My One Word 2019 – Guard your Heart ~ PR 4:23 ~ 2/6/2019

Proverbs 4:23 English Standard Version (ESV)
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.

Wow, January, Now February.
What has happened to my post on Bitterness?
Um, I’m getting schooled!

Psalm 19:14 King James Version (KJV)
14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Let me explain.
When I write up anything that I share, or when I share something face to face with someone, my prayer is that I am not a hypocrite.
Last year, January 15th to be exact, I wrote about My One Word 2018, Be Like Jesus – Jesus is not a hypocrite.
That blog post does go into the depths of my being…who I am…what makes me tick, or not tick, as in, what might make me give up.
It touches on hypocrisy, and various ways we sweep the ‘little’ sins under the rug and point the fingers at those that have ‘bigger’ sins.

I’m a bit touchy about hypocrisy, because it’s a lie.
Here’s a blurb from that post:

Lies…that is how the abuse in my life continued.
I suppose that folks that knew lied to themselves, as well as others.
Those lies almost destroyed me.

John 8:30-32King James Version (KJV)
30 As he spake these words, many believed on him.
31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;
32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

The truth of sexual abuse is not an easy truth to accept.
but by allowing the truth to open my eyes, so many things started to fall in place that had been chaotic, and confusing. Things that had never made sense were now making sense, in the face of this ugly truth. And the bigger TRUTH??? Jesus was in control. Not me. Not my abuser. Not those that knew and allowed it.

So, to be honest about the bitterness post,
I could say that I have a drawing/illustration that needs to be done on the white board but my husband hasn’t been available to video that for me. He does videos of himself presenting to send in for work all the time, so, I do want his help. On the other hand, I can set up a camera, I can turn on video, I could make it work without him if I was really pushing to get it done.
I could say that I haven’t had time to finish it…because I was working on this, that and the other, had PT, had a bout with sickness, and blah blah blah, but the truth is that I have found time to watch TV, and to just sleep in sometimes! ( I lie in bed and pray…some people call it snoring in tongues)
Even there…I want to let folks know that there are times that I’m burdened to pray and I lie in bed to pray…as if I’m some great prayer warrior. I do, sometimes, do this. But, there are at least as many times, if not more, that I roll over and fall back to sleep.
Now – I could say that I’ve slept in because of nightmares and night terrors, and that would be true…sometimes. Others, I got carried away with solitaire on my phone, or watching shows on TV over and over….
Even there…I want to let folks know that I am cleaning up my choices of shows…I’ve never gotten into the purely occult shows…like witches, but, I have liked sci fi, and other types along those lines. I’ve become ‘addicted’ to the ability to binge watch with netflix or prime. It’s the same reason that I cannot read a fiction book before bed…I never go to sleep! Just one more chapter. Just one more episode.
While the choices I’ve made may not be considered bad by many, of the Christian mindset, even if they were beautiful representations of Christian Life and Biblical teaching, the point is…I’ve wasted time watching them.

See – even confessing I try to clean up the confession!

August 15, 2017, I wrote How Long Bitter? based on the Lord teaching me to number my days,

Psalm 90:12 – teach me to number my days so that I might apply my heart to WISDOM!
Or, officially:
Psalm 90:12
12 So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.

I had asked the Lord to teach me to number my days…and to apply my heart to wisdom.
Less than 2 years ago…he was teaching me about bitterness.
Also, just 2 years ago, He was having me look into my time management.
And my confession here is that I have not done well with it.

What has happened in the last month?
A. I’ve gone to the ER for unknown vomiting and excruciating pain. I was afraid it was going to turn into the horrible episode of dizziness with vomiting that I had in Florida last November, and was hospitalized.
What did I learn? That crying out to Jesus is just as powerful as any long winded prayer or quoting volumes of scriptures. I couldn’t do anything more than just say Jesus, Jesus…oh the blood of Jesus.
I could barely text to ask family for help.
I couldn’t text to ask for prayer partners.
I was solely reliant on my faith in Jesus, and my daughter Faith, and my husband’s prayers in Florida( I was in Ohio).

B. I’ve gone through a very emotional attack on facebook about sharing an article about a boy that committed suicide at 8 years old because he was bullied by a gang at school. The issue the others had was that this was a white boy and the gang were listed as an Asian gang. seriously…can we not just realize that no nationality has the corner on gang like groups, or bullying, or suicide and depression? Can’t we just say that no matter the color of the skin, sexual orientation, race or creed, faith or not, bullying is wrong, suicide is tragic and we need a real solution for EVERYONE? This hit me…I have an 11 year old and an 8 year old grandson…among others…and I want to protect them from this mentality!
This triggered some very difficult issues with me, as to who has the right to be declared needing help…because of my childhood.

C. Another thing that I’ve gone through is finding out that a family of young children, specifically an older girl with a brother 3 years younger have a mother that is a nurse, that is addicted to drugs and is taking the drugs from patients. This put me in a funk for a week…this is my childhood. My mom was an RN, and she took the PRNs from her patients to self medicate for bipolar. You know, that statement is so enabling! I’m still giving her an excuse. She was sick. She needed help. But so did my brother and I, from the age of 13 and 11, to when I came home from the Navy to get my brother’s guardianship moved from my mom to my dad for his care. I dropped out of school for various times to work hours to provide money for the bills. I stopped going to a full day of school the second half of my senior year in order to work full time so that I could provide for my brother, me and my mom. I also drove my mom to and from work(yes, she continued to work for senior homes, even though the community knew she had a problem) so that 1, I could have a car available, and 2, so that she was not driving under the influence. Honestly, we couldn’t tell when she was hypoglycemic and when she was drugged…but the amount of drugs that we found, and the repeated suicide attempts were pretty clear that it was mostly drugs. So, yes, the current events triggered unresolved issues from my past.

D. During the medical issue with the vomiting…my daughter brought over her dog to help calm me… Paxton and I
and, he was so concerned about me, but couldn’t stay with me for the night, because he is so bound to his babies at his house…the three boys, and watching over mama!
He reminded me of Gabriel.

Here’s an album on my page Service Dogs
Why is this something that has delayed me? Gabriel alerted to my blood sugars, my heart rate, and was a stabilizing force so that I could walk without fear of falling. Those are just three of the things he did for me.
He saved my life.
He attended mental health hospitals with me.
He did everything with me.
And, in October, 2017, I had to let him go, because of cancer and other illnesses.
I had decided I didn’t need or want another dog.
I was grieving.
Enter Paxton, and the obvious way he was able to calm me, even though he was NOT my dog!

So I started researching service dogs.
I started dealing with the fact that I would probably have to train mine, for financial reasons, again.
This was so emotional, because
1. I miss Gabriel
2. I never really felt confident in my training of Gabriel, though he behaved better than most of the police, fire, and service dogs that we met! I have issues with never feeling like anything I do is good enough, so, it just filtered over here.
3. Did I want to take on a puppy? or Did I want to take on a possible explosion of a rescue dog?
4. finances.

I found a wonderful site, Psychiatric Service Dog partners, and they had a great article on why, for psych dogs, you’d be better off with a puppy.
So much fantastic information on this site.
And, since 2008, there is an amazing amount of information now online. Not so much in 2008!

So, through various research, prayerful nights, and discussions with those that know me best, I will be going to meet a female German shepherd puppy, well, four of them, on February 19th.
I am researching the information now online for training, the requirements again, and having just created that album about Gabriel, I was able to see the fun I had in training him. I’ve also restarted the Service Dog page in order to get actual legal information, not false sales tactics out to the public, as well as encouragement.
The grief of Gabriel, the concerns for my ability, no matter the prior evidence to the contrary, and the stress of finding the ‘right’ puppy has triggered several issues in my mental health, and emotional health at this time.

E. Another thing that just started is that I’ve joined a group for Christian women who have suffered sexual abuse.
If it’s not obvious how that could be triggering, you might be new to my website!

My word for the year is to guard my heart…for out of it flow springs of living water.
Of course, if my heart is full of ugly, ugliness will flow out.
The thing is, I do not want to be hypocritical, talk about bitterness, when I’m having several areas brought to my attention about the need to forgive…not hold bitterness…not go to sleep harboring anger because it gives place to the enemy, and so many more.

I am guilty.
I am human.
The word of God is a two edged sword…sometimes it comforts me, then the other side will attempt to cut away the ugly parts of me and help me to heal from ashes to beauty by His grace.

Please forgive me for the delay, but I hope that you also can extend me grace for being human.

If you ask God to make you more Christ-like, He will take you up on that request.
The Old must pass away, and the NEW must be born!

I am a New Creation, learning and relearning to put off those things of the flesh that so easily distract me!

Here’s one of the worship songs that has been ministering to me the last few weeks.

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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