimes, the thoughts are loud enough to convince me.

Sometimes, the deception, manipulation, disrespect, and difficulties just present this as the only way out.

Sometimes, I feel trapped in a world where the ones that are closest to me are the ones that hurt me the most – and the most frequently.

Depression is serious – and if you know someone that is depressed, and talking suicide, or not…stop reading this blog and go straight to the WebMD page about suicide and depression!

If YOU are thinking of suicide – leave this page and call
1-800-SUICIDE(800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255)

What would a doctor do?

If I were to have a migraine only 1 time a week – a doctor would(and has) prescribe medicine to prevent this constant pain.

If I were to have nagging pain that comes and goes, but when it comes, it takes me down to my knees, a doctor would(and has) prescribe pain medicine.

If I were to have a chronic pain that would prevent me from moving forward because it holds me in the past, a doctor would(and has) prescribed constant pain relief.

Switching it up;

If I had someone trick me into doing something that compromised my security once a month – a counselor would(and has)counseled to not be around this person.

If I had someone that hurt me so badly that I doubted my sanity once a year(like holidays) – a counselor would(and has) counseled that I not be around that person.

If I had someone in my life that hurt me in the same way, causing the suicide thoughts to come up as a way of escape – a counselor would(and has) counseled me to separate myself from that someone.

But what if there is no hope of separation? What if the medicine doesn’t work?

What if there is no hope of being in a safe place, away from the lies, deceit, mental trickery, or underhanded difficulties?

What if the only way to not be a burden and stress on those that you love was to remove yourself?

What if the only prospect of freedom from despair is to cross the river Jordan?

What if the only way of escape is to hope and pray that suicide does not end up in hell?

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. Prov 13:12

I have talked before about Job being suicidal.

Job 3:3 Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.
Job3:11 Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?
Job 3:13 For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have slept: then had I been at rest,
Job 3:19 The small and great are there; and the servant is free from his master.

And then:

Job 6:9 Even that it would please God to destroy me; that he would let loose his hand, and cut me off!
Job 6:10 Then should I yet have comfort; yea, I would harden myself in sorrow: let him not spare; for I have not concealed the words of the Holy One.
Job 6:11 What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?

The word “perish” in Job 3:3 means:
perish, destroy, lose, fail, surely, utterly, broken, destruction, escape, flee, spendeth, take, undone, void

What is up with Job?
Everything that he had spent his life doing was totally collapsed upon him.
All that he had done to raise children, to be productive with his life was destroyed in what could have been a matter of a week – if not weeks.
He had lived faithfully to God – WITHOUT the benefit of the New Testament – and since this is probably the earliest book of the Bible – maybe even before MOSES got the law! I don’t know.

He lost his children, his lively hood, and even his health.
And now his friends were pointing to him telling him to repent…but, of what? That’s not the point of THIS blog!

He felt that he had done something wrong – and yet, he could not grasp what it was, and so, in the despair of depression, he desired to end his life. He was begging GOD to take his life…because he could not figure out a way out.

This is despair – despairing of life itself – overwhelmed by the circumstances that are presented, and clueless to any way to move through it.

This is, in my opinion, a key to when to know someone is seriously suicidal. They are in such despair that they see no other way out.
And in this case –

it is NOT to get even

it is NOT revenge

it is NOT to teach someone a lesson

IT IS TO BE SET FREE FROM A PAIN THAT CANNOT BE ENDURED!

On the other hand –
there are those that would say “I’ll kill myself if you don’t…..”
Or those that would tell you that they want thus and such, and if it isn’t given, they will kill themselves.

THIS IS MANIPULATION.

A person that is faced with these situations cannot allow themselves to be manipulated – and yet – there is a very real danger.

How do you know the difference?
In my opinion – if someone is saying “I’ll kill myself unless you….”, this is manipulation.
If someone is depressed – shows all the signs of depression – you may never hear the words “I will kill myself”.
In Job’s case – he didn’t say “I will kill myself” – he says “I wish I had never been born.”

In Job’s case – he was visited by friends – most of them weren’t much good, but in my opinion – just having the friends there was enough to cause Job to have to talk out what was going on! And, I don’t know for sure, but in my case, if there is another human with me – I’m not going to do anything to harm myself. This could be different for others, but, this is my case.
Job did have one friend that spoke truth to him…and got him into the mindset that GOD could speak to him…and that is what Job needed – to HEAR FROM GOD!

Why? because Job was a believer…and he believed that God had a purpose for all that happened in his life.
The answer was not comforting – Job repented!
But, the repentance brought with him a new since of faith – an new reverence for God – and a lesson for his friends!

But, that doesn’t mean that all depression is because of sin in our lives – I do not want to be understood as saying that.
Depression is depression.
despair is despair.
pain is pain.
and wanting out of pain is the basic component of suicide.

It could be a relationship issue that really needs to be ended, or repaired.
It could be life events that have piled up, until one feels they cannot breathe.
It could be not wanting to watch themselves and others suffer through another medical situation, mental situation, physical situation.

Unfortunately, it could be a situation where they only way someone feels they can be taken seriously is to threaten to take their own life.
Even in an attempt to manipulate the situation to ‘get out’ from under what seems to be too big, too unfathomable, too deep, too long, too far to get through.

The thing is, not all suicidal statements are manipulative…
The thing is, even the manipulative suicidal threats are dangerous…
It only takes one attempt, even if that attempt was not serious, to end a life.

How can you know?
Unfortunately, you cannot.
What do you do?
Offer help – be available – insist on professional help – and then, take care of yourself.

As someone that was the monthly deliverer for my mother’s repeated attempts(or just simply overdoses from self medicating her bi-polar) – the caregiver needs to take care of themselves.

The responsibility for suicide lies firmly upon the person making that choice. It is a self inflicted injury that ends in death.
It is NOT murder – no matter what may have been said before or on some letter, fb page, or text. It is a personal choice.

I am pro choice –
choosing to have sex means you choose to have a baby.
choosing to play with suicide means you choose to put your life in danger.
And, we all have this choice.

You cannot know for sure – and therefore, each vocalization has to be taken for truth –
the issue is how do you deal with it?

GET HELP – DEMAND THAT THIS TYPE OF TALK MEANS THAT THEY ARE SENT TO THE HOSPITAL!

The caregivers cannot prevent anything.
The caregivers need to set boundaries up to protect themselves.
The caregivers need to be able to state what they are able to give someone in a time of crises.
But the caregivers cannot allow themselves to be manipulated by the threats…they must care for themselves first.

again…I repeat this information:
Depression is serious – and if you know someone that is depressed, and talking suicide, or not…stop reading this blog and go straight to the WebMD page about suicide and depression!

If YOU are thinking of suicide – leave this page and call
1-800-SUICIDE(800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255)

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Sponsor a Child

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Whose Joy am I responsible for?

or…
For whose joy am I responsible?

I have spent my life trying to make
my husband happy,
my children happy,
my mother, father and brother happy,
friends happy,
my church happy,
and even my GOD happy.

I just realized this:

I have believed it’s wrong to allow myself joy when those around me are not, that I have not provided joy in the lives of those closest to me.

this is what a therapist labeled STINKIN’ THINKIN’!

I am only responsible for MY OWN JOY!
If that which brings ME JOY, also brings others joy, then that is the joy that is within me, spilling out upon others.
By embracing the things that bring me joy, I will have more joy to share with others.
But, I am not responsible for them picking up the joy – taking in the joy…THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN LIVES!

I wrote this in 2003:
Oil of Joy

I have posted multiple posts on depression, suicide, and struggling with such things.

I have admitted that the opposite of Joy has been a Giant in my Land.

All of this, plus years of therapy, and I couldn’t enjoy JOY. I couldn’t hold onto Joy.
But right now – I am realizing that I KNOW how to live in Joy – I haven’t given myself permission, because I have been focusing on giving joy, creating joy in others.

It’s time for a definition.
My definition!

Joy is not dependent upon the things going on around me. It depends upon the Joy that is within me –

And in John 16:22 – Jesus said that No man could take it from me….
My JOY is dependent upon MY Faith, and My time with Jesus Christ.

Happiness is about happenings – and it comes and goes.
There are times of sorrow – grieving….

Eccl 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
Eccl 3: 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

But this is not JOY. That is dependent upon the happenings around you.

Faith Gateway posted Bible Verses about Joy: 25 scriptures

I believe that JOY is about my heart beating in time with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I didn’t think I deserved to have joy – when I had not given joy to those I love. The problem with this thought is that if I don’t have any joy, how to do give joy to others? If I am not allowed to enjoy the things that bring JOY – what does that say to others?

And the truth is – Jesus gives me joy – and wants my joy to be full!

John 15:11 These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.

John 16:24 Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.

These words are in red in the Bible – because these are the quoted words of Jesus Christ.
Jesus came so that I would have Joy.
To refuse Joy, in a way, is to refuse the gift that Jesus gave me.
To not enjoy Joy, in a way, is to not enjoy Christ in me.
To not receive Joy from Jesus, is like someone offering me a gift of great price, and I refuse it – putting a disparaging ungrateful response in the face of such a gift.

Jesus meant for me to have Joy.
Jesus meant for me to GROW in Joy(The fruit of the spirit is Love, Joy….)
So I have the RIGHT to have Joy, to be Joyful, to embrace JOY!
And I am not responsible for the Joy of others!
I am responsible for ME, Myself and I.

And by God’s grace – I have been given the tools for JOY!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Sponsor a Child

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

My Faith Revealed

I am a Christian.
what does that mean?
It means that I desire to live like Christ, because of what HE has done for me – by FAITH –
I believe “the stories”
I believe “the legends”
I belive ” the myth”
I believe it is TRUTH!

This morning – I went out to the beach, for a sunrise service that was too late for the sunrise.
but I was able to sit, listen to my husband read scripture,

MATTHEW 27

then we sang The Easter Song

“Easter Song” performed by Matthew Ward:
Easter Song

And I prayed for forgiveness for last year, and for renewed grace for this next year – to grow closer and more like Jesus.

And then, to remind myself of my baptism….

There is only one baptism in Christ, for the forgiveness of sins:
Mark 1:4

Ephesians 4:5-7
5 One Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all. 7 But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ.

But, for myself, a very kinetic learner, that needs kinetic reminders – I choose to go to the water, and remember my committment.

And the meaning of baptism is this:

Romans 6:3-5
…3 Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death?
4Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.
5For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection,…

And this is the life I want to live:

Romans 6:6-8

…6 knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; 7for he who has died is freed from sin.
8Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him,…

There are so many ways that I allow death to enter my body – with food, thoughts, and even deeds that I do or leave undone.
Here is the Prayer for forgivness from the Episcopal book of common prayer:

Almighty and most merciful Father,
we have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep,
we have followed too much the devices and desires of our
   own hearts,
we have offended against thy holy laws,
we have left undone those things which we ought to
   have done,
and we have done those things which we ought not to
   have done.
But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us,
spare thou those who confess their faults,
restore thou those who are penitent,
according to thy promises declared unto mankind
in Christ Jesus our Lord;
and grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake,
that we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life,
to the glory of thy holy Name. Amen.

And, then, the priest – whom today is Jesus – says to me:

The Almighty and merciful Lord grant you absolution and
remission of all your sins, true repentance, amendment of
life, and the grace and consolation of his Holy Spirit. Amen.

And my statement of Faith –

The Apostles’ Creed

Officiant and People together, all standing

I believe in God, the Father almighty,
    maker of heaven and earth;
And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord;
    who was conceived by the Holy Ghost,
    born of the Virgin Mary,
    suffered under Pontius Pilate,
    was crucified, dead, and buried.
    He descended into hell.
The third day he rose again from the dead.
    He ascended into heaven,
    and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father almighty.
    From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Ghost,
    the holy catholic Church,
    the communion of saints,
    the forgiveness of sins,
    the resurrection of the body,
    and the life everlasting. Amen.

And, a prayer for guidance:

O heavenly Father, in whom we live and move and have our
being: We humbly pray thee so to guide and govern us by thy
Holy Spirit, that in all the cares and occupations of our life
we may not forget thee, but may remember that we are ever
walking in thy sight; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

And my specific prayer for myself:

Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

I want to be like Jesus – in the ways of Love, laid out in 1 Cor 13; by growing fruit, as specified in Ephesians 5:22-23; and by good works – as spoken of in

Ephesians 2:10.

If I work on these things, I will be more than busy enough for the rest of my earthly life.
If I work on these things, I will be more and more like Christ each day.

In my heart, this is my reasonable service:

Romans 12:1-2

1Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.
2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.…

And, after my meditation for this day – this day to celebrate the ressurection, I ended with a very precious song from my childhood services:

Christ the Lord is Risen today

for further contemplation, I present 10 Favorite Easter Scriptures! from the Gospel Herald.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.

If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.

If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.”– from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!

Or ‘like’ me!

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This entry was posted in Choose Life, Joy in the Journey and tagged Baptism, Christ, Easter, hope, Jesus, Ocean, Ressurrection on April 20, 2014 by christartist.

Oil of Joy

This is a very simple posting of an old Bible Study I did in 2003.
This is a perfect statement for my Joy Journey right now.

Oil of Joy – 2-13-2003 ©Mary Christine Wildman

Joy is a choice.

With my past experience with abuse, which plunged me into deep depression, medically declared not recoverable, as well as a mother with Bi-Polar/Manic- Depressive, and a daughter diagnosed as the same, as well as suicides running through the family spirit….Joy has been an elusive concept at times. I don’t take joy for granted. I respect the warning signs of depression.

It’s a choice? None of the above was a choice! What choice do I have?

Psal 16:6 (KJS) The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant [places]; yea, I have a goodly heritage.
7 I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons.
8 I have set the LORD always before me: because [he is] at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.
10 For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption.
11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence [is] fulness of joy; at thy right hand [there are] pleasures for evermore.

I can choose to trust in the Lord, look at what He has done for me, seek His counsel, hearken to His words, bless Him, set Him before me, and to stay in His presence, at His right hand.

Isai 61:3 (KJS) To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I can choose to go to Him. He is glorified when I allow him to give me the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise of the spirit of heaviness…He wants to have the glory of being my joy! He knows that I am mourning, and has prepared a solution for it…before I was even conceived!

Hebr 12:12 (KJS) Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

My hands hang down when I am discouraged, my knees are feeble when I am afraid…..and then Lord says:

Nehe 8:10 (KJS) Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared:for [this] day [is] holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

He is my strength! If I let Him be my joy…then I will be strong..in Him!

2Tim 1:7 (KJS) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

He can calm my mind…when I am depressed, I do not have a sound mind…I am fearing…and that is not of Him! If I ask, He will give me the mind of Christ…and renew my mind. (Phil 2:5, Rom 12:2) He tells me to

1Pet 1:13 (KJS) Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

Last week, I was overcome with discouragement…when all in the house were sick or not up to par, and the plan wasn’t working, and there was so much to do. I had finally, taken a walk with the Lord…and had started to pull out of the dumps…but even the work of Saturday, the hugeness of it, without really even touching what I needed to get done for school brought me to my knees in tears. I went to my prayer closet (bathroom) and cried.
Where is the joy? And He gently reminded me that joy is a choice…a choice of where I spend my time, where I place my heart, where I walk, and with whom I talk. In HIS presence is fullness of joy! I had been too busy doing what I thought He wanted me to do, that I hadn’t been with Him.

When I was marching around the house, thinking on the sins that were attacking our family, I had great joy…..from the presence of the King.

My prayer is
(Acts 17:27) That in Him I would live, and move and have my being.
That I would walk after the Spirit (Rom 8), (Gal 5:16-25) and live in the spirit-
Gala 5:25 (KJS) If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

This is part of the Big Plan that God has for my family…

Jude 1:24 (KJS) Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present [you] faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, 25 To the only wise God our Saviour, [be] glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.

This entry was posted in Bible Thoughts, Depression, Joy in the Journey and tagged Bible, choice, Depression, Father, Jesus, Joy, prayer, walking on April 15, 2014 by christartist.

how many is too many?

How much is enough?

8 surgeries in three years….too much.
3 headaches in 7days…too much.
250 pounds – too much.
5 children and 2 miscarriages in 6 years…too much.
2 meds, 4 meds, 6 meds, 10 meds?
VITAMINS?????
cars in the front yard?
houses on every continent?
$$$$?

how many things,
how many crises,
how many children,
how many difficulties,
how many traumas….

how many, how much is too much?

Starting my continuing care medical appointments feels like too much.

Primary care
ortho
neuro
fibro
rheuma
podiatrist
opthamologist
gynocologist
dentist
and a pain specialist that makes me feel like a drug addict.

But, how much is enough?

enough to stop the pain?
enough to block the memories?
enough to feel satiated?
enough to feel appreciated?
enough to feel safe…

We live in an RV, but have lived in 2000+ sq ft houses.
We have had a new car…but now have older cars with all the bugs worked out of them.

Too much or too little?

I want to walk – I’d like to walk the recommended 10000 steps per day…but I broke a bone in my left foot.
I want to swim – but the outside pools are too full of people, or the weather does not cooperate.
I want to bike – but I injured my knee on a recumbent bike.
I want to do body weight exercises – but my elbows never fully recovered from prior injuries.

how many surgeries, injuries are enough? Too many? enough to get things to work well?

How much bible reading is enough?
How much is not enough?
How much prayer is enough?
How much is not enough?
How many smiles are enough? not enough?
How many tears are enough? Not enough?
If I wear a covering? or not?
If I wear a dress? or jeans?
If i don’t wear make-up? or do?
If I grow my hair long? or cut it?
If I eat kosher? or just clean?

If I give all to the poor – ALL – if I have not love…I am a noisy gong.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though

I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. 1 Cor 13:3

But that doesn’t answer my question. How much is too much? How much is enough?

GRACE
MERCY
FORGIVENESS
PATIENCE
LONG-SUFFERING …

The fruit of the Spirit!

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness AND Self-control.

The Love Chapter in the Bible.

love is patient
love is kind
love is not envious
not conceited
not rude

Think on these things:

whatsoever things are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy.

That is a lot to keep in mind….
Then there’s

modesty,
humility,
compassion,
actions and
non actions…
how to BE MORE than you ARE!

How much is enough?

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

In the work out realm…the balanced answer is:

just do one more than you did yesterday.

But am I able to accept that what I am doing right now is enough?
Probably not.

Am I able to accept that right now, my life is revolving around doctors – helping to fix the things that have been broken?
I’m trying.

Am I able to rest in the fact that Jesus died for me – and that believing in Him is all that is needed for salvation? The Bible Tells me so:

Rom 10:9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
(and Rom 5:9-10; Acts 16:31; John 3:16-17; 1 John 3:23)

But there are times that I think I should DO more…

And then, I think about the Apostle Paul. His life was rough.
But he writes and encourages the church to be content in all things.

Reading the list of things that he went through – I think, it is too much!
Reading the times of suffering want – I think, it’s not enough!
But, Paul says – it is enough – I am content.
HOW???

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phil 4:13

Doing all things through Christ?

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;Col 3:23

So –

If I go to the doctor because I have not been miraculously healed – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
If I workout to strengthen my body – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
If I choose to dress in one way or the other – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
And if I go to bed, and I have done all that has been presented to me, I have attempted to be better today than I was yesterday, then I can be content.

AND If I stumble and fall – I have the promise that he will forgive, and pick me up – His mercies are new every morning.

How much is too much? more than I can handle. And He promised not to give me more than I can handle.

How much is too little? less effort than I can give. Less than what I have.

I’m not done with these thoughts…but this is a good place to close this for further processing.

Apparently, I need to work on being content.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Sponsor a Child

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

This entry was posted in Depression, Jounral and tagged Bible, chaos, Choose, Christ, Darkness, Depression, faith, Jesus, storms on March 19, 2014 by christartist.

depression digs deep with drugs

Hello.
My name is Christi.
I live with depression.
Not by choice – but by genetics and some environment, and nurture. Mostly, genetics. And training through the nurture.
I Live.
I choose to LIVE.
and yet, I’ve lived with voices in my head since I was 16, telling me that I’m not good enough for this world, and I should just take myself out of the equation and make everyone elses lives better. sometimes it’s a screaming all incompassing voice. sometimes just a quiet whisper. sometimes I recognize that it is not MY desire and I can fight it. sometimes, it can over power the other, more sensible voices in my head. But, even though it can be quieted for a while, I have found that the voice is not dead.

I Have one attempt that I have written about. In 2009, that voice was too loud for sense to break through.

But I tried to ask for help for years…and was told, at 16, “that’s normal – all teens go through that. ”
Later, I was told: “stop being dramatic, stop demanding attention.”
I knew very few people that really thought about dying, much less HOW to do it, and WHY.
I didn’t really find this group of people for which it was normal, except in a psychiatric hospital…but, those of us that need to be hospitalized are not the social norm, are we? Or we wouldn’t be hospitalized, right?

Ok – so, here’s the current situation.
I have pain – I fibromyalgia – AND I have issues with tendons at the insertion points. This has meant multiple surgeries – AND a standard set of medications that have psychiatric effects as well.
The most recent tests had me looking back to a medicine that had been prescribed to help with migraines…to relax muscles. I was supposed to take this twice a day.
Another doctor had me taking a medication that was to prevent migraines…and I was supposed to titrate that up to three pills a day.

WARNING: ALWAYS CHECK MEDICATION SIDE EFFECTS, AND HOW THEY CAN EFFECT EACH OTHER BEFORE TAKING NEW MEDS! MAYBE EVEN BEFORE GETTING THE SCRIPT FILLED!

I guess that could be a spoiler.

I also suffer from S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder. In Ohio, in the winter – I used a light box to counter act the effects. But I live in sunny florida!
This winter has been very rough – much grey sky and rainy weather. Not snow – but the grey was our part of the 2014 winter.
two children moving further away, one with two grandchildren as well.
one child having scary health issues
one child having children issues
hips back and knee continued to limit my ability…I hurt my knee trying to ride a stationary bike!
moving out of an apartment back into the RV
Thinking we were getting a new RV that would address some issues of the old RV – and getting denied(actually, too high interest rate).
Jim traveling much more than we had originally planned
I broke my foot. I’m stuck in a boot, which limited my walking in the ‘sunshine’ when it was out!
And just all around malaise that comes with fibro, with the addition of migraines from the weather fronts.

Writing this up, it doesn’t sound like much…but, it added up – and I had a low level depression.
I saw doctors for the pain – and the prescribed the above treatments.
And I got depressed.
I have not had voices telling me to kill myself loud enough for a few years…until this past fall.
And, I fought them. And, usually, I won.
but I started losing more and more often.

I talked to my husband – and we agreed that there is the concern that if I went to a new psychiatrist,
a. it is going to have to start all over with the whole story…which is traumatizing to me
b. they will choose to give me more medicine OR
c. they will hospitalize me – and they will misdiagnose me again…with wrong meds that cause problems.

Several times, I was close – but last weekend – I was very close – VERY CLOSE.
Jim was going to Atlanta – we had decided not to go together – because I was so depressed there was nothing that could comfort me…
BUTGOD –
Now, lots of people say that God comes shining in and talks to them and saves them.
That’s not me.
BUTGOD –
On Saturday night – the night I told Jim that I was NOT going to Atlanta and Alabama with him, I had a perfect plan.
BUTGOD –
I have been a Christian for 45 of my 54 years.
I confess that Jesus is my Lord and Savior – and that I want HIM to be in charge of MY life.
I believe the scriptures are truth – for today – and applicable.
And as I went to sleep, talking to God as I do each night, I was explaining that I didn’t have any other choice…
BUTGOD –
“way of escape”
“what?”
“ask for a way of escape”
Oh, bleep – He’s quoting His word to me…the Word that I believe is true, and that at this moment I believe does not have any comfort for me.
1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

“Ok, Lord, please show me a way of escape.” and I went to sleep.
Sunday morning – I woke up – “go with Jim”
In my mental state, that was the last thing I wanted to do – but I prayed for a way of escape – and here it was. If I didn’t take it…I knew I would be dead, possibly in more ways than one.

I became friends with some others on NerdFitness that are fighting the same struggle.
While driving – I was useful to Jim to drive so that he could work as he traveled. Plus!
While I was in Birmingham – I met a long time friend – and had a great time. PLUS!
While in the hotel – I did a one hour water workout and remembered what it felt like to be in water! BIGPLUS!
When I got home, I found out that I had been mentioned in an article by a man that I admire – and has Jim’s ear – and could open the door for my life to help others. UBER BIG PLUS!!
In the mean time, I got an inkling that my medications were possibly iffy.
side effects – not complications of combinations – just the side effects of both were enhanced depression – which often leads to suicide thoughts!!! ARRGGHH!!
so, I stopped it.
REBOUND HEADACHE!!!
BUT – I knew what it was.
And I started laughing again. Jim commented – it’s nice to hear your laugh again!
And as the medicine left my body – my mind began to clear – I don’t want to die…I WANT TO LIVE!
And I want to touch people that are hurting – because I know about hurting – physical, mental, emotional and social.
I did not die – I did not have the tools in the hotel room!
BUTGOD – gave me a way of escape –
BUTGOD – even reminded me to ASK for that way of escape.

My life line scripture –

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR YOU ARE WITH ME;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me!
Ps 23:4

I have a coin with that inscribed upon it – and I have put it back on.
will I fight this battle again? probably.
but this time, I have a few more friends that will hold my hand.
I have a few more tools.
and I have the experience that if I cry out to God for a way of escape – HE IS FAITHFUL.
If I am faithful to believe, HE IS FAITHFUL TO DELIVER!

thank you for reading this.
May you know the shepherd of Psalm 23 as YOUR personal savior!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Sponsor a Child

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

This entry was posted in Choose Life, Depression, Jounral, suicide and tagged Depression, drugs, faith, Peace, salvation, suicide on March 11, 2014 by christartist.

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