Category Archives: Choose Life

2017 – My One Word – #mydays – first love

As I said, last weekend really brought me around to remembering what my focus should be, in light of eternity.

Psalm 90:12
12 So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.

I turn 57 on September 8.
that is 7 years past a half century.
that is 13 years until the ‘fullness’ or, if I’m strong, 23. (threescore and 10 in KJV)

Psalm 90:10
The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away.

Numbering my days….

Psalm 39:4
“O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!

Is this a morbid consideration? No, at least, not according to Solomom:

Eccl 7:2
It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.

What is the purpose for this focus?

Eccl 9:10
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going.

To number our days…to make our days count!

Colossians 3:23-24
23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Ephesians 6:1-9 speaks on how a servant – and I am a servant of God – should serve.

In my last post, I shared how it is my desire to see my Lord face to face – and hear him say:

Matthew 25:23
23 His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’

I want to respond as Isaiah and Samuel:

Isaiah 6:8
8 Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying:
“Whom shall I send,
And who will go for Us?”
Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

1 Samuel 3:10
10 And the Lord came, and stood, and called as at other times, Samuel, Samuel. Then Samuel answered, Speak; for thy servant heareth.

I want to respond as Mary and Ruth:

Luke 1:38
38 And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Ruth 1:16-17
16 But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”

I have just re-read what I wrote about Ruth 1.
For Advent, I did a study on Mary – the mother of Christ. Very convicting how this girl just obeyed…even in the face of death. And, in the face of a horrible death for her son.

There is Abraham – who in the face of sacrificing his son – got up in the morning immediately!

Genesis 22:1-3
22:1 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” 2 He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” 3 So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him.

And there are those that followed Jesus – when he called – straightway….always immediately. I’m not going to list all of them here.

Then, Jesus condemns those that put their hand to the plow and look back:

Luke 9:
57 As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” 58 And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” 59 To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” 60 And Jesus[g] said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” 61 Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” 62 Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

The first one, I will follow you wherever you go – receives a challenge about the difficulty. Did Jesus know something about this person’s heart?

The next requests to take care of things seems reasonable…
First, let me bury my dead – commentaries say that this person asks to be allowed to care for his family then come.
First let me say goodbye – it would appear that putting those at home above service and following did not go over well with Christ.

From Blue Letter Bible, here is Matthew Henry’s Commentary on Luke 9 – for he says it much better than I, and I am convicted by this commentary:

Luk 9:57-62

We have here an account of three several persons that offered themselves to follow Christ, and the answers that Christ gave to each of them. The two former we had an account of in Mt. 19:21.

I. Here is one that is extremely forward to follow Christ immediately, but seems to have been too rash, hasty, and inconsiderate, and not to have set down and counted the cost.

1. He makes Christ a very large promise (v. 57): As they went in the way, going up to Jerusalem, where it was expected Christ would first appear in his glory, one said to him, Lord, I will follow thee withersoever thou goest. This must be the resolution of all that will be found Christ’s disciples indeed; they follow the Lamb whithersoever he goes (Rev. 14:4), though it be through fire and water, to prisons and deaths.

2. Christ gives him a necessary caution, not to promise himself great things in the world, in following him, but, on the contrary, to count upon poverty and meanness; for the Son of man has not where to lay his head.
We may look upon this,

(1.) As setting forth the very low condition that our Lord Jesus was in, in this world. He not only wanted the delights and ornaments that great princes usually have, but even such accommodations for mere necessity as the foxes have, and the birds of the air. See what a depth of poverty our Lord Jesus submitted to for us, to increase the worth and merit of his satisfaction, and to purchase for us a larger allowance of grace, that we through his poverty might be rich, 2 Co. 8:9. He that made all did not make a dwelling-place for himself, not a house of his own to put his head in, but what he was beholden to others for. He here calls himself the Son of man, a Son of Adam, partaker of flesh and blood. He glories in his condescension towards us, not only to the meanness of our nature, but to the meanest condition in that nature, to testify his love to us, and to teach us a holy contempt of the world and of great things in it, and a continual regard to another world. Christ was thus poor, to sanctify and sweeten poverty to his people; the apostles had not certain dwelling-place (1 Co. 4:11), which they might the better bear when they knew their Master had not; see 2 Sa. 11:11. We may well be content to fare as Christ did.

(2.) As proposing this to the consideration of those who intend to be his disciples. If we mean to follow Christ, we must lay aside the thoughts of great things in the world, and not reckon upon making any thing more than heaven of our religion, as we must resolve not to take up with any thing less. Let us not go about to compound the profession of Christianity with secular advantages; Christ has put them asunder, let us not think of joining them together; on the contrary, we must expect to enter into the kingdom of heaven through many tribulations, must deny ourselves, and take up our cross. Christ tells this man what he must count upon if he followed him, to lie cold and uneasy, to fare hard, and live in contempt; if he could not submit to this, let him not pretend to follow Christ. This word sent him back, for aught that appears; but it will be no discouragement to any that know what there is in Christ and heaven to set in the scale against this.

II. Here is another, that seems resolved to follow Christ, but he begs a day, v. 59. To this man Christ first gave the call; he said to him, Follow me. He that proposed the thing of himself fled off when he heard of the difficulties that attended it; but this man to whom Christ gave a call, though he hesitated at first, yet, as it should seem, afterwards yielded; so true was that of Christ, You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, Jn. 15:16. It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth (as that forward spark in the foregoing verses), but of God that showeth mercy, that gives the call, and makes it effectual, as to this man here. Observe,

1. The excuse he made: “Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. I have an aged father at home, who cannot live long, and will need me while he does live; let me go and attend on him until he is dead, and I have performed my last office of love to him, and then I will do any thing.’ We may here see three temptations, by which we are in danger of being drawn and kept from following Christ, which therefore we should guard against:-

(1.) We are tempted to rest in a discipleship at large, in which we may be at a loose end, and not to come close, and give up ourselves to be strict and constant.

(2.) We are tempted to defer the doing of that which we know to be our duty, and to put if off to some other time. When we have got clear of such a care and difficulty, when we have despatched such a business, raised an estate to such a pitch, then we will begin to think of being religious; and so we are cozened out of all our time, by being cozened out of the present time.

(3.) We are tempted to think that our duty to our relations will excuse us from our duty to Christ. It is a plausible excuse indeed: “Let me go and bury my father,-let me take care of my family, and provide for my children, and then I will think of serving Christ;’ whereas the kingdom of God and the righteousness thereof must be sought ad minded in the first place.

2. Christ’s answer to it (v. 60): “Let the dead bury their dead. Suppose (which is not likely) that there are none but the dead to bury their dead, or none but those who are themselves aged and dying, who are as good as dead, and fit for no other service, yet thou hast other work to do; go thou, and preach the kingdom of God.’ Not that Christ would have his followers or his ministers to be unnatural; our religion teaches us to be kind and good in every relation, to show piety at home, and to requite our parents. But we must not make these offices an excuse from our duty to God. If the nearest and dearest relation we have in the world stand in our way to keep us from Christ, it is necessary that we have a zeal that will make us forget father and mother, as Levi did, Deu. 33:9. This disciple was called to be a minister, and therefore must not entangle himself with the affairs of this world, 2 Tim. 2:4. And it is a rule that, whenever Christ calls to any duty, we must not consult with flesh and blood, Gal. 1:15, 16. No excuses must be admitted against a present obedience to the call of Christ.

III. Here is another that is willing to follow Christ, but he must have a little time to talk with his friends about it.
Observe,

1. His request for a dispensation, v. 61. He said, “Lord, I will follow thee; I design no other, I am determined to do it: but let me first go bid them farewell that are at home.’ This seemed reasonable; it was what Elisha desired when Elijah called him,Let me kiss my father and my mother; and it was allowed him: but the ministry of the gospel is preferable, and the service of it more urgent than that of the prophets; and therefore here it would not be allowed. Suffer me apotaxasthai tois eis ton oikon mou-Let me go and set in order my household affairs, and give direction concerning them; so some understand it. Now that which was amiss in this is,

(1.) That he looked upon his following Christ as a melancholy, troublesome, dangerous thing; it was to him as if he were going to die and therefore he must take leave of all his friends, never to see them again, or never with any comfort; whereas, in following Christ, he might be more a comfort and blessing to them than if he had continued with them.

(2.) That he seemed to have his worldly concerns more upon his heart than he ought to have, and than would consist with a close attendance to his duty as a follower of Christ. He seemed to hanker after his relations and family concerns, and he could not part easily and suitably from them, but they stuck to him. It may be he had bidden them farewell once, but Loth to depart bids oft farewell, and therefore he must bid them farewell once more, for they are at home at his house.

(3.) That he was willing to enter into a temptation from his purpose of following Christ. To go and bid them farewell that were at home at his house would be to expose himself to the strongest solicitations imaginable to alter his resolution; for they would all be against it, and would beg and pray that he would not leave them. Now it was presumption in him to thrust himself into such a temptation. Those that resolve to walk with their Maker, and follow their Redeemer, must resolve that they will not so much as parley with their tempter.

2. The rebuke which Christ gave him for this request (v. 62): “No man, having put his hand to the plough, and designing to make good work of his ploughing, will look back, or look behind him, for then he makes balks with his plough, and the ground he ploughs is not fit to be sown; so thou, if thou hast a design to follow me and to reap the advantages of those that do so, yet if thou lookest back to a worldly life again and hankerest after that, if thou lookest back as Lot’s wife did to Sodom, which seems to be alluded to here, thou art not fit for the kingdom of God.’

(1.) “Thou art not soil fit to receive the good seed of the kingdom of God if thou art thus ploughed by the halves, and not gone through with.’

(2.) “Thou art not a sower fit to scatter the good seed of the kingdom if thou canst hold the plough no better.’ Ploughing is in order to sowing. As those are not fit to be sown with divine comforts whose fallow ground is not first broken up, so those are not fit to be employed in sowing who know not how to break up the fallow ground, but, when they have laid their hand to the plough, upon every occasion look back and think of quitting it. Note, Those who begin with the work of God must resolve to go on with it, or they will make nothing of it. Looking back inclines to drawing back, and drawing back is to perdition. Those are not fit for heaven who, having set their faces heavenward, face about. But he, and he only, that endures to the end, shall be saved.

Lot’s wife experienced the effects of turning back!

Simply said:

Matthew 10:37-39
37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. 38 And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. 39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

In Revelation, The church at Ephesus is rebuked:

Revelation 2:1-7
“To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. 2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. 6 But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.

7 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

Such a promise! Repent and do the things you did at first.

Psalm 23 – thy rod and thy staff they comfort me!

Hebrews 12:10-13
10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.
13 “Make level paths for your feet,”[a] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Luke 9:23-27 talks about taking up our cross and following…

23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. 25 For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? 26 For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.

My first loves….

  • life time service to the Lord – full commitment – seen in my young Anglican mind as becoming a nun.
  • to whom I should serve – children and women – with the childhood thought of an orphanage, but, enacted by working with children’s homes, and crisis pregnancies, and training to come alongside abused women.
  • The Bible – I have always loved digging deeply into the Bible.
  • Writing – I write to remember, and I write to share. As a child, I wrote stories.
  • Art – as my dear school time best friend reminded me once – I was always drawing and painting.
  • Prayer – as in constant communication with the Lord Jesus Christ
  • Worship – singing praises to my God.
  • Mission field – serving those in country and out of country that are in need, in Jesus’ name.

I knew from early on that I was called, that I was gifted, that I was chosen.
I just could not believe it – nor did most of the adults that I confided in.
My spirit was broken from abuse from 12 months to 13 years.
My energy was broken for care of my mother.
My body was broken for the disobedience to the calling of God, removing his hand of blessing and protection(check out Deut 28 for that principle).
BUT – GOD!

I will be 57 years old in a little over a month.
I declare here and now –

Speak; for thy servant heareth.
Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”
And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”(Matthew 4:19)
“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

I want to say with Paul in the letter to the Philippians:

Phil 3:8-14
8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,
14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

In my own strength, it is impossible – (Matthew 19:26; Mark 10:27; Luke 1:37; Lk 18:27)

But I declare with Jeremiah(32:17):

‘Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.

Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

My God began a good work in me in 1969.
I have bungled it – but nothing is a surprise to Him.
Here I am – I’m not dead yet(though, I’ve been dead a couple of times).
My story is not finished yet.
This is what I hear Him saying:

Isaiah 55:
1 Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.

2 Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.

3 Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.

John 4 – to the Samaritan Woman:

10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” 11 The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” 13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.[b] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

And this is my desire:

John 7:37-38
37 On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. 38 Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”

Is 12:3

Matthew 5:6
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

As Brother John says in 1 John 1 and 2 – confessing our sins, HE is faithful to forgive us –
I want to stop buying things that do not satisfy!
I want to stop expecting others to fill what only God can fill!
I want to press on toward the mark of the prize of the HIGH CALLING of Christ Jesus – for all the rest of my days.
I want light, salt and living water to flow from me – to the glory of GOD!

Phil 4:13
13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Enjoy a touch of worship:
Mandisa – Unfinished:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

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2016 Word of the Year – Prepare? – yeah, right!

This contains many photos of our trip for surgery.

In January, the Lord gave me this word to meditate upon this year.
Prepare

In 2014, we weren’t prepared to deal with cancer.
We chose a procedure that had a 98% cure rate…as in, no recurrence. It is called HIFU.
At that time, it was not approved in the United States.
In 2015, February, we made out of pocket, traveled to Cancun, Mexico, to receive this state of the art procedure to treat Prostate cancer.
January 2016, the PSA let us know that we were not in the 98%.
So, we started to research options.
From January, to August, the PSA rose from 1.7 to 5.6. In the last few months, it doubled. It was time to do something, but, what?

By now, the procedure had been FDA approved, but not insurance covered. So, still out of pocket. In the meantime, I started doing intense research on the prostate, and what nutritional options would strengthen Jim’s body to fight off this enemy.
~~~~~~~~~

James 1:14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
15 And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.
16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

~~~~~~~~~
In September, We went to see the doctor and obtain biopsies in order to make sure that we have all the options for any future need for cancer treatments.
We were told that November 29th was the date that was open. We were waiting for confirmation, and working to handle our money in order to pay for this procedure.

In addition to choosing to repeat the HIFU, we wanted to get a second opinion for the cancer treatment – and we went through the process of setting up a visit to Cancer Treatment Centers of America, their prostate division based in Atlanta.

We were scheduled for August 17-21. We would be flown in, and see the medical team Thursday, Friday, then stay over the weekend, and get the final recommendations on Monday. We were working with the travel team, the medical information team and everyone at that center.

One week before our trip, we spoke with the Nurse Navigator. We discussed the HIFU done in February 2015, and let her know that we were planning on doing a repeat to eradicate the remission.
She took our information to the medical director who then said that we were not a good fit for their program.
Why?
Jim had not jumped up on a surgery table when his PSA was at 5 when he was 50.
Jim had undergone HIFU without biopsies, based upon Dr. Wheeler’s explanation of Prostate Cancer development, and because of the incidence of track back metastisis at the site of biopsies.
We based it upon a specialized MRI system that indicated the dubious nature of the mass – even though it was in a very difficult place to be found by biopsies.
We did not follow the CTCA procedure. Of course not, we weren’t their patient! So, they denied us the opportunity to ask questions about traditional treatments, to talk with naturopath and nutritionist about how to combat the side effects, and to strengthen Jim’s body to fight cancer.

This was like a punch in the stomach. We didn’t know what the Lord was up to, but at least we knew that we were not going to go to Atlanta.
Then, fires around Atlanta. The city was dealing with the smoke just as we were going to be there. That seemed like a good enough reason for God to change that plan. I don’t do well in smoke filled areas.

Every good gift comes from the Father of Lights…

We went ahead and sent part of the downpayment for Jim’s treatment at the end of November, and we were working on obtaining other funding. I even was a bit rough on Doc about the date…when??? November 29th, but many things need to be orchestrated – please be patient. That was the conversation on Wednesday, November 16.

Friday, November 18, before noon, we got the call that the place had been set up, and we were scheduled for Sunday, November 20. At 9am. WHAT?!?! So, we cleared out schedules, and left for St. Augustine on Friday evening. I had just unpacked my suitcase from my plans to be in Boston. Now, I just had to put those clothes back into the suitcase! I threw most of next weeks groceries I’d just purchased into the freezer!

If we had gone to Atlanta as planned, for the CTCA consult, we would not have been available for this opening! We would have been sitting around Atlanta watching the forest burn, instead of burning out the cancer.

We arrived into the hotel in St. Augustine Beach around 8. We ate at Wendy’s because it was so late.

 

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Saturday, November 19, I woke up barely able to keep back tears. I did not have any peace about the procedure, but Jim was freaking out enough that I needed to stay calm.
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We had breakfast at a local eatery, and Jim started on his clear liquid diet.

 

We did have to find some clear liquid options – which ended up being cartons of bone broth and green jello.

Mostly, Jim drank water. water. water.

First, we explored Palatka.

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This is where the specialists have their out patient clinic, and more importantly,
the Ablatherm HIFU machine.

 

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

We traveled around St Augustine, took photos, and just basically spent time enjoying each other.

Fort Matanzas,

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Crescent Beach – just across the road.

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We had not been in the hotel very long when we got the call that the anesthesiologist had been called back home, and that the procedure was canceled for Sunday. “Go ahead and eat some supper, breakfast tomorrow, then clear liquids again after 10, and nothing by mouth after midnight. You are scheduled for noon on Monday.”
I guess God wanted a different anesthesiologist for the procedure.

Exodus 31 – God set apart specific ones for specific giftings

We went to Applebees, because of the burgers.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified

 

It was so beautiful out, that we took a walk along this St Augustine Beach community.(Christmas lights at the beach)

street view

street view

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dock

dock

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We walked out on the dark, and looked at the stars!

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Then we finished our Christmas Lights walk!
 

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We returned to the frog place for breakfast. Jim really enjoyed their omelet.

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Then, we  spent Sunday driving around, enjoying the sights, and each other.

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Monday morning, enemas, and take off for Palatka, Florida.
I was very nervous, very sensitive – and I felt like I was going to fall into a crying fit at any minute. But I needed to be strong for Jim.
As we were waiting, with Jim in the spiffy paper gown,

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we overheard the conversation between the engineer and the doctor about the machine. A cable was not working correctly on the machine. The one that connected the ultrasound to the HIFU machine was dead. It had been working just fine on Saturday. It’s canceled for mechanical reasons.

What? Ok.
“Better before than during” – Jim said, after he took a moment.

“the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”Philippians 4:7.

Nerves?
Yes.
Disappointed?
Completely.
Confused?
You bet.

Jim’s comment:

It’s really futile to complain that something is not going right when you are listening to “The Sovereignty of God” by AW Pink

How’s this for preparation – I had brought my medicines for up to one extra day, through Tuesday. I will run out Tuesday evening, and Wednesday morning. Oops. I know I heard a voice in my head telling me to fill in the whole medicine container! I didn’t listen. “I’ll be home – there’s no way that we would be here past Tuesday!” Yeah, Right! Another lesson to LISTEN!

We took another drive.

So, today(I wrote this while waiting for him during the surgery), Tuesday, enemas again. Jim should be very cleaned out by now!

At 9am, we arrived at the clinic again.
The office nurse is not here.
The office doctor came in, then left, and did not unlock the medicine cabinet.
Whew. I’m not telling Jim what I’ve overheard this time.
Jim’s snapping – and who can blame him? He’s not angry, he’s just very guarded. He’s so tired. Very hungry. Tired of drinking bone broth and eating jello!
More nervous than he was any of the previous days. And again, who can blame him?
Jim went out for a walk, and I was not sure if he would come back in.

I found the gown for him this time.
I found the chux to put under him on the chair.
I’ve sat watching the doc, the technician, the anesthesiolgist looking through the cabinets and such in this office. I have heard the doctor say that he didn’t have the catheters that he is used to using.
And then, I was asked to go sit in the waiting room. Of course, that is probably better for me anyway, because I could hear almost everything that they were saying. Now, they could have closed additional doors, but, I was struggling between being able to know what was going on, and being somewhere peaceful!

Prepare for this? HOW?
Be wrapped in the word of God.
Jim played some scripture music as we were on our way here.
I’m focusing on the scriptures while I’m waiting.

Storms?
This feels like a hurricane that just keeps swirling around and coming back and hitting again.
And each time, I feel weaker – and yet, maybe this feeling of being resigned to the Lord’s hand, is exactly where I need to be.
Waiting in the palm of God’s hand.

I met the couple that are going after Jim. Mike and Sandy Norris.
A very sweet couple.
We discussed how we all got here.
We discussed how we believed that God’s hand was in these delays.
I’m so grateful for Christians to sit with.

Post Procedure

  • He had much difficulty with the intubation – almost called off the procedure.
    If not for the new anesthesiologist – this would have been canceled.
  • Jim was difficult to wake up – if not for this very skilled anesthesiologist, we may have ended up at the hospital across the street.
  • Jim could not have the same type of catheter…the had to have one through his abdomen.
    If not for the experienced Doctor, this could have been a serious complication.
  • Considering the stress of all the delays, Jim’s blood pressure remained safe.
    His oxygen even remained 98 and above!

Jim has some wins as well.

Jim was not happy with the placement of the catheter, but, when one is under anesthesia, one cannot understand all the things the doctor explains.

The upside is that the doctor said that he was able to do everything that he wanted to do and that the tissue responded so well, just melting instantly, that he didn’t even go around to do some other areas that were ‘just in case’.
Now, it’s a different type of recovery than the first time. But recover, we shall!

I’m trying to finish this the following week.
To be honest, we are still struggling, which is why this blog is a week late.

The doctor that was supposed to follow up with Jim, and in fact, talked to him on Wednesday, giving him great calming advice, decided on Monday that Jim was not a candidate for his practice.
WHAT? We were just IN his clinic! He’d been talking to us, and gave Jim his cell phone number! And talked to him on said cell phone!

Disappointed?
Yeah!
Confused?
Completely.
Jim was completely frustrated, potentially angry, but I was not with him, because my leg had given out.

Same day – I found out that my pain doctor may not take me back because I’d rescheduled 2 appointments over the last year, and cancelled one. Not one no show…but, still, I was told that she could not schedule me until he looked over my chart and decided he still wanted me for a patient. WHAT? now it’s wrong to reschedule or cancel appointments?

Angry?
you bet.
And I fell apart.
I was trying very hard not to cry as I went in to see my doctor, and ask for pain meds!

I did get in to see my PCP, and she gave me a new medicine for the pain in my hip. One that will not have the side effects that the previous one had. Surprise? IT WORKS BETTER THAN THE OTHER ONE WITH A PAIN PILL! No pain pills! No pain! And sleep, precious sleep.

How do you prepare for surprises?
You put your faith in the Lord, and you dwell on His word, and you join together, and remind each other that we are a team, Jim, me and God.

Isaiah 54:17
No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their righteousness is from Me,”
Says the Lord.

I found this devotional on Isaiah 54:17 by James MacDonald
It reminds me of everything that I believe about God walking with us through storms.

no-weapon-formed-resized
And another devotional about preparing for warfare came with this graphic above. From ChristiansTT, it teaches about warfare in prayer.

The point is, just because we don’t know the answer – our faith tells us that we know the ONE that holds the ANSWER in His hand.
If we did not believe this – we would not be where we are today.
We would both be locked up in a hospital for not being able to think straight!

  • Our lives are not perfect, but we live in the One Who is.
  • they are riddled with sin, but woven with mercy.
  • they are encumbered with guilt, but awash with grace.
  • they are surrounded with storms, but enveloped with his words “Peace, be still”.
  • HE holds us together…without the Love of God through Jesus Christ – we would not be able to handle the storms.

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom,
and the Power
and the Glory,
Forever.
Amen.

We celebrated Thanksgiving by giving thanks that the Lord is in His house, and in our hearts.
We celebrate Advent, by remembering that many before us have waited to see God’s hand move on their behalf.
We will celebrate Christmas, by thanking the Creator of the Universe for choosing to give of Himself to win us back to Him.
My studies in Prepare this year have been very appropriate.
My studies in Psalm 23 have been very personal.
My heart is that you will be blessed by something in my life stories.

Thank you for sharing them with me.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Holidays – Why I don’t celebrate Halloween

I’ve been asked over the years by Christians and nonChristians alike. Oddly, the non Christians accept my reasoning much more readily than Christians.  This is MY point of view, based on MY life experiences and MY understanding of the Bible.  I’m sharing MY story.  What you do is between YOU and Your God and conscience!

IT’S SCARY!
No, actually, that’s not the original reason that I stopped celebrating Halloween. I once participated in Halloween dances, haunted houses, and watched horror movies. So, I cannot say that this is the reason I quit.

I have a history with witchcraft, so I am very sensitive to anything that has the slightest hint of it.  I know there are those that participate. I know there are those that do so in order to pass out tracts and to share the gospel.  Others may, I may not. But why?

Once, many years ago, my dear husband refused to watch a scary movie with me. His reason? It gave him nightmares! Over the years, I stopped watching the crime dramas because, they, too, gave me nightmares. Why would I want to put myself through such things? Still, that has little to do with why I stopped celebrating Halloween.

When we decided to make it known to our family that we would not be participating in holidays, we mentioned Christmas, Easter and Halloween. Which one got the reaction? Halloween. The one that has nothing to do with celebrating Christ Jesus. I have one family member that has never spoken to me again since.

One church we participated in many years ago, had a harvest party, and asked that children come as Bible characters. I caved in. What harm could come from this? We had a dress for one that with some wings, she became an Angel. The others all had animal sleepers, and went as animals from the ark. All this did was to muddy the waters, and give others reasons to question our integrity. My desire is to be a light to the world, shining Christ’s light. I do not want to be accused of sounding an uncertain sound, or having a filtered light, or casting a shadow.

I am going to share my thoughts on this holiday.
This is how I came up with my decision to not participate at all, in any way.

What is a Christian supposed to focus upon?
Phillipians 4:8-9

8 Finally, brothers and sisters,

  • whatever is true,
  • whatever is noble,
  • whatever is right,
  • whatever is pure,
  • whatever is lovely,
  • whatever is admirable—
  • if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.
And the God of peace will be with you.

In my experience, there is nothing in Halloween that fits these categories. And, yes, I have heard all of the excuses to participate…I’ll share my thoughts on those later.

So, if Halloween is NOT these things, upon what does it focus?

Witches – worshippers of the devil

Death –

Darkness –

  • We’ve been called OUT of darkness –
    1 Peter 2:9

    But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

    John 8:12

    Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.”

  • We are called into the Light –
    1 John 1:5-7

    5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
    6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.
    7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

  • We are called to BE light –Matthew 5:14-16

    14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
    15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
    16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

  • and darkness is the realm of the devil:
    Acts 26:18

    to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me.

Horror

  • this is a simple statement – look at the Halloween movie offerings!
  • My issue with this is that it feeds fear.2 Timothy 1:7

    7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind

  • Jesus said that He came to give us peace…
    John 14:27

    Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

  • All through scripture, God tells us not to be afraid…he doesn’t say there aren’t things to be afraid of. If it is best for me to not be afraid, why would I put myself in the position to be fearful to get an adrenaline rush?

Monsters, demons, vampires and the undead.
Again – none of these glorifies God or confirms the gospel of Christ.

Here is the one scripture verse that really turned my head:
2 Corinthians 6:14-16

14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”

So – is it serious enough just to base this upon what the current practice does? Well, I look around at the continual decay of the celebration. More and more decorations are based around scaring, with death, and witchcraft and demonic activities. In my area, there are even sheets hanging from the trees covered in “blood”.
None of this brings Philippians 4:8-9 to mind!
None of this brings the light of Christ into our midst… were delivered From darkness into HIS LIGHT. Why would I want to go back there?

To do a very simple research upon the roots of Halloween, I have turned to Wikipedia. This is NOT known for it’s religious bent! Even so, this research option includes some of the pagan background of Halloween.

Just reading the generic write up of Halloween in Wikipedia sets my nerves on edge. There are too many similarities to the various occult practices. As for using it to celebrate those that have gone on before, such as all hallows eve? We are not told to celebrate the dead…and even when the rich man asks Lazarus, who was in Abraham’s bosom, awaiting the day of the resurrection, Abraham says that there is a chasm between the living and the dead, and that no one could go through it.(Luke 16:19-31) Those who have died are either in the place of suffering, or are in the place Jesus called paradise when he spoke to the thief upon the cross.

May I present some interesting articles, that of course, support my position, some more than others.

So, why do Christians participate in Halloween?
Why do Christians participate in any worldly activity?
It is much easier to just follow along rather than stand up for one’s beliefs.
In many cases, it is even excused by those in leadership.

You, dear reader, can google why a Christian SHOULD celebrate Halloween on your own. There are many, many articles out there to support this position.

I said I would comment on some of the reasons Christians use to excuse participating in Halloween.
Some just do not see the harm in participating in this high holy day of the devil.
Some use it to pass out Christian Tracts – little pamphlets that present the gospel.
my issues with this:

  • Who really believes that a child that is looking for candy is going to be happy about a little booklet?
  • Who really believes that a child looking for candy is going to READ said booklet?
  • Could this be considered a bait and switch tactic? Oh, yes, the church has gotten very good at bait and switch in order to ‘preach’ the gospel, or to ‘catch’ converts.
  • It’s very dangerous to bring the worldly ways, the pagan ways, into the gospel. There are passages that speak about this, and stories that illustrate this in the Bible. Strange fire and uncertain sound come to mind.

Christianity is not immune to the occult practices, and has it’s share of worship of the dead, as well as giving demons and the devil way too much credit for some things, and not enough credit for others. In fact, even angels and those that have passed on before us are sometimes given special powers and honor that is not biblical! That does not make any of this right. It is the Bible that is my source for my decision.

Again, for me, I must turn to scripture:

2 Corinthians 6:17

Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.”

More than any other thing, I want to hear the Lord say, “Enter into the Joy of the Lord”.
My heart’s desire is to be received by my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Do I think that celebrating Halloween would keep someone out of the Kingdom of God? I honestly don’t know. I know salvation is based upon the relationship with Jesus Christ.  I know that for me to participate is for me to go against all that I have learned about Jesus Christ, God the Father, and against all that the Holy Spirit confirms in my spirit. For me, it opens doors to my past in witchcraft, which, was practiced with the blessing of my church. For me, this is not something I want to risk damaging my relationship with my Creator God. For me, this is playing with fire. I know that I will get burned. This is my experience any time I go against what I believe the Bible leads me to do. I want to enter in at the straight gate….

Matthew 7:14

14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

Contemplating this very post has had an effect upon my recent watching of murder mysteries. Not the scary, gory ones…these are the ones on Hallmark channel! I believe that a sign of a living relationship with Jesus Christ is that we grow, and change, and learn to look more and more like Him. For my own peace of mind, I will be giving these shows up as well.

I want my life to stand for all that Jesus has given me.
I do not want to complicate it.
I do not want to contaminate it.
Seriously, giving up a scary holiday is the least that I can do to tell my Father God that HE is my one and only God.
Giving up gory or non-gory, scary shows is such a tiny offering, considering all that my Lord has given me.

Deuteronomy 30:15-19

15 See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. 16 For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.
17 But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them,
18 I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.
19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live

Here is my declaration:

Joshua 24:14-15

14 “Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord.
15 But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Not a spoonful of sugar, just a dash of color!

One of the things that I did while I was in a residential program was to teach an expressive art class.

Here are some of the examples I used:\

simple painting class

simple painting class


Shhhhh, I’m not sure they were supposed to allow a client/patient to do one of the activities – but, I wanted to, and my life is changed by it!

Here is what I did with the leftover canvases:

painting class

painting class leftovers

Here is everything I did, as my own quiet time activity while at the residential program (minus 2 that I gave away as gifts):

painting meditations

painting meditations

I also did a pen and ink of an orchid type flower while sitting in the front lobby – (I hope I can get the person I gave that one to to send me a copy of it).

And, the other day, while at the conference – I was sitting in the dark quiet room, and my artist was drawing a covered bridge…she gave it away, but the friend says it was absolutely gorgeous. I may get her to scan that one as well.

The point of this?

Ever since the first painting that someone asked me to do for them so that they could look at it and just take a break, I have wanted my paintings to be a source of peace and joy.

(find the photo of Susan with her painting)\

When I painted this painting – my friend Mitzi kept saying she could walk into that back area and just sit down with a book. That back area is now called Mitzi’s garden!

6_Almost_done

Being able to find a place to go to meditate on the things of God to fill your heart with joy is not easy.

But what if you could paint your own hiding place – where you could imagine yourself sitting down and listening to your music, your Bible, your God speak to you?

Maybe I can create a program just like this and bring it around to various churches and organizations that help wounded women…what do you think?

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Could this be the new me?

**author note – I am going to post this, before it’s completely pretty – because I want to post this now. I’ll pretty it up later, and add appropriate links and reference. ~mcw**

    Exercising
    Eating Clean
    Clear thinking
    Functional Strength
    walking with no pain
    dreaming of exercising – Yes, I’m serious!

For the last two years, I have done various ‘diets’ to clean up my ‘act.
A sugar detox – prescribed by my naturopathic doctor in Texas
Whole30 – attempted over and over and over – until it’s a Whole24/7/365.
Various Cleanses
Fruit Flush

All this has done is prove to me over and over that I am sensitive to certain food groups:

    grains
    dairy
    sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar

I have noticed that these food groups cause undesirable reactions:

    grains – sleepiness
    dairy – phlegm, among other things
    sugar – inflammation, which causes pain, which flares Fibromyalgia

This is my new me –

    To care for myself – and to choose foods because they make me feel good – not because they feed my emotional distress.
    To care for myself – and to choose to do things that keep my hips moving, my knees strong, my ankles flexible – and protecting my neck.
    To care for myself – because I like me – not because of anyone else’s opinion.

I have done many diets over the years, and some were successful in losing weight, but I still had the eating disorders and the mental baggage.

This year, 2014, I have worked on myself within the group called Nerd Fitness. I started the year with a whole30 – and lost 20 pounds – then gained it all back, even though I was working through challenges within the forum groups.
Why did I gain it back?
My brain or my emotions or my whatever continued to WANT the things that make me sick.
My mind allowed excuses –

    I hurt, so I need……
    I’m celebrating, so I need….
    I’m along, so I need….
    I’m traveling, so I need, want, can have….

and so many more, that I have realized that my 54 years have not been focused upon fuel, but stuffing…stuffing emotional pain.
If all I did was have a piece of pie once a month for a celebration,
Or had some special food item at a travel destination,
I would naturally burn that off – as I exercise my life.

but I didn’t do that.

    pints of ice cream –
    pies – 1/2 and sometimes whole pies
    bags of candy
    burgers and fries for comfort memories
    diet pop

These are the some of the choices I have made over the last 20 years.

I have blamed all the surgeries I’ve had since 1989.
Yes, hormones, metabolism, injuries, immobilization boots, excruciating pain, heart rate issues and more, can be blamed for not exercising.
But over the years, I have learned to modify exercising – and I have had success…why haven’t I continued?
I have been lazy in many ways.

I have had legitimate reasons for not ‘exercising’ in the manner in which most fitness trainers suggest. There was a time, just walking could cause a tendon to rupture – which meant surgery – which meant 8-12 weeks rehab.

But, how did I deal with subsequent surgeries?
I felt sorry for myself.
I was like Job – I sat on my recliner (like his dung pile) and cried “woe is me!”
Because I was emotionally distraught – I ate.
And, I did not exercise what I could!
And I did not draw nearer and nearer to God.
I blamed God for allowing me to go through all this pain – amongst other emotional pains. And I will stand by the fact that HE is in control of everything – while also allowing me freedom of choice. How that works is not something that I comprehend on this earth, I just take it by faith.
But I didn’t allow these challenges to continue to draw me closer.

In Job’s story – when he was first challenged – he came through with flying colors!
As God allowed the enemy to take more and more from him – Job cracked.
He even despaired of life itself.
His wife told him “curse God and die!”

His friends – oh the “Job’s friends” that came to ‘encourage him’!
“confess your sins and this will stop!”
But Job wasn’t aware of any sins within himself – God himself had said Job was righteous. So Job tries to convince his friends that he hasn’t done anything – that God had just decided to allow these things – and he had no idea why. And yet, Job preached – and his words are recorded, and used to encourage us who would give up.

In the end – God showed Job the bit of sin still in his heart – and Job repented, received a new understanding of God, and a relationship with Him, and His friends got a new understanding of grace and mercy!

What does that have to do with me?
My weight is a direct outcome of my lack of leaning on Jesus.

  • When I am hurt – I should go to the Holy Spirit for comfort –
    but I’ve gone to ice cream, chocolate, pies.
  • When I am angry – I should go to my savior, and receive HIS grace to release the anger, and respond as Christ would respond, but I’ve eaten sweets to stuff it down.
  • When I am alone – I should go to Jesus who will never leave me nor forsake me, but I eat sweet and salty things to feed my aloneness.
  • When I am bored – I should fill my mind with good things, and exercise my body for energy and health to care for this temple of the Holy Spirit, but I sit and watch tv, movies, play games.

    • For me – putting anything between me and God is committing idolatry.
    For me – when I go to something other than God for help, I am committing idolatry.

    I don’t mean that I can’t get help from other places – because that is why God created us to be a tribal/community driven creature. And, God has brought many people into my life that have helped me overcome.

    I do mean – I need to pray – speak to God, through Jesus Christ, in the Holy Spirit – before any other ‘device’.
    And self damaging reactions are NOT God’s way.

    Here are just a few comparisons:

      Sitting in a chair, watching tv OR listening to worship songs that cause me to dance before the Lord!
      Eating ice cream so fast I can hardly taste it OR writing out my feelings, and dealing with them in TRUTH.
      Cramming huge portions of food into my mouth like a pig OR talking and laughing with friends around a table for celebrations, being a light and joy.
      Cutting myself to release endorphins OR going on a prayer walk.

    For me – when I do not care for this temple that God has entrusted to me, when I take this temple into temples that do not honor God, I am sinning.

    • I am confessing, before anyone that reads this, that I repent of this mindset of leaning on everything other than the Most High God.
    • I confess of using ‘things’ to stuff the challenges that God has given to me, for my growth.
    • I confess being lazy – not wanting to grow anymore! Yes – true!
    • I confess that I have used food as a slow form of suicide – knowing thigns would eventually kill me.
    • I confess that I have not been a faithful caretaker of this temple –
      and I ask forgiveness, and I ask for mercy, and I ask for grace to turn things around.

    I have been turning things around this year – by the grace of Jesus Christ – but I need to make a stand.

    And, because of this repentance –
    I am a new me – and this time, I pray that the old Christine stays gone – passed away, and all things are becoming new!

    Exercise – Eat right – Excitement

      I wake up at night – and do leg exercises.
      I miss my morning Fasting Low Intensity Cardio walks!
      I miss my worship dancing – and being in the presence of God.
      I miss my meditative art.
      I don’t want things to make me feel bad.
      I want to eat things that nourish my body – so that I can live the life that God has prepared for me, and this temple shines with His glory!

    Go tell ‘John’ what you see and hear:
    The lame walk
    The blind see
    and the poor receive the gospel.

    I was lame – and now I walk.
    I was blinded to my responsibility – but now I see.
    I was falling away from the gospel, and feeling poorly spiritually – but God, through Jesus Christ, has breathed the Holy Spirit into me anew – and the gospel is the story.

    This is the new me. Welcome to my Journey.

    Thanks for joining me in this journey,
    In His hands and under His wings,
    ~Christi
    Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

    “The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
    If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
    If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” –     from My Utmost for His highest

    I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
    Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
    I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
    Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

    Barbs Drawing

    Naomi’s Heart Mission

    Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

My Faith Revealed

I am a Christian.
what does that mean?
It means that I desire to live like Christ, because of what HE has done for me – by FAITH –
I believe “the stories”
I believe “the legends”
I belive ” the myth”
I believe it is TRUTH!

This morning – I went out to the beach, for a sunrise service that was too late for the sunrise.
but I was able to sit, listen to my husband read scripture,

MATTHEW 27

then we sang The Easter Song

“Easter Song” performed by Matthew Ward:
Easter Song

And I prayed  for forgiveness for last year, and for renewed grace for this next year – to grow closer and more like Jesus.

And then, to remind myself of my baptism….

image

There is only one baptism in Christ, for the forgiveness of sins:
Mark 1:4

Ephesians 4:5-7 
5 One Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all. 7 But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ.

But, for myself, a very kinetic learner, that needs kinetic reminders – I choose to go to the water, and remember my committment.

And the meaning of baptism is this:

Romans 6:3-5
…3 Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death?
4Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.
5For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection,…

And this is the life I want to live:

Romans 6:6-8

…6 knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; 7for he who has died is freed from sin.
8Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him,…

There are so many ways that I allow death to enter my body – with food, thoughts, and even deeds that I do or leave undone.
Here is the Prayer for forgivness from the Episcopal book of common prayer:

Almighty and most merciful Father,
we have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep,
we have followed too much the devices and desires of our
   own hearts,
we have offended against thy holy laws,
we have left undone those things which we ought to
   have done,
and we have done those things which we ought not to
   have done.
But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us,
spare thou those who confess their faults,
restore thou those who are penitent,
according to thy promises declared unto mankind
in Christ Jesus our Lord;
and grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake,
that we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life,
to the glory of thy holy Name. Amen.

And, then, the priest – whom today is Jesus – says to me:

The Almighty and merciful Lord grant you absolution and
remission of all your sins, true repentance, amendment of
life, and the grace and consolation of his Holy Spirit. Amen.

And my statement of Faith –

The Apostles’ Creed

Officiant and People together, all standing

I believe in God, the Father almighty,
    maker of heaven and earth;
And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord;
    who was conceived by the Holy Ghost,
    born of the Virgin Mary,
    suffered under Pontius Pilate,
    was crucified, dead, and buried.
    He descended into hell.
The third day he rose again from the dead.
    He ascended into heaven,
    and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father almighty.
    From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Ghost,
    the holy catholic Church,
    the communion of saints,
    the forgiveness of sins,
    the resurrection of the body,
    and the life everlasting. Amen.

And, a prayer for guidance:

O heavenly Father, in whom we live and move and have our
being: We humbly pray thee so to guide and govern us by thy
Holy Spirit, that in all the cares and occupations of our life
we may not forget thee, but may remember that we are ever
walking in thy sight; through Jesus Christ our Lord.     Amen.

And my specific prayer for myself:

Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

I want to be like Jesus – in the ways of Love, laid out in 1 Cor 13; by growing fruit, as specified in Ephesians 5:22-23; and by good works – as spoken of in

Ephesians 2:10.

If I work on these things, I will be more than busy enough for the rest of my earthly life.
If I work on these things, I will be more and more like Christ each day.

In my heart, this is my reasonable service:

Romans 12:1-2

1Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.
2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.…

And, after my meditation for this day – this day to celebrate the ressurection, I ended with a very precious song from my childhood services:

Christ the Lord is Risen today

for further contemplation, I present 10 Favorite Easter Scriptures! from the Gospel Herald.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.


If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.



If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.”– from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!

Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Sponsor a Child

 
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depression digs deep with drugs

Hello.
My name is Christi.
I live with depression.
Not by choice – but by genetics and some environment, and nurture.  Mostly, genetics. And training through the nurture.
I Live.
I choose to LIVE.
and yet, I’ve lived with voices in my head since I was 16, telling me that I’m not good enough for this world, and I should just take myself out of the equation and make everyone elses lives better.  sometimes it’s a screaming all incompassing voice.  sometimes just a quiet whisper.  sometimes I recognize that it is not MY desire and I can fight it.  sometimes, it can over power the other, more sensible voices in my head.  But, even though it can be quieted for a while, I have found that the voice is not dead.

I Have one attempt that I have written about. In 2009, that voice was too loud for sense to break through.

But I tried to ask for help for years…and was told, at 16, “that’s normal – all teens go through that. ”
Later, I was told: “stop being dramatic, stop demanding attention.”
I knew very few people that really thought about dying, much less HOW to do it, and WHY.
I didn’t really find this group of people for which it was normal, except in a psychiatric hospital…but, those of us that need to be hospitalized are not the social norm, are we?  Or we wouldn’t be hospitalized, right?

Ok – so, here’s the current situation.
I have pain – I fibromyalgia – AND I have issues with tendons at the insertion points.  This has meant multiple surgeries – AND a standard set of medications that have psychiatric effects as well. 
The most recent tests had me looking back to a medicine that had been prescribed to help with migraines…to relax muscles. I was supposed to take this twice a day.
Another doctor had me taking a medication that was to prevent migraines…and I was supposed to titrate that up to three pills a day.

WARNING: ALWAYS CHECK MEDICATION SIDE EFFECTS, AND HOW THEY CAN EFFECT EACH OTHER BEFORE TAKING NEW MEDS!  MAYBE EVEN BEFORE GETTING THE SCRIPT FILLED!

I guess that could be a spoiler.

I also suffer from S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.  In Ohio, in the winter – I used a light box to counter act the effects.  But I live in sunny florida!
This winter has been very rough – much grey sky and rainy weather.   Not snow – but the grey was our part of the 2014 winter.
two children moving further away, one with two grandchildren as well.
one child having scary health issues
one child having children issues
hips back and knee continued to limit my ability…I hurt my knee trying to ride a stationary bike!
moving out of an apartment back into the RV
Thinking we were getting a new RV that would address some issues of the old RV – and getting denied(actually, too high interest rate).
Jim traveling much more than we had originally planned
I broke my foot. I’m stuck in a boot, which limited my walking in the ‘sunshine’ when it was out!
And just all around malaise that comes with fibro, with the addition of migraines from the weather fronts.

Writing this up, it doesn’t sound like much…but, it added up – and I had a low level depression.
I saw doctors for the pain – and the prescribed the above treatments.
And I got depressed.
I have not had voices telling me to kill myself loud enough for a few years…until this past fall.
And, I fought them. And, usually, I won.
but I started losing more and more often.

I talked to my husband – and we agreed that there is the concern that if I went to a new psychiatrist,
a. it is going to have to start all over with the whole story…which is traumatizing to me
b. they will choose to give me more medicine OR
c. they will hospitalize me – and they will misdiagnose me again…with wrong meds that cause problems.

Several times, I was close – but last weekend – I was very close – VERY CLOSE.
Jim was going to Atlanta – we had decided not to go together – because I was so depressed there was nothing that could comfort me…
BUTGOD –
Now, lots of people say that God comes shining in and talks to them and saves them.
That’s not me.
BUTGOD –
On Saturday night – the night I told Jim that I was NOT going to Atlanta and Alabama with him, I had a perfect plan.
BUTGOD –
I have been a Christian for 45 of my 54 years.
I confess that Jesus is my Lord and Savior – and that I want HIM to be in charge of MY life.
I believe the scriptures are truth – for today – and applicable.
And as I went to sleep, talking to God as I do each night, I was explaining that I didn’t have any other choice…
BUTGOD –
“way of escape”
“what?”
“ask for a way of escape”
Oh, bleep – He’s quoting His word to me…the Word that I believe is true, and that at this moment I believe does not have any comfort for me.
1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

“Ok, Lord, please show me a way of escape.” and I went to sleep.
Sunday morning – I woke up – “go with Jim”
In my mental state, that was the last thing I wanted to do – but I prayed for a way of escape – and here it was. If I didn’t take it…I knew I would be dead, possibly in more ways than one.

I became friends with some others on NerdFitness that are fighting the same struggle.
While driving – I was useful to Jim to drive so that he could work as he traveled. Plus!
While I was in Birmingham – I met a long time friend – and had a great time. PLUS!
While in the hotel – I did a one hour water workout and remembered what it felt like to be in water! BIGPLUS!
When I got home, I found out that I had been mentioned in an article by a man that I admire – and has Jim’s ear – and could open the door for my life to help others. UBER BIG PLUS!!
In the mean time, I got an inkling that my medications were possibly iffy.
side effects – not complications of combinations – just the side effects of both were enhanced depression – which often leads to suicide thoughts!!! ARRGGHH!!
so, I stopped it.
REBOUND HEADACHE!!!
BUT – I knew what it was.
And I started laughing again. Jim commented – it’s nice to hear your laugh again!
And as the medicine left my body – my mind began to clear – I don’t want to die…I WANT TO LIVE!
And I want to touch people that are hurting – because I know about hurting – physical, mental, emotional and social.
I did not die – I did not have the tools in the hotel room!
BUTGOD – gave me a way of escape –
BUTGOD – even reminded me to ASK for that way of escape.

My life line scripture –

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR YOU ARE WITH ME;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me!
Ps 23:4

I have a coin with that inscribed upon it – and I have put it back on.
will I fight this battle again? probably.
but this time, I have a few more friends that will hold my hand.
I have a few more tools.
and I have the experience that if I cry out to God for a way of escape – HE IS FAITHFUL.
If I am faithful to believe, HE IS FAITHFUL TO DELIVER!

thank you for reading this.
May you know the shepherd of Psalm 23 as YOUR personal savior!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

 
Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

GRACE UPDATE

I am so sorry that this is so late…..
we moved…we emptied our RV trailer, put it up for sale, and moved into an apartment – all within 7 days….
stress through the roof…most people have a month or more to get their head around moving from one place to another…but me…I had to get my head around a lifestyle change, move, and other stressful things….all in a 7 day period.
I am happy with our apartment – but stress leads to various things…moving leads to eating out…and we did – and I paid for it.
Stress can lead to injuries and pain – and it did – and I tend to eat to block the pain…and i did.

On the other hand – this was all at the same time that we were supposed to be doing the food testing anyway….
eating out = crap stuck inside poisoning our bodies (magnesium helped get things moving again!)
CHEESE = allergy symptoms
dairy totally = allergy symptoms
bread – groggy – what I’d called FMS fibrofog for YEARS! and had tried to treat with toast to comfort me!
sugar – yucky….we avoided it – EXCEPT in some celebratory deserts….with ice cream….JUST ADD EVERYTHING BAD INTO ONE COBBLER WITH ICECREAM, AND YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!

yesterday, I caved to Chick-fil-a’s peach milkshake…and today, I have had to take the first allergy pill in months!

So – the yeast cleanse WORKED!

We’ve tested out the big three badies – Dairy, Grains and Sugar – they do not work for us.
And, soon, maybe even this next week, we are starting a new program – Whole30 –

I should probably write a blog about our progress through that!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

28 Days of Grace – day 24

Follow Up with Doctor
oops, nope….health and wellness doctor got sick!
So, work on the things I was planning to work on…online….and then, I thought I’d go paint.
Only, by the time I got the things done I was planning on getting done before my 2pm appointment…well, it was 1:30pm!!!

So – what did I do?
took Gabriel for another walk!
This was not as far…
This morning’s walk was .47 mi in 15:41 minutes(with doggy poo waiting involved)
This afternoon’s walk was .34 mi in 7:40 minutes. I was pushing the speed…and could feel the beginning of the shin spints on the right leg…BUT it was at 2.65 mph…the fastest since my surgery!

My goal? 4mph…is that possible with walking? I don’t know….
How has this yeast free program worked to help me in this?
Lowered inflammation TOTALLY!
My endurance is growing…and I’m not freaked out by the pains!

Eating…totally going paleo…I feel better than ever.

Is this like paying the price for heaven?
what? there’s a price that we pay?

YEPPERS!
Luke 14:35 and following….there IS a COST to discipleship!

And I am learning that the cost for health is just part of the cost of discipleship…because:

1 cor 3:16-17

Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and [that] the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?
If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which [temple] ye are.

1 cor 6:19-20

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

I don’t belong to myself…except that it is my choice to whom I belong…and I choose to glorify God in MY body!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! Or sign up for an account, and you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

28 Days of Grace – day 23

Furious!!!
I’m furious!!!

I have fought for over 50 years to be free of the garbage that abuse puts into every cell of a person, and today, someone that preaches a strong Godly message promotes domestic violence…because the photo is supposedly funny…AND ADDED THE BIBLE VERSE “TO BE BLAMELESS BEFORE THE LORD”!!!

So, what did I do?
go to my closet and pray?
well, that has never really been my style….
BUT – I have not always taken ON the person head on!

well, facebook to facebook.

Anyway – I took this man, and his friends, on…to stand for the respect and safety of women and children everywhere!

Has this come out of this 28 DAY process?
YES!!! Grace seems to breed courage!

To gain health, I must deny myself things that are not good for me(like ice cream, fresh bread, apple pie, pizza).
To gain health, I must do things that may be uncomfortable(like exercise, or cook)
To gain health, I must make different choices every day….because my old choices did not land me in a healthy place!

There is a saying…”To not decide is a decision in itself.”
How about:
To choose not to choose is a choice in itself.

There is also a saying that “to not move forward is to slide backwards…because there is NO standing still.”
Of course, there is the saying: Do or do not, there is no try! (Yoda)

I haven’t done this yeast free thing perfectly…in fact, I think I’m going to go for a second 28 day run…but I have failed forward.

I FAILED FORWARD!!!

Because I have been pushing myself forward…I have failed forward. All of my failings have been further forward than if I had never tried!

What does that have to do with the man and domestic violence?
A victim often is scared into silence, and lack of action.
A Victor is able to respond from a point of victory…and take a stand.
A Victor may fall down, but they are further ahead than the victim that hides in the background.

With my health…I have been a victim of false advertising, false medical care, and false hope.
I have taken that back, I have embraced the fact that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HEALTH – and though that is scary…that is also VICTORY!

No one is going to put baby in a corner again!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! Or sign up for an account, and you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!