Tag Archives: Darkness

The Day I committed Suicide

This is dedicated to the Men and women of the Columbus Police force, the rangers at Columbus Metro Parks – Batelle Darby Creek , the Franklin County Sherriff’s department. This is also dedicated the the lifesaving members of one of Franklin County’s Fire Departments – serving the Galloway, West Side, and the emergency personnel at Doctor’s Hospital on the West Side.

I write this in thanks to Jeff Pakone of Indana Biblical Counseling Center, for his belief in me.

On Monday, November 17th, I woke up ready to do my practice Super Sprint Triathlon. I had been working on the distances in physical therapy, and I knew I could complete them individually, but I wanted to do it together, testing out the transition times with my blood sugar and hydration.
I was alone, in the gym, doing my thing.
This was my time to prove that I had surmounted my injuries, and I was coming out on top!

SWIM
Swim distance was to be 400 meters – I did 320 as close as I wanted that day.
(I was not keeping track of times, I was just testing to see if I was able)
blood sugar was fine – I drank a gatorade, and ate part of a clif bar – on to the next event.

BIKE
Biking distance was to be 10 km, or 6.2 miles. I rode 8.42 miles.
I had to adjust for my hips and I rode these on a recumbent bike – in the gym.
again, not keeping track of time, I was testing my ability.
blood sugar was fine – I drank a gatorade and ate the other part of the clif bar, and onto the next event.

So far, so good. Two events down. One to go.

WALK
I am not able to run because of my knees and hips – but I had already sought out spring tri’s that would allow me to walk as long as my average was 4 mph.
Distance was a 5k, which I had done many times before. I’d even completed them within the 1 hour time frame.
And, I did complete the 5k – I don’t remember the time, I don’t remember if I went further than the 5k, but I know I finished.

For those that know about my service dog – Gabriel was with me every moment – and he never alerted to blood sugar crashing or heart rate.
I went home.
I posted my success on some social media at the time.

did bike 8.42 miles(30 min); swim 8 laps(320 meters) in 18.14; Walk 3.17 mile in 60 minutes – then a curves workout. At this rate, it will take me 2 hours to finish the mini tri in February.

Three people posted. Online friends, but not those that I really wanted to have celebrate with me.
And oddly, I didn’t feel like celebrating.

Why talk about a practice tri when I’m talking about suicide?
BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL TIP A PERSON OVER THE EDGE!
I should have been ecstatic! But all I could focus on was how I’d missed the length in the swim, and how long it would take to actually complete a mini tri.
All I could focus on was my failure.

The next morning, I tried to get my husbands attention.
There are two sides to every story. this is my side.
I needed him to show me he thought I was wonderful – even though I had overdone the day before and wasn’t feeling well.
We didn’t realize that my electrolytes were whacked out – that would show up later in the ICU. All I knew was I needed to feel loved and appreciated, and Jim was feeling like I was a needy person.
Just because you are married for 29 years doesn’t mean that you know how to communicate to each other.
That facts from my side were that Jim was not available.

I was often suffering from something, with the various issues I had, and that can wear down a person. Some mental and many physical with surgeries needing rehab. I constantly felt like a burden rather than a blessing to my family. Even the doctors’ offices called me ‘what’s next Mary” because I’d get better with one thing, and something else would break. Odd things…like a knee blowing out after a day at a festival, showing my art! Or like carpal tunnel going bad, and I wasn’t painting THAT much! Feet, Knees, Hips, Lower Back, Neck – one doctor said “You just started falling apart the day you turned 30!” And that’s what I felt like.

I had dealt with suicidal thoughts before, and while I am embarrassed to say it, my family had put up with this illness for years. But we had dealt with it – and I had a very good handle on it. I had a therapist and Psych doctor that were helping me to grow in my own confidence and self worth, and they had helped me to turn around.

But let’s go back to November 18th.
With the core belief that I am worthless at my core, and the brush off of my husband, and my children at that age that they want to be on their own, not listening to a whiny mom( I didn’t call any of them), my friends at work(whom I did not call)…I was all alone. Well, except for God and Gabriel, my dog.
And God didn’t seem to be answering – and Gabriel – well, he would make someone that was more worthy a great pet or service animal.
The pain and anguish of my life was closing in, choking me, clogging my brain with the horrible thoughts that had been in the background as long as I can remember.
As scrooge says “If they’d rather die then perhaps they had better do so and decrease the surplus population”
my worthless mass was taking up precious space on this earth.

I worked through my “when I’m suicidal” plan: written on a 3×5 I carried everywhere with me – and it had always worked before.
I went to Battelle Darby Metro park to try to clear my head – a typical calming method for me.
I played my Christian music. This usually lifts me up.
I read through my promises verses. I used them to beat myself over the head.
I called my therapist, AND my Christian Counselor, Jeff Pakone, in Indiana.
I called Jim and left a message that I was having trouble.
I ate…emotional bingeing.
I had to go buy the food – but I drove back to Battelle Darby – sitting in the trees – in the silence – I usually found peace. Not today.

At some point, I drove home, and instead of going in the house – I left the car on in the garage.
“there’s too much air circulating in this leaky garage – this won’t work!”
“You can’t even commit suicide right!”
“You are such a worthless case – why would anyone want to be bothered with you in their life?”
So many negative voices going off in my head, I couldn’t think straight.

RING!
Jeff Pakone called – and I told him how horrible I felt, that I didn’t feel wanted or needed by Jim.
That all I do is cause problems in other peoples’ lives, and therefore, I needed to stop taking up the air that is better left for someone who can make people happy, healthy or whatever.
That even admitting that I had this episode would be causing people more trouble.
That Jim didn’t want to deal with this stuff anymore, and I couldn’t make it stop.
I was sucking the life and finances out of everyone, my condition had stolen our wonderful home, our wonderful life with our wonderful children, caused divisions in our family, and left me with no one. I wanted the best for Jim and the kids – not this.
I never wanted the kids to live with a sick mom like I did – and here I am! Not the same sickness – but the same result. Sucks the joy out of their childhood.
I can even put in here how it is my fault that the world is not saved…if I had done what I should have done I would have led people to the love of Christ so that they would have freedom from the demons that haunt them at night! And yet, here I am, being haunted by the demons that had come out of the night into my day.
I just ran off all the things that were going on in my head….going around and around and around and I couldn’t get them to stop.

Jeff talked me down – and in fact he asked me if I was planning something to harm myself.
I had just chosen to turn off the car and go inside.
So, at that point, I could honestly say “No, I’m not planning anything now.”
Jeff had gotten me to a place where I could see the lies in the voices…and I was starting to get a handle on the whole situation…but I needed a little more help to make it.

With that said, I went into my house, and got the call from my therapist.

RING
One of the issues that my therapist was trying to work with me on was to get angry at others when I am hurt, not to beat myself up over it. Not to always take hurtful words and actions as a reflection on my personal worth.
She talked to me about my feelings about what had happened that morning, and that I was feeling unwanted, and she said “I want you to get angry at Jim – get ANGRY. You did nothing to deserve this treatment – and you have every right to be angry! You need to talk to Jim! do you feel ANGRY?”
Well, she only had a limited time to talk to me between her patients, so, I hung up.
the reason I have so much difficulty getting angry is that it is ingrained in me that anger is wrong…so, I blame myself.
But now, I’m angry…and I have mixed feelings about this…

I called Jim – and his response was “I know what you want, you want everyone to drop everything and come running to do what you want them to do!”
Yes.
That was what I wanted – needed – right then. I needed to have someone drop everything and come help me not kill myself.
And, in my mind, I realized that was not fair.
It wasn’t fair that I wanted Jim to get off work to come and support me so I didn’t kill myself.
It wasn’t fair for me to ask the children to help me not kill myself.
It wasn’t fair for me to ask my best friend to drive down from Cleveland to help me not kill myself.
Even her husband had said as much. It would be horrible if I caused more stress in her life.
Now I am angry….I have ruined everyone’s lives!!!!!
NOW I AM ANGRY THAT I HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE PROBLEMS!!!

So – what to do?
My favorite uncle did it, when I was in second grade.
A Great Uncle and Aunt did it to avoid cancer.
Mom did it, to avoid suffering.
Mom had told me that they had taken their ticket to heaven.
No more pain.
No more anguish.

Why not me?
I’m too much of a burden – and I can’t stand this pain any longer, inside or out.
The suicide hotlines delayed the inevitable. Yes, I called them.
the suicide websites told me to call for help – I did, and he didn’t want to come.
I’m angry – and I can see, as if it’s a movie, not a memory, me taking the locked plastic tool box that held all my medicine, and throwing it against the concrete floor.
Then, I forget what happened. I have no memory. It’s as if I blacked out.

From Jim’s description of the house when he got home:
I had put Gabriel upstairs in my bedroom.
The toolbox was busted on the ground with many empty medicine bottles lying all over the floor.

The next thing I realize is that I am driving, in our development – right at school release.
I was pretty sure I needed help. Now I’m starting to think a bit clearer….but it was too late!
There were schools at both ends of our development – and I was trying to drive for help.
But I didn’t want to go near the larger school – so I drove the other way, towards Alton/Darby.
When I got to Rt 40, which would take me to the hospital – there were too many cars and I was too groggy.
I couldn’t take the left turn towards the hospital.
I knew I wasn’t going to make it, and someone else might get hurt.
Too many people that way.
So, I turned right, and headed towards the Battelle Darby Creek park.
I think, partly because it was such a peaceful place for me, and partly, because there was so much less traffic.
I have no idea where my phone was.
What I did, was turn down the road towards the park, and as I was getting less and less clear headed – I pulled into an old driveway that had been fenced off for the park expansion.
I looked up at the house, and I went blank.
Even up to the last minute, I was trying to keep from harming anyone.
I didn’t want my death the harm anyone.

My next memory is waking up in ICU, with all sorts of tubes and wires and I don’t see anyone I know.
The nurse points out the bear on the shelf and said that Jim had brought it, and he had left.
I became hysterical – because, in my mind, that meant that he had gotten rid of my bear, and he had left me. I was really alone.
I was getting potassium, manganese, calcium, and a bunch of other stuff, electrolyte type stuff, via IV.

When I talked to my case worker she said:
Honey, do you know what you did?
sort of, but no.
You committed suicide. On the EMT’s paperwork they listed you as _____(I don’t remember this word). That means that when they got to you, you were dead. no pulse. no breathing. and we have no idea how long.

I had no comment

The emt’s had used a method to test responsiveness that is basically driving their knuckles into your sternum…and I had the bruises to prove it.
The emt’s had to pull me out of the car – and my one shoulder was sore to prove it.
When Jim got to the ER – several hours after I actually drove out of the driveway, they would not let him back into the area – and he says I was on life support.

I committed suicide on November 18th, 2009.
I was despondent, despairing of anything ever getting better.
and I was certain that I was the cause of all of the trouble in my family…and, actually, you could ask them, and they would tell you so!

I woke up, and nothing was changed, but me.
There is much more to this story, but the point of this story is that I committed suicide.
I didn’t have a bright light, a visitation with Jesus, or a visitation with the devil.
Just nothing.
And – I have had visions of Jesus when things have gone wrong with illness and I was near death…but not this time.
This time was MY choice.

I took a full bottle of Ambian – 3 months of 3x daily = 270 pills. The bottle was almost full.
I mixed it with various other medicines I had from all sorts of issues. But the Ambien is what put me to sleep.

I don’t remember taking any pills – this is from the investigative work of Jim and the police officer that came to help him.

And here’s the part that is dedicated to those people.
My husband got home about 2 hours after my event.
First, he had to figure out what had happened – and then he called the police.
There is an issue between Franklin County Sheriff and Columbus Police as to where the line is, but a police officer put out a missing person report and helped Jim know what to do.
Around the time that the missing person report was being filed, a Batelle Darby Metro Parks ranger(female I think) and a Franklin County Sherriff were at the intersection of the road. The Ranger had just driven by, and the Sheriff was just able to turn down that road as well.
The confirmed the car, and the EMT’s were called.
The EMT’s – I don’t know which ones – came and transported me to the hospital.

The timing of those two people being at the same intersection at the same time, just as they heard the missing person call go out is nothing short of miraculous.
I had been sitting there, overdosed, for at least 2 hours. But when they needed to hear the call – they were there!

I am afraid to do any ‘pushing’ type of exercise now.
I have not figured out why this happened.
It cannot be totally blamed on the mental illness, because I’d had that under control for a long time.
I’ve heard things about dehydration, even when drinking water….but when a doctor hears that I committed suicide, they don’t look into anything that could have triggered that.

But that’s not this story.
I committed suicide.
I’ve spent all my life listening to a voice that said “you have no reason to live, you should just die”
I’ve spent all my life hearing voices telling me how to kill myself.
When a doctor asks me if I have any suicide plans – I ask him how many he wants to know about…because, when you’ve lived with this voice all your life, you have made many plans.
The point is, I was triggered, by chemistry, the wrong words, and no one to turn to because everyone was too tired to help.

No one can know the triggers.
It is a horrible thing to be so despondent that the only option is to die.
And, I wasn’t even sure that I’d go to heaven, and I’d gotten to the point that I didn’t believe that God wanted me either, so it didn’t matter.

This is my story.
Yes, I still hear that little voice when I am very discouraged about things.
Yes, I still practice my anti suicide plan.
The difference now? A pastor came and spoke with me while I was in Psych care, and he helped me see that my death would not do anything for the Kingdom of God – and I am all about the Kingdom of God and making my KING pleased with me.
I don’t remember what he said right now, but what I remember is that He should me truth from the Word of God, and somehow, after 40 years of being saved, I realized that Jesus loved me.
Jesus loves ME!

I lost my therapist – because I’d broken our contract.
I almost lost my psychiatrist – she carried me through until I got another Psych. But it was because I broke my contract.
There is a mental condition I have that does take over…no, not shizophrenia…but the point is, I was cognizant that whole day, trying to find a way to fight back the inner demons that wanted me dead. And I failed. It would have only taken one person to sit with me.

In fact, we moved to Texas soon after this episode, and I had a friend that would just come sit with me, or have me over when I called and said, I just need to have someone near me.
Through those years, I was able to gain the strength to stand up to the demons – demons that are not spiritual, but true memories that haunt me.

This isn’t written in the best manner – but what I wanted to share was what happened to me – and that it could happen to anyone.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD TIP A PERSON OVER TO COMMIT SUICIDE!
My mom died because the priest told me and the family to call her bluff.
My Great Uncle shot my aunt and then himself – because they could not bare to watch her go through the cancer, after watching their daughter die.
I committed suicide because Jim was told not to enable me by coming when I called.

It’s not his fault that I took those pills – but what if he had come home?
I wouldn’t have had access to the pills(which he took care of later, btw – a gun safe held my meds).
But it would have been written down as a failed attempt – just for attention.
Because, of course no one in their right mind would commit suicide!
That’s my point…I wasn’t in my right mind.
Those considering taking their life are not in their right mind.
I know there are some that do it for ‘revenge’, some that do it to ‘get back at them’
The fact is – there is a problem, and the only way that a person like this sees to make it right is to take themselves out of the question.

Mom’s letter said she did this because she didn’t want to be a burden on Jim’s and my marriage(one month earlier).
My Great Uncle and Aunt didn’t want anyone to have to watch her suffer.
I don’t know the reasoning behind my uncle’s suicide.

But I am sharing this as an example of one that succeeded, until the medical staff pulled me back.
I’ll always wonder if the difficulty I have with thinking, and doing things now is from the medicines I took, or from the lack of air, or what.

If this helps one person understand the mindset of a suicidal person – then I have done what I wanted to do, by publicly admitting this issue in my life.
If someone that is committing suicide is reading this – know there is help out there!
The voices telling you it will be better if you die – they are LIES!
And I assume that those that don’t care would just not make it this far in this long discourse.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Drafty posts – and splitting up

It’s almost December, and I have quite a few post drafts sitting in my post log.

Here’s what’s going to happen.

By the new year, I will be designating different urls for different themes.
The WildBerry Patch was always supposed to be my clearing house for my art, my writing, my witnessing, and discipleship.

I have three other options –
MCWildman
christartist
ChristiWildman

I’m thinking that christartist should be my art, but my signature is Christi Wildman on my art.
MCWildman would probably be my writing/author website.
so, what would christartist be? probably a compilation of things that don’t fit in the business of art or writing!

I will be blogging and displaying art and sharing Bible Thoughts…but for the business point of view, I need to separate things a little bit.

2013 will be the beginning of me moving into ministry with these areas, and I’d like your prayers for these endeavors. This is not the best time for starting up a small business.

Eventually, I will be listing talks that I have available to come and present to women’s groups.

We are moving again, posts will be showing up, and I pray that our lives will be a light to those that are sitting in darkness, or even, just a joy to those that are abiding in the Light!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

My response in Light of a 13 yo’s suicide in MN

A post I wrote on May 10, 2012, in response to hearing of a young girl’s suicide – and complaints that no one did enough:

I survived a suicide attempt…I was considered dead at the scene(beyond non-responsive)…and God revived me…in the ER on 11/17/2009
I know what goes on inside the mind of one that does this….
I did everything I could to prevent it from happening to my mom
I did everything I could to keep Anna from succeeding (can we spell familiar spirit????)
And, yes, those around me missed some things, but I kept them hidden.
Those around me were tired…and made a few missteps…but, in their minds, they did everything they were able to do –
My voices were voices from the past…doubled by some ‘bullying’ in the present…but mostly, my voices in my head were voices I’d believed, and had internalized…and any external voice just made the internal voice scream louder, and validated that internal voice.

No, those dealing with this precious child probably didn’t do ‘everything’ they could…because they probably could not conceive of what goes on inside a head that REALLY believes that suicide is the only way. But, they may have done ALL that they knew to do.

I have had to forgive those that were not able to hold my hand and pull me up from the sinking sand that sucked me into suicide that day.

I have had to forgive myself for thinking that my mom had gotten over her voices. I have had to thank God that Anna never succeeded, and yet, I’ve had to forgive myself for whatever brought things to that point(I know some of them now, and each time I learn of something new, I go through horrible grief, and have to take it to the Lord again).

Bullying will never stop…though it needs to be dealt with. The battle is to strengthen the minds and hearts of these wounded ones, so that they have an armor against the attacks of the enemy!

I think I’m supposed to be speaking to people about this…and the death of this child has stirred up an urgency in my heart.
I will be preparing my talks ASAP – and I pray that I will have an audience – and if I can save ONE from suicide…then, I know that my life has had purpose in Jesus.

Praying…praying, praying…..
~Christi

5/16/2012 – once the mind is made up to commit suicide, it is too late, unless the person is placed into a mental hospital that will protect them while helping them get past that mental state. There is nowhere safe enough to prevent a suicide, other than those places created to do just that.

I don’t know all the details about this young person, except that she was apparently at home, doing normal family things and walked out of the room with the family, and went to her bedroom and hung herself. At what point could the family have intervened? I don’t know…Once the hopelessness takes over, then the plan to protect others from having to listen to you anymore sets in, and then, the hiding, and the secrecy takes over….and unless someone can read minds, it is probably too late.

The time to intervene is MUCH earlier…IF there is any indication.
Sometimes, as in another suicide of a young man, there is NO indication, at least, not enough to add up to ‘suicidal thoughts’.

Prov 16:25 There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof [are] the ways of death.

This is NOT an answer for WHY
This is NOT an excuse for those that ignore
This IS a reply to the guilt of those that didn’t SEE because the victim chose to keep it hidden.
For those that read this, please pray for me to know what I am to do with my experiences…to follow God’s calling in my life.
The answer to protect children from suicide is to instill in them their worth, so that they have the armor to stand up to bullying, and have a positive mental sound track to take down the negative voices.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.
Soon, we’ll have email subscription, and maybe a newsletter.
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

100 Spiritual Walking Steps #38 Choose to Move

Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

These 100 Spiritual Steps are all about moving from one place to another – in the spiritual realm, which effects the physical realm.

The other day, I wrote about a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.
Today, I’m taking a first step.
Today, I am starting the Daniel Fast – because I can’t fast with no food, and because I need to bring my body under subjection.
This is a first step for this year, to effect change in me.

There are changes that need to be made in me:

  • Heart
  • Soul
  • Mind
  • Strength

Mark 12:30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this [is] the first commandment.

Everything and everyone changes.
Moving is Change and change is moving!

Some change just happens.
Some change is a choice.

Change is scary!
Sometimes change is because of a lack of a choice.
Not choosing is giving up your power to allow someone or something else to choose for you.
SCARY!

In this context, CHANGES could be replaced with CHOICES.
We have a CHOICE about how we react or respond to CHANGE.

From our birth, things have changed – in us and around us – and for the first years, we had no choice in the matter.
When we started becoming aware, we started to make choices, and our choices brought consequences, whether desirable, or not.
WE SHOULD HAVE LEARNED FROM OUR CHOICES.
SOME CHOICES DETERMINED THE DIRECTION OF OUR LIVES.

You can choose to move….

Gen 12: 1 & 4 Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee:
:4 So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram [was] seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.

Or be moved….by your choices:

Gen 3:23-24 Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
:24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

The key is – the choices have their consequences:
Abraham:

Gen 12:2 And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:
:3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

Adam and Eve:

Gen 3:17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed [is] the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat [of] it all the days of thy life;
:18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
:19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou [art], and unto dust shalt thou return.

We are asked to make a choice for our heart’s devotion, and that gives us a direction in which to go.

God, through Moses, asked the Israelites to make a choice before moving on towards the promised land:


Deuteronomy 30:19 I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, [that] I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:
:20 That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, [and] that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he [is] thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.

God, through Joshua, asked the Israelites to choose whom they would serve before moving forward:

Joshua 24:14 Now therefore fear the LORD, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the LORD.
:15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that [were] on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Jesus asks us to make a choice, and change our direction, and follow Him.

John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
:28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any [man] pluck them out of my hand.

Jesus asked the rich young ruler to make a choice:

Mark 10:21 Then Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, One thing thou lackest: go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me.

Jesus lets us know there is a cost:

Matt 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

I think of that poor rich young ruler. He’d done everything right, EXCEPT give his HEART to Jesus – his heart was tied up in his things.
I also think about the 10 virgins – they were all waiting for the bridegroom to come, they had all fallen asleep – but when it all came down to when it counted – there were five that had paid the price to have enough oil….

Matthew 25 Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

When the cry went out that the bridegroom was on the way, they all awoke, and five realized they didn’t have enough oil. Five refilled their lamps. The foolish five had to go buy oil – and while they were off doing that, the bridegroom came, the door was opened, the wise five went in…and the door was shut. Not to be opened again. Those that had not paid the price to be prepared, were left out.

The moral of the story?

Matthew 25:13 Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.

Choices have consequences, and determine where we can go.
In our spiritual life – choices have spiritual consequences, and determine where we will spend eternity.

I am suffering the consequences of choices that I made many years past.
Some are visible, some are not.
Some are physical, some are not.

But the first step is to move away from those choices, and to choose to make a change.

Matt 3:2 Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

The word repent here, in the Greek, means:

to change one’s mind for better, heartily to amend with abhorrence of one’s past sins

That is also the first step of salvation.
It is also, the first step for change.

In Christ, I am a new creation. (2 Cor 5:17)
In Christ, I have gone from darkness into light. (Eph 5:18)
I have to choose to put off the old man, and put on the new man. (2 Cor 5:17)
But, thank God – I can do it just one step at a time.
This journey, of however many steps, starts with ONE STEP.
I just have to be stepping in the right direction!
I have to CHOOSE to MOVE!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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100 Spiritual Walking Steps – #33 – Remember from whence ye came

I have spent quite a bit of time these last weeks looking back.

Memories – light the corners of my mind…misty watercolored memories – of the way we were.

I spend the end of the year looking back on the year – and often, it’s about what did I do and what didn’t I do and who did I hurt and did I make that as right as I could.
This can lead to depression – and yet, I do think it’s a biblical principle. And as with most principles, it’s about the purpose.

Ps 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if [there be any] wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

In Barbara’s song, there’s a bit of self deprecation:

Can it be that we were all so simple then?
Or has time rewritten every line?

Memories –
may be beautiful and yet
what’s too painful to remember
we simple choose to forget

God has written down every line of our lives. He has every word written down(Rom 2:16; . We will be judged by our actions(Matt 16:27)…
UNLESS –
unless we recognize our sin – and from whence we came!
We were sinners – and we are saved by grace!(Eph 2:5)
We are sinners – and we have an advocate with the Father!(1 John2:1)
We are sinners – and there are two ways to rewrite our history:
We can choose to forget – and rewrite it by lying to ourselves OR
We can choose to take it to the Father, through Jesus Christ – and have our sins washed away, as far as the east is from the west, NEVER TO BE REMEMBERED ANYMORE!

Ps 103:8 The LORD [is] merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
:9 He will not always chide: neither will he keep [his anger] for ever.
:10 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
:11 For as the heaven is high above the earth, [so] great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
:12 As far as the east is from the west, [so] far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

So, when I look back over the year, I have to remember, from whence I came –
I came out of darkness – into Christ’s glorious light.
God knows I’m but dust (Ps 103:14) – and HE has chosen to work with my weakness to show himself strong!
So, look back, repent, and turn…learn the lessons of last year, and start over!

Casting Crowns – You’re Already There!

Happy New Year – every day!

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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there are giants my land – part two

~editor’s note: while recovering from arm surgery, I am using voice to text software to write my blog.  There may be some strange words or phrases that I missed.  Please be patient me.  ~Christi

I touched on one of the giants in my opening post.
my life has been greatly overshadowed by the giant of fear.

  • fear of monsters in the dark
  • fear of rejection
  • fear of abandonment
  • fear of anger
  • fear of failure
  • fear of success
  • fear of large groups of people
  • fear of dying in fire
  • fear of men
  • fear of man
  • fear of competition
  • fear of leaving my home
  • fear of getting lost

I’m sure I am missing some. Many of these fears go back to fear that came from the “monster in the dark”. I could list these almost, in a tree of fear that grew out of trust being betrayed.  But the point is, once this giant fear entered my life, it had permission to reproduce many variables.

The Bible doesn’t really talk about many variations of fear.

  • fear of God
  • fear of man

The ratio, is quite interesting.

Prov 9.10 The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy [is] understanding.

Job 28. 28 And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that [is] wisdom; and to depart from evil [is] understanding.

Psalm 111.10 The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do [his commandments]: his praise endureth for ever.

Proverb 1.7 The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of knowledge: [but] fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Proverbs 15.33The fear of the LORD [is] the instruction of wisdom; and before honour [is] humility.

Prov 29:25The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.

In just this selection, it is 5 to 1 for the fear of the Lord.  I’m not going into what the fear of the Lord is, just the fact that if were going to fear anyone we should fear the Lord.

Psalm 91 lists many things that dwelling with God will protect you from.

  • snare of the Fowler
  • noisome pestilence
  • terror by night
  • arrow by day
  • pestilence in darkness
  • destruction at noon day
  • evil
  • plagues

Psalm 91.11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

The rest of Psalm 91 tells why God would do this, and if Psalm 91 isn’t enough to fight off your giant of fear, God gave us Psalm 27:

Psalm 27.1[[[A Psalm] of David.]] The LORD [is] my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD [is] the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

In fact, the whole Bible is full of words of truth that tear down strongholds.

2Cor 10.4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.

Another of my favorite verses about fear is this:

2 Tim 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

When someone is standing up to the giant of fear, 2Tim 1.7 is the perfect stone to throw.  What fears are not covered by power, love, and a sound mind?

God in his great mercy and wisdom, knows that in this world there will be fear.  Adam and Eve, with the first sin, were afraid to see God. Sin separates us from God, which separates us from his love, and replaces it with fear.  Separation was never God’s plan.

God intended for us to dwell in the secret place of the most high, and to live under the shadow of the Almighty.

God intended for us to say “[He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”

God never intended for us to dwell in fear.  Therefore, he has already taken down this giant, and all we have to do is speak the truth, embrace the truth, walking the truth, and rejoice in the victory that is ours through Christ.

When the giant of fear comes around, we can put the stone of Psalm 91 or 2Tim 1.7 into our Gospel sling and speak the truth in Jesus name, just as David did with Goliath:

David replied to the Philistine, “You come to me with sword, spear, and javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of Heaven’s Armies—the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. Today the LORD will conquer you, and I will kill you and cut off your head. And then I will give the dead bodies of your men to the birds and wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel! 1 Sam 17: 45-46

As we shout the truth to the giant, God will guide the stone to slay the the giant.

Reaching into his shepherd’s bag and taking out a stone, he hurled it with his sling and hit the Philistine in the forehead. The stone sank in, and Goliath stumbled and fell face down on the ground.

I thank you Lord, that you have given us the tools we need to take down the giants that attack us.  It isn’t armor that doesn’t fit, it isn’t swords that are too heavy, but they are weapons that You created specifically for us. As I said in my previous post, The weapons of our warfare are not carnal… And we do not war against flesh and blood.(2 Cor 10:4,Eph 6:12)

1 John 4:4 Greater is he that is in me then he that is in the world.(paraphrased)

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
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Barbs Drawing

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100 Spiritual Walking Steps – #23 – Stuck in the Middle

In Pilgrim’s Progress, there is a point where Pilgrim is faced with two lions ahead on the path. He later learned that they were chained, and if he walked ‘smack dab in the middle’ they could not touch him.
A similar thing occurs when he is going through he valley of the shadow of death…if he stays right in the middle of the path, he will not fall to the left or right and end his journey.

I was thinking of a commercial with Two chips Ahoy cookies – “Squeezed in the middle”
then I looked up the old song “Stuck in the middle with You” – by Stealers Wheel. Wierd music video…but then again, it’s a weird song!

But the verse that was stirring up these middle thoughts was this:

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD thy God in the midst of thee [is] mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

Isn’t that BEAUTIFUL?

The LORD – First…one has to know Who is their LORD…and this promise is made to those that call Yehovah LORD.
Thy God – Second…you can have many lords over you…but this Lord is GOD – meaning ruler, judge, divine one.
IN THE MIDST OF THEE – Abiding within…

Rev 3:20 – Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

We have to invite Jesus in…within….within the midst of our lives…smack dab in the middle!

As we abide IN Him – He abides in us:

John 15:5 I am the vine, ye [are] the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.

John 15 has much about abiding…and consequences for not abiding.

My thought was about being in the midst…God being in the midst of ME…and the prerequisite that I choose to be in the midst of HIM…such as in Ps 91:1 –

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high, and abideth under the shadow of the Almighty….

It’s a choice…and with this choice, the Lord God – the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth and all that there is….

shall rejoice over thee with joy
He will rest in His love
He will joy over thee with singing

It makes my heart sing to think that this is what my Father in Heaven wants of me…that THIS is what would bring Him joy…and singing. He wants to be in the MIDST OF ME AND MY LIFE!!!

Is Mighty….The Lord thy God in the midst of thee IS MIGHTY…

1 John 4:4 Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

This verse is a mighty spiritual warfare verse…and the key is IN US. The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty!

I pray that each person reading this will make sure that they have asked Yehovah God, Yeshua Christ, and the Holy Spirit to dwell smack dab in the middle of their hearts…and that from that day forward, we would choose to dwell smack dab in the middle of His secret place…in His throne room, where His joy abounds, and we are given strength through that joy. Then, we will have the ability to face the trials of the day with JOY.

Stay to the middle of this straight and narrow path…so that when we come to our final destination, the dirt and grime from the world on our left and right will be minimal, and more importantly, we will not fall prey to the lions that try to pull us off our path.

1 Pet 5:8-9 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Barbs Drawing

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Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Depression like Driving Rain

Depression comes like the darkness of night
slowly blinding, and taking your sight.
First it feels gray
in the midst of the day
then it feels thick
like mud with a stick.
for help you reach out
and to others give shout
but the sucking is on
and assistance is nought.

Darkness falls down
scary things all around
Listening for the sound
of one on solid ground
Comes driving rain
cleansing all stains
Lightning strikes again
and illuminates the pain

I kneel before the King
to whom I used to sing
I wonder where His wing
to shelter me from pain?

Muscles grow in pain,
flowers grow in rain,
Sunshine brings the heat
that on the earth does beat.
The rain will wash away
the pains they cannot stay
renewal is my way
neath my wing for you to stay.
Neath the shadow you do sing
and give praises to your King
the scary things are lies
and demons in disguise
I’ll cover you anew
just as you ask me to
give up this fear of yours
and let my love run it’s course.

I love you more than you can know
but my rain disturbs you so
will you let me love you true
and do the things I do?
Let me pour out grace like rain
Let me see thoswe pains again
Let me show you truth alone
and remove those stumbling stones

You are my chosen girl
I know your hair, your curls
I made you as you are
and I think you are a star
You love me totally
and your heart I truly see
Just look up and you will see
you are snuggled next to Me.
I allow only the pain
that will make you strong again
and the darkness that you see
is abiding deep in me
My wings provide the shadow
against the heat of your sorrow
As you snuggle deeper in
I protect you from those sins
those things that make you hurt
those things that burn
those tears that do surround
that mucky mirey ground

Come to me
my precious one
draw near to me
within the Son
Night will pass
and day will dawn
those horrors will soon
be all gone

Your mind will be renewed
and I can wash you through
My grace will set you free
My love will give you wings
And then again you’ll sing
‘neath the shadow of My wings.

written as given – 8/4/2011

To those that read this…this is my heart…please be gentle.
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 67:3 Because you are my help, I will sing beneath the shadow of Your wings.

100 Spiritual Walking Steps – #10 – May I sit here?

Have you ever flown somewhere on an airline that just opened the door and let everyone go in and choose their seats? No assigned seats. So the biggest, strongest and fastest can get to the bestest seats first.
Have you ever ridden a bus or train, where it was mostly full, and the empty seats were all next to someone? You had to choose who looked like the best candidate to sit next to, and ask permission, out of courtesy.
May I have this seat? May I sit here?

First, we need to look, and choose WITH WHOM we should sit on this path of life.

Ps 1:1 – Blessed is the man that walketh not, standeth not…SITTETH NOT in the seat of the scornful.

NLT says it this way:

Ps 1:1 NLT
Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers.

New International says “sit in the seat of mockers”

King David proclaimed his choice:

Ps 26:4-5 I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort with hypocrites;
I abhor the assembly of evildoers and refuse to sit with the wicked.

Choices determine the outcome:

Ps 107:10-11 Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom, prisoners suffering in iron chains,
for they had rebelled against the words of God and despised the counsel of the Most High.

1 Cor 15:33 Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

Prov 23:1-3 When thou sittest to eat with a ruler, consider diligently what [is] before thee: And put a knife to thy throat, if thou [be] a man given to appetite. Be not desirous of his dainties: for they [are] deceitful meat.

Next, we have to know WHERE to sit down!

I have painted many rooms…and often, while I’m painting one wall, I will choose to step back, and check it out, to make sure I have gotten everything covered. Many times, I am so caught up with the wall I am working on, that as I back up, I lean against the previous wall, AND IT WAS STILL WET! For this reason, I have MANY painting clothes, which bear many of the colors of our homes! I did not check to see where I was sitting into!

Luke 14:8(-11) When thou art bidden of any [man] to a wedding, sit not down in the highest room; lest a more honourable man than thou be bidden of him;
10-11 But when thou art bidden, go and sit down in the lowest room; that when he that bade thee cometh, he may say unto thee, Friend, go up higher: then shalt thou have worship in the presence of them that sit at meat with thee. For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

Col 3:1-3 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.
Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.

Eph 2:5-6 Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;)
And hath raised [us] up together, and made [us] sit together in heavenly [places] in Christ Jesus:

This combines the where with the whom. The permission is granted through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, saved by grace! Asking Jesus to be your Lord and Savior is like asking “May I sit in this seat next to you for eternity?”

Then, we have to know WHY.

Sitting has various reasons.

  1. Rest – after a long walk or standing day, one would like to sit down to rest
  2. Judgement – sit back to contemplate the direction being taken
  3. Finished – the job is complete, sit and take in the joy of the work
  4. Reward – which could also be rest – the reward of hard work is rest

REST –

When God Almighty was finished creating the universe, He rested.  He looked back at all He’d created, and declared “It is good.”  His reward was the fellowship with Adam and Eve in the Garden. (Gen1,2&3)

There are many verses about God sitting on His throne…Is 40:22; Ps 29:10, Ps 47:8, Ps 99:1 and Is 6 describes the Lord on His throne.  I like this description:

Rev 4:2-4 And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and [one] sat on the throne. And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone: and [there was] a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald. And round about the throne [were] four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting, clothed in white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold.

Rev 4:10-11 The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying, Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

This is rest – their lives are over, they are sitting in the heavenlies with GOD Almighty, worshiping at the throne!  God ordained rest – by resting on the 7th day.  It is the third commandment –

Ex 20:8-11 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day [is] the sabbath of the LORD thy God: [in it] thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that [is] within thy gates: For [in] six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them [is], and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it. (Ex 31:12-18)

But, there is no benefit to sitting around…doing nothing….

Prov 6:6 – Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise:

Prov 6:10-11 [Yet] a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man.

Prov 20:4 The sluggard will not plow by reason of the cold; [therefore] shall he beg in harvest, and [have] nothing.

Rest, because of walking the walk, is a blessing from God:

Ecc 5:12 The sleep of a labouring man [is] sweet, whether he eat little or much:

JUDGEMENT –

When God was done with creation, He “sat back” and  judged it. We have the responsibility to sit back, and judge our own walks.

Ps 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if [there be any] wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

God’s Throne is for Judgement:

Jer 17:10 I the LORD search the heart, [I] try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, [and] according to the fruit of his doings.

Mal 3:1-3Behold, I will send my messenger,………….And he shall sit [as] a refiner and purifier of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the LORD an offering in righteousness.

Matt 25:31-45 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth [his] sheep from the goats: And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left. Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
Matt 25:46And these(goats – on the left) shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

Matt 26:64 Jesus saith unto him, Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.(lk 22:69)

Micah 4:1-3

FINISHED –

When God was finished creating the universe, He rested.  Since He has a throne, we can assume that He ‘sat’ down.

2 Chronicles 18:18 Again he said, Therefore hear the word of the LORD; I saw the LORD sitting upon his throne, and all the host of heaven standing on his right hand and [on] his left.

When Jesus finished his work here on earth – His words to the Phaisees, as He was looking forward to the other side of the cross were:

Matt 25:31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:

When we have finished our work…whether daily, weekly, monthly or for our life…we can sit when it’s finished.  The Glorious Finish will be when this earth is finsihed.

Micah 4:4-5 But they shall sit every man under his vine and under his fig tree; and none shall make [them] afraid: for the mouth of the LORD of hosts hath spoken [it].  For all people will walk every one in the name of his god, and we will walk in the name of the LORD our God for ever and ever.

If there is sitting, when the final regeneration is done…then we know that there is sitting when we finish any job…to reflect, and prepare for the next task.  This life is really a HUGE job interview for the new world created after this sin struggling creation is finished:

Matt 19:28 And Jesus said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

(Luke 22:30, 1 Cor 6:2, Rev 3:21, Matt 8:11)

REWARD-

When I finish a painting…well, when I quit doctoring up a painting and say I’m done…I sit and look at it. If I’m standing…I’m still working on it. If I’m moving around, I probably still have a brush in my hand. But, when I feel that I’ve have done all that I can do on this particular painting…I sit. I look at it. The reward is the knowing I’ve done all that I can do to create this painting. And, then, I am rewarded by the folks that enjoy it..sometimes enough to pay for it. The joy on their faces is the reward. I like to sit and watch them enjoy the painting when they first get it. Their joy is my reward.

God has joy as a reward…but, I’m talking about sitting as a reward. As a reward for the finishing the walk with HIM…there are GREAT rewards!

Luke 12:37 Blessed [are] those servants, whom the lord when he cometh shall find watching: verily I say unto you, that he shall gird himself, and make them to sit down to meat, and will come forth and serve them.

Rev 3:21 To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.

Psalm 23

THE LORD is MY Shepherd – I shall not want. – WITH WHOM I SIT

HE MAKETH ME to lie down in green pastures –
HE LEADETH ME beside still waters. – WHERE I SIT

HE RESTORES MY SOUL. – WHY I SIT

HE LEADETH ME in paths of righteousness for HIS name sake. – THIS IS MY PATH

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
FOR THOU ART WITH ME!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me! – THIS IS MY COMPANION ON THE WALK

Thou preparedst a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
THOU annointedst my head with oil
MY cup runneth over – THIS IS MY REWARD

Surely GOODNESS and MERCY shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. – THIS IS MY DESTINATION

We are to walk the walk, run the race, stay the course and stand in our most Holy Faith. But there are times when we may sit…even lie down…in green pastures.

When we get tired, we may need to sit down.
When we are finished, we may need to sit down.
When we sit, we MUST ALWAYS KEEP OUR FINAL DESTINATION IN OUR SIGHTS.
Because of that, we MUST choose with whom, where and why we sit, so that we will be sure to end up seated in the heavenlies with our Savior!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

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Barbs Drawing

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The First 100 Days – day 36 – Empty

Abandoned
like a newborn baby thrown in the dumpster

Attacked
like ravenous sharks at the smell of my blood

Broken
like a window with a rock thrown through it

Crushed
Like garbage gathered in a disposal

Deceived
like a black widow’s mate

Drowned
like helpless in a 20 foot hurricane surge

Empty
Like a clear night sky without any stars.

Forsaken
Like Jesus the night before the cross

Ground
like a pill into a powder

hungered
like a child that has to search a trash heap for some food.

Ignored
like the elephant in the tiny room

Pressed down
like apple scraps pressed for cider

Splintered
like boards at a karate studio

Struck
like a baseball heading out of the park

Stung
like being blanketed in a bee hive

Shattered
Like a thin crystal vase thrown against a brick wall

Pain, in every cell of your body crying out for emotional understanding and safety, and getting the opposite.
Parts that cannot take much more pain crying out for explanation, but only getting blamed.
Why are the sick blamed for their illnesses?
Why are the disabled blamed for their weakness?
Why are the protectors protecting those that need no protecting?
When does love come?
Hosea knows.
Job knows.
Someday, the child will know, too.
But who will stand up for the child?
Who can see past the lies, and set themselves aside and love the child?

Deuteronomy 27:19 – Cursed is the man who withholds justice from the alien, the fatherless or the widow.

Psalm 41:1 – Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble.

Proverbs 31:8-9 – Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Matthew 25:35-36.40 – For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. . . I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.

Is asking for help when stumbling narcissistic?
Is asking for water when thirsty narcissistic?
Is asking for safety when threatened narcissistic?
Is asking for help for healing narcissistic?

Narcissism –noun

  1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.  an exceptional interest in or admiration for oneself, esp one’s physical appearance.
  2. Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one’s own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.  sexual satisfaction derived from contemplation of one’s own physical or mental endowments