Category Archives: Jounral

2017 – My One Word – #mydays – first love

As I said, last weekend really brought me around to remembering what my focus should be, in light of eternity.

Psalm 90:12
12 So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.

I turn 57 on September 8.
that is 7 years past a half century.
that is 13 years until the ‘fullness’ or, if I’m strong, 23. (threescore and 10 in KJV)

Psalm 90:10
The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away.

Numbering my days….

Psalm 39:4
“O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!

Is this a morbid consideration? No, at least, not according to Solomom:

Eccl 7:2
It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.

What is the purpose for this focus?

Eccl 9:10
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going.

To number our days…to make our days count!

Colossians 3:23-24
23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Ephesians 6:1-9 speaks on how a servant – and I am a servant of God – should serve.

In my last post, I shared how it is my desire to see my Lord face to face – and hear him say:

Matthew 25:23
23 His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’

I want to respond as Isaiah and Samuel:

Isaiah 6:8
8 Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying:
“Whom shall I send,
And who will go for Us?”
Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

1 Samuel 3:10
10 And the Lord came, and stood, and called as at other times, Samuel, Samuel. Then Samuel answered, Speak; for thy servant heareth.

I want to respond as Mary and Ruth:

Luke 1:38
38 And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Ruth 1:16-17
16 But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”

I have just re-read what I wrote about Ruth 1.
For Advent, I did a study on Mary – the mother of Christ. Very convicting how this girl just obeyed…even in the face of death. And, in the face of a horrible death for her son.

There is Abraham – who in the face of sacrificing his son – got up in the morning immediately!

Genesis 22:1-3
22:1 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” 2 He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” 3 So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him.

And there are those that followed Jesus – when he called – straightway….always immediately. I’m not going to list all of them here.

Then, Jesus condemns those that put their hand to the plow and look back:

Luke 9:
57 As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” 58 And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” 59 To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” 60 And Jesus[g] said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” 61 Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” 62 Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

The first one, I will follow you wherever you go – receives a challenge about the difficulty. Did Jesus know something about this person’s heart?

The next requests to take care of things seems reasonable…
First, let me bury my dead – commentaries say that this person asks to be allowed to care for his family then come.
First let me say goodbye – it would appear that putting those at home above service and following did not go over well with Christ.

From Blue Letter Bible, here is Matthew Henry’s Commentary on Luke 9 – for he says it much better than I, and I am convicted by this commentary:

Luk 9:57-62

We have here an account of three several persons that offered themselves to follow Christ, and the answers that Christ gave to each of them. The two former we had an account of in Mt. 19:21.

I. Here is one that is extremely forward to follow Christ immediately, but seems to have been too rash, hasty, and inconsiderate, and not to have set down and counted the cost.

1. He makes Christ a very large promise (v. 57): As they went in the way, going up to Jerusalem, where it was expected Christ would first appear in his glory, one said to him, Lord, I will follow thee withersoever thou goest. This must be the resolution of all that will be found Christ’s disciples indeed; they follow the Lamb whithersoever he goes (Rev. 14:4), though it be through fire and water, to prisons and deaths.

2. Christ gives him a necessary caution, not to promise himself great things in the world, in following him, but, on the contrary, to count upon poverty and meanness; for the Son of man has not where to lay his head.
We may look upon this,

(1.) As setting forth the very low condition that our Lord Jesus was in, in this world. He not only wanted the delights and ornaments that great princes usually have, but even such accommodations for mere necessity as the foxes have, and the birds of the air. See what a depth of poverty our Lord Jesus submitted to for us, to increase the worth and merit of his satisfaction, and to purchase for us a larger allowance of grace, that we through his poverty might be rich, 2 Co. 8:9. He that made all did not make a dwelling-place for himself, not a house of his own to put his head in, but what he was beholden to others for. He here calls himself the Son of man, a Son of Adam, partaker of flesh and blood. He glories in his condescension towards us, not only to the meanness of our nature, but to the meanest condition in that nature, to testify his love to us, and to teach us a holy contempt of the world and of great things in it, and a continual regard to another world. Christ was thus poor, to sanctify and sweeten poverty to his people; the apostles had not certain dwelling-place (1 Co. 4:11), which they might the better bear when they knew their Master had not; see 2 Sa. 11:11. We may well be content to fare as Christ did.

(2.) As proposing this to the consideration of those who intend to be his disciples. If we mean to follow Christ, we must lay aside the thoughts of great things in the world, and not reckon upon making any thing more than heaven of our religion, as we must resolve not to take up with any thing less. Let us not go about to compound the profession of Christianity with secular advantages; Christ has put them asunder, let us not think of joining them together; on the contrary, we must expect to enter into the kingdom of heaven through many tribulations, must deny ourselves, and take up our cross. Christ tells this man what he must count upon if he followed him, to lie cold and uneasy, to fare hard, and live in contempt; if he could not submit to this, let him not pretend to follow Christ. This word sent him back, for aught that appears; but it will be no discouragement to any that know what there is in Christ and heaven to set in the scale against this.

II. Here is another, that seems resolved to follow Christ, but he begs a day, v. 59. To this man Christ first gave the call; he said to him, Follow me. He that proposed the thing of himself fled off when he heard of the difficulties that attended it; but this man to whom Christ gave a call, though he hesitated at first, yet, as it should seem, afterwards yielded; so true was that of Christ, You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, Jn. 15:16. It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth (as that forward spark in the foregoing verses), but of God that showeth mercy, that gives the call, and makes it effectual, as to this man here. Observe,

1. The excuse he made: “Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. I have an aged father at home, who cannot live long, and will need me while he does live; let me go and attend on him until he is dead, and I have performed my last office of love to him, and then I will do any thing.’ We may here see three temptations, by which we are in danger of being drawn and kept from following Christ, which therefore we should guard against:-

(1.) We are tempted to rest in a discipleship at large, in which we may be at a loose end, and not to come close, and give up ourselves to be strict and constant.

(2.) We are tempted to defer the doing of that which we know to be our duty, and to put if off to some other time. When we have got clear of such a care and difficulty, when we have despatched such a business, raised an estate to such a pitch, then we will begin to think of being religious; and so we are cozened out of all our time, by being cozened out of the present time.

(3.) We are tempted to think that our duty to our relations will excuse us from our duty to Christ. It is a plausible excuse indeed: “Let me go and bury my father,-let me take care of my family, and provide for my children, and then I will think of serving Christ;’ whereas the kingdom of God and the righteousness thereof must be sought ad minded in the first place.

2. Christ’s answer to it (v. 60): “Let the dead bury their dead. Suppose (which is not likely) that there are none but the dead to bury their dead, or none but those who are themselves aged and dying, who are as good as dead, and fit for no other service, yet thou hast other work to do; go thou, and preach the kingdom of God.’ Not that Christ would have his followers or his ministers to be unnatural; our religion teaches us to be kind and good in every relation, to show piety at home, and to requite our parents. But we must not make these offices an excuse from our duty to God. If the nearest and dearest relation we have in the world stand in our way to keep us from Christ, it is necessary that we have a zeal that will make us forget father and mother, as Levi did, Deu. 33:9. This disciple was called to be a minister, and therefore must not entangle himself with the affairs of this world, 2 Tim. 2:4. And it is a rule that, whenever Christ calls to any duty, we must not consult with flesh and blood, Gal. 1:15, 16. No excuses must be admitted against a present obedience to the call of Christ.

III. Here is another that is willing to follow Christ, but he must have a little time to talk with his friends about it.
Observe,

1. His request for a dispensation, v. 61. He said, “Lord, I will follow thee; I design no other, I am determined to do it: but let me first go bid them farewell that are at home.’ This seemed reasonable; it was what Elisha desired when Elijah called him,Let me kiss my father and my mother; and it was allowed him: but the ministry of the gospel is preferable, and the service of it more urgent than that of the prophets; and therefore here it would not be allowed. Suffer me apotaxasthai tois eis ton oikon mou-Let me go and set in order my household affairs, and give direction concerning them; so some understand it. Now that which was amiss in this is,

(1.) That he looked upon his following Christ as a melancholy, troublesome, dangerous thing; it was to him as if he were going to die and therefore he must take leave of all his friends, never to see them again, or never with any comfort; whereas, in following Christ, he might be more a comfort and blessing to them than if he had continued with them.

(2.) That he seemed to have his worldly concerns more upon his heart than he ought to have, and than would consist with a close attendance to his duty as a follower of Christ. He seemed to hanker after his relations and family concerns, and he could not part easily and suitably from them, but they stuck to him. It may be he had bidden them farewell once, but Loth to depart bids oft farewell, and therefore he must bid them farewell once more, for they are at home at his house.

(3.) That he was willing to enter into a temptation from his purpose of following Christ. To go and bid them farewell that were at home at his house would be to expose himself to the strongest solicitations imaginable to alter his resolution; for they would all be against it, and would beg and pray that he would not leave them. Now it was presumption in him to thrust himself into such a temptation. Those that resolve to walk with their Maker, and follow their Redeemer, must resolve that they will not so much as parley with their tempter.

2. The rebuke which Christ gave him for this request (v. 62): “No man, having put his hand to the plough, and designing to make good work of his ploughing, will look back, or look behind him, for then he makes balks with his plough, and the ground he ploughs is not fit to be sown; so thou, if thou hast a design to follow me and to reap the advantages of those that do so, yet if thou lookest back to a worldly life again and hankerest after that, if thou lookest back as Lot’s wife did to Sodom, which seems to be alluded to here, thou art not fit for the kingdom of God.’

(1.) “Thou art not soil fit to receive the good seed of the kingdom of God if thou art thus ploughed by the halves, and not gone through with.’

(2.) “Thou art not a sower fit to scatter the good seed of the kingdom if thou canst hold the plough no better.’ Ploughing is in order to sowing. As those are not fit to be sown with divine comforts whose fallow ground is not first broken up, so those are not fit to be employed in sowing who know not how to break up the fallow ground, but, when they have laid their hand to the plough, upon every occasion look back and think of quitting it. Note, Those who begin with the work of God must resolve to go on with it, or they will make nothing of it. Looking back inclines to drawing back, and drawing back is to perdition. Those are not fit for heaven who, having set their faces heavenward, face about. But he, and he only, that endures to the end, shall be saved.

Lot’s wife experienced the effects of turning back!

Simply said:

Matthew 10:37-39
37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. 38 And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. 39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

In Revelation, The church at Ephesus is rebuked:

Revelation 2:1-7
“To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. 2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. 6 But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.

7 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

Such a promise! Repent and do the things you did at first.

Psalm 23 – thy rod and thy staff they comfort me!

Hebrews 12:10-13
10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.
13 “Make level paths for your feet,”[a] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Luke 9:23-27 talks about taking up our cross and following…

23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. 25 For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? 26 For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.

My first loves….

  • life time service to the Lord – full commitment – seen in my young Anglican mind as becoming a nun.
  • to whom I should serve – children and women – with the childhood thought of an orphanage, but, enacted by working with children’s homes, and crisis pregnancies, and training to come alongside abused women.
  • The Bible – I have always loved digging deeply into the Bible.
  • Writing – I write to remember, and I write to share. As a child, I wrote stories.
  • Art – as my dear school time best friend reminded me once – I was always drawing and painting.
  • Prayer – as in constant communication with the Lord Jesus Christ
  • Worship – singing praises to my God.
  • Mission field – serving those in country and out of country that are in need, in Jesus’ name.

I knew from early on that I was called, that I was gifted, that I was chosen.
I just could not believe it – nor did most of the adults that I confided in.
My spirit was broken from abuse from 12 months to 13 years.
My energy was broken for care of my mother.
My body was broken for the disobedience to the calling of God, removing his hand of blessing and protection(check out Deut 28 for that principle).
BUT – GOD!

I will be 57 years old in a little over a month.
I declare here and now –

Speak; for thy servant heareth.
Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”
And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”(Matthew 4:19)
“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

I want to say with Paul in the letter to the Philippians:

Phil 3:8-14
8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,
14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

In my own strength, it is impossible – (Matthew 19:26; Mark 10:27; Luke 1:37; Lk 18:27)

But I declare with Jeremiah(32:17):

‘Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.

Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

My God began a good work in me in 1969.
I have bungled it – but nothing is a surprise to Him.
Here I am – I’m not dead yet(though, I’ve been dead a couple of times).
My story is not finished yet.
This is what I hear Him saying:

Isaiah 55:
1 Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.

2 Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.

3 Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.

John 4 – to the Samaritan Woman:

10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” 11 The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” 13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.[b] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

And this is my desire:

John 7:37-38
37 On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. 38 Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”

Is 12:3

Matthew 5:6
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

As Brother John says in 1 John 1 and 2 – confessing our sins, HE is faithful to forgive us –
I want to stop buying things that do not satisfy!
I want to stop expecting others to fill what only God can fill!
I want to press on toward the mark of the prize of the HIGH CALLING of Christ Jesus – for all the rest of my days.
I want light, salt and living water to flow from me – to the glory of GOD!

Phil 4:13
13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Enjoy a touch of worship:
Mandisa – Unfinished:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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2017 – My One Word – #mydays – cleansing

Psalm 90:12
12 So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.

Honestly folks, I did not think that this was going to be part of my one word this year!
Cleansing?
BUT…..GOD!
This past weekend, I have spent a wonderful time with my classmates at a reunion.
Springfield South High School – combined reunion of classes 74-79.

my high school days were a little different than many.
Sophomore – 1975-1976 – Band, Choir, fun…except for the things going on at home.
I was enjoying music and the one semester of art so much – I wanted to go to the JVS school for art. the school counselors told me that I was ‘too smart’ to go to JVS – and to stay at the high school. I look back now, and realize, at that time, I knew I was to be an artist – but the powers that be(were) did not see that path for me.

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Junior – 1976-1977 – things got worse at home with my mother’s bi-polar, and her self medicating, and, I ‘dropped out’ of classes for a couple months to work at Burger Chef as much as possible to pay for the heat, electric, and make sure my brother Johnny had some sort of Christmas.

Senior – 1977-1978 – I didn’t even do band or choir. I tried to get all of my classes before Dec, but could not get government in first semester.


I started working for my Aunt to get a paycheck to support the family, in case my mom would lose another job at another nursing home.

I started running with a bit rougher crowd because the stress of what was going on at home was getting rough…I needed release, and I needed to feel like someone was accepting me.

When I say a rough crowd – I may have gone to a handful of parties and drank. I never did drugs, because of my mom’s issues with drugs. But, I was inching away from my Jesus Freak days of my sophomore year. I was worried that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish anything.
The second semester – I started working full time-ish for my Aunt Dodi, to pay for the family needs.
I was trying out different churches to see if I could find something that would fill my emotional needs.
I found ways that I thought were filling my emotional needs – and, those ways undid my desire to be a nun.
By the time the end of my senior year came around – I was so tired of taking care of my mother’s drug problem(self medicating bi-polar, manic depression back then), and I was so sure that there was something seriously wrong with me, I could not accept a scholarship to THE Ohio State University for art and music. I remember telling God that HE did not know what HE was doing – I was NOT good enough for an Art OR Music career.
I also was convinced that I needed to make sure I was taken care of, and that I had a steady paycheck to make sure that my mom and brother would be taken care of. If I went to college, it was only going to be money going out…not coming in.
I joined the Navy.

I almost skipped my graduation for leaving for bootcamp.
God intervened there. I did march in graduation with my class.


But, my photo is NOT in the senior class yearbook – because I was not attending school after 11am, and didn’t show up for the photos.

I disobeyed God in 1978, and joined the Navy.
I did not have enough faith that He would provide for our little family.
I don’t think I had the energy to actually go to school AND care for my family.
I also had so little confidence in myself that I got so sick, I never took the ACT or SAT – I would be totally nauseated – and didn’t attend the test.
I’d been so isolated from my school friends, I didn’t even know when anyone else was taking it!
The counselors that were supposed to guide me had implied, at least in my mind, that a technical art career was only for those troubled kids that could not make it through college, and needed to attend the Joint Vocational School. By the time I made it to deciding the course for my life(what a horrible pressure to put upon a 17 year old!), I was so mixed up in my head, I couldn’t even believe God knew what HE was doing!

CONFESSION FOR CLEANSING –

James 5:15-16
15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.
16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

1 John 1:7-10
7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

1 John 2:1-2
My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. 2 He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.

1 Peter 5:6-7
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

James 4:10
10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

What happened because I went into the Navy?
ON THE THIRD DAY – he didn’t raise me – because I was NOT in obedience, I was NOT listening to the voice of the Lord…

I was NOT trusting in the Lord – in my reverse pride, I was trusting in my own might:

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

I KNEW I was not following the path the Lord put before me – though I did ask him to bless it! (such pride!):

Psalm 37:5
Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

on the third day of boot camp – as I was running in our PT – thrilled that I was being able to run, and keeping up, and not out of breath, as I turned to my friend and said “I’m not even out of breath…”

Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction,
and a haughty spirit before a fall.

SMACK!
I blacked out!
first my tail bone hit…
the snap of my back whipped my mid back, then my neck….
then my head hit the pavement.
Those on the other side of this HUGE black top area HEARD my head hit the ground.
Within a week, I could not stand on my right leg – and I was being carried to and from classes and the galley for meals.

I spent one week, I think it was week four, in the recruit hospital, because I could not walk.
I had fallen!

2 Sam 1:27
“How the mighty have fallen! The weapons of war have perished!”

Strongs Concordance breaks “mighty” down very interestingly.

Within the above tool, there is a tool called Gesenius’ Hebrew-Chaldee Lexicon.
there is a slight twist on this definition within that Lexicon:
“commonly of an impetuous soldier”

I had been so busy taking care of my family (and I’m sure it was not nearly as competently done as my little 16 and 17 year old heart remembers) – that I was impetuous in my decision to join the Navy.
I thought it was MY job to take care of my mom and brother.
I made a decision at age 17 that laid the course of my life, forever.

I can go into how my thinking I wasn’t good enough in the face of God’s gift of college was actually thinking I could do better than God – that I knew better than God.
I can go into how my not placing my burdens on God was my actually being prideful – that I was more able than God.
I can go into the stories that brought me to this point….

But, the point here is that I DISOBEYED MY FATHER GOD!
it’s as simple as that.

1 John 2:3-6
3 And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments.
4 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:
6 whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.

There’s only one thing I can do!

James 4:7-10
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

Therefore – I am confessing before my brothers and sisters, the pride of a 17 year old…that laid a path for my life.

I have been in disobedience for a very long time.
I have not addressed the art gift that the Lord placed within me as a calling to be focused and applied. I have allowed the prideful aspect of a lack of confidence IN MYSELF(thank you brother Darryl Simmons, for again pointing that out!) to put my light under a bushel.
I have allowed my lack of confidence to quiet my story, in much the same way as Moses…and I am hearing God cry out from His word to me:

Exodus 4 specifically”
10 But Moses said to the Lord, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” 11 Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” 13 But he said, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.” 14 Then the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses

This weekend, I obtained some closure to the years of my highschool.
Like our highschool has been revived to produce new fruit, the Lord Jesus has touched my struggling heart to produce new fruit.
Like lost friendships have been rekindled, the lost first love of my faith has been rekindled.

Oh Lord Jesus – I thank you for not giving up on me!
Oh Dear Heavenly Father – I thank you for grace, mercy, forgiveness, and that rod and staff that you use to guide me, protect me, draw me to you, and comfort me!
Oh Dear Holy Spirit – fill me – and renew a right spirit within me!

Psalm 51:3-12
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

And when one is forgiven – there is a “show me” response:

Psalm 51:13-15
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

UhOh –
yes, there is teaching…but, there is some singing in there as well!

I have some marching orders:

1 Timothy 4:14
14 Do not neglect the spiritual gift within you, [that special endowment] which was intentionally bestowed on you [by the Holy Spirit] through prophetic utterance when the elders laid their hands on you [at your ordination].

I do not want to fall into the negative aspects of Matthew 25.
the ten virgins – 5 prepared, 5 not…and miss out.
The servants given the ‘talents’ – 5, 2, 1. and the one that only hid his talent:
“30 And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’”

I know that my salvation is sure – so please, do not worry about that.

John 10:28-30
28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all[a]; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. 30 I and the Father are one.”

But, this is my cleansing by confession post.
I just said I did not want to fall into the negative aspects of Matthew 25.

Jesus gave me a command:

Matthew 5:13-16
13 “You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet.
14 “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.
15 Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.
16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

For this reason was I created!

Ephesians 2:10
10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I do not want to see my Lord face to face – and hear him say:
depart from me, I never knew you….

Matthew 7:21-23
21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ 23 And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

I do work out my own salvation with fear and trembling now….

Philippians 2:12-13
12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,
13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

I know it is by grace that I am saved, and that not of myself…but that it is a gift from God!

Ephesians 2:8-9
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

The desire of my heart is to please my Heavenly Father….and to one day hear these words:

Matthew 25:23
23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. ….Enter into the joy of your master.’

Very few would accuse me of hiding my light under a bushel.
and that’s fine…they aren’t the ones that will invite me in past the white throne!
here is my confession:

Proverbs 16:2
All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,
but the Lord weighs the spirit.

The Apostle Paul thought he was doing God’s work by persecuting the Christians.
The Apostle Peter thought he was doing God’s work by rebuking Jesus for stating that he would be killed.
Martha thought she was doing the work of the Lord by taking care of the household!
Jacob wrestled with God – Genesis 32:22-32 – and while God gave me what I asked, I walk with a limp.

Psalm 106:15
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.

I have felt, always, that something was preventing me to be all that I wanted to be for Christ. Yes, it was my sin!

I can ‘defend’ and ‘explain’ my decisions in 1977-80.
But GOD knows my heart.
I disobeyed what I KNEW God wanted me to do.
And yet, HE knew that I was but dust – and HE never left me!
My salvation was not jeopardized – but, my relationship with My Lord has had a deep dark secret for many many years. Lord, have mercy upon me, a sinner! Forgive me and cleanse me! In Jesus’ name!

This quote explains my understanding of WHY I should obey…
“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

While I was in the Navy hospital – the Lord and I had a talk.
Again, I was bargaining.
“I will yield to your will for me to be removed from the Navy. I ask that you will make it so that they cannot find the reason I am paralyzed, and that you will allow me to finish bootcamp. ”
But God knows our hearts…HE knew mind…and HE was so gentle with me.
The swelling went down and I was released from the bedrest.
The doctors were going to put me back into another unit, but my CPO believed I would do the PT work – and I actually graduated with my unit!
I was chosen to paint the unit concrete block in the hallway – and it was a painting illustrating:

Isaiah 40:31
31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

This became my life verse.
as well as:

Ps 63:7
“Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your Wings.”

The story of what God did to have me removed from the Navy – WITH HONORABLE DISCHARGE – is another story.
And it’s part of the story I’m supposed to write…
It’s part of the light I have hidden under a bushel.
It’s part of the salt that I have not shared.
Because I did not continue in His word – there were many more stumbles.
I’m not dead yet!
But my soul needed cleansing – I needed the confrontation of that time, to realize that I needed to more completely confess my sins, and ask for forgiveness.

Now – I am facing the dilema that Isaiah did in chapter 6

Isaiah 6:5
5 Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.

I know that I am forgiven – as Isaiah was:

6 Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:
7 And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.

And, I want my response to be as Isaiah:

8 Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.

I want my heart to be that of Samuel:

10 And the Lord came and stood, calling as at other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” And Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant hears.”

This was the prayer I prayed as I knelt in the church wherein I grew up.
This was the prayer I prayed as I read those prayers from the Episcopal prayer book.
This was my commitment sealed as I took the bread and the cup, in remembrance of what Jesus has done for me.

Proverbs 9 gives us the Ways of Wisdom….
and these are some points for me to heed:

Proverb 9:
9 Give instruction[b] to a wise man, and he will be still wiser;
teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.
10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.
11 For by me your days will be multiplied,
and years will be added to your life

Prov 1:5
Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance,

Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Psalm 111:110

Job 28:28
And he said to man, ‘Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom, and to turn away from evil is understanding.’”

Hosea 6:3
Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth.”.

2 Peter 3:18
But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.

The above explains my marching orders!
I have been forgiven much – and, therefore, I love much!

Luke 7:36-50
Luke 12:41-48

Mark 12:30-31
30 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

I will not apologize that this is such a long post.
I will not apologize for the Word of God that is set forth in this blog.
I will not apologize for my faith in the Lord Jesus.
For I am not ashamed!

Romans 1:16
For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.

I AM NOT CONDEMNED!

Romans 8:1-6
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
3 For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

But, I do have work to do!

Philippians 3:13-14
13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Amen! and Amen!
I will be writing about committing my way to the Lord – as I work on the second installment of the Itty Bitty Bible Study Philippians 1:3-11.

For now, here’s a few photos of my shenanigans this weekend:

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Until then:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission.
The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2017 – My One Word – #mydays – wk8 day 3

I have started to read the book My One Word by Mike Ashcroft. (the link is added, but I do not have a partnership at this point).

Of course, this is still true:
Psalm 90:12 So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.

#mydays

This is my insight for today – seeking wisdom from the Lord, and from my daily writing via 750words
This is not a grammatically correct writing – this is from a free flowing thought writing during my meditation. Some captitalization issues are more for poetic/artistic impact than grammar. Some of the flow, and sentence structure is more poetic than accurate writing code. Please be gracious as I share my heart.

Today’s came out as raw poetically.

and now, I need to be strong and courageous, not tremble or be dismayed.
the Lord my God shall be with me wherever I go
I need to be doing the art blog as well as the bible blog and the words blog
i need to be doing my bible study, my prayer, my spiritual warfare
I need to be a loving and supportive wife
i need to be a praying mama
i need to be a praying sponsor of my compassion and my NHM childre
i need to be a praying friend
i need to be what God has called me to be
and I need to allow that calling to be real…and all that i need.
all i need is Jesus
all i need is to be more like him
all i need is to be filled with the holy spirit
all i need is to be more like him
if i am more like Jesus
then i will not be seen
because if i’m more like Jesus
his love is all they’ll see
my heart is hurt
my mind is dull
my body is broken and tired
but all i need is Jesus
all i need is to be more like him
all i need is to be filled with the holy spirit
all i need is to be more like him
all i need is to love and love
and all others will see is his love
i am not what others need to look at
i am not the prince of peace
i am not what others need to be like
i am not the creator of the universe
i am just a simple follower
i am just one saved by grace
i am just a simple child
that has turned my life to the father of lights
all i need is to be more like Jesus
all i need is to be more like him
all i need is to be filled with the holy spirit
all i need is to be more like him
when darkness comes and
i’m so afraid
when lightning strikes and
i can’t see thy face
all i need is to be more like Jesus
all i need is to be more like him
all i need is my own Gethsemane
all i need is to lay down my life
all i need is to be more like Jesus
all i need is to be more like him
all i need is to be filled with His spirit
all i need is to be yielded to his grace.
my body is torn and tired and weary
my mind is split and fuzzy and blamed
my heart is sore, and wounded and troubled
but i’m a child of God
and I’m saved by grace
all i need is to be like Jesus
all i need is to be more like Him
all i need is to be filled with His spirit
all i need is to seek his face
His face
His grace
His love
fill me lord
His love
his peace
his joy
fill me lord
fill me lord

be near me lord Jesus i ask thee to stay
close by me forever and love me i pray
keep all your dear children in thy tender care
and take us to heaven to live with thee there.

all i need is to be more like Jesus
all i need is to be more like him
all i need is to be filled with his spirit
all i need is to seek his face
all i need is to lay down my life
all i need is to embrace his grace
all i need is to be more like Jesus
all i need is to be more like him.
all i need is to love like Jesus
so those that see me will see his face.
in Jesus’ name
amen

this is copyrighted by M. Christine Wildman, as of this publishing – 22 Feb 2017, all rights reserved.

My 750words entry for today.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission.
The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2017 My One Word – #mydays – wk5day3

Psalm 90:12

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

This is today’s 750words. It’s about #mydays.

Warning – it is NOT a theological discussion! It does contain potential triggering information.

It is my heart cry to understand.

deep breath
i wish that i had a whole lot more experience with good doctors.
doctors that cared about their patients, and cared about the outcome and that were more concerned about their healthy recovery than their money.
why would someone go into medicine and not be concerned about their patients?
really, do so many go in just to have a profitable career?
Lord you brought S and M into our lives at a very difficult time, and for them, the time has gotten very difficult.
it’s negligence and a man’s life is in danger.
this make me furious.

thank you, lord for the senior tech that did my eyes yesterday.
thank you, lord that she and i were able to come up with a possible cause. sugar!
ok, another reason for me to stop sugar! sigh.
i’m supposed to be taking care of this temple.
and I eat sugar when i am frustrated, angry, sad, glad, afraid!
i eat sugar to comfort and to celebrate.
why?
my emotions are not allowed!
it’s more acceptable for someone to eat their emotions than to show their emotions.
it feels better to scream that i am angry about a doctor not caring for my friend well.
but, with a quiet man as my husband – and it’s not his fault – i tend to try to be more quiet for him. he’d laugh at that! but lord, you know it’s true.
it’s more acceptable to go to a party and sit and eat cake and drink alcohol than it is to jump up and down and hug and high five…unless of course you are watching a football game and at a football party/bar.
i’m really a very demonstrative person – at least I used to be.
as a child – i loved to do things and give things and make things for people, and i remember the time i was surprised with my first bike for my birthday. i ran and jumped up on my dad to give him a hug, i probably screamed! I was so happy.
i wonder what happened.

i don’t have to wonder too hard – sex happened.
if i made him mad – sex
if i made him happy – sex
if he gave me something – sex
it was always sex
and then i would hurt
of course, a child would hurt from the sex of an adult –
13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2
EIGHTEEN MONTHS
sex done to a child would hurt –
it’s why the ob/gyns in the navy saw such damage to my vagina and cervix –
it’s why they said i could never have children
my insides were such a mess the stoic navy guy doc gasped when doing the exam.
“it’s a mess in here! What happened?” actually – wth happened here?
He actually jumped.
I didn’t know – so I asked “what are you talking about.”
he quickly composed himself – “oh, just some scarring.”
12 years later the memories returned.
but it took years for me to put the pieces together, the things that happened in the present(at that time) while i did not remember, and put them together with the memories.
timelines – i want timelines!
but my memories are fading…i only have my journals.
and, the book. I’m supposed to write this book about my past, how i got to my present and my goals for my future.
and, i wonder if that doctor had told me what he’d seen, would i have started to remember? of course, they were not allowed to ‘lead’ a victim…they were not allowed to plant ideas into the head of a victim.
so I went along through life, wondering what was wrong with me…not knowing that it was something done to me.
what about doctors?
what about the family doctor that cared for me…shouldn’t he have known?
except there was nothing they could do back then, unless the child said something.
thank GOD that my mom apparently found out when I was 12 – sent me away to Florida, and separated from, then divorced my dad.
family called me the whore, the hussy, the tramp, slut – but i had no idea what had happened to me.
such horrors cause the brain to break into little pieces. thing were locked away.

but that trip to Florida set me up to meet Jerry the evangelist – and find out how to be a christian – to find out how to read the bible(didn’t know that was part of being a christian) – found out that I love love love the bible.
The memories almost ruined our marriage.
The memories still haunt our marriage.
The memories still hinder our marriage.
the memories, well, the act, has left scars in my body, my mind, my heart – and even in my spirit and whether i can trust my father God.
But I have learned grace.
I have learned forgiveness.
I’m still learning grace and forgiveness – daily.
but, mostly, it’s learning to give myself grace and mercy, extend forgiveness to myself – and then, to allow God to fill me with His Spirit – and to believe what I’ve written – that I have been chosen since before the foundation of the world.
I am loved by the creator of the universe!
I have worth, because THE GOD says so!
And who am I to argue with God?
I love you Lord Jesus – I ask you to stay
close by me forever and love me I pray
keep all your dear children in your tender care
and take us to heaven to live with thee there.
Amen!

No wonder I’ve struggled with suicide and depression all of my life.
No wonder I am an advocate for mental health awareness and rights.
No wonder I feel for those that cannot speak for themselves, that do not understand what is going on, that are bullied, abused, baited and attacked.
My past experiences have made me who I am.
My faith in Jesus Christ has kept me alive.
My heart is filled with emotion, and I feel so much.
I pray that I am a light, a source of grace and love to everyone.
In Jesus’ name.

I need to write this book – That is what today’s 750words has opened up for me.
I am able to write about this, without falling apart for weeks, or ending up in the hospital.
I am able to be ridiculed and called names without falling apart.
I have grown – and for that I thank Jehovah – Yhwh – G_d – through Jesus Christ, and by His Holy Spirit.
If it’s not clear which God I serve…it’s because someone isn’t listening!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission.
The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!

Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2016 end of year thoughts

I am thankful to the Lord Jesus Christ for bringing me through this year.


The beginning of the year was not as bad as the beginning of 2015.

I spent from the end of March to the beginning of June in Youngstown, Ohio, to help our daughter with the birth of her third son.

 

I stayed in an apartment – and that enabled me to watch the other two boys.

with the help of my co-gramma, Kate Gibson, I planned and executed two parties – a Baby Shower, and a third birthday!
My BFF Susan Stephens came to help with the Shower:

Theodore Montgomery Gibson was born April 6, three days after the shower!

Oliver’s third Birthday was a success – with many cousins from around Ohio!

 

 

Sad part – my cat Purrl got outside on a wet, rainy day, and was killed.

Much of the time in Ohio was spent with the Gibson family, enjoying the boys, and of course, our daughter.
I missed the birthday party for Aubrey Jo, because i was sick. I did get to buy some dance outfits for her! And she did come to Oliver’s birthday, as did Brayden and Wyatt!

ADD FAMILY PHOTO

Sad Part – just as everyone was coming for Mother’s day, Gabriel started having ear issues, and was having difficulty standing up. We took him to a veternary ER. Within days, he could no longer hear – which seemed to be from the medicine.

Mother’s day – almost the whole family was together. Rachel flew in, Stephen came up with his son, Brayden, and we had a great time. It’s been a long time since i’ve had this much of a wonderful Mother’s day!

sad part – Meranda’s grandmother was on the last leg of her trip into eternity, therefore Meranda and Aubrey and Wyatt spent her last mother’s day with her. a week later, gramma was gone.

Gabriel was having difficuties understanding commands – which meant that he was in a questionable position as my service dog.

We came home, and Jim had planned a west coast trip in connection with RedHat Summit in San Francisco. We did a lighthouse tour from San Fran up to Seattle.
We could not take Gabriel – and we found an amazing lady to board him!
The really awesome gift was getting to see our daughter Anna in San Francisco!

  • In August, we found out that Jim’s PSA was rising rediculously fast – the cancer was back.
  • In September, we talked to the surgeon. And, I realized that Gabriel needed to be retired, and that I needed to travel with Jim to aide in the stress reduction of his travel. Therefore, I gave Gabriel up.
  • In October, we had a biopsy done. Gleason score of 7
  • In November, we were on a waiting list for the set up to repeat the HIFU procedure.Set up just before Thanksgiving.
  • In December, we had several procedures to handle Jim’s situation.
  • The end of the year – we traveled to Seattle to spend Christmas time with our daughter, Anna, and to relax for the end of the year.

My word for this year was Prepare – and I wrote several blogs about that word.
Moving to Ohio for three months really brought home the need for preparation.
Hearing that the cancer was back, and more aggressive – that really screamed the need to be prepared for anything.

i have been leaning on Psalm 23 these last few months. Things have been happening so fast, that I have not finished my devotions on Psalm 23!

That and the focus upon the trials of the original Christmas story. I have added painting to my trips with Jim in order to reduce my stress.

I sewed little bags for the ornaments – breaking out my sewing machine for the first time in years! actually, since the movers lost mine when they brought us down from Ohio to Texas in 2010!

Money has been tight, because the medical procedure is NOT covered by insurance, and we are still paying off the loan for the last procedure (Feb 2015). God has shown himself our shepherd – we shall not want! Jim’s job provided enough travel that most of our visit to Anna for Christmas is paid for by points! And, the things that we do here have been gifts from Anna! It’s been amazing to just rest, and let Anna take control! She has such good taste!

I have no idea what 2017 has in store.
A new president – which may enter in the events to allow Jesus Christ to return, and usher in the new Kingdom! If not – we still know that this world is not our home, we are just passing through.

Because of all the uncertainty, my focus for next year, that I don’t seem to get away from, is to number my days.

Psalm 90:12
Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

I know I am supposed to finish the devotions on Psalm 23, I know I’m supposed to start up the Itty Bitty Bible Study again, and I know that I’m supposed to be painting.

I will be by Jim’s side as he fights this enemy.

I will try to live my life with Matthew 5, 6, & 7; 1 corinthians 13, and Galatians 5 as my examples.
I will try to remember to put on my armor – Ephesians 6, and to trust that the battle is the Lords – Psalm 91.

More than anything, this year, I want to live in the grace and mercy of the Father – so that the negative self doubt and self talk no longer keep me a spiritual invalid. I want to embody:
Philippians 4:13
13 I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me

~~~~~

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2016 Word of the Year – Prepare? – yeah, right!

This contains many photos of our trip for surgery.

In January, the Lord gave me this word to meditate upon this year.
Prepare

In 2014, we weren’t prepared to deal with cancer.
We chose a procedure that had a 98% cure rate…as in, no recurrence. It is called HIFU.
At that time, it was not approved in the United States.
In 2015, February, we made out of pocket, traveled to Cancun, Mexico, to receive this state of the art procedure to treat Prostate cancer.
January 2016, the PSA let us know that we were not in the 98%.
So, we started to research options.
From January, to August, the PSA rose from 1.7 to 5.6. In the last few months, it doubled. It was time to do something, but, what?

By now, the procedure had been FDA approved, but not insurance covered. So, still out of pocket. In the meantime, I started doing intense research on the prostate, and what nutritional options would strengthen Jim’s body to fight off this enemy.
~~~~~~~~~

James 1:14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
15 And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.
16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

~~~~~~~~~
In September, We went to see the doctor and obtain biopsies in order to make sure that we have all the options for any future need for cancer treatments.
We were told that November 29th was the date that was open. We were waiting for confirmation, and working to handle our money in order to pay for this procedure.

In addition to choosing to repeat the HIFU, we wanted to get a second opinion for the cancer treatment – and we went through the process of setting up a visit to Cancer Treatment Centers of America, their prostate division based in Atlanta.

We were scheduled for August 17-21. We would be flown in, and see the medical team Thursday, Friday, then stay over the weekend, and get the final recommendations on Monday. We were working with the travel team, the medical information team and everyone at that center.

One week before our trip, we spoke with the Nurse Navigator. We discussed the HIFU done in February 2015, and let her know that we were planning on doing a repeat to eradicate the remission.
She took our information to the medical director who then said that we were not a good fit for their program.
Why?
Jim had not jumped up on a surgery table when his PSA was at 5 when he was 50.
Jim had undergone HIFU without biopsies, based upon Dr. Wheeler’s explanation of Prostate Cancer development, and because of the incidence of track back metastisis at the site of biopsies.
We based it upon a specialized MRI system that indicated the dubious nature of the mass – even though it was in a very difficult place to be found by biopsies.
We did not follow the CTCA procedure. Of course not, we weren’t their patient! So, they denied us the opportunity to ask questions about traditional treatments, to talk with naturopath and nutritionist about how to combat the side effects, and to strengthen Jim’s body to fight cancer.

This was like a punch in the stomach. We didn’t know what the Lord was up to, but at least we knew that we were not going to go to Atlanta.
Then, fires around Atlanta. The city was dealing with the smoke just as we were going to be there. That seemed like a good enough reason for God to change that plan. I don’t do well in smoke filled areas.

Every good gift comes from the Father of Lights…

We went ahead and sent part of the downpayment for Jim’s treatment at the end of November, and we were working on obtaining other funding. I even was a bit rough on Doc about the date…when??? November 29th, but many things need to be orchestrated – please be patient. That was the conversation on Wednesday, November 16.

Friday, November 18, before noon, we got the call that the place had been set up, and we were scheduled for Sunday, November 20. At 9am. WHAT?!?! So, we cleared out schedules, and left for St. Augustine on Friday evening. I had just unpacked my suitcase from my plans to be in Boston. Now, I just had to put those clothes back into the suitcase! I threw most of next weeks groceries I’d just purchased into the freezer!

If we had gone to Atlanta as planned, for the CTCA consult, we would not have been available for this opening! We would have been sitting around Atlanta watching the forest burn, instead of burning out the cancer.

We arrived into the hotel in St. Augustine Beach around 8. We ate at Wendy’s because it was so late.

 

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Saturday, November 19, I woke up barely able to keep back tears. I did not have any peace about the procedure, but Jim was freaking out enough that I needed to stay calm.
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We had breakfast at a local eatery, and Jim started on his clear liquid diet.

 

We did have to find some clear liquid options – which ended up being cartons of bone broth and green jello.

Mostly, Jim drank water. water. water.

First, we explored Palatka.

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This is where the specialists have their out patient clinic, and more importantly,
the Ablatherm HIFU machine.

 

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

We traveled around St Augustine, took photos, and just basically spent time enjoying each other.

Fort Matanzas,

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Crescent Beach – just across the road.

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We had not been in the hotel very long when we got the call that the anesthesiologist had been called back home, and that the procedure was canceled for Sunday. “Go ahead and eat some supper, breakfast tomorrow, then clear liquids again after 10, and nothing by mouth after midnight. You are scheduled for noon on Monday.”
I guess God wanted a different anesthesiologist for the procedure.

Exodus 31 – God set apart specific ones for specific giftings

We went to Applebees, because of the burgers.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified

 

It was so beautiful out, that we took a walk along this St Augustine Beach community.(Christmas lights at the beach)

street view

street view

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dock

dock

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We walked out on the dark, and looked at the stars!

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Then we finished our Christmas Lights walk!
 

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We returned to the frog place for breakfast. Jim really enjoyed their omelet.

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Then, we  spent Sunday driving around, enjoying the sights, and each other.

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Monday morning, enemas, and take off for Palatka, Florida.
I was very nervous, very sensitive – and I felt like I was going to fall into a crying fit at any minute. But I needed to be strong for Jim.
As we were waiting, with Jim in the spiffy paper gown,

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we overheard the conversation between the engineer and the doctor about the machine. A cable was not working correctly on the machine. The one that connected the ultrasound to the HIFU machine was dead. It had been working just fine on Saturday. It’s canceled for mechanical reasons.

What? Ok.
“Better before than during” – Jim said, after he took a moment.

“the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”Philippians 4:7.

Nerves?
Yes.
Disappointed?
Completely.
Confused?
You bet.

Jim’s comment:

It’s really futile to complain that something is not going right when you are listening to “The Sovereignty of God” by AW Pink

How’s this for preparation – I had brought my medicines for up to one extra day, through Tuesday. I will run out Tuesday evening, and Wednesday morning. Oops. I know I heard a voice in my head telling me to fill in the whole medicine container! I didn’t listen. “I’ll be home – there’s no way that we would be here past Tuesday!” Yeah, Right! Another lesson to LISTEN!

We took another drive.

So, today(I wrote this while waiting for him during the surgery), Tuesday, enemas again. Jim should be very cleaned out by now!

At 9am, we arrived at the clinic again.
The office nurse is not here.
The office doctor came in, then left, and did not unlock the medicine cabinet.
Whew. I’m not telling Jim what I’ve overheard this time.
Jim’s snapping – and who can blame him? He’s not angry, he’s just very guarded. He’s so tired. Very hungry. Tired of drinking bone broth and eating jello!
More nervous than he was any of the previous days. And again, who can blame him?
Jim went out for a walk, and I was not sure if he would come back in.

I found the gown for him this time.
I found the chux to put under him on the chair.
I’ve sat watching the doc, the technician, the anesthesiolgist looking through the cabinets and such in this office. I have heard the doctor say that he didn’t have the catheters that he is used to using.
And then, I was asked to go sit in the waiting room. Of course, that is probably better for me anyway, because I could hear almost everything that they were saying. Now, they could have closed additional doors, but, I was struggling between being able to know what was going on, and being somewhere peaceful!

Prepare for this? HOW?
Be wrapped in the word of God.
Jim played some scripture music as we were on our way here.
I’m focusing on the scriptures while I’m waiting.

Storms?
This feels like a hurricane that just keeps swirling around and coming back and hitting again.
And each time, I feel weaker – and yet, maybe this feeling of being resigned to the Lord’s hand, is exactly where I need to be.
Waiting in the palm of God’s hand.

I met the couple that are going after Jim. Mike and Sandy Norris.
A very sweet couple.
We discussed how we all got here.
We discussed how we believed that God’s hand was in these delays.
I’m so grateful for Christians to sit with.

Post Procedure

  • He had much difficulty with the intubation – almost called off the procedure.
    If not for the new anesthesiologist – this would have been canceled.
  • Jim was difficult to wake up – if not for this very skilled anesthesiologist, we may have ended up at the hospital across the street.
  • Jim could not have the same type of catheter…the had to have one through his abdomen.
    If not for the experienced Doctor, this could have been a serious complication.
  • Considering the stress of all the delays, Jim’s blood pressure remained safe.
    His oxygen even remained 98 and above!

Jim has some wins as well.

Jim was not happy with the placement of the catheter, but, when one is under anesthesia, one cannot understand all the things the doctor explains.

The upside is that the doctor said that he was able to do everything that he wanted to do and that the tissue responded so well, just melting instantly, that he didn’t even go around to do some other areas that were ‘just in case’.
Now, it’s a different type of recovery than the first time. But recover, we shall!

I’m trying to finish this the following week.
To be honest, we are still struggling, which is why this blog is a week late.

The doctor that was supposed to follow up with Jim, and in fact, talked to him on Wednesday, giving him great calming advice, decided on Monday that Jim was not a candidate for his practice.
WHAT? We were just IN his clinic! He’d been talking to us, and gave Jim his cell phone number! And talked to him on said cell phone!

Disappointed?
Yeah!
Confused?
Completely.
Jim was completely frustrated, potentially angry, but I was not with him, because my leg had given out.

Same day – I found out that my pain doctor may not take me back because I’d rescheduled 2 appointments over the last year, and cancelled one. Not one no show…but, still, I was told that she could not schedule me until he looked over my chart and decided he still wanted me for a patient. WHAT? now it’s wrong to reschedule or cancel appointments?

Angry?
you bet.
And I fell apart.
I was trying very hard not to cry as I went in to see my doctor, and ask for pain meds!

I did get in to see my PCP, and she gave me a new medicine for the pain in my hip. One that will not have the side effects that the previous one had. Surprise? IT WORKS BETTER THAN THE OTHER ONE WITH A PAIN PILL! No pain pills! No pain! And sleep, precious sleep.

How do you prepare for surprises?
You put your faith in the Lord, and you dwell on His word, and you join together, and remind each other that we are a team, Jim, me and God.

Isaiah 54:17
No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their righteousness is from Me,”
Says the Lord.

I found this devotional on Isaiah 54:17 by James MacDonald
It reminds me of everything that I believe about God walking with us through storms.

no-weapon-formed-resized
And another devotional about preparing for warfare came with this graphic above. From ChristiansTT, it teaches about warfare in prayer.

The point is, just because we don’t know the answer – our faith tells us that we know the ONE that holds the ANSWER in His hand.
If we did not believe this – we would not be where we are today.
We would both be locked up in a hospital for not being able to think straight!

  • Our lives are not perfect, but we live in the One Who is.
  • they are riddled with sin, but woven with mercy.
  • they are encumbered with guilt, but awash with grace.
  • they are surrounded with storms, but enveloped with his words “Peace, be still”.
  • HE holds us together…without the Love of God through Jesus Christ – we would not be able to handle the storms.

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom,
and the Power
and the Glory,
Forever.
Amen.

We celebrated Thanksgiving by giving thanks that the Lord is in His house, and in our hearts.
We celebrate Advent, by remembering that many before us have waited to see God’s hand move on their behalf.
We will celebrate Christmas, by thanking the Creator of the Universe for choosing to give of Himself to win us back to Him.
My studies in Prepare this year have been very appropriate.
My studies in Psalm 23 have been very personal.
My heart is that you will be blessed by something in my life stories.

Thank you for sharing them with me.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Not a spoonful of sugar, just a dash of color!

One of the things that I did while I was in a residential program was to teach an expressive art class.

Here are some of the examples I used:\

simple painting class

simple painting class


Shhhhh, I’m not sure they were supposed to allow a client/patient to do one of the activities – but, I wanted to, and my life is changed by it!

Here is what I did with the leftover canvases:

painting class

painting class leftovers

Here is everything I did, as my own quiet time activity while at the residential program (minus 2 that I gave away as gifts):

painting meditations

painting meditations

I also did a pen and ink of an orchid type flower while sitting in the front lobby – (I hope I can get the person I gave that one to to send me a copy of it).

And, the other day, while at the conference – I was sitting in the dark quiet room, and my artist was drawing a covered bridge…she gave it away, but the friend says it was absolutely gorgeous. I may get her to scan that one as well.

The point of this?

Ever since the first painting that someone asked me to do for them so that they could look at it and just take a break, I have wanted my paintings to be a source of peace and joy.

(find the photo of Susan with her painting)\

When I painted this painting – my friend Mitzi kept saying she could walk into that back area and just sit down with a book. That back area is now called Mitzi’s garden!

6_Almost_done

Being able to find a place to go to meditate on the things of God to fill your heart with joy is not easy.

But what if you could paint your own hiding place – where you could imagine yourself sitting down and listening to your music, your Bible, your God speak to you?

Maybe I can create a program just like this and bring it around to various churches and organizations that help wounded women…what do you think?

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

January 2015 – Where did you go?

For all that have chosen to befriend me, and watch me for various reasons(of which we will not ask here), January was very obviously missing from my internet charades or escapades. I have many things to write about – and this year, 2015, I will be writing, and painting, and I hope that I will be speaking – but that will come.

Oh what a difference a month makes! And, what a prophetic post about Simplify!

I learned a lot last month, but had no consistent ability to write this blog. I spent January at a residential program for behavioral health – mental illness.

And, the draft – on Dec 21 that says ‘The End’…

The point is that on Dec 21, I wrote the draft that I am going to post right now – and on Dec 25th, I did attempt to take my life. It would appear that Dec 21, I was writing a suicide letter – despairing of my ever being able to be good enough to live.

The End
This post is password protected with TheEnd – so that only those that are reading THIS post will know how to get to the other.

I have an illness, a mental illness with several other issues surrounding it that cause me to have things happen that I am not aware of.

Jim’s comment to a friend was that I told him I didn’t remember taking the pills – and, I don’t. Until I talked to that friend, I didn’t know that I didn’t remember it at THAT time…that it wasn’t an amnesia occurring from the overdose.

Of course I am ultimately responsible, in a way that someone with cancer would not be – but, DID/MPD is very complicated, and I am not always myself. Major depressive disorder can spiral because of chemistry in the body – and then trigger the DID/MPD. AND – PTSD, from the abuse that caused the DID/MPD can trigger all of it – and that’s if no one human decides to be part of my life!

I have hope for the future – and even a hope that there will be a future as long as the Lord allows it. I don’t know what the people in my life will do with me, I know what my 2 bffs will say – and I know that my God is all about forgiveness – and as one bff says – GRACE.

Pray for Jim – he is exhausted from taking care of me.
Pray for my family – they don’t know what to think of me.
Pray for my friends – they don’t know what to do with me.
Pray for me – that we will learn enough about this disorder, and my additional mental illnesses, while I am in remission and can change behaviors and be prepared the next time this disease tried to take my life.

BTW – to be a bit sacreligious – God is a multiple! Father, Son, Holy Spirit all in One! if no one else gets me – HE DOES!!!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Simplify

This was my post on Facebook on October 31.

simplify simplify simplify….which may mean I thin out my fb list of friends!
I only have 325 – so, hmmm – but next year is going to be MUCH simpler – and I am focusing on what My Lord and Savior wants me to do….for me…as for me and Him…and me…and Him…and Jim Wildman, too – but, I need to get back to the one on one faith that has brought me through so much…so, as I simplify my life – I am planning next year to do an experiment – 365 days of Biblical Womanhood and Faith( combining the experiences of two books I will add here).
Focus on the gifts God has given me – writing and painting.
And focus on the responsibilities that God has given me – wife and mother and friend.
That should be simple enough.
I don’t know what travels will be in my path, or trials, or triumphs!
But, I want my friends to know that if I thin things out, don’t post on your page, disappear for long periods of time – it’s not because of a lack of love for YOU, it’s because I am growing my love for myself, My God, and my husband. If anyone does not understand this – please unfriend me now – it will save me time l later! see – simplify!
Also, if you do not like me posting scriptures and Christian based faith things on my page, go ahead and unfriend me – It’s my page, but, you have the choice to not look at it.
So – this is my fair warning – I’m putting things into place for finishing up 2014, and starting 2015.
There are many holidays for many folks that are occurring from today, until Jan 1 – I hope that everyone that I love enjoys some time together with the ones they love!

I am working on simplifying my life – to focus on only those things that are important.

In the book A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans – she talks about a prayer life, a bible reading life, and then, she discusses Mary and Martha – the quintessential dichotomy of being a Biblical woman in the home, and being at the feet of Jesus.

THIS HAS BEEN THE BASIS FOR MY STRUGGLES BETWEEN MY CALLING AND MY RESPONSIBILITIES!

When we were first married – and I had no urgent responsibilities, and only the fresh memory of being single – and desiring to read the Bible, I read the Bible for hours.
We chose NOT to have a TV, because of the distraction it would cause Jim in his studies, but that ended up allowing me to have the freedom to study the Bible.

My first love – when I first understood my salvation I thirsted, and hungered for the Bible. I read the Bible to understand this man that had given his life for me, and how to be more like him. I read the bible to understand the roots of the religion I was now embracing. I read the bible like some eat bread and drink wine. It was my sustenance.

My first love in our marriage was to please Jim in all ways – cleaning, cooking, sewing, decorating, and pleasing him by meeting him at the door with a smile and a kind word when he returned home.

In Revelation 2:4 Jesus says to the church:
Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

This is after he praises them for their good deeds.
His counsel is this, in Rev 2:5

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

I need to repent so that I can simplify.
I need to return to my first loves.
I hope that it is not too late!

update Nov 5, 2014
Of course it’s not too late – I am not dead, I have not been raptured, Christ has not returned, and I have not faced the white throne of judgement. By grabbing onto the horns of the mercy seat, and crying out for mercy, and grace – I can change my life to glorify God. It’s not too late as long as I have breath!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
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Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

The end of the year starts now!

Out of surgery

Out of surgery

Cleaned up and going home!

Cleaned up and going home!

One week out - They say it looks good!

One week out – They say it looks good!

Maybe having your throat sliced open in order to replace a damaged disc with a state of the art artificial disc caused me to have early end of year reflections…but, for whatever reason – I am.

The upside is that I have the ability to plan out next year, before Dec 26 – Jan 1! This could be a great new pattern!

I’ve been having Deep thoughts – based on the book “The Happiness of Pursuit” by Chris Guillebeau

What really makes me tick? Not ticked! or ticked that I can’t tick! 😉

Last night, I watched a movie/tv series from BBC called “The Bletchley Circle”. It’s kind of gruesome for that genre time, but not for murder mysteries for 2012 and on.

Anyway – they were cracking a murder code by looking at patterns – and one of the characters said

” when you are given corrupted code, you backtrack to the known pure code”.

This goes hand in hand with this summary of Chris’ book –

Everywhere that Chris visited he found ordinary people working toward extraordinary goals, making daily down payments on their dream. These “questers” included a suburban mom pursuing a wildly ambitious culinary project, a DJ producing the world’s largest symphony, a young widower completing the tasks his wife would never accomplish, and a teenager crossing an entire ocean alone – as well as a do-it-yourselfer tackling M.I.T.’s computer-science course, a nerd turning himself into real-life James Bond, and scores of others writing themselves into the record books.

The more Chris spoke with these strivers, the more he began to appreciate the direct link between questing and long-term happiness — how going after something in a methodical way enriches our lives — and he was compelled to complete a comprehensive study of the phenomenon and extract the best advice. In The Happiness of Pursuit he draws on interviews with hundreds of questers, revealing their secret motivations, their selection criteria, the role played by friends and family, their tricks for solving logistics, and the importance of documentation.

Equally fascinating is Chris’ examination of questing’s other side, including questers’ acute awareness of mortality, their struggle against monotony, and their wistful feelings once a quest has succeeded. What happens after the summit is climbed, the painting hung, the endurance record broken, the “at risk” community saved?

A book that challenges each of us to take control – to make our lives be about something while at the same time remaining clear-eyed about the commitment — The Happiness of Pursuit will inspire readers of every age and aspiration. It’s a playbook for making your life count.

I have always wanted my life to count…but at 51 – I started wondering what counted!
I have begun to realize that from all the messages given to me from social media, tv, movies, others(friends, family, strangers), philosophy, theology….I have had my code corrupted.

I need to go back to when the code was the most pure – and start again.

This is NOT going backwards, but rather – finding my true path – the true essence of me – who I am, what I believe, how I like to dress, what I am here for in this world.

In a sermon that WildRoss shared with me on a podcast –

the question in Genesis Chapter 3 – God asking “where are you?”
It’s not God hiding from us so that we have to seek – He KNOWS right where we are – He’s right there with me, when I’m hiding behind a tree – and He’s waiting for me to realize – I’M HIDING FROM HIM! and my relationship with HIM is more important than any relationship in my life.

That is where the code was purest…though there was plenty of corrupted messages back then – but life had enabled me to unravel some of those corrupted messages – and now – I need to go back to the beginning with new eyes, and reprocess.

There are scripture verses, quotes from THOP, another book I’m reading, about a woman that walked the AT at a very old age – Gramma someone – of course, Gramma Moses painting late in life…and some very old writers.

I’m no longer 51 – three more years have funneled through the hour glass – and I want to be about my Father’s business – whereever and whatever that may be.

Another thing I am looking at is three books about living Biblically for a year.

A year of living Biblically – by AJ Jacobs – I think this one is from the Jewish perspective
A year of Biblical Womanhood – by Rachel Held Evans – a woman’s perspective
A year of living Like Jesus – by Edward G Dobson – obviously the Christian Perspective

As well as finishing the book – The World is my Cloister – by John Michael Talbet

  • Faith
  • Art
  • Family
  • Adventures

I have also been challenged by posts from a man named Steve Kamb – like this one: Does it Really Matter?

I guess that is the next challenge in my life…how to focus my life on these things – and drop those that don’t fit.

This morning, I just read this blog by Steve Kamb – About an Epic Quest. Life is a Game.

I want to make a difference?
Epic Quest time –
My epic quest is to be completely victorious over childhood sexual abuse, genetic chronic depression, and self destructive patterns.
This will not end until my life is over – so, it doesn’t have a date attached to it per Life Is a Game.

But, I have accomplished several things:

  • No longer under the power of the abuser.
  • No longer under the power of self blame and shame.
  • No longer under the power of self hatred.
  • No longer under the power of worthless burden mentality.
  • No longer under the power of other’s placing blame on me for their own choices.

 

  • one of three major damages to my body from a fall in the Navy is taken care of – artificial cervical disc!
  • Damaged tendons in my feet and ankles have been repaired or rehabbed.
  • I am no longer limited to a wheelchair! or a walker! or a cane.
  • My bloodwork and vitals are constantly improving – and my liver is finally allowing me to take off weight!

 

  • I completed one practice sprint triathlon – with the help of a physical therapist, helping to train me during my rehab!
  • I have had my book outline reviewed by a main company editor – with promising reviews – and told to write it out longer.
  • I have had my art seen by galleries – with promising reviews.

I have been able to reach broken children and families and women through various avenues.

BUT – what is my passion, what is my quest?

  • To combine my art, my writings and my experiences to help broken women and children to reach their highest potential.

What does that look like?

  • My blog
  • An Art site
  • My book
  • speaking
  • and getting my hands dirty to work with those that the world has forgotten – under the bridges, behind the buildings, in the dumps, in the stores, in the schools, in the churches…where ever I can reach out a hand – and offer help.

I was given the title of a wounded healer – and it’s time that I get about walking into that calling.

I was told by someone that in RPG games – you always protect your healers.
In the RPG group on NerdFitness, I have set myself up as a healer.
In Real Life – I never really thought that anyone felt that my healing ‘powers’ were of much worth – they didn’t bring in money, they didn’t put food on the table, they didn’t cloth anyone – and instead, they often COST something.

Therefore – a side quest is to find a way that I can be this wounded healer, and provide for this ‘ministry’.

  • My books?
  • My paintings?
  • speaking?

Another side quest is to find out how to utilize tools.

  • Learn WordPress – and social media in order to gain some visibility to my writing that adds up to my book and studies.
  • Learn FASO
  • Learn e-publishing
  • FineTune my skills – art courses, writing courses, abuse counseling type courses. and Bible counseling courses.

And, an all encompassing side quest is to continue to build strength, physically, mentally and emotionally.
These will have their own pathways.

My goals for the rest of the year (hence, this next challenge) is to set up for the following year with a master Epic Quest Goal – and sub goals.

At this time, I don’t know what this will look like – but I have to start walking my path, my quest – to my end goal of being all that I can be(though, that is the Army, not the Navy).

Now, I need to put these two trains of thoughts together –
what is my purpose (Faith, Art, Family, Adventures) and what quest does that line up with?

So, that’s my focus for the rest of the year – though there will be adventures, and family thrown in – starting tomorrow – by flying to Ohio, to see family.


Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!