Tag Archives: Depression

Advent 2015 – Day 10, Rising Sun

Advent day 10

Light the 10th Candle on the log.

advent-9

There is a saying, “it’s always darkest before the dawn.”
That saying never made much sense to me. Sitting on the beach, watching the sun rise, the darkness flees to the degree the light is coming.

Pre-Sunrise Beach at Ft Lauderdale.

Pre-Sunrise Beach at Ft Lauderdale.

Sunrise Beach at Ft Lauderdale

Sunrise Beach at Ft Lauderdale

The one thing I noticed while watching the sunrise in the various resort towns is that prior to the sun rising, there is an almost agreed upon hush. Those that are out at this time, even the workers around the pools and restaurants, speak in hushed tones until the sun rises. There is almost an air of the sacred in those moments.

I know that there are those that worship the sun, and therefore, to them, it is sacred.
For me, it illustrates the light of Christ shining into my darkness.

Isaiah 60:1-3 speaks of the promise of light to those who seek him.

1 “Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.
2 See, darkness covers the earth
and thick darkness is over the peoples,
but the Lord rises upon you
and his glory appears over you.
3 Nations will come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your dawn.

Actually, it’s speaking of Zion, and when the Lord will return.
Is 9:2, prior to the great Christmas passage, says this:

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

Jesus said

“I am the Light of the World; he who follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

In the believing Jews’ world, Jesus definitely changed things from dark to light. For those that did not believe, their worlds changed as well, because now they had to answer to this new development.
In my world,

  • in 1969, Jesus came into my life, and turned my heart from one of seeking my own will to one of seeking to please Him.
  • In 1973, I met an evangelist that explained more fully what had happened when I asked Jesus to come live and rule in my heart.
  • In 1975, I was introduced to a fellowship that believed in following Jesus, and learning by reading their Bibles.
  • In 1977, I learned that the Holy Spirit was still alive and well and powerful on planet earth.

And year after year after year, I continued to grow in knowledge of the Word of God, understanding of His love for me, and in how to control my appetites.

Prov 4:18

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

Growing in Christ is growing brighter and brighter, more and more like Jesus.
When Moses saw God, his face shown with a great light.
Which reminds me of an explanation given by a musician from the 70’s Jesus movement, Barry MaGuire.

There is no light IN us.
God is the Sun, and we are the moon, we just reflect HIS light.

This explanation helps me to remember that every good gift and every perfect gift comes from above, from the father of lights, in whom is no shadow or turning.(James 1:17)
Just like I cannot take credit for my own salvation, being saved by grace through faith, and that not of my own, it is the gift of God (Eph 2:1-9), I cannot take credit for any good gift, shining light or godliness in my life. I am merely reflecting the light that God shines into my life.

I’ve had my share of depression and despair – darkness that surrounds my heart and my mind. I am not naive enough to say that the light of Christ causes all those dark shadows to flee, because, they haven’t. Oh how I wish they would! And yet, I daily have to choose to enter into His presence for the light unto my path for that day. I daily have to choose not to embrace the depression that would have me dwell in the dark past, or upon wounds long gone. Yes, there are chemical imbalances within me that God could heal if He chose to. And Yes, I have yelled at him for not choosing to do so. And yes, I have to repent for yelling at my King!

Another saying:

The soul would have no rainbow
if the eye no tear.

2016-11-28-16-42-47

2016-11-28-16-45-35

Those that have suffered depression, and despair are more appreciative of joy and hope, because they know the lack thereof.
I see it as my calling to share my stories of darkness in order to find others in darkness, and then, help them to find joy and hope. Not always do they find Jesus, but Jesus is my joy, hope and light.

A Sunrise or Day-Spring is the symbol for this day.

A Rising Sun

A Rising Sun

Dear Lord, please help me to remember your light will rise upon my darkness when it threatens to take over my heart and mind. Please help me to share your hope with those that suffer in the darkness. For me, that darkness is depression and suicide and pain. None of these things are the promised gifts of the cross, and yet, I know that you have never ignored me when I yield to your plan for my life. When I seek you, I have always found you. I may not agree with your plans, but I have always found them to be the best, in my limited hindsight. Please continue to use me, and deliver me from the enemy, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

note – I am fully aware that most would consider this symbol of Christ to mean delivering a person out of the darkness of sin and into the light of the Kingdom of Christ. Obviously, that happened to me in 1969. There are many resources for such symbolism. This is my story, my calling, and my heart cry – to set free the captives of such darkness as depression and mental illness, and if anyone cares to join me in that journey – welcome!

Song for today is the verses 1-3 of O Come O Come Emmanuel

Advent Day 9

More Advent Devotions

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Depression is as depression does

Depression is as depression does
Is that how the saying goes?
Or can depression just be
And I can choose what I will see?

Depression comes and depression goes
And for why, no one knows
But when it comes my thoughts go dim
And my choices planned, become Slim

Depression muddies up the brain
And makes me think that I’m insane
Sometimes I think it’s just a game
Other times chemistry’s to blame

If left alone, it might subside
do I have the strength with it to bide?
And if I tell someone my fears
Will they fill me up with cheer?

Depression is not being sad
And cheering up not always bad
yet sometimes, there is just no clue
What help for me can come from you.

Biology may need one cure,
Triggers can trip me, that’s for sure!
sugar load can cause a crash.
Overdoing it, though it was a blast.

Pain is often a main event
That steals my hope and makes me vent.
Emotional wounds can lead to downs
But even exhaustion makes a sad sound

The joy of the Lord is my strength
But when ears are dull, I’m on the brink
My mind and flesh are often too weeak
But the spirit of God, will often speak

Sometimes in a song, sometimes in a verse
Sometimes in a place that I just traverse
Sometimes in a breeze, sometimes in the still
Sometimes just a touch to strengthen my will

I have stumbled and fallen and needed help to get up
I have struggled and clawed to not drink this cup
I’ve hated the way my body is formed
But I can’t hate the One for whom I was born

I believe I was known in my mother’s womb
I believe there were plans before my parents were two
I believe there’s a purpose for me to be here
And I know God has saved me to share of that cheer

It isn’t about Christmas it isn’t about works
It isn’t about where you call your church
It’s about knowing Jesus as Savior and Lord
And filling my heart with his wonderful word

Because when the darkness comes in like a flood
When my mind can’t remember the love of his words
The Holy Spirit descends like a dove
And reminds me of his Heavenly love

(c) m. c. wildman 2018

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Pain/Peace

Pain
Sharp
Knife
Breathtaking
Sight blurring
Pain

Doctor?
Support?
Guidance?
Brush off
Exhausting
Pain

Why can’t they just give me information so that I can make an informed decision?

Pain
Wait
Concern
Knowledge
Not bad enough
Brush off

Pain
ER
No help
No information
No confirmation
Just “go”

I know there is no infection from the basic Natural Signs.
But I don’t know what doctors know and can’t make up my mind.

Pain
Normal
Don’t move
Be still
Just lay around
And wait

Two
Weeks
Past
Schedule
Need removal
Need compassion

Pain?
ER!
Won’t touch me!
Cyob doc
Why call him?
No help.

But if there is a deep infection for which this pain does tell,
it’s me that is going to suffer and go through the physical hell.

Pain
Common
Breakthrough
Ignored
The answer?
Wait.

Pain
No pain
Health
No health
Ask for help
Brushed away

But God has promised to give me wisdom if I ask of him.
God gives me Godly counselors and I can ask of them.

Pain
Love
Tiring
Energizing
Counselors
Encouragement

Joy
Peace
Decision
Confirmation
Unwavering
Love

God gives me counselors to comfort and to guide.
God gives me soul mates to settle my insides.

Peace
Quiet
Be still
And know
That I am
God.

This poem was written one day when I was confused and struggling after my surgery, and waiting for the last step of my post op. This was written during my time, in which I prepared for  the finale.
The story of my weeks of surgery and recovery is shared in Surgery Scuttlebutt.

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Surgery Scuttlebutt, part six – surgery and recovery

I’m home! It’s been over two weeks since I’ve shared anything…and I wanted to share the update! Surgery was July 17th. I was in the hospital for 7 days.

If you don’t know what scuttlebutt is, please check out

Intro, part one, part two, part three and part four

If you want a great book to help you prepare for, and recover with, please check out Healing and Hope by Christine Carter. Tell her Christi sent you!

I finally got to Chapter 7. Adjust your lens.

The day before surgery, Jim took me to a very unique hotel, the Tudor Arms in Cleveland, Ohio…just down the road from the Cleveland Clinic.

I wanted to have a restful evening with my husband, and that is exactly what we did.

The outside of the hotel is beautiful.

The history of the hotel is amazing.

The entry was intriguing!


We loved the room.

We had a great supper,


And then we went exploring.
In the rooms that were for banquets and balls, there were details that were amazing, but when you stepped back, you could see the whole picture! Go to the website and look at the beautiful weddings!





 

The next day would be my surgery. This whole surgery scuttlebutt series has been how I could be focused upon the minutia of the issue, but instead, I have been encouraged to widen my focus to see the larger picture, and in that larger picture, I have seen the hand of God.

When I widen my focus, then, when I narrow down into the details, I can see God’s hand, even in the little things.
I was unaware of doing this, until I read chapter 7 – Adjust your lens.

Christine had been encouraging me to be intentional in my healing…via the book.

We must be intentional with our thoughts and expand our vision to include the full scenery we are leaving out.

Here are a few of the things that happened while in the hospital:

  • Our daughter Faith was able to be at the hospital with me because of a scheduling boon with her mother-in-law, making it possible to have the children babysat. She braided my hair after the surgery. Big Picture? LOVE!
  • A dear friend came to visit – and one night, it was so perfect because Jim was exhausted and he felt free to go to the hotel, since our friend Suzanne was there with me! The Big Picture? God will provide for our needs!
  • Jim’s cancer treatment got messed up and he had to have some medicine shipped, and it arrived the day after my surgery. Jim and I had forgotten my CPAP for recovery in the hospital. The day of the surgery, our daughter Faith had been asked to bring it, but she forgot. We were able to not make this detail a bit thing. God took these details, and the big picture was that Jim drove back home for the CPAP, was able to pick up his medicine and continue his treatment while staying at the hotel near the hospital! The Big Picture? God had it under control, with all of our frailties in mind, and the possibility that Jim would not have driven home for the medicine except that he needed to pick up the CPAP!
  • My first roommate was apparently a very angry person. I barely remember. Jim remembers her well. He was trying to figure out how he was going to get me transferred so that I was not with her yelling angry presence. She decided to get up, pack, and leave AMA – he says she walked out of the room, yelling, someone get here and take this IV out of my arm…I’m going home! Big Picture? I know that I felt bad for her, and was praying in my drugged state, but God had already made sure that I would have a peaceful room…the woman made her own choice to leave.
  • I had two other roommates during the 7 days, and as they were preparing to leave, they came over to my bedside and sat down and visited with me. I was drugged, so I have no idea why they became so friendly. the Big Picture? When you pray that you will be Christ like, sharing Christ’s love no matter what, people are drawn to you. Jim says that my character was gracious, compassionate and apologetic for bothering the nurses, even drugged.

From Help and Hope:

I finally discovered that if you can broaden your view – expanding the moments when your vision seems stuck – a massive shift in perspective happens.

When I think about my view, I think about this little house that God has provided us.
Out my bedroom window

Out the bay window….

On the swing and from the swing!

There are parks, and places that I can go to immerse myself in beauty. (these were taken on our 38th anniversary, less than one mile from our home!)

There are many other beautiful views…
My grandchildren, who love to come and say hi.
My friends on the internet that check on me daily, from all over the world.
I just have to look outside of myself – see the big picture, and then, I can drill down the focus and see the beauty of a butterfly, a vine ripe tomato plucked by my grandson, or a marigold that he brings me to cheer me up.

Looking at the big picture reminds me that

  • Even though there is pain…there is no infection.
  • Even though there is pain, there is no cancer.
  • Even though there is limited mobility, THERE IS MOBILITY!

The choice is to be grateful, to acknowledge my blessings, and then, my heart is content!

Isn’t that like looking at the stars and seeing HIS handiwork….

Psalm 19:1 King James Version (KJV)
19 The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork.

and after reading the whole of Psalm 19, I drill down to MY response:

Psalm 19:14 King James Version (KJV)
14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Part of adjusting my lens also deals with my mental illnesses – depression, PTSD, and anxiety. When I am in a ‘normal’ state, I feel – MUCH.
But I have been drugged…to help me not feel the pain.
I appreciate the “not feeling” pain, as much as the meds were able to help, but this also effects my emotional state, which is tied to the mental illnesses.

One of the concerns for this journey has been the chemical upset that the various medications will cause to my mental health. Even if one didn’t have mental illnesses, the normal mental person would have struggles with depression and being homebound and such. Therefore, we took measures to insure that I would not succumb to the enemy of my mind.

Just the other day, I read a blog by a dear lady that is also struggling with mental illnesses, and writes about her struggle. She opened my eyes to one of the things that I was experiencing…numbness. What is normal for us is to FEEL – BIG. Take that away, and we don’t feel alive. This can bring in some other issues, for me, such as cutting and bingeing…just to feel. These are some of my enemies.

Katie wrote Wait in the Middle, that so clearly explains this strange situation that effects those of us with emotional issues. I encourage you to go read this!

Back to the book, Help and Hope …I prepared.
I saw the big picture – I have illnesses that need medication.
I saw the big problem – without addressing it, I could relapse into suicidal depression.
I made small, detailed plans – meds were laid out for three weeks, photos of joy were put into photo albums, music to encourage was downloaded, a cd player was set up in my bedroom, and my medical providers were aware of the situation.

Have I had thoughts? not of suicide, Praise God – but I’ve started to have a pity party or two…and by being prepared, I was able to stop that party!
Have I gotten down? yes – and I started counting my blessings, because they were all around me…so the enemy couldn’t lie!
Have I had pain? Yes, and I was able to quote verse as things were being taken care of…to mentally handle the pain.

No matter where you find yourself in this journey, there are those that are willing to help!
In Surgery Scuttlebutt, part two, I talked about how I was afraid I’d be alone…and I have not been!

I hope that you have found something in my story to help you in yours. I have one more blog to share with you the various other things that I have learned…please stay tuned!

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Introducing BlackWaterFalls Testimony – a book in progress

Why write a book about my past? is it relevant?
The purpose of this book is to shine a light on Darkness that is in our midst. Children are sexually abused every single day and it is ignored. Currently there’s even political people saying that it is okay for an adult to have sex with a child if a child is consenting. This absolutely blows my mind. How can a 12 month old, 18 month old, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 year old(for me, to age 12) actually know what they’re consenting to in the realm of sexual interactions.?

Think the church is safe? I tried to hide out in the church! Protect my children in the church!

And then there’s the church. Because the church is spotless and pure obviously there is no childhood sexual abuse within here! At least that was the false believe until we saw the Catholic Church go through serious problems with priests and nuns, and then the various Protestant churches, and then even in a group that we were part of that was very very intent on keeping girls and boys apart until marriage, it was exposed that the leader and his brother had had sexual situations with secretaries and children who were entrusted to him in his ministry.

What is my purpose? What is my goal?

I hope that my story can be used to take what has been whispered in Dark Places, in secret and shout it from the rooftops to bring truth and light into that darkness. It is because of knowing this truth and bringing this truth and shining the light of God’s word onto it in my life that I have been able to overcome. I hope, and I pray, that this book will help others to seek out the truth, release themselves from the guilt and shame, and even get to the point that they can forgive their abuser so that they are completely released from the chains of Darkness.

The break through came while I was hospitalized when the memories resurfaced.  Yes, there was a memory there for years, like one of those little tags at the back of the shirt that is irritating, but you ignore it.

For those that may wonder – the memories were confirmed by 6 different people – all of whom have gone on to their eternal reward.  

Here’s the Summary – created for a writing conference:

My Blackwater Falls Testimony, by M. Christine Wildman

The painting “Blackwater Falls” illustrates the river of my life journey.  The river journeys from hidden abuses, to a chaotic childhood and Christian confusion crashing me about in rock strewn rapids of teenage responsibility.  I am placed into a precarious life as a woman, with five children, and a marriage on the rocks, and I am propelled towards the waterfall plummet that ends in a violent crash.     The onslaught of repressed memories, the rejection from the church and family, and repeated self abuse issues threaten my ability to survive to serve God again.

How does a child handle 13 years of sexual abuse? What does that do to a teen as she looks forward to a future? Can a marriage make it with millions of IEDs lying in wait to destroy every tenet of trust? Can a human being learn to trust a God that allowed such things to happen?  And can a suicidal, mentally ill person become whole again?

As I learned to apply scripture to my situations, I learned to be still in the storms, embrace the storms, and even dive into the storms to obtain the nourishment for my recovery.  On the other side of the valley of the shadow of death, God is setting up a table for me in the presence of my enemies. It’s my job to walk with Him in the valley, so that I can get to the party!

Here is the painting that came out of me, and helped to set me free:

I’ll make a page to link the updates for this book…and I’d love to have your input!

 
Hi! Thanks for coming!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

surgery scuttlebutt, part four

Definition of scuttlebutt
1 a : a cask on shipboard to contain fresh water for a day’s use
b : a drinking fountain on a ship or at a naval or marine installation
2 : rumor, gossip

I’m not really planning on this being gossip, or rumor…but, hopefully a drink of fresh water.
Think of this as the Naval equivalent of a water cooler conversation.

My surgery is scheduled for July 17th, 2018.

In this book, Help and Hope while you are healing…no, I don’t get any kickbacks…just the pleasure of sharing this powerful book with anyone that will listen, Christine shares about discovering your passion and purpose.

For Christine’s Story about her book, read her blog, A story about a book!

Chapter 3 is managing the pain…great tool for planning ahead.
Chapter 4 is find your people.
Chapter 5 is discovering your passion and purpose…which I talked about in part three.

I wasn’t done sharing how God has led me through this surgery/cancer/move thing!
I wrote about The End is near in March…updated it a bit in April, and there is a huge list of things I should update to this blog!

here’s part of that hand of God orchestrating my life, to create a beautiful symphony!

I was chatting with a young lady that is training a YWAM to be a missionary.
She was sharing with me how the Lord have been guiding her, and what a joy it is to be in the place which God had planned.

here’s my comment:

One very large prayer is being answered. I am at the church the God called me to 2 years ago. God set me up for going back to the church, by having the pastor be at a doctors appointment that I was at, and I recognized him and I prayed for him.
So I have been able to tell them that I was there when he announced his vision for ministering to the unchurched, the marginalized, and the under cared for in this area. And he was stating that two years ago when I was here helping with my daughter while she had their third baby. At that time they had been praying for a church building, as they were meeting in the back of some government offices. I’ve been praying for this church and for their vision and for the Lord to provide this new church building well new to them because it’s a church building that another church is moving out of, but I’ve been praying for 2 years.

When Faith, our daughter, was telling me about this house that God wanted us to move into, one of the things she said was “oh by the way, your church is just around the corner from your house. Around the corner here does not mean always around the corner, the church is just around the corner on Bears den road” (less Than 3 miles away from our house). That is, the new church building that we are going to be renovating the inside and such and the first sermon is supposed to be the first Sunday in September!!!

THIS was just about the clincher to my saying yes to this house. There are so many other things…but this was KEY!

The other thing, it is such a blessing to sit under a pastor that preaches from God’s word. The United States has so many churches and there are many whose pastors do not preach the word of God. At some point God is going to pour out his judgement on America because we have been given so much in the way of his word, and freedom to live under his word and to share his word. This current generation in our country, has gotten the heart that says if he’s not going to correct me now he’s not going to say anything so go on and sin because God’s not watching. There’s a verse of scripture verse, the talks about that.

Yes, this is me…can’t keep me from stating something about the spiritual needs of the people around me…AND ME!

So what’s the big news about this? It’s that the Lord has allowed us to meet people from the church, and have a real connection between the pastor and his wife, right before I end up going into surgery! There are people in this church that will know of me and that know how to pray to God, how to pray the scriptures, and how to lift me up as I am lying unconscious on the surgery table.

I have had peace about the surgery and the surgeon all along, because I believe God set that up, but now on top of the peace, my heart is again, bursting with joy, that God had my church family planned out for this time, 2 years ago!

the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and He Delights in his ways! Though he fall he shall not be cast down, but the Lord holds him up with his right hand.

The points.

  • 2 years ago – I met a chiropractor, Suzanne Shaw, that shared with me about her church.
  • I attended while staying here for three months to enjoy my daughter and her sons.
  • The pastor shared his vision, his leading, his confidence that God had provided a church building for them, in which to reach and minister to more people!
  • My heart was touched…and I hated going back to Florida, because we did not have a church there at the time.
  • Two years go by, I’ve prayed for the church, but not had contact, other than visits with Dr Shaw when I’ve been here.
  • The Lord provides a house for our daughter and son-in-law.
  • The Lord provides a house for us, right next to their property.
  • The Lord planted all of us within easy driving of the new church building.
  • The Lord put the pastor and I at the doctors at the same time!
  • I attend my first service, and he is preaching on covenant…being covenant minded, knowing who we are in Christ and why…speaking life with my tongue, NOT DEATH!! timely message!

Here’s the church website, for Greater Life.
You can follow the instructions on obtaining the podcasts at the greater life website.

The specific sermons are in the Summer of Spiritual Growth, Covenant. So far, there are two parts…though he’s wondering about doing a third next Sunday.
On the youversion app, under events, search for greater life church – boardman. there you will find the notes for these sermons!

What has this to do with my surgery?
Well, to be honest, I would not have moved to Ohio if it weren’t for the cancer.
I would not be having surgery in Cleveland Clinic, if it weren’t for my daughter, and the house near her.
I would not be attending this church if I were in Florida.

My purpose.
There are several.

  • To be in a living church to serve.
  • To be in close contact with my children and grandchildren.
  • To share the gospel.
  • To write my story.
  • To serve others and help them to know the peace that passes understanding that is Christ Jesus

Now, a quick touch on chapter 6 – honor your healing. This chapter was NOT what I expected.
Christine set me up!

“the following exercise will help you find your worth in what may feel like wreckage. Instead of wallowing in all the things you cannot do and the ways you feel you are failing, how about you focus on those things you can do and celebrate that?”

28 years of therapy, if not more…and not one has gotten me to do this exercise.
I’m going through this innocent little book…thinking about how I do need to focus upon honoring the pain, so that I don’t undo the surgery(unlike the pelvic lift surgery in which I lifted things too early and felt the ties inside tear!).

“You are not without purpose in who you are and what you can do. We’ve established many ways for you to discover that truth, and I want you to find more!”

Thanks, Christine! You snuck that one in on me!
Seriously…the exercise had you write the gifts that I have that I love.
She has 10 lines.
Turn the page, AND SHE HAS ME FIGURE OUT A PURPOSE FOR EACH GIFT!!!
So, not only have I done an exercise that therapists have begged me to do for decades…I HAVE CREATED AN ACTION PLAN FOR THOSE GIFTS!

If that wasn’t sneaky enough…she inserts poetry here and there…and this one is titled “You are beautiful”.
She follows that poem with Psalm 139:14
Psalm 139:14 King James Version (KJV)

14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Those that know me know that if you really want to get my attention…speak scripture!!!
So, I yeild!

And please, join me in worship!!

Beautiful Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli  

I cannot do this without my relationship with Jesus. I did not say BELIEF in Jesus…that’s not enough. I needed a REAL relationship…and that is what HE wants with us. if you are interested, follow these links!

Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Surgery Scuttlebutt, part three

Definition of scuttlebutt
1 a : a cask on shipboard to contain fresh water for a day’s use
b : a drinking fountain on a ship or at a naval or marine installation
2 : rumor, gossip

I’m not really planning on this being gossip, or rumor…but, hopefully a drink of fresh water.
Think of this as the Naval equivalent of a water cooler conversation.

My surgery is scheduled for July 17th, 2018.

In part two I mentioned that I am finding some of my people on facebook. Ok, don’t look so horrified! There are many of us Christians that are trying to shine a light into the darkness of social media. BTW, with the live streaming…how do you think God is going to have Revelation 11 fulfilled? The part where the whole world will be able to see it????

Ok, back to my story.

In this book, Help and Hope while you are healing…no, I don’t get any kickbacks…just the pleasure of sharing this powerful book with anyone that will listen, Christine shares about discovering your passion and purpose.

Chapter 3 is managing the pain…great tool for planning ahead.
Chapter 4 is find your people.

In the midst of finding my people, I have also settled into my passion.
I want to share a few chats I’ve had with a couple friends lately…and, a bit about what God is preparing in me.

A dear friend from the early 2000’s had remained my friend. And, God was so gracious to reconnect us on facebook.

Here’s our chat…mostly my part:

When I was in ICU after my suicide, Jim played music on my phone right next to my bed for hours. I believe that is what pullws me back from the brink.

I know when I don’t listen to my music and read my scriptures my mind starts picking up with the world puts out there and then I’m a mess.

Friend: You have been an inspiration to many as you openly share your trials and triumphs. I thank God for you

Oh dear friend, thank you so much for saying that. I have had people tell me I ought not share so much so openly. But in my mind, one of the tools that the devil tries to destroy me with is to silence me, and how much better to give him a black eye and silence him by telling others that they can have Victory in Jesus!

Oh Shirley, I love you so much! Our time there at Cross Creek with a very very tumultuous time and yet out of that tumult cut me such a friend as you and I praise him for his amazing way of orchestrating multiple things! I am so thankful that he brought you into my life! And then brought you back via Facebook!

I have doubted that my story has any power…I know that my story talks about how the devil tried to destroy me…and I was in cahoots with him! I know that my story helps those that are abused, in chronic pain, depressed, anxious, struggling with life’s pressures. And even then, in my mind, I hear….”no one cares…shut up”.

Passion – to share my story to give other’s hope!

Sometimes, i ask why…give me a glimpse into the purpose.
I KNOW there is a purpose…
I KNOW that my Father only plans good for me…
I KNOW that whatever comes to me has to go through my Father’s hand first…
My Father is the father of lights…

We quote James 1:17

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

and we focus upon the good…the gift…perfect is missed….
perfect
PERFECT – complete…fulfilled…HIS PLAN!

Isaiah 55:10-11 King James Version (KJV)

10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Are we so much better than Job…who walked perfectly before the Lord…and endured great loss, to be made even MORE perfect…and to be put into our lives as an example of how to go through trials?

Jehovah God is NOT a Santa Clause…the scriptures about ask what you will and it shall be….ARE PART OF THE WHOLE SCRIPTURE!!! you have not because you ask amiss….

James 4:2-3 New International Version (NIV)

2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

have I asked God to heal me?
yes.
Have I claimed my healing as per the scriptures?
yes.
Do I think that God has abandoned me because I have to have surgery?
Oh, Lord, NO!!! God orchestrated this whole move so that I would have the BEST surgeon…and, honestly, if he had miraculously healed me, there is much that I would not have learned. These last 7 months have been full of fruit and meat and even some milk of the word that has caused me to grow.

Continued chat with my friend Shirley – who was talking bout how she had learned to lean on Jesus during her trials,and felt him closer than ever.
Me:

I know what you mean! It has been years since I have felt a very close relationship with Jesus, and I’ve always been close but there was something not quite the same. And I’ve been seeking his face about a lot of things this year, yeah, going from January planning on teaching in a church down in Florida and by the first week of March I’m moving to Ohio and everything in between and finding out about cancer and knowing that the Jim’s prostate cancer journey is not over yet and etc., etc., etc. This morning I woke up and it was as if Jesus was right here with me and God was just talking to me and I hadn’t felt that in years.

Such a sweet experience! I was asking Jesus about a few things, and it felt like he came in my room and sat down on my bed and was talking to me. Just like having a friend, an old friend, sit and talk to you, and listen, and full love, and no judgement. Ah, I wish my heart would be more open to this type of visit with Jesus! Anyway…

One of the things I’m learning is that he put me here for a reason oh, and one of those reasons is to be a Godly influence in my grandchildren and my children’s lives. On top of that, I am having to learn that he is the one that orders my steps and I need to be grateful humble and patient with those steps.

Another thing I’ve just learned, and I need to write this up on my next surgery scuttlebutt blog, is that the fear that I had that I would not do what I need to do for the recovery was me putting my trust in me. And obviously knowing that I am not trustworthy!
I haven’t feared the hospital, the doctor, the surgery, and I know that God’s in control of all of this, but I was freaking out about whether or not I was going to walk through the recovery to glorify him and with integrity.
I am very familiar with my failures and my weaknesses and I know that I get very tired of hurting and not being able to take care of myself.

All of the sudden I realized who I was putting my trust in for the recovery! And it wasn’t God! So I am laying that down at the altar and asking him to reign and rule over the recovery, and literally, today has been the first day that I’ve been at peace about the recovery. I am so grateful that he drew me to him when I was 9 years old, and he placed people in my life all along that spoke life into my being so that when the trials came I knew who was in the boat with me!

My view of Job was that God needed to take him down a little notch…and I am in no way equating myself with Job…perfect in all his ways, but i think God needed to put me in this position to learn, to see, that I was trusting in myself…NOT in HIM!

Psalm 20:7 King James Version (KJV)

7 Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the Lord our God.

Is 31:3

Woe to them that go down to Egypt for help; and stay on horses, and trust in chariots, because they are many; and in horsemen, because they are very strong; but they look not unto the Holy One of Israel, neither seek the LORD!

There are many sermons about trusting in the flesh and not in God…though, being of the mindset that I am responsible for my choices, and that while my salvation is secure, I want to do right by God in all my words…

One of my heart cries is this:
Psalm 19:14 King James Version (KJV)

14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

My fear was that I would fail.
My fear is/was that I would not live the fruit of the spirit in recovery.
My fear is that I would not be diligent in my care during the recovery.
and, I’ve written that I have had fear that I would be alone.

As I said to my grandson the other day…I am never alone…Jesus will not leave me nor forsake me!

MY PASSION?
to live for Christ, all the days, moments, of my life.
to glorify HIM in all I do…in a manner that shares his light and his love!

MY PURPOSE?
to tell my story…

PEACE…PEACE…PEACE...in my heart that keeps my heart and mind in Christ Jesus!

worship with me!

If you don’t know Jesus the way I do…here’s some links:
Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Fifth Sunday in Lent – It Is Finished – Guest Post

Lent Devotions

Lent Week Four started March 5,
and Week five started March 11. I’m so sorry for the delay – thank you for your patience with me as we prepare to move!

Please welcome our Guest Post for Fifth Sunday in Lent  – from Fresh Grace for Today author Susan Parish
I read her blog on It Is Finished, and it is everything that I would want to say, and I’m afraid I would plagiarize her, therefore, I asked to share it with you! She graciously agreed!

~~~~~~~Guest Post~~~~~~~

Blog Posts

It is Finished

by

Susan Parish

–

March 20, 2018
 
 

He said, “It is finished!” And bowing his head, he gave up his spirit.

Who would have thought the words, ‘It is finished’ would be so powerful?

We’ve actually heard them often.

He said, “It is finished!” And bowing his head, he gave up his spirit.

Who would have thought the words, ‘It is finished’ would be so powerful?

We’ve actually heard them often.

It is finished! My room’s clean. Can I play my game now?
It is finished! My homework’s done! May I have my phone back now?
It is finished! My dinner’s gone! Can I have dessert?
It is finished! My assignment’s complete. Maybe now I can get a good night’s sleep.
It is finished! My project is ready. And just in the nick of time.
It is finished! The house is finally clean! Whew!
It is finished! The children are out the door! And on time for a change.

But, when Jesus spoke the words,’It is finished!’ they ‘were’ the most powerful words ever!

What exactly was finished?
Jesus life?
His ministry on earth?
The mocking and ridicule?
The frustration?
The torment?
The lack of people’s understanding?

It was all these things and so much more!

Separation from God was finished!
Our failures were finished!

And thanks to the blood of Jesus, sin . . . sin was finished!

If you’ve accepted Jesus as your savior, your sin is finished! God sees the righteousness of Jesus when He looks at you not your sin. This can be hard for our human mind to grasp, but, thankfully, it doesn’t take away from the truth of it. 💗

Sin brings so much heartache with it, doesn’t it?

Are you struggling with guilt? It is finished!
Are you struggling with shame? It is finished!
Do you fight with unworthiness? It is finished!
Do you feel alone? It is finished!
Do you struggle with heartache, grief, and anxiety? It is finished!
Do you wrestle with depression? It is finished!
Are you battling an addiction? It is finished!
Do you fight with envy, jealousy and comparing yourself with others? It is finished!
Do you feel unloved? It is finished!

Although, Jesus’ death doesn’t guarantee a life free from guilt, heartache, grief and sadness, it does make a way to get through the difficult times.💗

It’s not my intention to lead you astray by making you believe the way you feel will automatically disappear. Our walk with Jesus is an ongoing process. Sometimes things just take time.

However, I do pray from now on each time you hear the words, ‘It is finished!’ you will remember Jesus died for all of it; guilt, shame, unworthiness, sadness, depression, addictions, loneliness, feeling unloved, all of it!

Also, when (not if) the feelings come against you, you will address each one head on by speaking out loud,”Unworthiness! Because of Jesus, you are finished!!” “Depression! Because of Jesus, you are finished!!” “Feeling unloved! Because of Jesus, you are finished!!”💗

Sin, death and the powers of the world were defeated!

Once for all.

Once is the keyword here. Jesus didn’t have to die over and over and over.

He died once and once was enough.💗

Jesus sincerely loves you just the way you are. We can cast our burdens onto him. He overcame the world just for YOU.

If you haven’t accepted Jesus as your Savior, you can right now. This very moment in the comfort of your home, in your car, at work, out hiking or jogging, grocery shopping. Anywhere! It’s not a tricky thing.

You don’t have to have someone praying with you. It’s between you and God.
Right now, you can stop what you are doing and acknowledge you believe Jesus is the son of God, He died on the cross and shed His blood for you and your sin and rose again. Then ask Him to be the Lord of your life.
It’s such a wonderful freeing experience.💗
If you prefer to have someone pray with you, absolutely we are here for you. It’s our heart’s desire to pray with you. I just don’t want your prayer of salvation to be hindered because you think someone HAS to pray with you.

After saying the prayer, please let us know, so we can continue to pray for you. We would love that! 💗
Also, call someone and tell them. . . maybe a family member or friend who has been praying for you? We need each other in our walk with Christ.

He said, “It is finished!” And bowing his head, he gave up his spirit.

Below is a great song to worship Jesus. Like it says, ‘let’s leave the grave behind us.’ It is finished!

With much love,
Susan💗

If you would like for us to pray with you to receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior, we would be honored to. Please click here so we can pray with you! 💕

Author Profile

Susan Parish

Susan Parish
Mom, “Grandma Sue”, Daughter and a very thoughtful, lovable Friend.
Extremely compassionate, Susan is a very good listener and a hard worker.
She loves chocolate, reading, photography, writing, and talking with God.
She resides in breathtaking Kalispell Montana where she loves to hike! ❤

~~~~End guest Post~~~~
Again, I want to thank Susan for sharing her thoughts with us.
Please go visit her website, Fresh Grace For Today. I know you will be blessed!

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2018 Lent day Fifteen – 3/2 Betrayal

Lent Devotions
Lent Week Two for catch up.
Lent Week Three – next week.

We have created a facebook group to follow and discuss, please join! – 40 days of Lent!

Lent Day Fifteen
Judas exposed

John 13:21-28 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Judas’s Betrayal Predicted
21 When Jesus had said this, He was troubled in His spirit and testified, “I assure you: One of you will betray Me!”

22 The disciples started looking at one another—uncertain which one He was speaking about. 23 One of His disciples, the one Jesus loved, was reclining close beside Jesus.[a] 24 Simon Peter motioned to him to find out who it was He was talking about. 25 So he leaned back against Jesus and asked Him, “Lord, who is it?”

26 Jesus replied, “He’s the one I give the piece of bread to after I have dipped it.” When He had dipped the bread, He gave it to Judas, Simon Iscariot’s son.[b] 27 After Judas ate the piece of bread, Satan entered him. Therefore Jesus told him, “What you’re doing, do quickly.”

28 None of those reclining at the table knew why He told him this.

Matthew 26:20-25 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
20 When evening came, He was reclining at the table with the Twelve. 21 While they were eating, He said, “I assure you: One of you will betray Me.”

22 Deeply distressed, each one began to say to Him, “Surely not I, Lord?”

23 He replied, “The one who dipped his hand with Me in the bowl—he will betray Me. 24 The Son of Man will go just as it is written about Him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been better for that man if he had not been born.”

25 Then Judas, His betrayer, replied, “Surely not I, Rabbi?”

“You have said it,” He told him.

Mark 14:17-20 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Betrayal at the Passover
17 When evening came, He arrived with the Twelve. 18 While they were reclining and eating, Jesus said, “I assure you: One of you will betray Me—one who is eating with Me!”

19 They began to be distressed and to say to Him one by one, “Surely not I?”

20 He said to them, “It is one of the Twelve—the one who is dipping bread with Me in the bowl.

Crosswalk provides a nice discussion on the deeper meaning of the thirty coins.

I shared in Lent day Nine that I felt that Judas may not have realized that the enemy had entered him.

There is a progression.

  • he gets upset about the woman using the anointing oil, rather than selling it. Matthew 26
  • John says it’s because he’s a thief and concerned about money. John 12
  • He goes to the leaders – asks how much will you give me? Matthew 26
  • HE CONTINUES TO WALK WITH JESUS! is he decieved?
  • HE PARTICIPATES IN THE LORD’S SUPPER – THE BREAD AND THE CUP – THE FOOT WASHING. does he know?
  • Jesus confronts him, politely, discretely, but Judas KNOWS that Jesus KNOWS! the above Scriptures
  • and he betrays Jesus with kiss.
  • In his distress and dispair Judas hangs himself – Matthew 27:3-10

Matthew 27:3-10 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Judas Hangs Himself
3 Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that He had been condemned, was full of remorse and returned the 30 pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders. 4 “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood,” he said.

“What’s that to us?” they said. “See to it yourself!”

5 So he threw the silver into the sanctuary and departed. Then he went and hanged himself.

6 The chief priests took the silver and said, “It’s not lawful to put it into the temple treasury,[a] since it is blood money.”[b] 7 So they conferred together and bought the potter’s field with it as a burial place for foreigners. 8 Therefore that field has been called “Blood Field” to this day. 9 Then what was spoken through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled:

They took the 30 pieces of silver, the price of Him whose price was set by the Israelites, 10 and they gave them for the potter’s field, as the Lord directed me.[c]

Tomorrow, we’re looking at Peter. What is the difference between Judas and Peter? Why did Judas commit suicide and Peter did not?

I believe it is the heart issue.
We’ve talked a lot about how works are the evidence of our salvation. The outward sign of our inner work is how the Episcopalians describe sacraments. Neither the sacraments, nor the disciplines of faith, nor even the fruits gain us salvation, but they are evidences of our salvation. Jesus said that we can know them by their fruit.

    • Judas was willing to betray this man – but Peter was not willing to have him wash his feet!
    • Judas was known to be a thief – but Peter was willing to step out on water, and was declaring his dying loyalty!
    • Judas did not understand the concept of forgiveness – Peter had been taught over and over, and was alive to experience Christ’s forgiveness.

Denying Christ comes with heavy penalty –

1 John 2:20-23 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
20 But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you have knowledge.[a] 21 I have not written to you because you don’t know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie comes from the truth. 22 Who is the liar, if not the one who denies that Jesus is the Messiah? This one is the antichrist: the one who denies the Father and the Son. 23 No one who denies the Son can have the Father; he who confesses the Son has the Father as well.

There’s not much difference between denying and betraying…except that Peter knew of the forgiveness of God.

Esau despised his birthright – Genesis 25, and when he lost his inheritance, he cried out for forgiveness. Genesis 27:38.
He rejected God’s grace upon his life.

Hebrews 12:14-17 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Warning against Rejecting God’s Grace
14 Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness—without it no one will see the Lord. 15 Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and by it, defiling many. 16 And make sure that there isn’t any immoral or irreverent person like Esau, who sold his birthright in exchange for one meal. 17 For you know that later, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected because he didn’t find any opportunity for repentance, though he sought it with tears.

We are given warnings that time could run out!

Hebrews 6:4-8 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
4 For it is impossible to renew to repentance those who were once enlightened, who tasted the heavenly gift, became companions with the Holy Spirit,
5 tasted God’s good word and the powers of the coming age,
6 and who have fallen away, because, to their own harm, they are recrucifying the Son of God and holding Him up to contempt.
7 For ground that has drunk the rain that has often fallen on it and that produces vegetation useful to those it is cultivated for receives a blessing from God.
8 But if it produces thorns and thistles, it is worthless and about to be cursed, and will be burned at the end.

Psalms 2:12 Holman Christian Standard Bible
Pay homage to the Son or He will be angry and you will perish in your rebellion, for His anger may ignite at any moment. All those who take refuge in Him are happy.

Isaiah 55:6-7 King James Version (KJV)
6 Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

Psalm 55 is a prayer in response to betrayal by a friend.

As Jesus said over and over, one who was chosen became a devil.
For me, this answers the question of free will.
Judas was chosen.
He chose to betray Christ.
He chose to take his own life, rather than seek forgiveness as far as we know.

Peter was chosen.
He chose to deny Christ.
He chose to re-evaluate his life, and Jesus called him to feed His sheep.

You and I are chosen.
I choose to follow Jesus.
What will you choose?

Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation

Prayer and Worship

You Love me Still – Sidewalk Prophets
Just AS I am – Mercy Me
Your Grace Finds me – Matt Redmon

I have a very special place in my heart for those that are struggling with suicide.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Depression Journal – Feb 6, 2018

author’s note – this post is a bit depressing…but if you hold on until the end, there is hope! I promise! ~C

It’s February.
my seriously difficult time for depression is between September and February.

This year, I’ve made it to February – though last month, I did ask my doc if we should up my medicine. He said no…to see if I could make it to the end of this season.

And yet, the season of trials is just beginning.
We find out Saturday about what treatment I should be looking at for the kidney cancer.
Jim is looking at what treatment he should be looking at for the prostate cancer.
And, I’m looking at a moody man that will be taking a shot that is supposed to make him moody, have more anger issues, and such like.
I think I need more medicine.

I’m applying the scriptures…
God will not give you any more than you can handle…but the other part of that scripture is often ignore….

1 Corinthians 10:13 King James Version (KJV)
13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Where is my escape….?
Getting in the presence of the Lord – I should be being filled with the strength of His joy…maybe I am, and that is why I’m not suicidal right now!

Entering into His gates with thanksgiving….Ps 100:4
I am so filled with gratitude for all the things he has done for me…I go to sleep thanking God and I wake up thanking God and I am amazed at how many ways his hand is upon me during the day, and I am grateful for those as well!

He is my hiding place….Ps 32:7
The name of the Lord is a strong tower – the righteous run into it and are safe. Pr 18:10
He will not leave me nor forsake me. 1 Kings 8:57, deut 31:6, heb 13:5
All things work together for the good of those that love God and are called according to His purposes. Romans 8:28
In this world ye shall have tribulation, but, be of good cheer – I have over come the world. John 16:33

In the Beginning….God which goes with the ending:

Revelation 22:16-17
16 I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.
17 And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.

The End – the end of all suffering.
the end of all sorrow.
the end of all tears.

The end of struggle – a glorified body for eternity.
No more pain
no more shame
no more guilt
no more …. no more.

I’ve found a diary from 12/2013 leading up to the suicide attempt on Christmas of 2014.
The heart cry is the same as today.
The issues causing the heart cry are the same today.
The mental hospitals are the same today.
My husband is the same today.
God is the same today.
What is different?

I am.

It’s 3 plus years since those days….the hospital stay, the inpatient stay at the resident treatment.
I’d had surgery on my neck…and now I’m looking at surgery on my kidney.
I’ve done much work on applying scriptures to the negative voices in my head.
I’ve done much work on applying principles I’ve been taught to help myself to not degrade into the despair that drags me down, down, down into the devastating quagmire of suicidal depression.
Each day, I fight something.
Sometimes, each minute.
But I am fighting….

Yet, there are times that I’m just exhausted.

Where is my escape button?
Where is my release?
When do I get released from this valley of the shadow of death?
I am truly grateful that YOU, oh Lord, are with me!
Yes – truly, your rod and your staff they comfort me, because I know you are there.
Where is the table, though?
Where is the anointing of my head?

Why am I not certain of where are the green pastures and the still waters?
Where are you leading me, Oh Lord?

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

Psalm 51:
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

Psalm 37:
3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5 Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

and

23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.
24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand.

I know these truths to be true…
My wounded heart is bleeding.
My wounded soul is screaming…
and, I know that I have to walk through this darkness to get through to the light.

I can’t make it, Lord.
I can’t do it, Lord.
I have no strength in me.

You promised to finish the work you began in me. phil 1:6
You promised that you would hold me in the palm of your hand. John 10:29, Psalm 95:7
You promised that my enemies would fall at my side. Psalm 91:7
You promised that I would never be alone…that you would never leave me nor forsake me. Heb 13:5
You promised that I am seated in the heavenlies with Christ Jesus! Ephesians 2:6
You promised me that you would make an escape.

I cry out, Lord, for you to make good on your promises….
I humble myself before you,
I confess my sins before the brothers and sisters that read this,
I declare that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and that HE redeemed me from the pit!
I declare that My God is an awesome God!

Secrets will be revealed.
Darkness will be lightened.
Hidden things will be exposed.

But Thou oh Lord are a shield for me, the glory and the lifter of My head!Psalm 3:3
I will dwell in the secret place of the most high, Psalm 91
and abide under the shadow of HIS wings…
This is my hiding place…You are my hiding place…Psalm 32:7
you shall preserve me from trouble!
You will comfort me, with songs of deliverance!
What time I am afraid, I will trust in you! Psalm 56:3

Psalm 32:8
8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

Psalm 56:1-5
56 1 Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me.
2 Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be many that fight against me, O thou most High.
3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.
4 In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.
5 Every day they wrest my words: all their thoughts are against me for evil.

Psalm 64:1-4
64 1 Hear my voice, O God, in my prayer: preserve my life from fear of the enemy.
2 Hide me from the secret counsel of the wicked; from the insurrection of the workers of iniquity:
3 Who whet their tongue like a sword, and bend their bows to shoot their arrows, even bitter words:
4 That they may shoot in secret at the perfect: suddenly do they shoot at him, and fear not.

Psalm 27:1-4
27 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.

Confession
Prayer
Bible Verses….
These are the tools that have brought me thus far….
and they have NO power, except for the ONE that wrote them down and instructed us…and taught us to pray and confess our sins.

I don’t feel like it’s a way to escape the temptation…but, on the other hand, it’s worked so far!
Each day that I do not take my own life is one day stronger to not take my own life.
Each day that I don’t think about suicide is one day stronger to be free from those voices.

Many quote this verse…Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. – and yet, ignore the previous verses…Paul is talking about being flexible in want or plenty, in weakness or in strength. He’s talking about being strong in trials.

Even those verses apply now…to my being content in whatever place I find myself.
Whether in sorrow or rejoicing
whether in pain or in health
whether in weakness or in strength.

Just like the downward suction of depression is like the spiral of a powerful whirlpool…to climb up out of the depression takes a spiral turn, like the spiraling staircase that seems to go on forever. Maybe it does…but, each step up is another not taken downward!

I was praying as I wrote this, and after the draft…while going through the day, and I was reminded of

Psalm 16:11 King James Version (KJV)
11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

God promises to show me the path of life…and this…is also where my joy is sourced…HIS PRESENCE!
This is one of Jesus’s promises, one of His goals for his time here.

John 17:13 King James Version (KJV)
13 And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.

While driving, the Song In the eye of the storm came on the radio.

We are the body of Christ – and the most wonderful thing about being part of a body is that other members get to know you….and notice, or are led to touch your heart when it’s hurting.

Here are some of the things that dear sisters in Christ did for me yesterday, as I continued to struggle with my heart:

Dear Sister Tori sent me an article from Daily Devotionals written by Sheila Walsh. It reminded me of Project SemiColon, and the Christian movement against suicide. It’s based on the concept that when an author could end a sentence, but chooses not to, she uses a semi-colon.

There are tattoo semicolon projects – this youtube is filled with less than perfect language…beware.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Sister Melinda sent me a song to listen to. Fighting Words by Ellie Holcomb.

This led me to The Broken Beautiful, and Wonderfully Made.

Here is the prayer I’m ending this blog with – He’s a Chain Breaker!

My confession of Victory is Mandisa’s Overcomer!

I’ve written a Basic plan for understanding how to obtain Joy in Oil of Joy.
I’ve written other things about depression. If you want to read more, please do a search on my blog for depression.

I’ve also written about Suicide – my major piece being about the Day I committed Suicide.

There is another ministry for helping – To Write Love On Her Arms.

If you have come to this page because you are contemplating suicide, please dial 1-800-273-TALK or visit the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine.

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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