Tag Archives: Darkness

Surgery Scuttlebutt, part six – surgery and recovery

I’m home! It’s been over two weeks since I’ve shared anything…and I wanted to share the update! Surgery was July 17th. I was in the hospital for 7 days.

If you don’t know what scuttlebutt is, please check out

Intro, part one, part two, part three and part four

If you want a great book to help you prepare for, and recover with, please check out Healing and Hope by Christine Carter. Tell her Christi sent you!

I finally got to Chapter 7. Adjust your lens.

The day before surgery, Jim took me to a very unique hotel, the Tudor Arms in Cleveland, Ohio…just down the road from the Cleveland Clinic.

I wanted to have a restful evening with my husband, and that is exactly what we did.

The outside of the hotel is beautiful.

The history of the hotel is amazing.

The entry was intriguing!


We loved the room.

We had a great supper,


And then we went exploring.
In the rooms that were for banquets and balls, there were details that were amazing, but when you stepped back, you could see the whole picture! Go to the website and look at the beautiful weddings!





 

The next day would be my surgery. This whole surgery scuttlebutt series has been how I could be focused upon the minutia of the issue, but instead, I have been encouraged to widen my focus to see the larger picture, and in that larger picture, I have seen the hand of God.

When I widen my focus, then, when I narrow down into the details, I can see God’s hand, even in the little things.
I was unaware of doing this, until I read chapter 7 – Adjust your lens.

Christine had been encouraging me to be intentional in my healing…via the book.

We must be intentional with our thoughts and expand our vision to include the full scenery we are leaving out.

Here are a few of the things that happened while in the hospital:

  • Our daughter Faith was able to be at the hospital with me because of a scheduling boon with her mother-in-law, making it possible to have the children babysat. She braided my hair after the surgery. Big Picture? LOVE!
  • A dear friend came to visit – and one night, it was so perfect because Jim was exhausted and he felt free to go to the hotel, since our friend Suzanne was there with me! The Big Picture? God will provide for our needs!
  • Jim’s cancer treatment got messed up and he had to have some medicine shipped, and it arrived the day after my surgery. Jim and I had forgotten my CPAP for recovery in the hospital. The day of the surgery, our daughter Faith had been asked to bring it, but she forgot. We were able to not make this detail a bit thing. God took these details, and the big picture was that Jim drove back home for the CPAP, was able to pick up his medicine and continue his treatment while staying at the hotel near the hospital! The Big Picture? God had it under control, with all of our frailties in mind, and the possibility that Jim would not have driven home for the medicine except that he needed to pick up the CPAP!
  • My first roommate was apparently a very angry person. I barely remember. Jim remembers her well. He was trying to figure out how he was going to get me transferred so that I was not with her yelling angry presence. She decided to get up, pack, and leave AMA – he says she walked out of the room, yelling, someone get here and take this IV out of my arm…I’m going home! Big Picture? I know that I felt bad for her, and was praying in my drugged state, but God had already made sure that I would have a peaceful room…the woman made her own choice to leave.
  • I had two other roommates during the 7 days, and as they were preparing to leave, they came over to my bedside and sat down and visited with me. I was drugged, so I have no idea why they became so friendly. the Big Picture? When you pray that you will be Christ like, sharing Christ’s love no matter what, people are drawn to you. Jim says that my character was gracious, compassionate and apologetic for bothering the nurses, even drugged.

From Help and Hope:

I finally discovered that if you can broaden your view – expanding the moments when your vision seems stuck – a massive shift in perspective happens.

When I think about my view, I think about this little house that God has provided us.
Out my bedroom window

Out the bay window….

On the swing and from the swing!

There are parks, and places that I can go to immerse myself in beauty. (these were taken on our 38th anniversary, less than one mile from our home!)

There are many other beautiful views…
My grandchildren, who love to come and say hi.
My friends on the internet that check on me daily, from all over the world.
I just have to look outside of myself – see the big picture, and then, I can drill down the focus and see the beauty of a butterfly, a vine ripe tomato plucked by my grandson, or a marigold that he brings me to cheer me up.

Looking at the big picture reminds me that

  • Even though there is pain…there is no infection.
  • Even though there is pain, there is no cancer.
  • Even though there is limited mobility, THERE IS MOBILITY!

The choice is to be grateful, to acknowledge my blessings, and then, my heart is content!

Isn’t that like looking at the stars and seeing HIS handiwork….

Psalm 19:1 King James Version (KJV)
19 The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork.

and after reading the whole of Psalm 19, I drill down to MY response:

Psalm 19:14 King James Version (KJV)
14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Part of adjusting my lens also deals with my mental illnesses – depression, PTSD, and anxiety. When I am in a ‘normal’ state, I feel – MUCH.
But I have been drugged…to help me not feel the pain.
I appreciate the “not feeling” pain, as much as the meds were able to help, but this also effects my emotional state, which is tied to the mental illnesses.

One of the concerns for this journey has been the chemical upset that the various medications will cause to my mental health. Even if one didn’t have mental illnesses, the normal mental person would have struggles with depression and being homebound and such. Therefore, we took measures to insure that I would not succumb to the enemy of my mind.

Just the other day, I read a blog by a dear lady that is also struggling with mental illnesses, and writes about her struggle. She opened my eyes to one of the things that I was experiencing…numbness. What is normal for us is to FEEL – BIG. Take that away, and we don’t feel alive. This can bring in some other issues, for me, such as cutting and bingeing…just to feel. These are some of my enemies.

Katie wrote Wait in the Middle, that so clearly explains this strange situation that effects those of us with emotional issues. I encourage you to go read this!

Back to the book, Help and Hope …I prepared.
I saw the big picture – I have illnesses that need medication.
I saw the big problem – without addressing it, I could relapse into suicidal depression.
I made small, detailed plans – meds were laid out for three weeks, photos of joy were put into photo albums, music to encourage was downloaded, a cd player was set up in my bedroom, and my medical providers were aware of the situation.

Have I had thoughts? not of suicide, Praise God – but I’ve started to have a pity party or two…and by being prepared, I was able to stop that party!
Have I gotten down? yes – and I started counting my blessings, because they were all around me…so the enemy couldn’t lie!
Have I had pain? Yes, and I was able to quote verse as things were being taken care of…to mentally handle the pain.

No matter where you find yourself in this journey, there are those that are willing to help!
In Surgery Scuttlebutt, part two, I talked about how I was afraid I’d be alone…and I have not been!

I hope that you have found something in my story to help you in yours. I have one more blog to share with you the various other things that I have learned…please stay tuned!

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Introducing BlackWaterFalls Testimony – a book in progress

Why write a book about my past? is it relevant?
The purpose of this book is to shine a light on Darkness that is in our midst. Children are sexually abused every single day and it is ignored. Currently there’s even political people saying that it is okay for an adult to have sex with a child if a child is consenting. This absolutely blows my mind. How can a 12 month old, 18 month old, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 year old(for me, to age 12) actually know what they’re consenting to in the realm of sexual interactions.?

Think the church is safe? I tried to hide out in the church! Protect my children in the church!

And then there’s the church. Because the church is spotless and pure obviously there is no childhood sexual abuse within here! At least that was the false believe until we saw the Catholic Church go through serious problems with priests and nuns, and then the various Protestant churches, and then even in a group that we were part of that was very very intent on keeping girls and boys apart until marriage, it was exposed that the leader and his brother had had sexual situations with secretaries and children who were entrusted to him in his ministry.

What is my purpose? What is my goal?

I hope that my story can be used to take what has been whispered in Dark Places, in secret and shout it from the rooftops to bring truth and light into that darkness. It is because of knowing this truth and bringing this truth and shining the light of God’s word onto it in my life that I have been able to overcome. I hope, and I pray, that this book will help others to seek out the truth, release themselves from the guilt and shame, and even get to the point that they can forgive their abuser so that they are completely released from the chains of Darkness.

The break through came while I was hospitalized when the memories resurfaced.  Yes, there was a memory there for years, like one of those little tags at the back of the shirt that is irritating, but you ignore it.

For those that may wonder – the memories were confirmed by 6 different people – all of whom have gone on to their eternal reward.  

Here’s the Summary – created for a writing conference:

My Blackwater Falls Testimony, by M. Christine Wildman

The painting “Blackwater Falls” illustrates the river of my life journey.  The river journeys from hidden abuses, to a chaotic childhood and Christian confusion crashing me about in rock strewn rapids of teenage responsibility.  I am placed into a precarious life as a woman, with five children, and a marriage on the rocks, and I am propelled towards the waterfall plummet that ends in a violent crash.     The onslaught of repressed memories, the rejection from the church and family, and repeated self abuse issues threaten my ability to survive to serve God again.

How does a child handle 13 years of sexual abuse? What does that do to a teen as she looks forward to a future? Can a marriage make it with millions of IEDs lying in wait to destroy every tenet of trust? Can a human being learn to trust a God that allowed such things to happen?  And can a suicidal, mentally ill person become whole again?

As I learned to apply scripture to my situations, I learned to be still in the storms, embrace the storms, and even dive into the storms to obtain the nourishment for my recovery.  On the other side of the valley of the shadow of death, God is setting up a table for me in the presence of my enemies. It’s my job to walk with Him in the valley, so that I can get to the party!

Here is the painting that came out of me, and helped to set me free:

I’ll make a page to link the updates for this book…and I’d love to have your input!

 
Hi! Thanks for coming!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2018 Lent Day 40 – Holy Saturday – 3/31

Holy Saturday – Lent Day 40
Lent Devotions
Lent Week Six started March 19
Lent Week Seven started with Palm Sunday, March 25.
These will be updated as the blogs are posted.

I’m so sorry for the delay – thank you for your patience with me as we prepare to move!

The day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

Scripture
Each passage adds a little something to the preparation, but Matthew talks about the guards.

Matthew 27:62-66 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
The Closely Guarded Tomb
62 The next day, which followed the preparation day, the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered before Pilate 63 and said, “Sir, we remember that while this deceiver was still alive He said, ‘After three days I will rise again.’ 64 Therefore give orders that the tomb be made secure until the third day. Otherwise, His disciples may come, steal Him, and tell the people, ‘He has been raised from the dead.’ Then the last deception will be worse than the first.”

65 “You have[a] a guard of soldiers,”[b] Pilate told them. “Go and make it as secure as you know how.” 66 Then they went and made the tomb secure by sealing the stone and setting the guard.[c]

Mark 15:42-47
Luke 23:50-56
John 19:31-42

Devotion
Holy Saturday
This is the day that is traditionally remembered as Christ being in the grave, and setting the captives free from the chains of death.

Here is a little bit from Wikipedia’s be about Christ descending into hell

Got questions says a little more about Holy Saturday.

The day of memory is very much a day of the Catholic Church, and therefore that would be where you would go to find more information.

My blogging friends have been busy this week, focusing upon Our Lord.
I’ve included a couple I thought were pertinent to Saturday…

Melinda Just wrote about the Shock of the Cross in a very insightful post.

I’m repeating Grace Waves The Final Promise again – as well as The Nails are Gone. Both of these really touched my heart, and helped me to see a bit of this weekend differently.

There were many people that were waiting between the cross and the resurrection.
The Mary s
The Apostles – What now?
Peter – will he forgive me?
The family – many thoughts
The Centurian…what just happened?
The two priests – Nicodemas and Joseph of Arimethia – are we sure?
and those that killed him!

Everyone had their own story…everyone had their Friday night suffering….and everyone was going to have Sunday morning.

The question is – what was Sunday morning going to reveal?

The Gospel Coalition provides this video of Sunday’s comin'(transcript is at this link)

Sunday’s Coming! from CTR Memphis on Vimeo.

 
Saturday is a day of waiting….

Psalm 27 ends with wait on the Lord, and be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart.
I say to you now…that if you are waiting for your resurrection morning…read all of Psalm 27 – and be encouraged!

Isaiah 40:31 King James Version (KJV)
31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

A search for wait on the lord will give you plenty of meditative options. If not, then, try Be Still! 😉

Remember – He hasn’t quit…and won’t quit,until He’s finished!

Philippians 1:6 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
6 I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you[a] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

If they gave up on Saturday, they would have missed Sunday!

Music and Prayer
Wait on the Lord – Joyous Celebration
Wait on the Lord – Maranatha

and, here’s my Lent Channel on Youtube

May your Day be blessed with thoughts of Jesus, and the Knowledge that HE LOVED YOU SO MUCH THAT HE DIED FOR YOU!

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Third Sunday of Lent – Why hast thou forsaken me?

Lent Devotions

Lent Week Three just passed.
Lent Week Four is coming up.

We have created a facebook group in which to follow and discuss, please join! – 40 days of Lent!

If you are doing the Lenten Cross – light all but two. I am starting from the bottom, it seems symbolic to me. Here’s a photo of my cross:

third Sunday of Lent

Music
At Calvary – Casting Crowns
Didn’t He – Randy Matthews

Scripture

Matthew 27:45-48 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
The Death of Jesus
45 From noon until three in the afternoon[a] darkness came over the whole land.[b] 46 About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out with a loud voice, “Elí, Elí, lemá[c] sabachtháni?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken[d] Me?”[e]

47 When some of those standing there heard this, they said, “He’s calling for Elijah!”

Mark 15:33-36 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
The Death of Jesus
33 When it was noon,[a] darkness came over the whole land[b] until three in the afternoon.[c] 34 And at three[d] Jesus cried out with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lemá[e] sabachtháni?” which is translated, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”[f]

35 When some of those standing there heard this, they said, “Look, He’s calling for Elijah!” 36 Someone ran and filled a sponge with sour wine, fixed it on a reed, offered Him a drink, and said, “Let’s see if Elijah comes to take Him down!”

Psalm 22

Devotion
Have you ever felt like you were so bad that God turned his back on you? I have!

Have you ever felt like God just wasn’t listening? I have!

Have you ever heard the scripture verse about the heavens are brass?
Check out all the variations of Deuteronomy 28:23 – talking about God will not hear the prayers of the people!

When I am in times of depression, distress, despair, my mind does not work correctly. I have cognitive disorders and distortions from the various mental illnesses. I have struggled with fear of abandonment! Fear of betrayal! And fear of being left behind! I also can imagine all sorts of unforgivable sins I’ve committed…though theologically, they are NOT the unforgivable sin!

Jesus saying these words strikes me to my heart. Jim is going to talk about the theological aspects of this but just on the surface to think that Christ would feel forsaken by his father hurts my heart. The fact that Christ is one third of the whole Godhead, boggles my mind! How does one part forsake another part?

I’m going to talk about the feeling of being forsaken.

I will never leave you nor forsake you!

Hebrews 13:5 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
5 Your life should be free from the love of money. Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.

I Will
This is a promise, that is so dear to my heart.

Never! That is an eternal word! Never ever will he leave us.

Leave!
I’ve talked a lot about how sin separated us from God and from fellowship with God.
I’ve talked a lot about Christ dying on the cross specifically to give us a way back to fellowship.

From Come Back to Jesus
Jesus talks about us being in the palm of God’s hands and no man can take us out.
In Lent day 16, Jim gave us some links about Calvin’s teaching on the security of the Saints. If we are in the palm of God’s hand, and no one can take us out of that Palm, then we are always always with God.

I admit, there are times it does not feel like it. To Me.

Nor!
That’s a contraction that specifies negatives. Which makes it say I will never leave you oh, I will never forsake you. Never no never! Pretty definite!

Forsake!
Forsake has so many connotations in my mind.
It’s not just leaving, it’s betraying a trust!
It’s breaking a promise!
It’s not just leaving, it is leaving someone high and dry!
Interesting that Jesus asks us to forsake the things of this world to turn towards him.
That connotation of forsake talks about making sure that those things are no longer in our heart, and that Jesus is more important.
So if we go back to Jesus saying he will not forsake us there is nothing that is more important to him than us.

My God…why hast thou forsaken me?
I know that this is the first line of Psalm 22.
Psalm 22 is a cry of someone who believes that they have been forsaken by God! David has written out his heart cry!

  • It turns from despair that God is not listening
  • to remembering the promises and times that he did in past and
  • declaring that he will in the future.

I’m not really sure of the timing of this song. I don’t have it in the notes that I have here. There are so many times that David was in trouble and was crying out to God and was praying for deliverance! Therefore, Pick a time!

Back to Hebrews 13:5:
With me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23
I am a little dense sometimes, but I just realized that Psalm 23 comes after Psalm 22. I’m not sure of the order in which they were written, but I believe that there is a purpose for this order!

The Valley of the shadow of death is a dark place. It doesn’t say that God will take us out of the Valley of the shadow of death, but that he would be with us and walk with us. With the rod and the staff, He will guide us and keep us safe, like a Shepherd does his sheep as they go from one place to the other. It might be a dangerous place that they have to get through to go from one good feeding place to another. The Shepherd keeps a watch on the sheep, and does all, including laying down his life, to protect the sheep.

John 14:23 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
23 Jesus answered, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him.

Luke 23:43 New International Version (NIV)
43 Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

In the garden, Adam and Eve walked with God. The break, the leaving, is what we cause when we sinned.
Genesis 3

Enoch walked with God and was no more because God caught him up in the clouds. Enoch walked so closely with God, that he didn’t even have to die!

Genesis 5:24 King James Version (KJV)
24 And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

The key here that I want to point out is that God the son has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.
When David cried out “my God my God why has thou forsaken me,” God had not forsaken him. He just felt like it because he couldn’t see what God could see.

I have an inkling that that is exactly what Jesus was stating that, not so much that he was stating that God had forsaken him, but the fullness of Psalm 22. Where David was saying why did you forsake me and he goes on with the rest of the psalm and basically says God never forsakes us and God keeps his promises and God.

As we know the end of the story is that Jesus went to deliver the captives, He rose from the dead and talked to all the folks that were there. If you look at one of the gospels it says that hundreds came to life when Jesus rose from the dead, and were walking around and people saw them. Then Jesus ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father. God kept his promise. But in the mortal, finite mind, when darkness fell and Jesus’s body died it looked as though all hope was lost.

Here’s a twist. As Jesus was talking to the disciples and he let them know that he was leaving but that he would send a comforter, which was his way of saying I’m not going to leave you alone. This is just part of the Triune God, that Jesus had to die on the cross to pay the price for our sin, so that the Holy Spirit could come and dwell our hearts. We HAD TO BE MADE NEW SO THE HOLY SPIRIT COULD INDWELL US! and help us to take control of our minds and emotions and spirits.

The disciples had walked with God as in Walking With Jesus for 3 years. Now he tells them he’s going to die. Then he tells him that he’s going to leave, and they’re freaking out.

We have to remember that the Jews were very anti polytheism, therefore they didn’t really know that God was Triune. Jesus came and said that he and the father were one and the Holy Spirit came down like a dove as He,  the son, was being baptized and the Father’s voice says “this is my son” proving that there are three Personalities in the Godhead. This is rather disconcerting to these Jewish men. He’s going to send a comforter, and it’s supposed to be as good as having Jesus? They had no idea what was going on.  Of course they had seen Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead, but if Jesus Is Dead who’s going to raise Jesus from the dead?. That is a very good question and they didn’t have an answer.

So the big theological question is if God is Triune and God the Father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit are all one, how does God the Father turn his back on God the son?

~~~~ Jim’s thoughts ~~~~

My thoughts on Christ’s cry of forsakenness.

I love what Matthew Henry points out that it was a “loud cry”, not a whimper.  He did not die gradually, but suddenly.

For all of Christ’s utterances on the cross, I like to keep in mind the point of Him being there.  To be the perfect sacrifice for our sins. We know that the sacrifices in the OT were a type (or pointed to) the cross. Whatever is true of them is true of Christ’s sacrifice as well.  Nothing that Christ said on the cross or that was done to Him can make His sacrifice violate the pattern; it has to fit the type.

  1. The sacrifice was chosen
    1. Ex 12:3 Speak ye unto all the congregation of Israel, saying, In the tenth day of this month they shall take to them every man a lamb, according to the house of their fathers, a lamb for an house:
    2. Math 3:17 And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
  2. The sacrifice was perfect and w/o blemish “a lamb w/o blemish”
    1. Ex 12:5 Your lamb shall be without blemish, a male of the first year: ye shall take it out from the sheep, or from the goats:
    2. John 1:29 The next day John seeth Jesus coming unto him, and saith, Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world.
  3. The sacrifice had to be applied in the way specified in order to be effective
    1. Ex 12:7And they shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses, wherein they shall eat it.
    2. John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
  4. Christ was our sacrifice (so He did what was necessary)
    1. Eph 5:2 And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling savor.
    2. Heb 9:26 For then must he often have suffered since the foundation of the world: but now once in the end of the world hath he appeared to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself.
    3. Heb 10:12 But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins for ever, sat down on the right hand of God;

It seems to me, that as Christ was fully God, it was impossible for Him to be killed in any normal sense; so His death (no matter what was done to His body) had to be a voluntary one.  

John 10:15 As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep.

John 10:18 No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father.

Everything Christ did, He did volitionally to fulfill the Father’s will and plan.

John 5:30 I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.

I have no idea to what extent the Father and the Son were separated at Christ’s death, just like I have no idea how the eternal God spent 9 months in Mary’s womb, then 2-3 years not being able to speak, and 12 years or so not being able to take care of Himself (as to earning a living, etc.) and 30 years not revealing Himself to anyone.

Just as we can not really understand the “how” of the Incarnation, I don’t think we can really understand the “how” of Christ’s death on the cross.  I like to think that His cry of forsakenness was the indication that He had fully suffered as a man, that He had reached the point (known only to God) that was necessary for Him to be our perfect sacrifice.  “It is finished”

John 19:30 When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.

~~~~ end of Jim’s thoughts ~~~~

There are other thoughts in the commentaries that Bible Hub provides for Matthew 27:46

 

One of the things that is said is that Jesus has experienced all that we have experienced.

Hebrews 4:15 New International Version (NIV)
15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

Until his death on the cross, he never felt like there is a possibility that God had forsaken him. Now as our high priest he knows what that feels like even though he knew what God was going to do.

The one thing that I can absolutely State without any doubt is that God keeps his promises.
He promised to never leave us nor forsake us.
Who chose to sin and separate themselves from God?
First it was Lucifer,
then it was Adam and Eve,
and then you can go on down the line until we are the ones that chose to separate ourselves.

God has given us two great works to show his presence and to draw us to him.
One being creation that screams of a Creator,
and the other being the Bible that tells how to be reunited with the Creator.

So the choice now is are you going to forsake God or not?

Worship and prayer
At Calvary – Mercy Me
Your Grace Finds me – Matt Redmon

If you are not sure if you have ever made the choice FOR God…not FORsaking God…Here are some links to help:
Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation

 

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Jim and Christi Wildman November 2020

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Lent 2018 Week Three (updated for 2023)

What is LENT? (a link to all of the LENT devotions)
Wikipedia has a very complete explanation for many of the christian denominations that observe LENT.
Short and simple, it’s making oneself prepared through humility to celebrate the resurrection of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It is the Christian equivalent to Passover for the Jews.
We’ve created a Face book group to follow and discuss, please join us! – 40 days of Lent!

11 – (3/6) Upper Room – Lord’s Supper – REMEMBER – Mt 26:17-30; Luke 22:14-20 small cup and plate
12 – (3/7) Upper Room – Lord’s Supper – NEW COVENANT – Mt 26:17-30; Luke 22:14-20 small cup and plate
13 – (3/8)  Upper Room – Lord’s Supper – cup and body – Mt 26:17-30; Luke 22:14-20 small cup and plate
14 – (3/9)Upper Room -Jesus washes the disciples feet – John 13:2-17; great is least – Luke 22:24-30 terry cloth
15 – (3/10)Upper Room – Declaration of Judas’ betrayal John 13:21-30, Luke 22 ; 21-23 knife;
16 – (3/11) Upper Room – Peter’s confession of Loyalty Mt 26:31-33, John 13:36-38
(3/12) Third Sunday of Lent  SUNDAY WORSHIP – REMEMBER THE RESURRECTION – “My God, My God, Why hast thou forsaken me?”

Lenten Cross Instructions
Our Lenten cross in progress.

 

I want these to be family activities, therefore, I’m going to list a few free coloring page websites here:

 

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2018 Lent Day Nine – Judas’ betrayal – 3-3-2023

Lent Devotions
Lent Week Two
We have created a facebook group to follow and discuss, please join! – 40 days of Lent!

Lent Day Nine
Are you a Judas?

MUSIC –
Hymns Mash Up by anthem Lights

Scripture:

Luke 22 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
The Plot to Kill Jesus
22 The Festival of Unleavened Bread, which is called Passover, was drawing near. 2 The chief priests and the scribes were looking for a way to put Him to death, because they were afraid of the people.

3 Then Satan entered Judas, called Iscariot, who was numbered among the Twelve. 4 He went away and discussed with the chief priests and temple police how he could hand Him over to them. 5 They were glad and agreed to give him silver.[a] 6 So he accepted the offer and started looking for a good opportunity to betray Him to them when the crowd was not present.

Matthew 26:14-16 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
14 Then one of the Twelve—the man called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests 15 and said, “What are you willing to give me if I hand Him over to you?” So they weighed out 30 pieces of silver for him. 16 And from that time he started looking for a good opportunity to betray Him.

Mark 14:10-11

Devotion
This comes after the woman anointing Jesus.

Mark 14:4-5 (HCSB)
4 But some were expressing indignation to one another: “Why has this fragrant oil been wasted? 5 For this oil might have been sold for more than 300 denarii and given to the poor.” And they began to scold her.

Matthew 26:8-9(HCSB)
8 When the disciples saw it, they were indignant. “Why this waste?” they asked. 9 “This might have been sold for a great deal and given to the poor.”

Matthew 26:14(HSCB) Then one of the Twelve—the man called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests

John calls out Judas:

John 12:4-6 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
4 Then one of His disciples, Judas Iscariot (who was about to betray Him), said, 5 “Why wasn’t this fragrant oil sold for 300 denarii[a] and given to the poor?” 6 He didn’t say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief. He was in charge of the money-bag and would steal part of what was put in it.

Here’s an interesting picture of Judas.
He’s known to be a thief…and he’s put in charge of the money bag.
Was Jesus surprised? NO!

John 6:70-71 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
70 Jesus replied to them, “Didn’t I choose you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is the Devil!” 71 He was referring to Judas, Simon Iscariot’s son,[a][b] one of the Twelve, because he was going to betray Him.

Satan entered Judas…how does that happen?
In studying Romans, I’ve watched a teaching by Tommy Nelson, Romans, the letter that changed the world. In Romans 3, he points out the progression of the clean man to devolve into the degenerate man.

Romans 3 HCSB
The Whole World Guilty before God(PROGRESSION OF DEGENERATION – note and emphasis mine)
9 What then? Are we any better? Not at all! For we have previously charged that both Jews and Gentiles are all under sin,

(ESTATE OF MAN)
10 as it is written:
There is no one righteous, not even one.
(EXTENT OF SIN-MIND, WILL AND HEART)
11 There is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God.
(EFFECT OF SIN – WHOLE BODY IS CURSED)
12 All have turned away;(FEET)
all alike have become useless.
There is no one who does what is good,(HANDS)
not even one.
(EXPRESSION OF SIN)
13 Their throat is an open grave;
they deceive with their tongues.
Vipers’ venom is under their lips.
14 Their mouth is full of cursing and bitterness.
15 Their feet are swift to shed blood;
16 ruin and wretchedness are in their paths,
17 and the path of peace they have not known.
18 There is no fear of God before their eyes.

Another part of this goes with Romans 1 – another progression into degeneration:
Romans 1:18-32

The keys in both are these:

Romans 1:21 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
21 For though they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God or show gratitude. Instead, their thinking became nonsense, and their senseless minds were darkened.

Romans 3:18 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
18 There is no fear of God before their eyes.[a]

I don’t believe that Judas was aware of the progression going on in his heart…but Jesus was.

  • Adam and Eve – did Eve realize that her heart had gone from fully relying on God…to listening to the enemy? Genesis 3
  • Cain – God gave him the opportunity Genesis 4
  • Samson – didn’t even realise that the Spirit of God had left him….Judges 13
  • Ananias was asked by Peter -what has gotten into you? Acts 5

Jesus KNEW that we would be tempted…JESUS KNOWS that we have a tendency to fall backwards if we are not specifically choosing to move forwards.
We just completed a series preached by Pastor Jimmy Knott on Spiritual Growth.
Pastor Jimmy’s Ministry Page
I wish I could make available to you the booklet he and his wife created for figuring out why we are stuck in our walks, what we need to do to get unstuck, and how to MOVE FORWARD in our Spiritual Walk with Jesus.
He explained that we grow on a spiritual continuum – from

  • Exploring Christ(Seeking) to
  • Growing in Christ(Little Children) to
  • Close to Christ(Young Adults) and onto
  • Christ Centered (Spiritual Fathers and Mothers).

Yes, we move forward, slip back, move between areas…but the movement must be forward, or, we actually we are slipping backward.
Bill Owens – We know that, when it comes to technology and the economy, if you’re not constantly moving forward, then – without a doubt – you’re moving backwards.

Gorbachev – “If you don’t move forward, sooner or later you begin to move backward.”

The progression in Romans 1 & 3 would confirm these quotes.

Jesus pled with the disciples at Gethsemane to Watch and Pray that they not fall into temptation! Matthew 26:41
Jesus told Peter that Satan had a target on his back! Luke 22:321
Paul wrote much about being aware of the enemy’s schemes.

I think the point I take from today’s study is that we have to be watching out to whom we are listening. We’ve looked at making sure we hear God’s voice, and making sure we respond with a yes. Judas had Jesus RIGHT THERE WITH HIM and somehow he got lost in the money.
There’s two more parts to Judas’s story – the betrayal, and then, his total despair ending in suicide. From a trusted disciple, sent out with power to heal, and whose feet were washed by Jesus, to the betrayer of the Lord of Light and Life, to a victim of his own suicide. A sad progression.

Listening to the enemy is death.
It’s what happened to Adam and Eve, they began to die, and an animal had to be slain on their behalf.
It’s what happened to Cain and Abel – Abel dead, and Cain sent away.
It’s what happened to Ananias and Saphira – both struck dead for lying to the Holy Spirit.

Even worse, it’s what happened to Samson – not even knowing the Spirit had left him – and his life was destroyed. I do not ever want to be so blind that I don’t even notice that the Spirit of God is no longer with me!

Proverbs 4:18-19 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
18 The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn,
shining brighter and brighter until midday.
19 But the way of the wicked is like the darkest gloom;
they don’t know what makes them stumble.

Jesus begs us to believe in The Light – as I wrote in Lent day Eight.
Jesus doesn’t want us to stumble, and fall, and die.

Prayer and Worship
Come Thou Fount – by Chris Rice

 

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2018 Lent Day Eight – 3/2/2023

Lent Devotions
Lent Week Two
We have created a facebook group to follow and discuss, please join! – 40 days of Lent!

Lent Day Eight
Believe or Not, that is the Question

Music:
I hear Jesus Calling – F. C. Barnes and company
Jesus is Calling – Elevation Worship

Scripture:
John 12:35-50

verses 35-36
35 Jesus answered, “The light will be with you only a little longer. Walk while you have the light so that darkness doesn’t overtake you. The one who walks in darkness doesn’t know where he’s going. 36 While you have the light, believe in the light so that you may become sons of light.”

then verses 44-30
44 Then Jesus cried out, “The one who believes in Me believes not in Me, but in Him who sent Me. 45 And the one who sees Me sees Him who sent Me. 46 I have come as a light into the world, so that everyone who believes in Me would not remain in darkness. 47 If anyone hears My words and doesn’t keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world. 48 The one who rejects Me and doesn’t accept My sayings has this as his judge:[f] The word I have spoken will judge him on the last day. 49 For I have not spoken on My own, but the Father Himself who sent Me has given Me a command as to what I should say and what I should speak. 50 I know that His command is eternal life. So the things that I speak, I speak just as the Father has told Me.”

Devotion
Jesus IS the LIGHT!

John 1:4 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
4 Life was in Him,[a]
and that life was the light of men.

John 3:19 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
19 “This, then, is the judgment: The light has come into the world, and people loved darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil.

John 8:12 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
The Light of the World
12 Then Jesus spoke to them again: “I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows Me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life.”

In John 12:42-43 we read

42 Nevertheless, many did believe in Him even among the rulers, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, so they would not be banned from the synagogue. 43 For they loved praise from men more than praise from God.

John later clarifies this

1 John 1:6 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
6 If we say, “We have fellowship with Him,” yet we walk in darkness, we are lying and are not practicing[a] the truth.

Yesterday, Lent Day Seven, we talked about having ears to hear, and at the end of that post, I stated that a response is expected.

A year ago, I was going through the FIRST verse of Psalm 23 to declare that THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD. This is David’s RESPONSE! He wrote Psalm 23!

From John 12:35-50

35 Jesus answered, “The light will be with you only a little longer.
Walk while you have the light so that darkness doesn’t overtake you. The one who walks in darkness doesn’t know where he’s going.
36 While you have the light, believe in the light so that you may become sons of light.”

Jesus tells them what response is necessary to BECOME SONS OF LIGHT!

Jesus CRIES OUT!

44 Then Jesus cried out, “The one who believes in Me believes not in Me, but in Him who sent Me.
45 And the one who sees Me sees Him who sent Me.
46 I have come as a light into the world, so that everyone who believes in Me would not remain in darkness.

It’s as if the heart of Christ is breaking as He pleads with us to believe!

Continuing from yesterday’s post on hearing, God WANTS us to HEAR!

Psalm 81:11-13

Micah 6:1-5

Luke 16:31 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
31 “But he told him, ‘If they don’t listen to Moses and the prophets, they will not be persuaded if someone rises from the dead.’”

It is crucial to hear – and then to make a choice.

Joshua 24:15 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
15 But if it doesn’t please you to worship Yahweh, choose for yourselves today the one you will worship: the gods your fathers worshiped beyond the Euphrates River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. As for me and my family, we will worship Yahweh.”

IT IS A CHOICE!

Deuteronomy 30:15-20 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
15 See, today I have set before you life and prosperity, death and adversity.

17 But if your heart turns away and you do not listen and you are led astray to bow down to other gods and worship them,
18 I tell you today that you will certainly perish and will not live long in the land you are entering to possess across the Jordan.

19 I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live,
20 love the Lord your God, obey Him, and remain faithful[c] to Him. For He is your life, and He will prolong your life in the land the Lord swore to give to your fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”

OUR choice is between Life and Death – Blessing and Curse – life and prosperity, death and adversity. OUR Choice effects not only ourselves, but our descendants – it provides a foundation for their choice!

BELIEVE!

Acts 16:31 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
31 So they said, “Believe on the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household.”

Our choice AFFECTS THE HOUSEHOLD!

CONFESS WITH YOUR MOUTH

Romans 10:9-10 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
9 If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 One believes with the heart, resulting in righteousness, and one confesses with the mouth, resulting in salvation.

For more specifics on how to make a choice FOR Life which is the LIGHT of men – Jesus Christ, Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
In honor of Billy Graham who just went home to Jesus today, I am also providing his version of the Plan of salvation

The final piece of today’s passage is from John 12:35-50 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

48 The one who rejects Me and doesn’t accept My sayings has this as his judge: The word I have spoken will judge him on the last day.
49 For I have not spoken on My own, but the Father Himself who sent Me has given Me a command as to what I should say and what I should speak.
50 I know that His command is eternal life. So the things that I speak, I speak just as the Father has told Me.”

We’re back to God speaking – Jesus is His WORD to us. We will not be judged by predestination and election. We will not be judged by who or what we were. We will be judged by the Words that Christ spoke, and I daresay, all of the Words that are contained in the Holy Bible!  We will be judged by creation that declares the existence of a creator. We will be judged for whether or not we sought to know him. And, we will be judged by the fact that HE spoke the words, and we chose not to hear, listen, obey or respond. We will be judged on whether we believed or not. There are various quotes in the self help arena. I have no idea of the original author for this one.

Deciding not to decide is a decision in itself.

The thing is, God has made the decision easy for us!
He’s given us the faith!

Matt 17:20, Luke 17:6

Ephesians 2:8-10 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
8 For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift— 9 not from works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are His creation, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time so that we should walk in them.

Hebrews 11 talks of the enormity of this faith! Key verse:

Hebrews 11:6 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
6 Now without faith it is impossible to please God, for the one who draws near to Him must believe that He exists and rewards those who seek Him.

Hear the Heart Cry of Jesus!

John 12:36 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
36 While you have the light, believe in the light so that you may become sons of light.” Jesus said this, then went away and hid from them.

Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve!
Choose LIFE – and we know that the life in Jesus is the Light!

John 1:4-5 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
4 Life was in Him,
and that life was the light of men.
5 That light shines in the darkness,
yet the darkness did not overcome[b] it.

CHOOSE THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD! Let’s Worship:

All to Jesus I Surrender All – Newsboys
All To Jesus I Surrender – by Casting Crowns

Love Lifted Me – Gaither and Kim Hopper
Your Love lifted Me by Ashmont Hill

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Lenten Candle Cross ideas, instructions

I had the idea to create a Lenten Cross, based on my Advent Log from my Advent Devotionals.

Christmas on the Advent Log

It starts with darkness, then each candle leads up to the Light that comes into the World on Christmas Morning.

In the reverse, the Lenten Cross starts with the Light that was in the world, and goes slowly dark, towards Good Friday, when Jesus hung on the cross.

First, I designed it – based on 4.5 inch boards.  There were various upgrades along the way.


My husband cut the boards (multiple times, because of his patience with me) and drilled the candle votive spaces. I did a vinegar/steelwool wash to distress the wood.

I did a little bit of research on burial herbs and oils, and came up with cedarwood and balsam wood – and Yankee Candle has a very nice smelling votive! Cinnamon could also be used.

I wanted to keep the candles separate from the board, and I found a company that makes votive glass on Amazon. You can find whatever you like! You just need to make sure that the spots are cut to the correct dimension!

I realize that not everyone has a handy husband, or their own woodworking skill or tools, so, here is another idea. Buy some votive candles – these are ones I have around the house – and place them in a cross shape.

Here are two other ideas for votive holders, from canning jars you can purchase many places, but there are large selections at craft stores!

These are the blue 8oz mason jars. I purchased these at Walmart.


These are 4 ounce – I think I found these at World Market, though I think I’ve seen them at Hobby Lobby.


Other thoughts I’ve had…red candles for the hands and feet.
I have some heart shaped, battery powered, red, led lights from Valentines day – I may wrap them around the cross for Good Friday.

Whatever you choose to do – do what helps you, and your family, reflect on the last days of Jesus’s life here on earth, and why He went to the cross for us!

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Those Pesky Giants!

A while ago I wrote a couple blogs on the giants that are in my land. One of those giants in my land has been fear. Every time I think I have knocked that giant down to size with the stones of the word of God, something seems to happen. And something has happened.

Couple weeks ago, I was talking with my hematologist, and was asking questions about cancer symptoms on behalf of my husband. My concern was the fact that I had all these cancer symptoms and my husband didn’t have any! She was very quick to relieve any of my concerns saying that my symptoms were not to the degree of a cancer like lymphoma, and unfortunately I probably was needing to continue to pursue those symptoms as individual symptoms with varying different diagnosis. On one had, I was hoping that all those symptoms would lead to ONE diagnosis…not the various things I deal with, but, on the other hand, I’m glad that I do not show signs of Lymphoma.

In the midst of this conversation, I mentioned that quite a few years ago there had been some spots found on one of my kidneys when they did a liver and gallbladder scan and how freaked out the radiologist was. I went to a Kidney Doctor, who looked at theMRI and said they were just benign ‘bubbles’. As I was saying that, she turned to her computer and pulled up my last liver scan that she did(2 years ago) remembering that they had seen some things in not only my right kidney but also in my left and immediately she called for a scan of my kidneys ASAP. 

It seems kind of funny, as I wasn’t aware that she had called it in as ASAP until I sat there listening to the office staff call and set the appointment. I got the appointment for the very next day. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a scan set up the very next day. Only one time when a doctor thought I may have had a blood clot, and the whole time, the technician was arguing with me “why did she order this stat? There’s nothing serious here!” I think she was upset because she needed to stay one appointment later that day, until 4 PM. Other than that, the shortest I’ve waited before was one week!  

While I was lying on the table, in my mind  I was thinking that there was something in my right kidney, no big deal. Actually, I wasn’t sure what it was my right or my left. I was talking to the technician while he was checking my right and I said I know that there’s something in one of my kidneys and I was just wondering. He said “well I’m going to tell you it’s probably the right because I see something.” Ok, no worries! We were just laughing and joking and having a great time conversing as he was exploring my kidneys with ultrasound, until he got to my left kidney and got very very quiet. That point I was wondering was the original cyst in my left kidney and now there’s some in both? I knew that he was acting like he shouldn’t have said anything…and I knew that meant he saw something on my left kidney.

I went home and looked up the most current liver scan from 2016, and sure enough, they had seen some cysts on my left. Ok, again, no terrible worries. Actually, yes. I was called the very next day by the hematologist’s office, told that Dr I did not want them to leave me a message, but to make sure they spoke to me, personally. The difficulty was that he couldn’t get a good scan of the cysts because basically I’m too fat. At least that’s what I understood when told that the photo wasn’t good and therefore they needed to send to me in for an MRI on my kidneys. That MRI got scheduled the very next week.

The day after the MRI, I was called by my hematologist, herself and told “okay, we have something on your right kidney that is lighting up with what looks like cancer. And we need a kidney specialist to look at that. Assuming it is cancer, we don’t do biopsies on the kidney all we do is take out the cyst or take out the kidney depending on which is necessary.” She apologized for starting me down this path! The funny thing is, if she hadn’t remembered something from my liver MRI, this would possibly never have been found.

I went from some benign bubbles in my kidneys in early 2000’s,  to very complex cyst that lit up with cancer diagnosing dye in less than a month.  I just kind of set back, maybe in a bit of shock. She said she was going to call in a referral to one of the kidney clinics here in town and I didn’t hear anything Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and by Thursday I was wondering. So Friday afternoon a friend of mine said, you need to call them. I did I called the hematologist. The person on the phone was disturbed that the clinic had not called me yet. They asked me to wait 15 minutes for them to re-fax over my paperwork, and then to call them.

When I received the scheduling person for the kidney clinic, her first comment was “we’re not scheduling new patients until the end of February can you give me your birthdate.” So of course I gave her my information and she asked me why I was comingin. I said

“My doctor had called for an MRI with contrast and said that there were suspicious things that showed up with the dye to determine whether there was cancer or not.”

The person on the phone said give me  a good phone number where I can reach you and I will call you right back. I’m going to talk to my manager and see if I can’t get you in quicker. Actually, the quicker was tomorrow morning. No, actually it’s not because today is Friday, and of course there would not be any openings on Monday so it’s almost as if it was a tomorrow in the doctor’s world. She got me an appointment for Tuesday morning with the leading kidney oncologist at this Hospital.

I’m thrilled with how quick people are working to figure out what’s going on with me, but I’m not used to this. Normally I have to wait for weeks or months. As it is, I’m trying to find out about a misread low back MRI, why my glasses don’t work(double vision), why I have dizzy spells, and what’s wrong with my legs.  I’ve gotten the testings done, and I’m waiting for the follow up…which all happens to be next week, as well.

The thing that I keep thinking is, I’m not ready to give up a kidney! Surely there are other treatments for Kidney cancer. I’ve looked up various websites, and they have other options, but, my hemotologist is an oncologist. She would be aware of the current options.  I’m trying to play this down. Other people, medical people, seem to be taking this seriously enough that they’re pushing me into a very busy Clinic schedule to be seen.

All the while, tomorrow morning my husband does see his urologist who is treating him for prostate cancer. We are still waiting for a bone marrow biopsy and for someone to figure out what in the world is going on with the medical records from his lymph node biopsy that are all messed up with different names and different procedures and things that had never been done to him.  In fact, he was told by the hospital “oh we realized you had multiple patient numbers and so we combined the records.” Unfortunately it was apparently two different people that had two different patient numbers and they ought not to have been combined. So we don’t know what’s going on with my husband and the cancer diagnosis with him.

Was that enough? There are many other things going on in my life that are typical issues of fear, concern, stress. Right now, Cancer has reared it’s ugly head, and the lack of knowledge is one that can cause fear.

So, the giant of fear. Raising his ugly head again. The same scriptures and the same armor and the same God and the same faith will get me through this battle as it has done before, but this time, I have a history with this giant, I have a history of God winning on my behalf.

It appears that there will be surgery on my kidney, but even in the midst of what sounds like a horrible thing to go through, I can see God’s hand all around me.

I have several doctors that are concerned for me, and one that calls me personally!
Without much difficulty, two specialists agree on the treatment – joyfully!
I have peace!

God gives me reminders everywhere with Rainbows!
A new Friend – Lureta – shared a blog about Becoming a Fearless Woman of God!
Another new friend shared Four Uncomfortable Truths about Peace.

These and others have become the comfort that God brings into my life, and encourages me that I can continue run and not be weary, to walk and not faint. It is THE LORD JEHOVAH that will complete the good work that HE began in me!

 

Jim & Christi 2017

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission. The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.
Some artwork is from FreeClipArt Library. copyrights belong to them.

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Midnight Musings – the Pain of Night – Jan 22, 2018

The Pain of Night

The pain of night has no Delight
And to the Lord, I set my sights

My heart is filled with joy and fear
Because I know that He is near.
Then why the fear if He is near?
Will He choose to hear my tears?

My heart is sad because of pain
It’s nothing, I look to the blood-soaked stains
Of what He suffered for me on the cross
And I think of my life and count it for  loss.

But still my flesh does scream and cry,
I know for me He chose to die,
And by His stripes I’m told I’m Healed.
Why this pain still do I feel?

What lesson in this for me to learn?
I really pray that I discern
I want to learn my lessons well
I want to hear Him to me tell,

“Peace my child and do be still!”
“I will do the work in you until
My fullness in you does dwell
And you are set free from this Earthly hell.

“So tell your story far and wide
How I was ever by your side
When darkness threatened to settle in
And the demons try to do you in.

“But to My face you turned to seek
And in My light you knew we’d meet
The day will come, this flesh will die.
You with me, to be glorified.

“So do the work on Earth for now.
I give you Grace and make a vow.
I’ll be beside you until the end
And you reach heaven with Me, amen.”

What can I say, Lord, when you speak like this?
When your words are gentle like a butterfly kiss.
When I know what you suffered on the cross for me
What else can I do, but to learn to be –

Be still
Be patient
Be loving and kind
I know that my God is in charge of all time

To be more like Jesus is my prayer
And to share His love everywhere.
And if my suffering in faith and peace
Is what the Lord desires of me,

Then I pray that I will suffer well
And that I can go and tell
Others about the Amazing peace
Of knowing that he died for me!

My prayer was that He’d speak to me
My prayer was so that I would see!
If He chooses not to heal
My soul declares Peace, be still.
(c) 2018 MCWildman

 

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,
4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,
5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

James 1:2-5
2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,
3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

Jim & Christi 2017

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank
for the ability to search the Bible online.
Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission. The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.
Some artwork is from FreeClipArt Library. copyrights belong to them.

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.