If you have come to this page because you are contemplating suicide, please dial 988 or 1-800-273-TALK or visit the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine. Some other Suicide Hotlines are on this page.
I have loved this song for years…but now, as I am a recovering suicidal depressant – it gives me chills.
While finding this song on YouTube…I read a comment by a listener..”I’m going to play this when I commit suicide”.
Another suggested the ‘marilyn manson’ version….VERY CREEPY!!!
This song was played over and over and over while I was growing up.
I grew up with a bi-polar mother that attempted suicide on a regular basis.
My favorite uncle committed suicide when I was in the second grade…and the priest and my mom talked about he gave up, and took the one way ticket to heaven.
Another Great Aunt and Uncle committed murder-suicide because he didn’t want to watch her slowly die with cancer.
One month after my wedding, my mother finally succeeded in her desire to let go – and my aunt told me “she gave you a gift…and she knew you were safe now”.
What am I saying? I grew up surrounded with a level of comfort with suicide.
So, when I got married, things weren’t fairy tale perfect, and depression hit with five children under 6…chronic pain…and I couldn’t see any way out…I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
When all I could see was how I was messing up everyone’s lives because of my PTSD, FMS, CFS, and multiple bone, joint, tendon and soft tissue issues (7 surgeries in 7 years)…I wanted to give my family a gift…and remove this burden(ME) from their lives.
Why didn’t I succeed? There are many thoughts about that…one is that except for 2 times, it was never really a suicide attempt…it was take 4 pain pills instead of 1, but I wanted to be dead. No, really, most of the time, I wanted to go to sleep, and wake up without the problems. I had suicidal tendencies, or ideations. So – should I have been left alone with my thoughts? Should my family have just called my bluff?
Well, what I feel led to share here is four types of suicidal thought…from my experience, in and out of hospitals and institutions and by talking with others with similar thought systems.
In my experience, there are at least four DIFFERENT types of suicidal thoughts:
- Look at me – I’m being ignored.
- I’ll show you – Revenge
- I can’t take this anymore – Despair
- I have no worth – I’m a burden to society
In my mind – ALL FOUR ARE DEADLY AND NOT TO BE IGNORED.
but the individual appears to NEED different things.
1. LOOK AT ME!!!!
This one is when someone feels ignored, alone, and wants to get attention. To deny that this is the case is to deny what so clearly has happened with video and letters that say “You didn’t love me enough” or “no one will miss me”.
This person is CRYING OUT FOR HELP!!!
They need to be pointed to a suicide help line, such as 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
This state of mind will not commit suicide while someone is with them.
Ignoring this person will only increase the odds that they WILL keep trying…because ignoring them fulfills the wrong thinking in their head.
2. I’ll show you/them!!!
This mindset scares me. I was told one time “I’ll show them, I’ll call *** and say “you think I’m suicidal” as I drive off the ***bridge”. This person talked about calling different people WHILE he took his own life…to show them…and I’m not sure what he was planning on showing them…that they were right? He was sick? or that they were wrong, that he was in control? The point is…NO ONE WINS in this mentality. The ones that a person is trying to “show” doesn’t lose as much as the one whose life is now gone!
This person needs to realize that the only way to show that someone is wrong, is to prove it with your life. The best revenge for those that are trying to tear you down is to take off and soar, and just wave at them from the clouds while you are soaring with the eagles!
This person is CRYING OUT FOR CLARITY!!!
They need to be pointed to a suicide help line, such as 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
I have no idea if this person will commit suicide while someone is with them…but there is something twisted in their view of getting even. This is for show of some sort.
I have no idea how to respond to this type of suicidal person…but turning their revenge into a healthy self support has to take place.
3. I can’t take it anymore – total despair.
I wrote a poem – “Depression like Driving Rain” – as I was struggling with some depression.
Folks get sad.
Some folks get S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.
But this is Despair….Despair is much more than just being sad.
Despair – noun – loss of hope – hopelessness. To lose hope, to give up, to be without hope.
Despondent – adj. – feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom.
There is no hope of release…”all hope is lost”. In this mindset…there is no view to the future…it’s like a dark wet blanket that one cannot find the way out of, and the weight just continues to pull you down.
This person is CRYING OUT FOR HOPE!!!
This person needs to know that there is a tomorrow…reminded of all the tomorrows that have come and gone and are now yesterdays…and that all the stuff that was despairing actually dissipated, and life began again. This person needs someone to lift the blanket…and be shown that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that they are not alone. This person needs a helping hand.
My Great aunt and uncle were these people…no hope in the face of cancer.
I have been this person, and having someone present to show that life will go on has turned me around.
This person will not commit suicide in the presence of someone else – because someone else present is the sign of hope that someone else will reach out and help.
This person could still benefit from calling or reading one of the help lines listed in this blog.
This person could benefit from just talking to a caring human being.
4. I have no worth – I’m a burden to society
This has been me. I have felt like I have no purpose on this earth other than to visit doctors and to break promises to my friends because some other health issue has arisen to prevent me from keeping my promises. One day I could walk a 5k, and the next I would be in a wheelchair at a field trip. One day I could sew a quilt and the next I couldn’t even touch the pedal to run the machine. One day I could cook a nice meal, and the next day I can’t even stand up to get something out of the refrigerator. That meant/means that my husband and my children have had to do things for me, housecleaning, cooking, activities, push my wheelchair, walk my dog, help me with baths and showers, tie my shoes, disappointed at broken promises.
I have failed as a mom, wife, mom and woman…and I can’t get SSI because of not being able to work so I have no Social Security benefits to help me with disability. Often I can’t even drive myself to the doctors office. My husband had to work from home for years so that he could be available to help me. We have lost money, houses and land to pay for the medical bills that have accrued to keep me alive, which irritates our children for lack of an inheritance. My husband has asked very few things from me as a wife…and because of disabilities, I can’t give him any of them with any consistency.
Of course, I’ve heard the complaints about taking care of me, or me not taking care of them, of my husband doing the wife’s work, and ‘wasting’ my husband’s money. I’ve had complaints that my issues make things too hard for others. I’ve been asked to leave a church because the lack of healing was causing people’s faith to fail. I am a burden to society.
Burden – that which is borne with difficulty.
My mother committed suicide because she knew that I would spend part of my married life trying to keep her alive. She didn’t follow her typical routine…this time, she was serious. This time, she wanted no mistakes. And as I said above…my aunt said to me “Your mother gave you a gift”. My mother did not want to be a burden on me in my marriage.
I did not want to be a burden in my children’s lives or in my husband’s life. I wanted to give them that gift…free them from the burden of this sick, mentally ill, physically depleted ball and chain.
I did call all the help lines…and some people…but no one had time to come to be with me.
I almost succeeded.
If it weren’t for the sheriff and the park ranger that drove past the car, and called the EMT’s – who somehow got this non responding, lifeless body to the ER, and then the ER docs that worked for several hours to bring me back…and the ICU nurses that watched over me…I would not be here.
I have memories of those that just didn’t care if I succeeded.
I have memories of those that accused me of doing it for attention.
I have memories of those I was trying to release being angry at me for doing this ‘to them’.
I have memories of thinking ‘ I better get it right next time, because this continued failure is causing the burden to grow!’
But what I didn’t have was the KNOW inside that NO ONE can determine my worth, other than me and my God.
A person that feels like they are a burden – and that the world is better off without them – and that they would lift all the bad things from their family if they were not there – this person needs LOVE.
This person is crying out for LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE.
This person cannot commit suicide in the presence of someone…because that would be adding to the burden in their life!
Responding to this person in anger only fans the fires of failure and incompetent burden.
This person needs unconditional love…no matter how broken they are.
This person needs to know that they have worth because they have life. You are not given worth by other people – you are born with it. The problem is, we let others take it away.
WHAT TURNED ME AROUND?
After 20 years of therapy…many thoughts…many counselors…somehow, somewhere something clicked.
I have always had a strong faith in Jesus Christ – but because of the church’s response to the suicides in my family, I wasn’t convinced that suicide ends up in a person going to hell. So, that didn’t do it.
One therapist shared a quote with me…and at this moment I cannot find it, but it made me aware that the very fact that I AM means that I have worth. She challenged my concept of the sanctity of life.
Do I consider life worth saving? Then why not mine?
Do I consider life worth living? then why not mine?
And – who do I believe gave life? God
How do I believe about the conception of a baby? God causes each conception, and every conception deserves life…therefore…why not me?
If God has not chosen to take my life, who am I to argue with Him? Job didn’t fare very well in his depressive, suicidal tirade, so why should I?
Psalm 23 has pulled me through…
yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for thou art with me…thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
It has been a path..a rocky, rough path that has brought me to almost no thoughts of suicide. And now, when I hear of a suicide, I am saddened that someone who had a life to live did not or could not ask for help, or find the right person to hold their hand until they came out of the dark valley.
WHAT CAN SOMEONE DO TO HELP?
BE THERE.
How many suicides occur in the midst of a family gathering? I don’t think that any of them do.
I know that some are just asking for attention…but when a 2 year old acts out to get attention, do you just ignore them until they burn themselves with the matches? Of course not. When child is acting out, it’s usually because they need to have different attention to help them through this phase…and that is the same with someone that is talking suicide. You don’t give up on the 2 year old…please don’t give up on someone that is having a mental disconnect that could take their life.
I actually gave up many possible methods, because of how frequently they fail…and the person is worse off afterwards. If I fail, I’ll have crippled hands, or if the fall doesn’t kill me, I could have to be in a wheelchair with worse pain than I do now, etc. Share with this person information on Lost All Hope about statistics of failure.
Suicidal thinking is not REALITY based thinking…it is CATASTROPHIC thinking…and having someone with you, that is not reacting to the events with such a catastrophic outlook is a calming effect by itself.
PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE SOMEONE THAT IS TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE!
PLEASE DO NOT CALL SOMEONE’S BLUFF.
PLEASE DO GET SOME HELP FROM SOME OF THESE WEBSITES TO HELP YOURSELF HELP SOMEONE YOU LOVE.
PsychCentral has some great help for those wanting to help, and those considering suicide.
Lost All Hope is an interesting point of view from another suicidal recoverer.
NAMI – National Alliance on Mental Illness has a page on how to help and how to recognize the signs.
I have not written this from a Christian, Biblical point of view…but I will be adding that feature here soon. The point is, all cultures have some level of sanctity of life…your life is sacred…it is a gift…and you are a gift. You have worth, because YOU ARE. To stop being means that you have wiped out the worth you were born with. Don’t let ‘THEM’ win.
~~~~~~~
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:
- Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
- Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation.
Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
M. Christine Wildman
“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest
Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.
- Naomi’s Heart Ministries
- Obed’s House Ministries
- The son of a friend will be interning with CRU – previously known as Campus Crusades for Christ. If you’d like to support someone I can vouch for in this area, please consider going to Matthew Plant’s donation page.
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