Sometimes, I feel all alone.
It feels like there is no one on my side.
If feels like that saying “if you were the only one on earth, Jesus would have come to die on the cross for you” – except for all those people around.
Loneliness.
Alone-ness
For several months, I’ve felt alone. It wasn’t that there aren’t people that care for me, because there are. It was because I was not able to get out because of my physical limitations. My health issues kept me inside.
Christine Miserandino wrote an article about the Spoon Theory that gave all of us with ‘hidden’ disabilities the way to explain our various abilities.
Because some health issues are invisible to others, we, whom suffer invisibly can feel very alone. Trying to explain why we have the want to, but we don’t have the can do becomes exhausting. After years of trying to explain this to others that offer platitudes, the health fad of the day, their uncle’s second cousin twice removed miraculous cure and so on, a person just tries to hide that part of them. It is easier to just pull back into oneself rather than exert the effort to engage another person, and waste the spoons that could otherwise make the day a bit more bearable.
Another analogy – the battery theory.
Christine wrote her theory article in 2003. It went “viral’ amongst those of us with chronic, hidden illnesses. It made a huge difference in the ability to communicate with non-spoonies. Yet, there is a serious problem with these illustrations.
“how many spoons do you have left today?”
“Yesterday, that took 2 spoons, why are you acting so tired today, doing the same thing?”
See, the spoon cost is not the same from day to day. The analogy breaks down when you try to make it a data stream, a statistic point, a menu of energy.
Yes, there are days that I decide that I will not take a shower, because often, that uses up so many of my spoons, that the next option is to go to bed. To prepare my house for Bible Study can be a joy, or a nightmare, depending on the spoon expenditure. That is never the same from one day to the next. I don’t always know how many spoons it will take. Sometimes, it can take a day for me to recover, because I had to borrow spoons from the next day. Don’t get me wrong! I absolutely LOVE having people over to my home, to share something to eat and drink, and to talk about Jesus! It’s not just stressful relationships that can suck the spoons out of me. Laughter, singing, hugging, talking and interacting with people I love to be around can drain me. I have to count the cost daily, so that I can perform my mission to the glory of God.
Be Like Jesus.
WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH HER WORD FOR THE YEAR?
Mark 6:31
And He said to them, “Come with Me privately to a solitary place, and let us rest for a while.” For many people were coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.
Jesus and the disciples were exhausted.
John had been martyred.
The disciples had been sent out on their first missionary trip(hmmm, what did Jesus do while they were out doing the work of the Kingdom? was he resting in the Father?).
Jesus said, come with me…let us rest.
Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Jesus promises us rest…but often, we forget the second part.
The YOKE.
The BURDEN.
Yes, it is easy and light.
Yes, he is gently and lowly, and will give us rest for our souls.
The reason he says this is that we are wearing a YOKE – we are workers in the KINGDOM – and our souls get weary doing the work.
And HE provides us rest, when we come to HIM.
Psalm 23 – The Lord is MY Shepherd – and sometimes, we have to be led to still water.
Sometimes, we have to be MADE to lie down in GREEN PASTURES so that HE can restore our souls!
I’ve felt broken.
I’ve felt less than.
In fact, because of my limitations, I’ve felt like the unprofitable servant(Matthew 25:14-30) …hiding my talents because I cannot go out and invest it, or buy and sell, or whatever.
I feel slothful, and, sometimes, I feel wicked.
I feel lazy.
Actually, while yes I do feel broken and less than, and I grieve because of the things I cannot do, the reality of feeling slothful, wicked and lazy is that I project that onto what I think others think of me.
Jesus wasn’t born in 2000, with computers, and cable, internet social media to share the gospel. He didn’t come when he could fly around in a jet, and speak to thousands in large coliseums. Did he know what Y2K would provide in the way of spreading the gospel? Of course He did. Still he came, in something BC, and walked from place to place, speaking without a microphone, trusting that His disciples would share what he said with integrity.
Creator God came in the form of a baby – a helpless, dependent baby – to save the world.
Born alone, in a stable, because there was no room for his family in the Inn.
Homeless.
Branded illegitimate.
The Bible says that he had to grow in wisdom…
ETERNAL GOD was disabled by being limited to THE FINITE.
Jesus even said that he had to ask the Father’s guidance, that while here on earth, He didn’t know the hour or the day of things to come.
How do I be like Jesus, when I am limted by the finite of my chronic illnesses?
Recognizing my limitations!
If the son of God needed time apart to recover, then surely I do.
If those walking side-by-side with Jesus needed time apart to rest, then surely I do!
Of course, when the earth was created, on the seventh day REST was created.
Rest was created FOR US, and yet, it says in Genesis 2:
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2 And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. 3 So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.
God set this up, as an example to us. He told Moses, on Mount Sinai:
Exodus 20:
8 “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
9 Six days you shall labor, and do all your work,
10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates.
11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
How does this tell me to be like Jesus? REST
1. Recognize my limitations. I am finite. I am NOT GOD-Man!
2. Embrace the YOKE of HIS calling, not MY want to. Make sure I’m doing the Father’s will.
3. Remember that REST is a holy gift from my Father God. It honors God for me to rest.
Then, there is my attitude about myself – accepting that I was fearfully and wonderfully made – wrinkles, warts, scabs and scars. Can I do anything about these limitations? Some, yes. Other’s no.
It’s my responsibility to to whatever the Lord puts into my hand to do, and to do it to the best of my ability, unto HIS glory.
My body is the temple of the Holy Ghost – and I should treat it like a temple. I don’t mean to worship my own body. I do mean, I need to determine the clean and unclean things that I do to my body. Again, clarification – I am not saying that I’m going around living in sin, and performing all manner of wickedness.
Many years ago – when I was just a young girl, my mom shared a story with me about our minister’s wife at a woman’s bible study. People were asking for prayer to help them overcome things that were causing them to stumble. Goldie Marshall asked for prayer to avoid chocolate. I don’t know what her issue was, but what I do remember is how that impacted my mom.
“She is so dedicated to the Lord that she even would give up chocolate to be more like Him”
My body suffers from some of the things I eat.
My body suffers from lack of movement, because of the consequences of some of the things I eat.
I cannot exercise as much as would be good for my body, because of choices I have made that have caused more co-morbidities to my health issues.
I have not cared for the temple.
The walls are torn down, or fallen down.
While I cannot change the specific illnesses in many ways, I can make choices to mitigate their effects.
Case in point – DM2.
With the help of my service dog, and learning to listen, I no longer have a diagnosis of DM2. It’s been downgraded(upgraded?) to Impaired fasting glucose.
Now, what if I’d been even more determined about my eating? Maybe the IFG would be gone. The weight would be gone, and the issues that being overweight causes. Maybe, I’d be more energetic, and more capable to do the tasks God has for me.
Is this like hiding my talent? For me – yes.
1 Corinthians 3:16-17
16 Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?
17 If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.
This chapter talks about building…wood, hay and stubble, or gold silver and precious stone. In the end, I am going to be judged by the materials I used to build this temple.
Jesus made sure that his followers were fed, both spiritually and physically. God miraculously fed the Israelites in the desert. Elijah was fed by ravens. Peter was told to eat what God laid before him. I’m not talking about the levitical legalistic dietary laws. I’m talking about God providing food for His children. I’ve often been taught, and have taught about the need for spiritual food, and how often.
Hunger and thirst after righteousness, and you shall be filled!
Avoid the leaven of the Pharisees.
Too often, I have not applied that to my physical body.
Proverbs 23:1-3
1 When you sit down to eat with a ruler,
observe carefully what[a] is before you,
2 and put a knife to your throat
if you are given to appetite.
3 Do not desire his delicacies,
for they are deceptive food.
empty calories
toxic drinks (thinking about diet soda…just to be clear!)
foods that cause inflammation, pain, migraines, and congestion.
POISON
in the temple of the Holy Spirit!
UNCLEAN!
How does this tell me to be like Jesus? FUEL
1. wash my body with clean water, like I wash my spirit with clean water of the Word.
2. Feed my body the best nutrition possible. This body was created to heal itself, if only it is given the proper fuel.
3. Movement. I’m not exactly certain how this fits, I just know it does. Follow the Shepherd. Walk as Jesus walked.
I really did not expect this to be part of MY ONE WORD – Rest and fuel!
Now that the Lord has pointed it out to me, I can see how I have been an unprofitable servant, by not caring for the temple. I can see how I have hidden my talents by not giving my body the best opportunities to be at it’s best. I can see how I have abused my body by pushing it past it’s limitations, and not going to the Lord, and resting in Him. I can’t blame it all on the number of spoons I may have or may not have, though it is my responsibility to make sure that all of my spoons are ready to be used when the Lord calls!
Am I really all alone?
When I am not able to fellowship with other believers, whose fault is it, if I have worn myself out doing other than?
I’m never alone, because of Jesus.
The aloneness I have suffered with lately, is the result of my choices that have exacerbated my limitations and prevented me from fellowshipping with believers face-to-face.
That’s another thing that I need to recognize is part of being like Jesus.
He CHOSE to come down here to be with US!
One of the things for which to save up spoons is fellowship.
Fellowship is very important.
Hebrews 10:24-25
24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Matthew 18:20
20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
James 5:14-16
14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
15 And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.
16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
I must be part of the BODY of Christ.
1 Corinthians 12
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Pretty clear.
1. Rest
2. Fuel
3. Fellowship
It is up to me how I apply my spoons.
I can waste them.
I can hoard them.
Or I can treat them as precious gold to be spent for the Kingdom of God, and invest them wisely so that I can bear much fruit and glorify my Father Who is in Heaven.
Spoons come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes I need a ladle, sometimes a slotted spoon to take things with discernment. Sometimes, all I have is a 1/4 tsp.
The key is – what do I do with it?
And do I hole up in my home, and cry “I’m so alone”, or do I ask for help when my spoons are gone?
As for the aloneness – Jesus felt very alone in the garden, when all of His friends fell asleep. He chose to go to the Father, and then, finish the work that He’d begun.
Is my alone-ness actually me being alone?
Or me choosing to be alone?
Some of both.
My responsibility is to be like Jesus, and give grace when it’s from others, and give myself a reality check when it’s because of my choices.
Accept my limitations,
rest as needed,
fuel for the fire, and
fellowship in and with Christ.
I never thought of these as being like Jesus.
What do YOU think about this?
Do you ever struggle with these areas?
I’m so glad that Jesus knows our form, that we are but dust, and that HE is the one that forms us, and works in us and completes us to the Glory of God! Amen!
Jim & Christi 2017
Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest
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Psalms 8, 38, 68, 98, 128 and Proverb 8
Psalm 38 – a Psalm of despair from David’s Prayer Journal
Psalm 68 – a long song from David’s Prayer Journal PRAISE!
But so is this.
