Tag Archives: Depression

The Cavern

 

On March 8th, some things happened that really shook me, in the middle of my shook life.  It was like a straw that threatened to break this camel’s back.  But with the prayers of friends, and the voices from a mental health group I am part of, I got through it.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Here’s my poem, The Cavern

They say don’t move.
They say we’re going to turn out the lights
They say everything will be alright
Just don’t move.

Darkness hits.
Darkness that surrounds and envelopes your flesh
Darkness that can be felt
Just don’t move.

This is a cavern.
This is a cave.
This is  a place so deep and down
Just don’t move.

No one is near, 
or that is my fear.
Or am I afraid I might spin out and fall
Where was that edge after all?

Cold seeping in
It envelopes my skin
The screams I screamed in the night 
Are pushed down within.

The lights will come back
The day will arise
But right now, I can’t trust my eyes
Just don’t move.

Where is that rail?
Where is that edge?
Did I place myself in the center of 
This death defying ledge?

I hear someone
“Turn on the light’
We have seen what we came for,
Now just stop this fright.”

But the tour guide is gone
He’s left us alone
We realize that we are now on our own.

Where is that switch?
Where can it be?
And do I risk death to move, try to see?

Someone starts to cry
Someone else says “I’m cold”
We reach out to touch each other, to give us some hope.

Where is the light?
Where is the guide?
Why is this tour turning into a fright?

What did I do?
What did I say
That made the tour guide leave us that day?

“I have the rail” says someone in dark,
I think this is where we can get a spark.”
“I’m right behind you, I’ll hold you on land”
“We’ll do this together, and move hand by hand.”

Single file
We walked slowly along
Then someone broke into a song

But it’s dark!
It’s so damp and cold.
Being afraid to move is getting very old.

We know we are here
Together as one
The song lifted up, and 
Marching on, one by one.

“I feel wires behind the rail”
The excitement caused a rustle,
 “Maybe we will get out of this jail!
And some began to tussle

“The thing we need to remember, 
Is we are in this all together.
Calm down, and steady on.”
While the one continued song.

It’s so dark
It’s so damp,
You can’t see your hand, 
not even where you should stand.

The guide let us down.
In the cavern alone
Deep down in the ground
 No idea if we’ll be found.

The tension is rising,
The hope to despair
With each adding moment
Doubts that we’ll be spared.

“Wait! I think I’ve got it,” 
Says the one in the front,
And with that we hear a click,
And the light is on

The guide stood there
Looking proud as could be
“You took on the challenge
From your fears you are free.”

I stood in amazement
Full of anger, and dread
What was he saying, 
Did he get in my head.

I didn’t ask for a challenge
I just paid for a tour
What is this freedom he speaks of
Terror du jour? 

But wait, all those people.
Where are they, I said.
“You were the one walking
This valley of death.”

I was alone the whole time,
So who did I hear?
Did the dark point out parts of me t
That i didn’t know near?

What is this valley, 
This cavern of death?
Where I could hear every heart beat
And taste every breath.

“Your heart that is wounded,
Your thoughts of the end.
 You are stronger together
And over darkness you’ve won.”

“I’ll guide you and teach you,
But I’ll test you to see
If you have been listening
And following me.”

“I know where you are healed,
I know where you are strong.
You were never near the edge
You were in front of me all along.”

“I sent you those voices 
To encourage your walk
And I timed the tests specifically,
So alone you won’t walk.”

“Now rest, my little one
Enjoy the sun
I’m always with you, 
Even when I seem gone.”

“The cavern is your heart
With the wounds oh so deep,
But I have built a path
That will, with time, set you free.”

It was me that walked bravely
It was me that held strong
It was me that spoke encouragement
And from my mouth was the song.

(c)2023 M. Christine Wildman, all rights reserved.

I have written about suicide, but here’s my thoughts on what’s the big deal.

If you have come to this page because you are contemplating suicide, please dial 988 or 1-800-273-TALK or visit the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine. Some other Suicide Hotlines are on this page. 

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2023 First 100 Days – day 25 – Wisdom and Praise

2023 First 100 Days – Day 25 – Wisdom and Praise January 25

Wisdom and Praise Collection

Psalms 25, 55, 85, 115, 145 and Proverb 25

1/267/23 Bible Study notes will be coming ASAP

 

 

~~~~~~~

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey, In His hands and under His wings, ~Christi Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

the lower half a a woman, with her hand up to her chin in a pensive look

2023 First 100 days day 26 Wisdom and Praise

2023 First 100 days day 26 – Wisdom and Praise January 26

the lower half a a woman, with her hand up to her chin in a pensive look

Image by Gabriel Doti from Pixabay

Wisdom and Praise Collection

Psalms 26, 56, 86, 116, 146 and Proverb 26

Today we see God as a Deliverer, Defender, Vindicator, and a Great God worthy of our Praise.

Proverbs talks to us about fools, slackers, meddlers and liars.

Let’s dive in!

  • Psalm 26 – Be  my vindication ~ David 
    • Ps 26:1 
      • Vindicate me, Lord,
        because I have lived with integrity
        and have trusted in the Lord without wavering.
      • apparently, integrity does not mean perfection – because we know that David was not perfect, but was contrite when sinful, and humble when entreating, and thankful for salvation and deliverance.
    • Ps 26:2-3
      • Test me, Lord, and try me;
        examine my heart and mind.
        3 For Your faithful love is before my eyes,
        and I live by Your truth.
      • He’s talking about a right relationship with God, not walking in perfection.  Asking God to seek his heart to enable  that  right  relationship.
        • Pr 17:3
          • A crucible for silver, and a smelter for gold, and the LORD is the tester of hearts. A crucible for silver, and a smelter for gold, and the LORD is the tester of hearts.
        • Ps 17:3 ‘
          • You have tested my heart; You have examined me at night. You have tried me and found nothing evil; I have determined that my mouth will not sin.
        • Ps 66:10 
          • For You, God, tested us; You refined us as silver is refined.
        • Ps 139: 23-24 NKJV
          • 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
            Try me, and know my anxieties;
            24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
    • Ps 26:4-7 declaring how he has walked, choices that he has made
      • 4 I do not sit with the worthless
        or associate with hypocrites.
        5 I hate a crowd of evildoers,
        and I do not sit with the wicked.
        6 I wash my hands[a] in innocence
        and go around Your altar, Lord,
        7 raising my voice in thanksgiving
        and telling about Your wonderful works.
        • Psalm 1:1-3 KJV
          • Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
          • 2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
          • 3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.
        • Psalm 24:3-5 KJV
          • 3 Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place?
          • 4 He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.
          • 5 He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.
    • Ps 26:8-10 – request to not be included with those who are evil
    • Ps 26:11-12 confession of faith
      • But I live with integrity;
        redeem me and be gracious to me.
        12 My foot stands on level ground;
        I will praise the Lord in the assemblies.
    • Songs for Psalm 26
  • Psalm 56 Deliver me from my enemies ~ David’s Prayer Journal
    • Psalm 56:1-2
      • he fights and oppresses me all day long.
        2 My adversaries trample me all day,
        for many arrogantly fight against me.[b]
    • Ps 56:3-4 Declaration of Faith over Fear GoTo Verse
      • When I am afraid,
        I will trust in You.
        4 In God, whose word I praise,
        in God I trust; I will not fear.
        What can man do to me?
      • Hebrews 13:6
        • Therefore, we may boldly say: The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
    • Ps 56:5-6 The enemy tactics
      • They twist my words all day long;
        all their thoughts against me are evil.
        6 They stir up strife,[c] they lurk;
        they watch my steps
        while they wait to take my life.
    • Ps 56:8-9 God’s position
      • You Yourself have recorded my wanderings.[d]
        Put my tears in Your bottle.
        Are they not in Your records?
        9 Then my enemies will retreat on the day when I call.
        This I know: God is for me.
    • Ps 56:10-11  “I” repeat
      • In God, whose word I praise,
        in the Lord, whose word I praise,
        11 in God I trust; I will not fear.
        What can man do to me?
        • Ps  56:4
        • Romans 8:31
          • What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us?
  • Psalm 86 – David’s Prayer Journal
    • Ps 86:1-4
      • Listen, Lord, and answer me,
        for I am poor and needy.
        2 Protect my life, for I am faithful.
        You are my God; save Your servant who trusts in You.
        3 Be gracious to me, Lord,
        for I call to You all day long.
        4 Bring joy to Your servant’s life,
        because I turn to You, Lord.
      • Ps 31:2 
        • Listen closely to me; rescue me quickly. Be a rock of refuge for me, a mountain fortress to save me.
      • Ps 40:16-17
        • 16 Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
          let those who love Your salvation continually say,
          “The Lord is great!”
          17 I am afflicted and needy;
          the Lord thinks of me.
          You are my helper and my deliverer;
          my God, do not delay.
    • Ps 86:5 Kind and ready to forgive
      • For You, Lord, are kind and ready to forgive,
        rich in faithful love to all who call on You.
    • Ps 86:15 – other side of the coin in the Psalm
      • But You, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and rich in faithful love and truth.
        • Ps 103:8 
          • The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and rich in faithful love.
    • Ps 86:8 Our God is unique
      • Lord, there is no one like You among the gods,
        and there are no works like Yours.
        • Ex 15:11
          • LORD, who is like You among the gods? Who is like You, glorious in holiness, revered with praises, performing wonders?
    • Ps 86:10
      • For You are great and perform wonders;
        You alone are God.
        • Ps 103:8 – 9 KJV
          • 8 The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
          • 9 He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
    • Ps 86:11 – Teach me
      • Teach me Your way, Yahweh,
        and I will live by Your truth.
        Give me an undivided mind to fear Your name.
        • Ps 25:4-5
          • Make Your ways known to me, LORD; teach me Your paths.
          • Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; I wait for You all day long.
      • Ps 86:10-12 KJV is a song
        • 10 For thou art great, and doest wondrous things: thou art God alone.
        • 11 Teach me thy way, O Lord; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name.
        • 12 I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore.
    • Songs for Psalm 86
  • Psalm 116 Praise and Thanksgiving
    • Ps 116:1-2
      • I love the Lord because He has heard
        my appeal for mercy.
        2 Because He has turned His ear to me,
        I will call out to Him as long as I live.
    • Ps 116:3-4 describes the feeling of suicide
    • Ps 116:5-9 The Lord delivered – life was chosen
      • The Lord is gracious and righteous;
        our God is compassionate.
        6 The Lord guards the inexperienced;
        I was helpless, and He saved me.
        7 Return to your rest, my soul,
        for the Lord has been good to you.
        8 For You, Lord, rescued me from death,
        my eyes from tears,
        my feet from stumbling.
        9 I will walk before the Lord
        in the land of the living.
    • Ps 116:12-14 – my response
      • How can I repay the Lord
        for all the good He has done for me?
        13 I will take the cup of salvation
        and call on the name of Yahweh.
        14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
        in the presence of all His people.
      • What Shall I give Unto the Lord by Hearts full of Praise
    • Ps 116:16 Unfastened or Broken my chains
      • Lord, I am indeed Your servant;
        I am Your servant, the son of Your female servant.
        You have loosened my bonds.
    • Songs for Psalm 116
  • Psalm 146 Praise God
    • Ps 146:1-2 
      • Hallelujah!
        My soul, praise the Lord.
        2 I will praise the Lord all my life;
        I will sing to my God as long as I live.
    • Ps 146:3-4
      • Do not trust in nobles,
        in man, who cannot save.
        4 When his breath[a] leaves him,
        he returns to the ground;
        on that day his plans die.
        • Ps 118:8-9 KJV
          • 8 It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.
          • 9 It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in princes.
    • Ps 146:5-9 Our Great God
    • Ps 146:10
      • The Lord reigns forever;
        Zion, your God reigns for all generations.
        Hallelujah!
    • Songs for Psalm 146
  • Proverb 26 – fools, slackers, meddlers and liars 
    • Pr 26:1-12 fools
      • 1 Like snow in summer and rain at harvest,
        honor is inappropriate for a fool.
      • 12 Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes?
        There is more hope for a fool than for him.
    • Pr 26:13-16 slackers
      • 13 The slacker says, “There’s a lion in the road—
        a lion in the public square!” (excuses)
      • 16 In his own eyes, a slacker is wiser
        than seven men who can answer sensibly. 
        • see Pr 26:12
    • Pr 26:17-22 Gossips and Meddlers
      • 17 A person who is passing by and meddles in a quarrel that’s not his
        is like one who grabs a dog by the ears.
      • 20 Go To Verse Without wood, fire goes out;
        without a gossip, conflict dies down.
    • Pr 26:23-26  Charmers
      • 24 A hateful person disguises himself with his speech
        and harbors deceit within.
      • 26 Though his hatred is concealed by deception,
        his evil will be revealed in the assembly.

~~~~~~~

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey, In His hands and under His wings, ~Christi Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2023 My One Word – Let Go January 13

neon letters saying Let Go!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

This morning, I delayed, if not excused, the video I’ve been doing with the Psalms and Proverb a day because I was greatly grieved in my stomach.

It felt like sick, but my head felt heavy, my shoulders felt burdened, my solar plexus felt like many burning knives were dancing there.  My every muscle was tight, and trying to relax them was so far from my thinking because I wasn’t even sure I could survive the “knives”.

There are some situations in my life that are greatly volatile, and chaotic that affect my decisions.  There are people that I have to take into account, and relationships that I have to navigate.  There are wounds that are so deep that they are hard to even vocalize.

Then there are memories, tangible places that pull emotions out of my heart and psyche only to force me to look at them again whether I want to or not.  Some memories are good, but most are overshadowed by deep dark grey with streaks and streams of bitter tears that flow through it but don’t thin it’s thickness.

My mental health does affect my physical health and vice versa.

I am planning a trip in April. There is one specific place that I will be attending, the Psychiatric Service Dog Partners 2023 Convention in Rock Hill, SC.

Another place I’d like to go is my brother’s house in Raleigh, NC.

Ohio is always on my hope and prayer list.

But could all of this be why my body is in rebellion today?

Well, I decided to put some things into practice that I’ve been learning.

Breathe – let go of the tension

Get my internal self more open to possibilities, don’t hold on so tightly to MY plans

Cry out to God for being missing in this (every see how much an object is covered when you hold on tight compared to when you open your hand?) – I couldn’t see past the trip I was clinging t6o.

I placed my worry about the truck on the altar.

I placed my worry about the hotels on the altar.

I placed my worry about managing the suitcases on the altar.

I placed my worry about my anxiety and potential freak outs on the altar.

I placed me on the altar.

This took hours – honestly.

Let Go Let God illustration

2023(C) M. Christine Warren Wildman, all rights reserved

My stomach started to release and open up.  The pain started to subside.  My brain started being clearer, and I could see that God had not left me.  I had focused so much on this trip and all that is wrapped up in it that I lost sight of God.

I’m flying.  Still a few things to work out, but that settles many things.  Yes, Gabby is able to fly AND I still have plenty of time to get all of the paperwork in order before the convention.

So, I start to be almost giddy that God was waiting right there for me to open my hand and look up.  But it gets better!

The Psalms and Proverb for today!

  • Psalm 13
    • Lord, how long will You forget me?Forever?
      How long will You hide Your face from me?
      2 How long will I store up anxious concerns[a] within me,
      agony in my mind every day?
      How long will my enemy dominate me?
    • Consider me and answer, Lord my God.
      Restore brightness to my eyes;
      otherwise, I will sleep in death.
      4 My enemy will say, “I have triumphed over him,”
      and my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.
    • But I have trusted in Your faithful love;
      my heart will rejoice in Your deliverance.
      6 I will sing to the Lord
      because He has treated me generously.

this is almost exactly what happened! I cried out(in my blindness), I prayed for intervention then I was declaring God’s faithful love!

There’s more!

  • Psalm 43
    • Vindicate me, God, and defend my cause
      against an ungodly nation;
      rescue me from the deceitful and unjust man.
      2 For You are the God of my refuge.
      Why have You rejected me?
      Why must I go about in sorrow
      because of the enemy’s oppression?
    • Send Your light and Your truth; let them lead me.
      Let them bring me to Your holy mountain,
      to Your dwelling place.
      4 Then I will come to the altar of God,
      to God, my greatest joy.
      I will praise You with the lyre,
      God, my God.
    • Why am I so depressed?
      Why this turmoil within me?
      Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him,
      my Savior and my God.

Again, before I even looked at the Psalms for today, God knew that what HE had planned for me would line up and the deliverance would be confirmed in HIS word!

Eph 2:10 NKJV For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

I wrote about Ephesians 2 in Itty Bitty Bible Study – so it just kind of jumps out at me!

Even more – another Psalm!

  • Psalm 73
    • 2-3 But as for me, my feet almost slipped;
      my steps nearly went astray.
      3 For I envied the arrogant;
      I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
    • 13 Did I purify my heart
      and wash my hands in innocence for nothing?
    • I exposed my authentic self in my despair.
    • 23 – 24 Yet I am always with You;
      You hold my right hand.
      24 You guide me with Your counsel,
      and afterward You will take me up in glory.[h]
    • 25-26 KJV Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none on earth that I desire beside thee.  My flesh and my heart faileth: But God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
    • 25 But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.

Then came

Psalm 103: 8-9 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger and rich in faithful love.
9 He will not always accuse us
or be angry forever.
10 He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve
or repaid us according to our offenses.

 

And that is preceded by Psalm 103:1-5 KJV

103 Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:

3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;

4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;

5 Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

 

One more Psalm to go for today – well? Yes, God did show up again!

Psalm 133:1-3 A beautiful Psalm about being in the presence of God.

How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in harmony!
2 It is like fine oil on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down Aaron’s beard
onto his robes.
3 It is like the dew of Hermon[a]
falling on the mountains of Zion.
For there the Lord has appointed the blessing—
life forevermore.

I had been holding onto something so hard that my heart was hardening to the Lord’s voice, and I wasn’t even seeing that I wasn’t entering into the joy of the Lord!
Rememeber I said that my eyes had gone dark with despair?
Psalm 13:3 – restore the brightness to my eyes with Proverb 13:9 The light of the righteous shines brightly.

Proverb 13:12 KJV is very well known to me –

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life.

A promise, or a desire that takes more time than I want it to makes my heart sick. Of course, there’s the lesson of patience, but I want that desire. I wanted that Eastern trip. I wanted it since I got back from my western trip.
I had to let go of the big idea when I had to sell(let go) my RV trailer.
Today, I had to let go of the middle idea when I had to let go of the driving idea.
There is a sad in my heart that I’m not driving to Ohio. I really want to see my kids and grandkids. But there is a peace in letting God guide my path.
Proverb 13:14 A wise man’s instruction is a fountain of life, turning people away from the snares of death.
and
Proverb 13:20 The one that walks with the wise will become wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
By spending time every day in the Psalms and Proverbs, I am listening to a wise man’s instruction, and I am walking with the wise.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

old music book open

2023 First 100 Days – Day 12 Wisdom and Praise

First 100 days reading Wisdom and Praise day 12, January 12

Chris’s video thoughts on Day 12

prayer

Image by reenablack from Pixabay

Wisdom and Praise

Psalms 12, 42, 72, 102, 132 and Proverb 12

In today’s readings we talk about boundaries, depression, isolation, and David crying out to be allowed or enabled to complete the vow he made to Jehovah about the temple. Psalm 132 is a song about David.

Then we have the lovely tidbits of Proverbs, in the two part style.  Easy to read, easy to memorize, easy to hide in our hearts that that we would not sin against God.

  • Psalm 12 David’s Prayer Journal
    • Ps 12:1-2 Help, Lord, for no faithful one remains;
      the loyal have disappeared from the human race.
      2 They lie to one another;
      they speak with flattering lips and deceptive hearts.
    • struggling with liars again Psalm 101 on W&P day 11, David’s setting boundaries
    • Ps 12:6 The words of the Lord are pure words,
      like silver refined in an earthen furnace,
      purified seven times

      • I sang this on the video
      • Here’s a version on Ps 12:6 by My soul among Lions
    • songs for Psalm 12
  • Psalm 42 – Song from the Sons of Korah
    • Ps 42:1(NIV) As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.
    • Ps 42:5 & 11 Depression – Despair, but remember to hope in God.
      • Go To verse for depression
        • Why am I so depressed?
          Why this turmoil within me?
          Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him,
          my Savior and my God.
    • Ps 42:8 God’s Love 24×7
        • The Lord will send His faithful love by day;
          His song will be with me in the night—
          a prayer to the God of my life.
    • Ps 42:9-10 God is big enough for us to cry out in anguish.  He knows anyway.
      • I will say to God, my rock,
        “Why have You forgotten me?
        Why must I go about in sorrow
        because of the enemy’s oppression?”
    • Songs for Psalm 42
  • Psalm 72 – a General prayer, good for praying the Word to God
    • Ps 72:1-2 Prayer for Government
      • God, give Your justice to the king
        and Your righteousness to the king’s son.
        2 He will judge Your people with righteousness
        and Your afflicted ones with justice.
    • Ps 72:3-14 – Prayer for the skills and wisdom for the government leaders
      • 7 May the righteous[c] flourish in his days
        and prosperity[d] abound
        until the moon is no more.
    • Ps 72:15-17 Blessings for the nation
      • 16 May there be plenty of grain in the land;
        may it wave on the tops of the mountains.
        May its crops be like Lebanon.
        May people flourish in the cities
        like the grass of the field.
    • Ps 72:18-20 Benediction
      • 18 May the Lord God, the God of Israel,
        who alone does wonders, be praised.
        19 May His glorious name be praised forever;
        the whole earth is filled with His glory.
        Amen and amen.
    • Songs
  • Psalm 102 Prayer in times of distress
    • Ps 102:1-2 – Crying out is a human thing
        • Lord, hear my prayer;
          let my cry for help come before You.
          2 Do not hide Your face from me in my day of trouble.
          Listen closely to me;
          answer me quickly when I call.
      • Ps 39:12  Hear my prayer, LORD, and listen to my cry for help; do not be silent at my tears. For I am a foreigner residing with You, a temporary resident like all my fathers.
      • Ps 31:2 (KJV)  Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me.
      • Ps 120:1 (NIV) I call on the LORD in my distress, and he answers me.
    • Ps 102:3-11  The suffering of Depression, Distress, despair, and even disease
      • Ps 6:6 (KJV) I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.
      • Ps 42:3 My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?
      • Wisdom and praise Day 6
      • Ps 10:17 (NIV) You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, (Ps 102:17)
    • Ps 102:12-22 BUT GOD!
      • Ps 102:13 arise, compassion
      • Ps 102:16 rebuild Zion
      • Ps 102:17 respond to the prayer of the destitute
      • Ps 102:18-22 the declaration of God
        • 22 But You are the same,
          and Your years will never end.
          28 Your servants’ children will dwell securely,
          and their offspring will be established before You.”
    • Songs for Psalm 102

  • Psalm 132 – A prayer of David about his vowr

    • Ps 132:1-5 the vow for a place for Jehovah
    • Ps 132:6-10 recovering the Ark of the covenant
    • Ps 132:11-12 God’s promise to David of lineage
      • If your sons keep My covenant
        and My decrees that I will teach them,
        their sons will also sit on your throne forever.”
      • This is referring to the kingdom of Christ
        • Matt 1:5-6 Salmon fathered Boaz by Rahab,
          Boaz fathered Obed by Ruth,
          Obed fathered Jesse,
          6 and Jesse fathered King David. Then[c] David fathered Solomon by Uriah’s wife,

          • Matt 1:16 and Jacob fathered Joseph the husband of Mary,
            who gave birth to[h] Jesus who is called the Messiah.
        • Luke 3: 23 As He began His ministry, Jesus was about 30 years old and was thought to be[p] the son of Joseph, son[q] of Heli,
          • Luke 3: 30-32 son of Eliakim, 31 son of Melea,
            son of Menna, son of Mattatha,
            son of Nathan, son of David,
            32 son of Jesse, son of Obed,
            son of Boaz, son of Salmon,[r]
        • quick note on the different genealogies – I’ve been told one is from Mary, and the other from Joseph – biologically the son of David and legally the son of David.
    • Ps 132:13-14  God’s chosen earthly home is Zion
      • For the Lord has chosen Zion;
        He has desired it for His home:
        14 “This is My resting place forever;
        I will make My home here
        because I have desired it.
    • Ps 132:15-18 Blessings for being God’s chosen home.
    • Songs for Psalm 132
  • Proverb 12 – several themes
    • Pr 12:1(NIV) Go To Verse
      • Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid
    • Good people, righteous, upright, prudence innocent, honest, themes
    • Pr 12:15 ESV Go To Verse
      • The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
    • Pr 12:18 Danger of the tongue, with the potential blessing
      • There is one who speaks rashly, like a piercing sword; but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
    • Pr 12:20 Promoting Peace brings Joy
      • Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil,
        but those who promote peace have joy.
    • Pr 12:25 (NKJV) An answer to depression, a good word.
      • Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad.
        • Pr15:13 (NLT) A glad heart makes a happy face; a broken heart crushes the spirit.
    • Pr 12:26(NIV) – Boundaries
      • The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
    • Pr 12:28 There is life in the path of righteousness,
      but another path leads to death.[d]

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Praise and worship

First 100 days – day 8 Reading Wisdom and Praise

2023 First 100 days day 8, January 8

Selected thoughts and a song on Day 8 by Chris

Psalms 8, 38, 68, 98, 128 and Proverb 8

today’s readings have many many examples of praising God wrapped around one long psalm of praying out of despair. We all have times where we are crying out to God from the tear stained sheets of our bed. The glory is that there is an end to that despair, and we can join in the songs of the saints singing to the Lord God.

  • Psalm 8 – from David’s Prayer Journal – song of praise
    • Ps 8:1
      • Yahweh, our Lord, how magnificent is Your name throughout all the earth! You have covered the heavens with your majesty.
    • Ps 8:3 Creation glorifies –
      • When I observe Your heavens,
        the work of Your fingers,
        the moon and the stars,
        which You set in place,
    • Ps 8:4-8  Man’s purpose
      • :6 You made him lord over the works of Your hands;
        You put everything under his feet:[e]
      • Genesis 2:15
        • The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 
    • Psalm 8 ends with the Beginning
      • Yahweh, our Lord, how magnificent is Your name throughout all the earth!  
  • Psalm 38 – a Psalm of despair from David’s Prayer Journal
    • 38:1-2
      • Lord, do not punish me in Your anger
        or discipline me in Your wrath.
        2 For Your arrows have sunk into me,
        and Your hand has pressed down on me.
        • Heb 12:7 (NIV) Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?
        • Deut 8:5 (HCSB) Keep in mind that the LORD your God has been disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son.
        • 2 Sam 7:14 I will be a father to him, and he will be a son to Me. When he does wrong, I will discipline him with a human rod and with blows from others.
        • 1 Cor  11:31-32  31 If we were properly evaluating ourselves, we would not be judged, 32 but when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord, so that we may not be condemned with the world.
        • James 1:2-4 (KJV)  

          2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

          3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

          4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

    • Ps 38:15 declaration of faith and relationship
      • I put my hope in You, Lord;
        You will answer, Lord my God.
    • Ps 38:21-22  his prayer
      • Lord, do not abandon me;
        my God, do not be far from me.
        22 Hurry to help me,
        Lord, my Savior.
  • woman at sunset with arms outstretchedPsalm 68 – a long song from David’s Prayer Journal PRAISE!
    • Ps 68:5 GoTo Verse for me
      • God in His holy dwelling is
        a father of the fatherless
        and a champion of widows.
    • Ps 68:35  Summary
      • God, You are awe-inspiring in Your sanctuaries.
        The God of Israel gives power and strength to His people.
        May God be praised!
  • Psalm 98 – Praise for Answered Prayer
    • Ps 98:1(ERV)a song from my youth:
      • A Psalm. Sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvelous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath wrought salvation for him.
    • Ps 98:7-9 Creation Praising God
      • Let the sea and all that fills it,
        the world and those who live in it, resound.
        8 Let the rivers clap their hands;
        let the mountains shout together for joy
        9 before the Lord,
      • Like Ps 8:3
      • Like Ps 48 (NIV)
  • Psalm 128  Blessings for fearing the Lord
    • Ps 128:3-4
      • Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
        within your house,
        your sons, like young olive trees
        around your table.
        4 In this very way
        the man who fears the Lord
        will be blessed.
    • Ps 128:5-6  The Blessing
      • May the Lord bless you from Zion, so that you will see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life and will see your children’s children,
  • Proverb 8 – Wisdom cries out for man to come
    • Pr 8:10-11 GoTo Verses for wisdom
      • Accept my instruction instead of silver,
        and knowledge rather than pure gold.
        11 For wisdom is better than jewels,
        and nothing desirable can compare with it.
      • Pr 4:5 (AMP) “Get [skillful and godly] wisdom! Acquire understanding [actively seek spiritual discernment, mature comprehension, and logical interpretation]! Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth.
      • Pr 2:2 (HSCB) listening closely to wisdom and directing your heart to understanding;
      • Pr 4:7 (KJV)  Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.
      • Pr 16:16 (KJV) How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!
    • Pr 8:22-31 Wisdom Created?  The Beginning of the world
    • Pr 8:32-36 The Blessing of Wisdom

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His Highest

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Copyrights and Legal-eze

Let Go Let God illustration

My One Word – Letting Go – Suicide?

Welcome to my thoughts. I am pretty open and honest about what I am going through.

This year, 2023, I have received a phrase for my annual ONE WORD focus, Let Go.

I have written a lot about my issues with suicidal thoughts.

I am dealing with some health issues.

  • I am five years clean from Kidney Cancer – so that’s good.
  • My HbA1c has dropped to better numbers. Technically, DM2 is in remission – so that’s good.
  • I’m getting injections in my back for a disk that is compromised – so that’s good.
  • I’m losing weight – a comorbidity to many diseases – so I’m moving forward
  • I have cirrhosis – non repairable – leads to a transplant if progresses before I’m 70
      • this is NOT good – and is a terminal condition.
    • My liver scores are lower, by half, than ever in decades – this should be good.
    • I was disappointed to see that. The life changes I’ve done have slowed down the degenerative nature of the cirrhosis.

Did you see what I said? I was disappointed to see that things were improving.

I had the same feeling when I heard that the second cyst in my other kidney was not changing – no evidence of that one turning cancerous like the first one did.

WHY AM I DISAPPOINTED THAT MY HEALTH ISSUES ARE IMPROVING?

BECAUSE I WILL LIVE LONGER.

I’ve talked about suicide. Here’s one of my posts that talk about the cycle and of passive suicide.  This one was written January 2009.  I committed suicide, was found non responsive and was brought back to life by Emergency medical people on November 18, 2009.

Now to today.  When I found out that my liver disease was going to kill me, I was relieved.  You see, as my faith is, I cannot commit suicide without eternal negative ramifications.  I hold in my mind two disagreeing positions.  I cannot commit suicide, but the ones that I know who have committed suicide, I believe that God is a merciful God and will see their struggles and grant them access to the Kingdom of God. But I cannot allow that belief to be true for me, or I will again choose to kill myself.

Since 2015, because of a two month program with La Amistad in Winter Park, Florida, I have looked forward to living.  I would say I don’t want to die.  I would try to do things that were alive and living and helping others.  I was trying to have a purpose for my life, and I believed I had one.

Until the other day.  When the realization of the liver numbers hit me, and I was thinking why am I sad about that, I was shocked.  That means that my life may well be extended. That means that I really need a purpose, goals, steps and plans for the future.  I may be here longer than age 70. Damn it.

But wait!  I was saying I wanted to live – was that a lie?  No – I wanted to live the life I had left with vim and vigor.  And I was content that it wasn’t going to be long – my liver was going to finish me off.  I was comforted by the fact that my body was going to cut my life short.  I would not be responsible for that.

I actually started looking back at the last 6 months and wondered what I had been doing that might have had this change in my liver!

  • food?
    • no – going back to the 6 months ago labwork, I had been on my trip, eating fast food, processed food, and drinking a lot of diet pop.
  • exercise?
    • no – going back to the 6 months labs,  I was travelling – in a truck.  I walked the dog 3 times a day.  Not far.
  • coffee?
    • yes, the doctor told me to drink coffee, but I like it cold so I didn’t drink coffee on the trip, but I drank diet caffein pop, several canfulls.
    • when I went through drive throughs I bought the largest diet cola they had, with lite ice.  easily 64 ounces a day – often more.

I have no idea what I did to create these great blood lab numbers! And I wanted to reverse what I was doing.  Here’s the rub:

  • food?
    • I moved out of my trailer into an apartment, which has hit my budget so that I can’t eat out so much.
    • In addition, I’ve started making my own food – for budget sake and for liver sake
  • exercise?
    • I’m walking the dog 2-3 times a day, and often we go to the dog park area in our community and I play soccer with her – me kicking the ball, doing leg raises to try to get the ball from her, jumping around playing keep away.
    • I’m doing some basic exercises daily in front of the TV to mitigate pain
  • coffee?
    • well now – I’ve gotten a bit addicted to cold brew coffee, and drinking it for the morning – at least 3 cups.
    • I was given a small coffee drip maker and I’m making my own coffee for putting over ice.

The only thing I can do is to stop the coffee – and it really is helping me in other ways. I’ve even continued taking NSAIDS because of pain, and they are not affecting the numbers.  So, I’m cursed to remain on these paths towards better health.  Better Health means longer life.  I am disappointed.

I could be all spiritual about this and say that it’s because I want to go and be with Jesus, which is true, but this is not the spirit behind this disappointment.  I recognize this spirit.  It’s the same one, cleaned up and wrapped up differently, than the one that wanted me to die – to leave this world, and all it’s struggles, despair and disappointment.  This is the Suicide Spirit – just passive.

Passive Suicide.

I’ll be writing more about this, because I have history with several types of passive suicide. I just didn’t know that I was still being ruled by one.
LET GO
Who would have thought that letting God would mean that I needed to search my heart deep and Let Go of a sneaky, stealthy enemy lurking deep in my heart, secretly rejoicing in the probability of my demise.

I didn’t think it was there.
Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Proverbs 20:5 (HCSB)

Counsel in a man’s heart is deep water; but a man of understanding draws it out.

1 Corinthians 2:11a (BSB)

11 For who among men knows the thoughts[a] of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him?

I went through a very overt struggle over December with desires to not live, to not wake up, to not go another minute.  My doctor, my therapist and the pharmacist, as well as leaders of my groups helped me through those days.  But I was very aware of those urges, because of anniversaries and triggering memories.

  • No one knows about this deep dark desire to die early, by whatever means my body would give me.
  • No one knows how I’ve thought about DNR
  • and about end of time maintenance, comfort care in hospice.
  • No one knows how disappointed I am in this turn towards health.

This is silent
This is passive
This is suicidal ideation, as a core thought process.

LET GO
I have known suicide at least as far back as when I was 16, and then it was as real to me that I talked to a psychiatrist that let me know that all 16 year olds had thoughts of killing themselves. I have since talked to friends and asked them, do they think of dying, by their own hand or by disease? NO! is the answer – a resounding NO! And those that have disease look to death as a release, but not a desire. And they have to do the mental hoop jumping to get themselves in a positive mindset that if death is the end result they will leave peacefully, having gotten their affairs in order. This peace, this resolve to face their destiny is not what I’m talking about with me.

Deep down, I want to die. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’m tired of the fights.
I’m tired of the push.
I’m tired of the abuse.
I’m tired of the effort it takes to walk out into the world and try to be a smiling, joyful person – even though that is basically what I am in public. Am I a fake? No, most of me is joyful, not wanting to burden anyone with sadness, but rather bless them with a smile. I love to do that. That is who I am.

But so is this.
And I have to Let Go.
I don’t know what will happen if I let go.
The saying Let Go and Let God come flooding in at this moment.

We are made in God’s image – triune. Body, Mind and Spirit. But, while God the Father seems to be the reigning part of the Godhead – our bodies tend to be our reigning aspect. Our minds can also get so bogged down with negative things that it can be the reigning aspect. And if there is trauma, messing up the healthy connection between mind and body, things can get twisted. Cognitive Distortions come along. The healthy mental pathways don’t get laid down properly. The basic animal instinct of survival of the fittest is overwritten with thoughts that I am not the fittest, that I don’t belong, that I am a detriment to the others that need to survive.  These can lead to depression, which can lead to suicidal ideations.

I am giving up this mentality because it is a door that keeps the good things of the Lord from flooding in.  It keeps me from truly feeling the joy that comes from living my life for Jesus Christ.  It makes it difficult to practice self care – because I don’t deserve it, or it might extend my life – this life I want nothing to do with.

BUT GOD!  I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the promises in Christ are yes and amen.

  • 2 Cornithians 1:20 (NIV)
    • For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.
  • Jeremiah 29:11 Berean Standard Bible –
    • 11For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
  • And with the promise in Jeremiah comes some extra blessings from God (Jer 29:12-13)
    •  12Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 1
  • Deuteronomy talks about choices after being set free from captivity – which I have been to suicide. (Deut 30:11-20 NLT)
    • 15 “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. 16 For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.

I have to make a choice.  A deep down in my heart choice.  To root out this deadly thought process so that it cannot jump up and grab me again, messing with my mind and setting in motion things that will be detrimental to my living the life that God has prepared for me.

woman at sunset with arms outstretchedI will LET GO of the desire to die.

I will LET GOD fill me with HIS light and life, to wash out all darkness.

I am grateful to God that He chose to expose this to me so that I could repent and turn back to Him.

Please keep me in your prayer as I continue to walk this path, and as I continue to advocate for Suicide Awareness, and Suicide Prevention,

If you or anyone  you know is having trouble and could possibly consider suicide, or self harm, Please call 988. If you are a veteran, press 1.  There is help. Some even understand what we are struggling with, and will walk with us.

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2023 First 100 days – day 3 Reading Wisdom and Praise

2021 First 100 days – day 3, January 3

(first 100 days – day 3)

Image by James Chan from Pixabay

Psalm 3, 33, 63, 93, 123 Proverb 3

  • Psalm 3 – Cry for deliverance
    • Ps 3:1 Lord, how my foes increase!
      There are many who attack me.
      2 Many say about me,
      “There is no help for him in God.”Selah
      3 But You, Lord, are a shield around me,  my glory, and the One who lifts up my head.
      4 I cry aloud to the Lord,
      and He answers me from His holy mountain.Selah
  • Psalm 33 – a Song of Creation
    • Psalm 33: 6 The heavens were made by the word of the Lord,
      and all the stars, by the breath of His mouth.
      7 He gathers the waters of the sea into a heap;[a]
      He puts the depths into storehouses.
      8 Let the whole earth tremble before the Lord;
      let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.
      9 For He spoke, and it came into being;
      He commanded, and it came into existence.
  • Psalm 63 – One of my favorites – I’ll write more later.
  • Psalm 93 and Psalm 123 echo each other
    • Ps 93 – the glory of the Lord
      • The Lord reigns! He is robed in majesty;
        The Lord is robed, enveloped in strength.
        The world is firmly established;
        it cannot be shaken.
  • Psalm 123 – the glory of the Lord
      • I lift my eyes to You,
        the One enthroned in heaven.
  • the Prayer for today,
    • Psalm 63:1-4
      • God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You.

        I thirst for You;
        my body faints for You
        in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water.
        2 So I gaze on You in the sanctuary
        to see Your strength and Your glory.

        3 My lips will glorify You
        because Your faithful love is better than life.
        4 So I will praise You as long as I live;
        at Your name, I will lift up my hands

Proverbs 3 begins with author crying out “My son, don’t forget my teaching”. It goes on to talk about wisdomm, and how to set oneself up for a happy life, a secure life. Here’s a bit that is familiar:

Proverbs 3: 5-7 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; 6 think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.[b] 7 Don’t consider yourself to be wise; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

I said I’d write more about Psalms 63.  It is one of my favorite Psalms.  It gave and gives me great comfort in times of struggle, with those with whom I interact.

Ps 63: 1

God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You.
I thirst for You;
my body faints for You
in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water.

Do  you hear the despair in the heart?

It reminds me of:

Psalm 42: 1 KJV

As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God.

Then it swells into a song of praise:

Psalm 63:2-5

So I gaze on You in the sanctuary to see Your strength and Your glory. 3 My lips will glorify You because Your faithful love is better than life. 4 So I will praise You as long as I live; at Your name, I will lift up my hands. 5 You satisfy me as with rich food;[a] my mouth will praise You with joyful lips.

There is then, a confession of belief: Psalm 63:6-8

When I think of You as I lie on my bed, I meditate on You during the night watches 7 because You are my helper; I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings. 8 I follow close to You; Your right hand holds on to me.

I prefer the NIV version of verse 7

7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Psalm 63:9-11 is a profession of deliverance from these things that are disrupting, destroying, and causing despair. Ps 63:11(NIV)

11 But the king will rejoice in God; all who swear by God will glory in him, while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

Do you hear the release of the struggle? At least a momentary reprieve in the midst of the pain? Do you feel the strength being breathed into the soul that they have a deliverer on their side? Someone has their back.  In times when I have felt that there is no way out of the intense despair that I am feeling, Psalm 63 is a life line for me.

Image by Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay

This webpage has been a place where I have shared my history with suicide, depression, and such.  Today, one of my lifelines is part of reading wisdom and praise.  Reading the Word of God daily is a lifeline for me.  If you are struggling, I hope that you can find your psalm or proverb that can be your lifeline or lifelineS.

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey, In His hands and under His wings, ~Christi Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Depression, Dreams, Discussion, Despair, Drama, and I ?

What do you do when dreams come up that bring the trauma of the past back into your mind, triggering the body memories, the emotions, the lost feelings, the trapped feelings, the despair that once led to suicide?

I have several outlets.
I write:

I paint – and try to create peace with the paintings:

I do Bible journaling:

Psalm 23

Psalm 23

But is that what takes care of the issues that are buried deep and come out in dreams to be dealt with?

No.

It deals with the emotions of the now…that may or may not have current issues that triggered them.

There are various types of therapy that are used to try to heal the past, and here’s one I found on Goot Theray about the 4 steps to Erasing the Trauma of the Past.

I’m going to say that yes, sometimes this works.
If it worked 100% of the time, we would not have so many Veterans still suffering from PTSD.

In the general population, the numbers are staggering, to me:

70 % of adults experience at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime.
20% of those will develop PTSD.
About 8 million – MILLION – people have PTSD in a given year
1 in 13 will develop PTSD in their lifetime.

That’s a pandemic!
Information obtained from PTSD Facts and Statistics provided by Recovery Village.

I guess I’m not so special – 1 of 8 million…

Depression is Deadly:

More than 32,000 people commit suicide each year in the United States. Additionally, there are more than half a million unsuccessful suicide attempts. Nearly 1 million people commit suicide worldwide annually, and the estimated number of suicide attempts ranges from 10 million to 20 million.

information obtained from Facts about Suicde provided by Treatment4Addiction.

The CDC lists intentional self harm (suicide) as the 10th leading cause for death in the united states. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/deaths.htm

Depression, D(T)rauma, Despair, Death.

And those hidden memories that come up out of seemingly nowhere can be the start of someone spiraling down that depression whirlpool, being sucked in by the repeated memory, the ugly thoughts about themselves, the words and actions of the other person, the negative words given by others, the ignoring of the ‘secret’, don’t tell, don’t speak, don’t discuss – JUST DEAL!

the point is that once a person is damaged from trauma…they CAN’T DEAL. That’s what PTSD is all about!

There are chemical reactions in the brain – changes – that affect the ability to “DEAL” –
How PTSD effects the brain – great article.
How PTSD and Trauma affect Your Brain Functioning – by Psychology Today.
The effects of PTSD on the Hippocampus

They key is that trauma is once.
PTSD is trauma over a period of time – usually something that happened that the person could not get to a safe place and sensed a threat to their lives. No escape.
Each person with PTSD is different because each trauma is different.
The brain is rewired.
Many times, maybe most, the sufferer is not in control of the reaction to triggers.
Medications – well, most of them dull your senses…think a medical frontal lobotomy. It depends on the medication. It depends on the person. But I have not heard of anyone that says the medication had no side effects. Sometimes it’s great – like the combo that I am on and have been for many years.

For the most part, I can seem functional.
Then, dreams stir up memories.
Then, something happens that reminds me of an undealt with wound.

Last night – I had a series of those dreams. Dreams about someone that is alive, and continues to do things that trigger my memories, and has no intention of working through those memories, much less changing any behaviors to deal with those memories or apologize.

My other traumas deal with people who are dead, or whom I have no way of knowing where they are.
I can deal with those memories with forgiveness – and letting go.
They cannot hurt me any more.
It doesn’t matter that they didn’t care that they hurt me, repeatedly.
It’s over.
It can’t happen again.
I am safe.
I am free.

But to deal with people that are alive is a different story.
Current issues – that cannot be reconciled – they continue to cause repeated wounds, bringing back up the same issues of being used, being unwanted, being a burden, not being good enough for whatever.

Old issues that were never dealt with – some that led to traumatic actions on my part, have the potential to cause the same whirlpool sucking reaction…depending on where I am in my mental health.

Healthy – I can deal with them by the above method – the 4 steps above. I can address the lies with truth – though some ‘truth’ does not align with my personal concept of truth. I will always see myself as a burden as long as people do not have time to treat me with common courtesy, concern, or compassion. It’s hard to lift your own opinion of yourself when others continue to act in ways that confirm those very self images. If someone felt ugly, and another person of high importance in their lives continued to try to hide their face, or cover their face or disguise them – those actions would confirm the person’s self image – even if words are said to the contrary.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

So So Healthy – tired of the fight, but continuing. Trying to pull up from the slippery slope to depression. I try to deal with the thoughts with positives…but positives are hard to come by. and, many times they feel a bit Pollyanna-ish. I don’t live in Disney World where everything turns happy by the wave of a wand. I don’t have a fairy godmother that will send me to the ball where I will all of the sudden be embraced by everyone as someone special. I’m still a nobody – and so many things prove it.

False compliments(proven false by actions or words afterwards, or their lack of validity) – like giving a compliment to try to appease a situation, and the compliment has no validity – thanks for doing the dishes – and I didn’t. Thanks for cleaning up the whatever – you did, not me, you just forgot. You are doing so well in thus and such – when thus and such is worse than two weeks ago. You rode your bike well – when I fell off. Your writing is amazing – what was it about? ummmmmm.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS – BUT WORDS HURT.

Depressed – I might realize that I need to call my doctor or therapist to help me out of this slide…but by this time, my mind is becoming foggy from the brain chemistry, and I can’t think straight. It has been confirmed that I am a burden – by grunts, groans, ignoring, walking away from conversations, blaming me for the problem of depression, or pain, or weakness, or being hurt by words or actions.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. WORDS HURT. IGNORING CAN BE DEADLY.

Despair – no way out, no escape, nothing matters, no one cares, no one can help, no one wants to help, I’m not worth help, I don’t deserve help, everyone would be better off without me.

At this time, I have fought and fought, practiced my emergency protocol as a last ditch effort. Above, I’ve practiced every form of therapy option that I know of to clear up this depression, destructive thoughts, and despair. Now, I’m begging for help – and no one is listening. No one wants to understand what’s going on in order to possibly help me unwind this whirlpool, much less pull me out and get reset.

This is when I’m fighting for my life – and if no one else thinks my life is worth fighting for, well, that confirms it, doesn’t it? I’m not worth fighting for. So, why fight? I have nothing left with which to fight, and no one to fight alongside me.

This is where it gets deadly.

How can someone help prevent this downward spiral?

Listen – just listen.
Work through issues – with a concern to actually work out conflict
Be present – most will not hurt themselves when a person is with them.
Help to go through the self care protocols, the self emergency protocols, the path towards a reset.
Understand the triggers – and don’t be part of the problem.

How long does it take to spiral?

I’ve done it in one day – but that time took a very deadly turn.

I talk a lot about love. What do I mean by love?

1 Corinthians 13:1-8 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Love: The Superior Way
13 If I speak human or angelic languages
but do not have love,
I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy
and understand all mysteries
and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith
so that I can move mountains
but do not have love, I am nothing.
3 And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor,
and if I give my body in order to boast[a]
but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient,
love is kind.
Love does not envy,
is not boastful,
is not conceited,
5 does not act improperly,
is not selfish,
is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness
but rejoices in the truth.
7 It bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

8 Love never ends.

Some people think that this is not possible.

John 13:34-35 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
34 “I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another.
35 By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Jesus commanded us to love. JUST AS HE LOVED US!!! Would Jesus give us a command we could not keep? That wouldn’t be fair.

Matthew 23:11-12 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
11 The greatest among you will be your servant.
12 Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Jesus said to be a servant – and to be humbled. Isn’t that sort of embodied in 1 Corinthians 13?

John 15:9-14 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
9 “As the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Remain in My love.
10 If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commands and remain in His love.

11 “I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.
12 This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you.
13 No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
14 You are My friends if you do what I command you.

This describes how Jesus loved us…laying down his life for us – his friends.

Now, here’s a bit of the twisted thinking of someone with PTSD –
I love my family and friends so much that I will take my own life to relieve the burden of me from their lives.

Yes, I still have those thoughts – especially when I am in the depressed or despair levels. When I am obviously too much of a burden because of my physical, mental, and emotional illnesses, I want to relieve them of those pressures. They have plenty! They don’t need me, therefore, why continue?

Because I have worked through the whole suicide thing, and I’ve become a bit more selfish – I won’t kill myself for anyone.

This took 40 years of work to get to this place – and it still comes up.
I still get confirmation that I am a burden – because my issues do not warrant conflict resolution, consideration of triggers, compassionate understanding, when it’s at the good or so so levels. When I’m suicidal – well, even then, there’s the sense that they don’t want to deal with it again. Making it feel like I really need to make sure that if there is every another time, it will be the last and final time.

I am not a productive member of society.
I’m not even a productive member of our family.
I’m not even a productive wife.

I am just living, existing, with no benefit to those around me.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. BUT WORDS CAN HURT. ACTIONS AND WORDS CAN BE DEADLY.

How fast? I’ve known the thoughts to come almost instantly during a request for help that goes unanswered.

INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS – Albert Einstein

The very saddest part of the person with PTSD, depression or any other mental illness is how often people tell them that they are there for them, but when they ask for help, there’s no answer. After a while, why bother. The actions prove they only had words – no actual concern for the person’s welfare.

Now, I can do the Pollyanna thing here and say of course those others have their own lives, and are not responsible for helping someone with mental illness.
I can say that other people are not responsible for my choices, my reactions, my responses – my suicide attempts.

But there are two sides of the coin.
When there are triggers that can be avoided by someone, out of respect, and they continue to repeat that action…do they actually care? If they know that a specific behavior can put someone into a severe depression, possibly self harm and suicide = don’t they have some responsibility?

If someone runs a red light, and hits another car, and kills the drive – they are held responsible.
Yes, it was the other drivers choice to be driving on that road at that time.
The other driver ignored warning signs – STOP signs – and hit the other person.
Who’s responsible?

Sometimes I need help.
Sometimes I need listened to.
Sometimes I need conflict resolution to erase the wounds from the past that keep coming up and poisoning my present, threatening my future.

Does anyone care?

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Advent – Joy – third Sunday of Advent

Today is Advent 15
Light the 15th candle on the Advent Log

Advent Log 15

Advent Log 15

Today is the Third Sunday of Advent
Light the third Advent Candle on the Advent Wreath

The themes for the Sundays in Advent designate this Sunday as the Sunday of Joy.

I have already written much about Joy, so I am going to just link those writings here.

Joy of Jesus

Joy of Jesus

The Oil of Joy

Joy Cross

Joy Cross

Joy has been a struggle for me, and I wrote about it as the answer against one of the Giants in my Land

I have questioned, but the Why of it is, that I must choose to rejoice – choose Joy.

Joy to YOU

Joy to YOU

Joy to the World

Joy to the World

This is one of my favorite Christmas Carols – it speaks the truth of salvation!

And here’s some updated versions:

More Advent Devotions

Advent Day 18 – Faith

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.