Tag Archives: chaos

how many is too many?

How much is enough?

how many

how many, how much is too much?

Starting my continuing care medical appointments feels like too much.

But, how much is enough?

We live in an RV, but have lived in 2000+ sq ft houses.
We have had a new car…but now have older cars with all the bugs worked out of them.

Too much or too little?

I want to walk

I want to swim

I want to bike

I want to do body weight exercises

how many surgeries, injuries are enough? Too many? enough to get things to work well?

If I give all to the poor – ALL – if I have not love…I am a noisy gong.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though

I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. 1 Cor 13:3

But that doesn’t answer my question. How much is too much? How much is enough?

GRACE
MERCY
FORGIVENESS
PATIENCE
LONG-SUFFERING …

The fruit of the Spirit!

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness AND Self-control.

The Love Chapter in the Bible.

love is patient
love is kind
love is not envious
not conceited
not rude

Think on these things:

whatsoever things are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy.

That is a lot to keep in mind….
Then there’s

modesty,
humility,
compassion,
actions and
non actions…
how to BE MORE than you ARE!

How much is enough?

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

In the work out realm…the balanced answer is:

just do one more than you did yesterday.

But am I able to accept that what I am doing right now is enough?
Probably not.

Am I able to accept that right now, my life is revolving around doctors – helping to fix the things that have been broken?
I’m trying.

Am I able to rest in the fact that Jesus died for me – and that believing in Him is all that is needed for salvation? The Bible Tells me so:

Rom 10:9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
(and Rom 5:9-10; Acts 16:31; John 3:16-17; 1 John 3:23)

But there are times that I think I should DO more…

And then, I think about the Apostle Paul. His life was rough.
But he writes and encourages the church to be content in all things.

Reading the list of things that he went through – I think, it is too much!
Reading the times of suffering want – I think, it’s not enough!
But, Paul says – it is enough – I am content.
HOW???

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phil 4:13

Doing all things through Christ?

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;Col 3:23

So –

If I go to the doctor because I have not been miraculously healed – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
If I workout to strengthen my body – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
If I choose to dress in one way or the other – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
And if I go to bed, and I have done all that has been presented to me, I have attempted to be better today than I was yesterday, then I can be content.

AND If I stumble and fall – I have the promise that he will forgive, and pick me up – His mercies are new every morning.

How much is too much? more than I can handle. And He promised not to give me more than I can handle.

How much is too little? less effort than I can give. Less than what I have.

I’m not done with these thoughts…but this is a good place to close this for further processing.

Apparently, I need to work on being content.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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The First 100 days – day 25 – depression

Job 3:1-4 After this opened Job his mouth, and cursed his day. And Job spake, and said, Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night [in which] it was said, There is a man child conceived. Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it.

In my life, I am responsible for my choices.

In my life, my choices affect others.

When my choices affect others in a negative way, I get sad.

When my choices affect others in a negative way, and I cannot fix it…I get depressed.

Depression is a disease. I have what is called Major Depressive Disorder, or Unipolar Depression. In me, it’s mostly under control now, but sometimes, it sneaks up on me like a snake in tall grass..

The problem with an issue that causes depression flare ups, is that sometimes, the issue doesn’t make any sense to anyone other than me(the depressive person). It’s like a washing machine going around and around in my head…getting faster and faster…and everyone else is on the outside saying “just turn it off”. Hello – there’s no off switch on the inside of the washer!!!!

Job 3:20-24 “Oh, why should light be given to the weary, and life to those in misery? They long for death, and it won’t come. They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure. It is a blessed relief when they finally die, when they find the grave. Why is life given to those with no future, those destined by God to live in distress? I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water.

I’m not suicidal – this time. Though as I wrote in my prior essay on Job, I have been there…countless times.

So – cutting doesn’t work.

drugs doesn’t work.

alcohol doesn’t work

Suicide won’t work.

Binge eating won’t work.

Movie marathons don’t work.

Crying just comes…tears just roll down my cheeks….

I can’t concentrate on my blog in progress.

I don’t want to eat(not a really bad thing for me).

I am overwhelmed with “I HAVE FAILED, AGAIN” feelings.

The ‘silly’ issues are so huge.

Giving up my books – they have been a grounding point for me all through my struggles since the memories triggered the depression.

Not being able to provide Jim with a lovely home in the RV…

Not being able to be focused in one mindset….being double minded(in more ways than one).

I have no faith in me.

Which means, I have no faith in God’s ability to work in me.

Well – there’s another Christi failure.

Sarah.

Rachel.

Rahab.

Three female failures that God used.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Depression is a valley in the shadow of death. That’s the truth.

Jesus walks with me in the valley. That’s truth.

I have spent money on things that stare me in the face…money that could have been spent on something better…money that could have done more good. But I chose to spend that money, because I thought it was the right thing to do in the circumstance. I made the choice I thought was right, given the information I had at the time. So, now, looking back, I regret that I didn’t have prophetic wisdom?

So, now my cry is…am I hearing God’s voice?

John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:

The Israelite’s knew when God wasn’t with them…they went out and fought, and if they lost even 1 man…they came back and fell on their knees to the Lord. But even after repenting.. that one man, 10 men, 30 men, were still dead.

That’s the thing about messing up…circumstances remain.

Sarah had Hagar and Ishmael to deal with – and look at what that has done to our world.

Rebekah deceived her husband, and didn’t live to see Jacob and his children, and the deception send Esau towards the Ishmaelites…more enemies for the Jews.

Rachel brought the idols away from her father’s house…interestingly, she died in childbirth.

Peter denied Christ…and almost gave up.

Stephen was still dead when Saul turned to Paul.

Our circumstances always follow us…as signs saying

DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!!!

Prov 26:2 As the bird by wandering, as the swallow by flying, so the curse causeless shall not come.

I’ll straighten out that KJV –

a curse doesn’t come without a cause.
A curse that comes is not without cause.
If a curse comes, there is a cause.

I’m not saying that I am cursed….I’m saying that circumstances come for a reason. Deut 28 is a great chapter to see cause and effect. Proverbs is good, too!

Prov 26:6 He that sendeth a message by the hand of a fool cutteth off the feet, [and] drinketh damage.

Prov 26:11 As a dog returneth to his vomit, [so] a fool returneth to his folly.

BUT GOD!

As I was looking at the cause and effect of my choices, an angel called. Yes, an angel named Faith called me on the phone. Since she is my daughter, with a newborn baby, married to a soldier that is away for the week, I had promised her that I would answer the phone when she called. I try to always keep my promises, no matter how sad I feel.

Faith was my Elihu. And because of her ability to speak the truth, in love, I was able to hear the Lord’s voice and walk out of this valley of the shadow of death.

I have had to endure the Lord speaking to me out of a whirlwind before…of course, I think I was the one that created the whirlwind of chaos!

Today, through prayer, and crying out as I searched through the scriptures, God answered me through the sweet sounds of our daughter. She was even used as a rod in God’s hands to point out a blind spot – that I was able to repent over, and be freed from that bondage. I was also able to hear the real size of the issues, and rest in the Lord, to be content in peace.

3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.

I have a thorn in my flesh – like Paul – though not for the same reason: 2 Cor 12:7 – And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

But more so that in my weakness, I can turn to HIM. 2 Cor 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This ‘infirmity’ may never leave me. But neither will the Lord Jesus Christ.

Is 41:10 NLT Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Is 41:13 NLT I am holding you by your right hand–I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, `Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.

Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Savior be honor and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. Jude 24-25

With this kind of God – and the enormous love He sheds upon me – how can I give up? How can I quit? I can…but I am compelled by His great love – to love. I love, because He first loved me(1 John 4:19).

I do have past mistakes, and I’m pretty sure I will make future mistakes, and I have even made mistakes today. But God knew all about them, and MY God is BIG enough to handle MY mistakes, an make sure that all things work together for my good and His glory! Anything less is a lack of faith…as in, my God is too small. I got to let Him out of the box I keep putting Him in! It’s when I let HIM be God that I truly enjoy the joy of the Lord.

I praise God that He had Faith call. I praise God that I had a human voice that was Jesus to me. I praise God for His great love, compassion, and patience with me.

A year ago, this may have turned out differently, but by God’s grace, I am here, and I shall live to declare the glory of God!(Ps 118:17)

Thanks for joining me in this journey,

In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

100 days challenge – moving, a dog walk
100 days challenge- blog – check
90 days Bible Reading – catching up
50 days T-Tapp – check – HD & AL

Sunshine and Rain

Sunshine and rain, blue skies and gray, Our God reigns, each and every day!

Ps 147:7 Sing unto the LORD with thanksgiving; sing praise upon the harp unto our God:

:8 Who covereth the heaven with clouds, who prepareth rain for the earth, who maketh grass to grow upon the mountains.

This weekend, with our full range of sky experiences, has been glorious.

We arrived in the dark, and when you are near the gulf, and away from all lights, it is DARK! As we drove, the sky was cloudy, so there were not any stars or moon as well. We walked out to the dunes to look at the waves, and as we walked, the clouds parted. Standing on the dune, looking at the waves come in, and looking up at stars I have never seen was amazing! God’s starry show welcomed us to our beach side weekend.

Job 22:12 [Is] not God in the height of heaven? and behold the height of the stars, how high they are!

Everyone comes to God in the dark.

2Co 4:6 For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

1Pe 2:9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:

We slept, with a window open to enjoy the sounds of the waves crashing, and the smell that only exists on a salt water beach area. The morning was gray…clouds covering the sky, and wind cutting through the clothing. Is this really Houston Texas? It was going to rain…we could see that. But the beach beckoned to us. And yet, we had to wait.

We sat and watched the rain as it hit the windows. The beauty of the water dripping down the glass, the splashes of water when the rain picked up, and the sparkle as light hit the various parts of rain were a delight to watch, from the inside of the RV. The percussion symphony of the drops was a song of the glory and majesty of Our God. We were protected from the rain! We were in the midst of a storm, but totally secure, warm, dry, and able to delight in the nourishing nature of the rain outside our stronghold.

Everyone has storms. Everyone has overwhelming times that just pound and beat against them, threatening to tear them down, or drown them in the emotions. But the one that trusts in God has a special protection, a special place in the midst of the storms.

Is 9:2 The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.

Is 26:3 Thou wilt keep [him] in perfect peace, [whose] mind [is] stayed [on thee]: because he trusteth in thee.

Psa 91:1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

:2 I will say of the LORD, [He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

Prov 18:10 The name of the LORD [is] a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

Mark 4:37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.

4:39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

:40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

:41 And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?

Sometimes there are dark times that just seem to go on and on and on. These are the valleys where we are tested. In Kelly Willard’s song “Hidden Valley’s”, she says :

“Hidden valleys produce a life song

Hidden valleys will make a heart strong

Desperation can cause you to sing

Hidden valleys turn shepherds to kings”

Elijah endured the storms on the mountain. Isaiah endured the storms laying on his side playing with toy soldiers. Daniel endured the storms in the Lion’s Den, and his three friends in the fiery furnace.

David was so used to going through valleys, he wrote the 23^rd Psalm. The key is with whom you walk, and what happens on the other side of the storm.

The rain ceased, and the sky changed a bit, but going out onto the beach was possible. The clouds rolled in, with light from above shining through, giving us the hope that the sun was coming. We walked along the beach, enjoying watching the surf as it rises and falls, ebs and flows, fluctuating and crashing in an unearthly rhythm that only the creator understood. Mist rose above the waves, and the wind blew it in from the gulf, stinging my cheeks as I looked out upon the water. The sand was uneven, unstable, and shifting back and forth as I walked on the beach. I had to keep my focus, and I had to choose my path carefully, or I could fall, damage my ankle(again) and have a tremendous set back.

In this day of mass confusion for mankind, with crashing sound all around, wars and rumors of wars…we have a path in which to walk.

Mat 24:6 And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all [these things] must come to pass, but the end is not yet.

:7 For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.

:8 All these [are] the beginning of sorrows.

Mat 24:12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

:13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

We must stay the course, and hold on to our path. These are part of God’s plan, though it His allowing men to have their own way, turning them over to their own devices and desires. But the believers in Christ have a path.

Psalm 37 is such a comfort in times such as these:

Verse 23 says The steps of a [good] man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

:24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth [him with] his hand.

Ps 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

BUT THE SON IS COMING!!! Breaking through the clouds!

Daniel 7:13 I saw in the night visions, and, behold, [one] like the Son of man came with the clouds of heaven, and came to the Ancient of days, and they brought him near before him.

:14 And there was given him dominion, and glory, and a kingdom, that all people, nations, and languages, should serve him: his dominion [is] an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom [that] which shall not be destroyed.

Matt 24:30 And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.

We are to comfort one another with THESE WORDS!

1Th 4:13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

:14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

:15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive [and] remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

:17 Then we which are alive [and] remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

:18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

Ah – the sun shining upon the waves. They were beautiful before, with the various shades of gray, but as the sun peaked out of the clouds, the water ignited with diamonds, and deep aquamarines, and blue topazes floating up and down with the undulation of the finest dancer. The water was alive!

When the Son touches our lives, even though the waves are the same, the sand is the same, and even we are the same, we come alive! He takes the unholy and makes us holy. He takes the imperfect and starts shining on the perfections. He takes the crashing of our waves and turns it into a dance of love and joy and peace and purpose.

For examples of this, read the gospels…the woman at the well, the woman with the issue of blood, the man who couldn’t walk, the man who couldn’t see, the people that could not be part of society because of their leprosy. When Jesus touches a life, well….

2 Cor 5:17 Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Our sins are covered by the blood of the Lamb – and it’s now our job to walk in the deliverance HE has purchased for us.

We can look at the waves, and the clouds, or we can look at the creator of the waves and the clouds. In Matthew 14:28-32, Peter did fall, BUT HE DID WALK ON WATER! He first was looking at Jesus, trusting in His word. THEN he saw the wind and was afraid. HE TOOK HIS EYES OFF OF JESUS.

I don’t expect to walk on water anytime soon, but we have this concept that walking on water is only for someone like Jesus. Peter is a man like you and me. Peter had yet to deny Christ. Peter walked on water! Don’t despise small beginnings!

There is a saying that has hung in my mother in law’s house as long as I’ve been in the family. It says: “I believe in the sun even when it rains.” Do we believe in the Son, even when it rains?

This seems to be a redundant theme for me, but it fits here as well. The way to be strong in the storms is to be strong in the Lord. Here’s a few verses:

Be strong in the Lord: Deut 31:6-7; Josh 1:9; 1Chron 28:20
Fear Not – the Lord will strengthen you: Is 40:27-31; Is 41:10-13
The Joy of the Lord is Your strength: Neh 8:10
HE will give us a song: Is 51:11
We must come into His presence with praises of thanksgiving, and joyful noises: Ps 95:1-6; Psalm 100
And Jesus came so that our joy(the strength from the Lord) would be full: John 15:11; 16:24

Jesus purchased our ability to have joy…the way to obtain that joy is to be filled with the Lord’s joy, which comes from being in His presence, which is only done by entering with praises and thanksgiving. And the only way we can enter His presence with praises is to make a choice about how we look at the clouds in our lives.

James 1:2-8

We must CHOOSE joy. Sometimes it’s a sacrifice.

Heb 13:15 By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of [our] lips giving thanks to his name.

But the blessings are great.

Jer 33:11 The voice of joy, and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom, and the voice of the bride, the voice of them that shall say, Praise the LORD of hosts: for the LORD [is] good; for his mercy [endureth] for ever: [and] of them that shall bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the LORD. For I will cause to return the captivity of the land, as at the first, saith the LORD.

And, when we dwell in the presence of the most High, we are sheltered by the shadow of His wings…(Ps 91).

The SON cometh!

Psa 96:10 Say among the heathen [that] the LORD reigneth: the world also shall be established that it shall not be moved: he shall judge the people righteously.

:11 Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad; let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof.

:12 Let the field be joyful, and all that [is] therein: then shall all the trees of the wood rejoice

:13 Before the LORD: for he cometh, for he cometh to judge the earth: he shall judge the world with righteousness, and the people with his truth.

In the midst of the storms, comfort one another with these words!

And this is my song, my choice to sing in any time of darkness:

Psa 104:1 Bless the LORD, O my soul. O LORD my God, thou art very great; thou art clothed with honour and majesty.

104:2 Who coverest [thyself] with light as [with] a garment: who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain:

104:3 Who layeth the beams of his chambers in the waters: who maketh the clouds his chariot: who walketh upon the wings of the wind:

Ps 27:6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.

In His hand and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

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