Tag Archives: Depression

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues, part 3

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me: part 3

After I got quiet, and confessed my sins, asking God to tear down all those strongholds, He started to build towers of truth with the past piles of scriptures. As I settled down, He took me back to Ephesians 6:

Eph 6:13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

He has an armor for me….I just have to take it up….I’m not even sure I have to put it on…just to accept that he has it for me, and through HIM, I can withstand the evil day, and another version says:

Ephe 6:13 (DBY) and, having accomplished all things, to stand.

If I take up His armor (might look like a cross!), through Him, I can accomplish all things! AND stand! Reminds me of walk and not be weary, run and not faint. The Blessed man of Ps 1 chose where to walk, stand and sit…and God promises to enable me to stand, walk and run! IF I take up His armor, or His cross…and follow Him.

Psal 18:31 (KJS) For who [is] God save the LORD? or who [is] a rock save our God?
32 [It is] God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.
33 He maketh my feet like hinds’ [feet], and setteth me upon my high places.

Youngs’ Literal Translation says:

Psal 18:33 (YLT) Making my feet like hinds, And on my high places causeth me to stand.

So, now that He has me standing, ready to tear down high places and strongholds, then he prepares me for battle!

Ps 18:34 He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.

(Now that’s more strength than I really have!!)

Here’s the battle plan:

Eph 6:14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with TRUTH,

While I wasn’t leaning on the truth, I was subject to all types of lies.

Phil 4:8 (YLT) As to the rest, brethren, as many things as are true,

This is the FIRST thing to be meditating on! And I was allowing myself to listen to lies, to compare myself with others, and I was falling.

Ps 18:39 says: For thou hast girded me with strength unto the battle: thou hast subdued under me those that rose up against me.

This is the truth! And it is a truth that brings strength. Where there is weakness, He can be strong, if I let Him! If I don’t wallow in the weakness, but rejoice!

2Cor 12:9 (KJS) And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So, surround myself with His truth…that’s building towers of truth! Truth that specifically attacks the lies that the enemy is shooting at me. Jesus is truth….The Truth, so I just need to abide in Him (oops, that’s another message! 😉

Next step:

Eph 6:14 b and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

I even could check my thought life against the breastplate!

Phil 4:8… whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.

I had not kept my thought life set on God, and I had believed lies. Therefore I had worried, taken thought (wrongly) and I was not in faith. Hebr 11:6 (KJS) But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: and Roma 14:23 (KJS)… for whatsoever [is] not of faith is sin.

I had to confess my sins to God, for not believing in Him, and ask Him to ” Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me . ” Psal 51:10 (KJS) and to
” Teach me thy way, O LORD; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name. I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart : and I will glorify thy name for evermore.” Psal 86:11-12

I needed God to heal my heart (under the breastplate) and cause me to be right with Him again!

The third step is:

Eph 6:15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

I needed to be prepared with peace! Phil 4:7 is a precious gift…peace that passes understanding!
By resting in Him, trusting in His promises, He also promises:

Ps 18:36 Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.

All the promises come flooding back. He promises to

lead me,
guide me,
make my way perfect,
be a lamp unto my feet and
a light unto my path,
hearing a voice behind me saying this is the way walk ye in it, and especially
Ps 23…His rod and His staff they comfort me as he leads me all through the beautiful places, the dark and scary places, on into the banqueting table in the presence of mine enemies!

What a comfort to rest in His hand…

“’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word, just to rest upon his promise, just to know ‘thus saith the Lord'”

Now, I’m resting, and he’s strengthened me with all his truth, healed and united my heart, and filled me with peace. I have to tell you about the next step in part four!

PART FOUR

BACK TO PART ONE
BACK TO PART TWO

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

there are giants in my land – part three

~It would seem that part three should be the third giant, but it’s only the second. I explained the giants in number one, and discussed the giant of fear in number two.

The second giant that has overshadowed my life is the giant of depression.

Many people think that the opposite of depression is happiness. Happiness is based on what happens around you, and joy is based on your Jesus relationship.

There is a simple circle that brings this truth to life.
Jesus came that we may have joy

John 15.11 These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and [that] your joy might be full.

In the presence of the Lord there is fullness of joy

Psalm 16.11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence [is] fulness of joy; at thy right hand [there are] pleasures for evermore.

The joy of the Lord is our strength

Neh 8.10 : for [this] day [is] holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

We can do all things Christ Jesus who strengthens us…

Phil 4.13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

…Because Jesus came that we might have joy

John 16.24 Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.

So the bottom line is, if I’m depressed, where my dwelling?

Several years ago I wrote a post called “The Oil of Joy”, and that was the beginning of my battle with the giant of depression. The giant of depression had been around for quite a while, but this is when I started to learn how to battle. Here it is.

Joy is a choice. This is what God was telling me.

With my past experience with abuse, which plunged me into deep depression, medically declared not recoverable, as well as a mother with Bi-Polar/Manic-Depressive, and a daughter diagnosed as the same, as well as suicides running through the family spirit….Joy has been an elusive concept at times. I don’t take joy for granted. I respect the warning signs of depression.

It’s a choice? None of the above was a choice!
What choice do I have?

Psal 16:6 (KJS) The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant [places]; yea, I have a goodly heritage.
7 I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons.
8 I have set the LORD always before me: because [he is] at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.
10 For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption.
11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence [is] fulness of joy; at thy right hand [there are] pleasures for evermore.

I can choose to trust in the Lord, look at what He has done for me, seek His counsel, hearken to His words, bless Him, set Him before me, and to stay in His presence, at His right hand.

Isai 61:3 (KJS) To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I can choose to go to Him. He is glorified when I allow him to give me the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise of the spirit of heaviness…He wants to have the glory of being my joy! He knows that I am mourning, and has prepared a solution for it…before I was even conceived!

Hebr 12:12 (KJS) Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

My hands hang down when I am discouraged, my knees are feeble when I am afraid…..and then Lord says:

Nehe 8:10 (KJS) Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for [this] day [is] holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

He is my strength! If I let Him be my joy…then I will be strong..in Him!

2Tim 1:7 (KJS) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

He can calm my mind…when I am depressed, I do not have a sound mind…I am fearing…and that is not of Him! If I ask, He will give me the mind of Christ…and renew my mind. (Phil 2:5, Rom 12:2) He tells me to

1Pet 1:13 (KJS) Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

Last week, I was overcome with discouragement…when all in the house were sick or not up to par, and the plan wasn’t working, and there was so much to do. I had finally, taken a walk with the Lord…and had started to pull out of the dumps…but even the work of Saturday, the hugeness of it, without really even touching what I needed to get done for school brought me to my knees in tears. I went to my prayer closet (bathroom) and cried. Where is the joy? And He gently reminded me that joy is a choice…a choice of where I spend my time, where I place my heart, where I walk, and with whom I talk. In HIS presence is fullness of joy! I had been too busy doing what I thought He wanted me to do, that I hadn’t been with Him.

When I was marching around the house, thinking on the sins that were attacking our family, I had great joy…..from the presence of the King.

My prayer is(Acts 17:27-28) That in Him I would live, and move and have my being. That I would walk after the Spirit (Rom 8), (Gal 5:16-25) and live in the spirit-

Gala 5:25 (KJS) If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

This is part of the Big Plan that God has for my family…

Jude 1:24 (KJS) Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present [you] faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,
25 To the only wise God our Saviour, [be] glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.

it was some time after this post that I changed my signature Bible verse to Psalm 63.7

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I learned that if I abide in the secret place of the most high and dwell under the shadow of the Almighty(Ps 91), nothing can keep me from singing.

I have written about the power of music to quiet demons in one’s head.

David played for Saul to quiet his demons. 1 Sam 16.23

God inhabits the praises of his people. Psalm 22.3

Psalm 100 gives step-by-step how to abide in the Lord and in his joy with singing.

A psalm. For giving thanks. Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

100 Spiritual Walking Steps – #22 – Sleep Tight

Genesis 2:2-3 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

Rest is ordained by God.

Ps 4: 8 I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.
Ps 127:2 [It is] vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: [for] so he giveth his beloved sleep.

When God created the world/universe, He created time.
He also created rest.
We are to give ONE day a week to resting in His presence.
I’m not talking about that kind of rest.

God created our bodies with this circadian rhythm that keeps us in balance. This is the rest I am talking about. Sleep is a blessing from God.

Harvard Women’s Health Watch agrees:

Importance of Sleep : Six reasons not to scrimp on sleep
January 2006

A recent survey found that more people are sleeping less than six hours a night, and sleep difficulties visit 75% of us at least a few nights per week. A short-lived bout of insomnia is generally nothing to worry about. The bigger concern is chronic sleep loss, which can contribute to health problems such as weight gain, high blood pressure, and a decrease in the immune system’s power, reports the Harvard Women’s Health Watch.

While more research is needed to explore the links between chronic sleep loss and health, it’s safe to say that sleep is too important to shortchange.

The Harvard Women’s Health Watch suggests six reasons to get enough sleep:

Learning and memory: Sleep helps the brain commit new information to memory through a process called memory consolidation. In studies, people who’d slept after learning a task did better on tests later.

Metabolism and weight: Chronic sleep deprivation may cause weight gain by affecting the way our bodies process and store carbohydrates, and by altering levels of hormones that affect our appetite.

Safety: Sleep debt contributes to a greater tendency to fall asleep during the daytime. These lapses may cause falls and mistakes such as medical errors, air traffic mishaps, and road accidents.

Mood: Sleep loss may result in irritability, impatience, inability to concentrate, and moodiness. Too little sleep can also leave you too tired to do the things you like to do.

Cardiovascular health: Serious sleep disorders have been linked to hypertension, increased stress hormone levels, and irregular heartbeat.

Disease: Sleep deprivation alters immune function, including the activity of the body’s killer cells. Keeping up with sleep may also help fight cancer.

There is a reason that sleep deprivation is a huge part of brain washing and torture! Wikipedia has an article on Sleep Deprivation with more than you’ll ever want to know. My point for including it here is that there is a section that discusses sleep deprivation as a from of Interrogation.

In my personal life, with a depressive disorder, if I do not sleep well for a period of time, I have had psychotic events that have caused various difficulties.
I have also had times, because of dreams or night terrors that I have been afraid to go to sleep. I have cried out for those promises.

In order to be able to walk, one must have the strength to walk, whether mind or body. Sleep is God’s way of restoring our bodies. How can we restore what we may have lost?
In this Helpguide about Sleeping, it talks about paying off the sleep debt:

Sleep debt is the difference between the amount of sleep you need and the hours you actually get. Every time you sacrifice on sleep, you add to the debt. Eventually, the debt will have to be repaid. It won’t go away on its own. If you lose an hour of sleep, you must make up that extra hour somewhere down the line in order to bring your “account” back into balance.

I have never seen a plan for paying off the sleep debt, but this makes sense to me. Find time that you can go to bed at the normal time, and then, wake up with no alarm clock. They recommend a two week period, but not everyone has that flexibility. So do it on the weekends.

In the end – a good night’s sleep makes the next day much better.
And in the consideration of walking, every thing is much steadier.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures, and leadeth me beside still waters.

My Shepherd leads me to rest BEFORE I walk into the valley of the shadow of death! Not after.

In the creation story, a day is described Evening and morning were the first….day.
Rest comes first – then the strength to walk through the day.
Rest is ordained by God.

Ps 4: 8 I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.
Ps 127:2 [It is] vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: [for] so he giveth his beloved sleep.

Sleep is a blessing from God.

I am walking a race – and I do not want to become weary in well doing, and faint…therefore, I need to take care of this body, and rest as God has instituted.
Good sleep every night, and resting in His presence every week(another post later).

So – good night! Sleep tight! and love the Lord with all your might!
Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues – part 2

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

Every time I go to a conference, I come back with Post conference blues. I am so quick to compare myself and my children and my efforts with everyone else, and to take the talks terribly personally, that I am overwhelmed with my conviction, and am tempted to give up.

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me: Part 2

I needed a battle plan….I was definitely in warfare!
I went to the obvious warfare passage:

Eph 6:11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].

I was fighting with my husband’s flesh, my children’s flesh, and my own flesh (the latter being the most difficult!). I was falling prey to those fiery darts big time…and they were coming so fast and so furious, and I was so beaten down, my shield was almost too heavy to lift up.

Psal 3:2 (KJS) Many [there be] which say of my soul, [There is] no help for him in God. Selah.
3 But thou, O LORD, [art] a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4 I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.

Somewhere I was missing something…but that goes back to part one…I was missing my promises! As my dear husband meditated on 2 Pet 1, he taught us on these verses – more promises to add to those God gave me (mentioned in part one)!

2Pet 1:2 (KJS) Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord, 3 According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that [pertain] unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

Promises:

11) Grace
12) Peace
13) both of those Multiplied through the Knowledge of God and Jesus!
14) I’ve been given All things that pertain unto life and godliness (I can do it through Him!)
15) other exceeding great and precious promises that will make me to be a partaker of the divine nature
15 b) and to escape the corruption of the world through the lust thereof

So, God has provided a way, and I just have to wait, and rejoice. I was already crying!

Phil 4:4 (KJS) Rejoice in the Lord alway: [and] again I say, Rejoice.
(James 1:2 always comes to mind when choosing to rejoice!)
Phil 4:6 (KJS) Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Ok, so I am taking thought, caring for my children’s futures, how to schedule our days, our seemingly endless failure to complete wisdom books(homeschooling) on time, and the fact that our marriage is not the ideal marriage, our life is not always lining up with what we say we believe…all this added to the health issues….whew. I needed to just get quiet! Rejoice?!? Count it all joy?!? I was trying hard not to grumble and complain!

So, how do I take on the enemy? Well, I’ll have to tell you that in Part three!

PART THREE

PART FOUR
BACK TO PART ONE

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me:

Ephe 6:10 (KJS) Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

Who can be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might? Those that are the saved, called according to His purpose.

1John 5:4 (KJS) For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, [even] our faith. 5 Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?
Luke 10:19 (KJS) Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.

He kept telling me to wait

(Isai 40:31 (KJS) But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint. )

and in meditating on that verse, I also came to:

Psal 27:14 (KJS) Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

So, what was I doing? My soul was disquieted…cast down, despairing!

Psal 42:11 (KJS) Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, [who is] the health of my countenance, and my God.

And God says to me:

Isai 41:10 (KJS) Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
2Tim 1:7 (KJS) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

As an aside, I have been struggling with many health concerns. So, here I have God’s promise to

renew my strength
mount up with wings as eagles
run, not be weary
walk, not faint
strengthen my heart
my countenance shall be healthy through Him
strengthen ME
help ME
uphold me with his right hand
give me power, love and a sound mind

All of these promises spoke to specific items of prayer that I have had, that had burdened me down, causing me to believe that I was not capable of attaining the certain high standard.

I’m going to do this in sections…but God gave me a battle plan that may encourage some of you. Take it one part at a time!

Christi’s Bible Study Page

Graphics by Free Bible Studies

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Suicide – what’s the deal?

If you have come to this page because you are contemplating suicide, please dial 988 or 1-800-273-TALK or visit the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine. Some other Suicide Hotlines are on this page.

The Theme from M*A*S*H*

I have loved this song for years…but now, as I am a recovering suicidal depressant – it gives me chills.

While finding this song on YouTube…I read a comment by a listener..”I’m going to play this when I commit suicide”.
Another suggested the ‘marilyn manson’ version….VERY CREEPY!!!

This song was played over and over and over while I was growing up.
I grew up with a bi-polar mother that attempted suicide on a regular basis.
My favorite uncle committed suicide when I was in the second grade…and the priest and my mom talked about he gave up, and took the one way ticket to heaven.
Another Great Aunt and Uncle committed murder-suicide because he didn’t want to watch her slowly die with cancer.
One month after my wedding, my mother finally succeeded in her desire to let go – and my aunt told me “she gave you a gift…and she knew you were safe now”.

What am I saying? I grew up surrounded with a level of comfort with suicide.

So, when I got married, things weren’t fairy tale perfect, and depression hit with five children under 6…chronic pain…and I couldn’t see any way out…I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
When all I could see was how I was messing up everyone’s lives because of my PTSD, FMS, CFS, and multiple bone, joint, tendon and soft tissue issues (7 surgeries in 7 years)…I wanted to give my family a gift…and remove this burden(ME) from their lives.

Why didn’t I succeed? There are many thoughts about that…one is that except for 2 times, it was never really a suicide attempt…it was take 4 pain pills instead of 1, but I wanted to be dead. No, really, most of the time, I wanted to go to sleep, and wake up without the problems. I had suicidal tendencies, or ideations. So – should I have been left alone with my thoughts? Should my family have just called my bluff?

Well, what I feel led to share here is four types of suicidal thought…from my experience, in and out of hospitals and institutions and by talking with others with similar thought systems.

In my experience, there are at least four DIFFERENT types of suicidal thoughts:

Look at me – I’m being ignored.
I’ll show you – Revenge
I can’t take this anymore – Despair
I have no worth – I’m a burden to society

In my mind – ALL FOUR ARE DEADLY AND NOT TO BE IGNORED.
but the individual appears to NEED different things.

1. LOOK AT ME!!!!

This one is when someone feels ignored, alone, and wants to get attention. To deny that this is the case is to deny what so clearly has happened with video and letters that say “You didn’t love me enough” or “no one will miss me”.

This person is CRYING OUT FOR HELP!!!
They need to be pointed to a suicide help line, such as 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
This state of mind will not commit suicide while someone is with them.
Ignoring this person will only increase the odds that they WILL keep trying…because ignoring them fulfills the wrong thinking in their head.

2. I’ll show you/them!!!

This mindset scares me. I was told one time “I’ll show them, I’ll call *** and say “you think I’m suicidal” as I drive off the ***bridge”. This person talked about calling different people WHILE he took his own life…to show them…and I’m not sure what he was planning on showing them…that they were right? He was sick? or that they were wrong, that he was in control? The point is…NO ONE WINS in this mentality. The ones that a person is trying to “show” doesn’t lose as much as the one whose life is now gone!

This person needs to realize that the only way to show that someone is wrong, is to prove it with your life. The best revenge for those that are trying to tear you down is to take off and soar, and just wave at them from the clouds while you are soaring with the eagles!

This person is CRYING OUT FOR CLARITY!!!
They need to be pointed to a suicide help line, such as 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
I have no idea if this person will commit suicide while someone is with them…but there is something twisted in their view of getting even. This is for show of some sort.
I have no idea how to respond to this type of suicidal person…but turning their revenge into a healthy self support has to take place.

3. I can’t take it anymore – total despair.

I wrote a poem – “Depression like Driving Rain” – as I was struggling with some depression.

Folks get sad.
Some folks get S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.
But this is Despair….Despair is much more than just being sad.

Despair – noun – loss of hope – hopelessness. To lose hope, to give up, to be without hope.

Despondent – adj. – feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom.

There is no hope of release…”all hope is lost”. In this mindset…there is no view to the future…it’s like a dark wet blanket that one cannot find the way out of, and the weight just continues to pull you down.

This person is CRYING OUT FOR HOPE!!!

This person needs to know that there is a tomorrow…reminded of all the tomorrows that have come and gone and are now yesterdays…and that all the stuff that was despairing actually dissipated, and life began again. This person needs someone to lift the blanket…and be shown that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that they are not alone. This person needs a helping hand.

My Great aunt and uncle were these people…no hope in the face of cancer.
I have been this person, and having someone present to show that life will go on has turned me around.

This person will not commit suicide in the presence of someone else – because someone else present is the sign of hope that someone else will reach out and help.
This person could still benefit from calling or reading one of the help lines listed in this blog.
This person could benefit from just talking to a caring human being.

4. I have no worth – I’m a burden to society

This has been me. I have felt like I have no purpose on this earth other than to visit doctors and to break promises to my friends because some other health issue has arisen to prevent me from keeping my promises. One day I could walk a 5k, and the next I would be in a wheelchair at a field trip. One day I could sew a quilt and the next I couldn’t even touch the pedal to run the machine. One day I could cook a nice meal, and the next day I can’t even stand up to get something out of the refrigerator. That meant/means that my husband and my children have had to do things for me, housecleaning, cooking, activities, push my wheelchair, walk my dog, help me with baths and showers, tie my shoes, disappointed at broken promises.

I have failed as a mom, wife, mom and woman…and I can’t get SSI because of not being able to work so I have no Social Security benefits to help me with disability. Often I can’t even drive myself to the doctors office. My husband had to work from home for years so that he could be available to help me. We have lost money, houses and land to pay for the medical bills that have accrued to keep me alive, which irritates our children for lack of an inheritance. My husband has asked very few things from me as a wife…and because of disabilities, I can’t give him any of them with any consistency.

Of course, I’ve heard the complaints about taking care of me, or me not taking care of them, of my husband doing the wife’s work, and ‘wasting’ my husband’s money. I’ve had complaints that my issues make things too hard for others. I’ve been asked to leave a church because the lack of healing was causing people’s faith to fail. I am a burden to society.

Burden – that which is borne with difficulty.

My mother committed suicide because she knew that I would spend part of my married life trying to keep her alive. She didn’t follow her typical routine…this time, she was serious. This time, she wanted no mistakes. And as I said above…my aunt said to me “Your mother gave you a gift”. My mother did not want to be a burden on me in my marriage.

I did not want to be a burden in my children’s lives or in my husband’s life. I wanted to give them that gift…free them from the burden of this sick, mentally ill, physically depleted ball and chain.
I did call all the help lines…and some people…but no one had time to come to be with me.
I almost succeeded.

If it weren’t for the sheriff and the park ranger that drove past the car, and called the EMT’s – who somehow got this non responding, lifeless body to the ER, and then the ER docs that worked for several hours to bring me back…and the ICU nurses that watched over me…I would not be here.

I have memories of those that just didn’t care if I succeeded.
I have memories of those that accused me of doing it for attention.
I have memories of those I was trying to release being angry at me for doing this ‘to them’.
I have memories of thinking ‘ I better get it right next time, because this continued failure is causing the burden to grow!’
But what I didn’t have was the KNOW inside that NO ONE can determine my worth, other than me and my God.

A person that feels like they are a burden – and that the world is better off without them – and that they would lift all the bad things from their family if they were not there – this person needs LOVE.

This person is crying out for LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE.
This person cannot commit suicide in the presence of someone…because that would be adding to the burden in their life!
Responding to this person in anger only fans the fires of failure and incompetent burden.
This person needs unconditional love…no matter how broken they are.
This person needs to know that they have worth because they have life. You are not given worth by other people – you are born with it. The problem is, we let others take it away.

WHAT TURNED ME AROUND?

After 20 years of therapy…many thoughts…many counselors…somehow, somewhere something clicked.

I have always had a strong faith in Jesus Christ – but because of the church’s response to the suicides in my family, I wasn’t convinced that suicide ends up in a person going to hell. So, that didn’t do it.

One therapist shared a quote with me…and at this moment I cannot find it, but it made me aware that the very fact that I AM means that I have worth. She challenged my concept of the sanctity of life.

Do I consider life worth saving? Then why not mine?
Do I consider life worth living? then why not mine?
And – who do I believe gave life? God

How do I believe about the conception of a baby? God causes each conception, and every conception deserves life…therefore…why not me?
If God has not chosen to take my life, who am I to argue with Him? Job didn’t fare very well in his depressive, suicidal tirade, so why should I?

Psalm 23 has pulled me through…

yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for thou art with me…thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

It has been a path..a rocky, rough path that has brought me to almost no thoughts of suicide. And now, when I hear of a suicide, I am saddened that someone who had a life to live did not or could not ask for help, or find the right person to hold their hand until they came out of the dark valley.

WHAT CAN SOMEONE DO TO HELP?

BE THERE.

How many suicides occur in the midst of a family gathering? I don’t think that any of them do.

I know that some are just asking for attention…but when a 2 year old acts out to get attention, do you just ignore them until they burn themselves with the matches? Of course not. When child is acting out, it’s usually because they need to have different attention to help them through this phase…and that is the same with someone that is talking suicide. You don’t give up on the 2 year old…please don’t give up on someone that is having a mental disconnect that could take their life.

I actually gave up many possible methods, because of how frequently they fail…and the person is worse off afterwards. If I fail, I’ll have crippled hands, or if the fall doesn’t kill me, I could have to be in a wheelchair with worse pain than I do now, etc. Share with this person information on Lost All Hope about statistics of failure.

Suicidal thinking is not REALITY based thinking…it is CATASTROPHIC thinking…and having someone with you, that is not reacting to the events with such a catastrophic outlook is a calming effect by itself.

PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE SOMEONE THAT IS TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE!

PLEASE DO NOT CALL SOMEONE’S BLUFF.

PLEASE DO GET SOME HELP FROM SOME OF THESE WEBSITES TO HELP YOURSELF HELP SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

PsychCentral has some great help for those wanting to help, and those considering suicide.

Lost All Hope is an interesting point of view from another suicidal recoverer.

NAMI – National Alliance on Mental Illness has a page on how to help and how to recognize the signs.

I have not written this from a Christian, Biblical point of view…but I will be adding that feature here soon. The point is, all cultures have some level of sanctity of life…your life is sacred…it is a gift…and you are a gift. You have worth, because YOU ARE. To stop being means that you have wiped out the worth you were born with. Don’t let ‘THEM’ win.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Naomi’s Heart Ministries
Obed’s House Ministries
The son of a friend will be interning with CRU – previously known as Campus Crusades for Christ. If you’d like to support someone I can vouch for in this area, please consider going to Matthew Plant’s donation page.

Depression like Driving Rain

Depression comes like the darkness of night
slowly blinding, and taking your sight.
First it feels gray
in the midst of the day
then it feels thick
like mud with a stick.
for help you reach out
and to others give shout
but the sucking is on
and assistance is nought.

Darkness falls down
scary things all around
Listening for the sound
of one on solid ground
Comes driving rain
cleansing all stains
Lightning strikes again
and illuminates the pain

I kneel before the King
to whom I used to sing
I wonder where His wing
to shelter me from pain?

Muscles grow in pain,
flowers grow in rain,
Sunshine brings the heat
that on the earth does beat.
The rain will wash away
the pains they cannot stay
renewal is my way
neath my wing for you to stay.
Neath the shadow you do sing
and give praises to your King
the scary things are lies
and demons in disguise
I’ll cover you anew
just as you ask me to
give up this fear of yours
and let my love run it’s course.

I love you more than you can know
but my rain disturbs you so
will you let me love you true
and do the things I do?
Let me pour out grace like rain
Let me see thoswe pains again
Let me show you truth alone
and remove those stumbling stones

You are my chosen girl
I know your hair, your curls
I made you as you are
and I think you are a star
You love me totally
and your heart I truly see
Just look up and you will see
you are snuggled next to Me.
I allow only the pain
that will make you strong again
and the darkness that you see
is abiding deep in me
My wings provide the shadow
against the heat of your sorrow
As you snuggle deeper in
I protect you from those sins
those things that make you hurt
those things that burn
those tears that do surround
that mucky mirey ground

Come to me
my precious one
draw near to me
within the Son
Night will pass
and day will dawn
those horrors will soon
be all gone

Your mind will be renewed
and I can wash you through
My grace will set you free
My love will give you wings
And then again you’ll sing
‘neath the shadow of My wings.

written as given – 8/4/2011

To those that read this…this is my heart…please be gentle.
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 67:3 Because you are my help, I will sing beneath the shadow of Your wings.

The First 100 days – day 62 – storms

I have failed to write this blog consistently…and this response is more personal…this is my life.

Life is happening here…but after reading about a friend’s life…I am reminded of the story about the woman that met with Jesus about how heavy her burdens were. He showed her the burdens of those around her, that she could not see – and everyone of those that she picked up were too big, too heavy for her. Then she saw this small burden and asked who’s that was…she was told to pick it up, and she said “it’s so light? Whose is this?” Yours, my child…

So, life is happening here…I have a disability that makes these difficulties challenging…but, I have a God that is greater than all these things…and I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.

I have to remember, like Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress…the lions are chained.
I haven’t been able to T-Tapp, because for some reason, my energy levels, my strength, my heart rate and my breathing have all continued down hill. I haven’t even been able to take walks.
I will be taking my walker to Germany, and we are talking about some sort of braces for my ankles.
Apparently, my Fibromyalgia is in rare form, and I’ve had to add Mobix to aid the pain issues.

Other than that, this is all I have to get done:

planning the downsizing(Katy Christian Ministries is getting lots and lots of stuff),
preparing for the trip(April 18-May 18),
doing training for Gabe in prep for Germany(classes and trainers),
preparing for the move at the end of May(which has to be ready before I leave for Germany),
planning the June trip to Ohio(where I will meet a man that wants to confirm face to face what my father was – as in, validate the memories that have ‘destroyed’ my life), and that trip needs to be planned before I leave for Germany,
plan for Faith and Daniel’s visit here in July(because when I get back, I will be too busy moving and vacation to mess with tickets then), and
prepare for medical issues that have come up – in the mean time.

I haven’t blogged.
I haven’t kept up with the scripture memorization.
I’m not T-tapping much more than once a week, though sometimes I skin brush
I’m not walking much – energy issues
I’m not checking in here, or encouraging folks on the my initiated 50 challenge, or even doing the second 50 day challenge.
My blood work came back worse…even though I have eaten better, and exercised better during that 3 months. I KNOW that becoming fully diabetic is my fault. God gave me 7 years…and I failed.
I need to find that money tree…oh right, my God shall provide all my needs….
I’m failing commitments all over.

Anxiety? A little.
Physically – things seem to have gone backwards.
Making progress? definitely…but not as fast, or as well as I’d like…see that noun?

I ‘need’ a foundation…and I have put much of my roots into certain physical things that make me feel at home. God is shaking those roots…and reminding me that my roots need to be grounded somewhere even deeper…and I KNOW that I will get through this…

BUT – in the mean time…I feel like I am going through an earthquake, hurricane, and forest fire all at the same time. Sometimes, daily. I need to remember Elijah…in the cave…God is not in all of this, I need to be still, and wait for HIS still small voice.

The problem – when I get still, and hear his still small voice…I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE!!! I want to stay in HIS presence! LOL, I don’t want to go back to the storms!!! But, they still keep raging…and I am learning that while there are times that I need to turn my back on the storms, and look into Jesus’ face…apparently, there are times that I need to face the storms…Sometimes, I need to face my enemies…knowing that HE has my back…and when it’s too dangerous, HE will command the storms to cease.

Still, I daily find myself to be human, weak, and struggling with my inabilities. Technically, in the Biblical and Spiritual world, that means that I am learning that when I am weak, HE is strong. Military Boot Camp was hard…but I learned my weaknesses, and the Navy showed me how to become strong. This is like God’s boot camp for me…and I KNOW that I will come out stronger. I KNOW that HE is with me. I KNOW that THIS is to help me put off those fleshly rags, and put on the garments that HE purchased for me.

I also KNOW that I should be counting all these things gifts, and rejoicing in these trials, testings…because HE is making me into what HE has planned for me. I KNOW that I will be better for these things. But, I also KNOW that I am human. These things hurt, like Eustace’s shedding of the dragon skin – he couldn’t do it alone – Aslan had to use his claws to cut through the layers. My God, My Christ, My Savior, My redeemer Jesus is answering my prayer to be more like HIM. right now, HE is clawing through the layers of fleshly baggage…because I can’t do it alone.

Sometimes, my heart holds on to “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”
Sometimes, I remember “I shall not die, but live to declare the glory of God.”
I’m trying to just stand – simply stand, and wait to see the deliverance of God.
Sometimes, I just acquiesce to the process…which implies some pride still.
I don’t know that I have totally yielded to this process….which probably means I’m not being still. Actually, re-reading that – duh…I haven’t’ yielded yet!

One thing I know – God knows that I am but dust, and still, He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling…and to present you faultless …FAULTLESS…before the presence of HIS glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God, be glory and majesty, dominion and power both now and ever. Amen.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,

In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

100 days of moving challenge – day 62
100 days challenge- blog – check
25 verses in 52 weeks – Ps 15:3-5(didn’t set up verse 4)
90 days Bible Reading – Isaiah – very behind.
50 days T-Tapp – ???

The First 100 Days – day 36 – Empty

Abandoned
like a newborn baby thrown in the dumpster

Attacked
like ravenous sharks at the smell of my blood

Broken
like a window with a rock thrown through it

Crushed
Like garbage gathered in a disposal

Deceived
like a black widow’s mate

Drowned
like helpless in a 20 foot hurricane surge

Empty
Like a clear night sky without any stars.

Forsaken
Like Jesus the night before the cross

Ground
like a pill into a powder

hungered
like a child that has to search a trash heap for some food.

Ignored
like the elephant in the tiny room

Pressed down
like apple scraps pressed for cider

Splintered
like boards at a karate studio

Struck
like a baseball heading out of the park

Stung
like being blanketed in a bee hive

Shattered
Like a thin crystal vase thrown against a brick wall

Pain, in every cell of your body crying out for emotional understanding and safety, and getting the opposite.
Parts that cannot take much more pain crying out for explanation, but only getting blamed.
Why are the sick blamed for their illnesses?
Why are the disabled blamed for their weakness?
Why are the protectors protecting those that need no protecting?
When does love come?
Hosea knows.
Job knows.
Someday, the child will know, too.
But who will stand up for the child?
Who can see past the lies, and set themselves aside and love the child?

Deuteronomy 27:19 – Cursed is the man who withholds justice from the alien, the fatherless or the widow.

Psalm 41:1 – Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble.

Proverbs 31:8-9 – Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Matthew 25:35-36.40 – For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. . . I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.

Is asking for help when stumbling narcissistic?
Is asking for water when thirsty narcissistic?
Is asking for safety when threatened narcissistic?
Is asking for help for healing narcissistic?

Narcissism –noun

inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity. an exceptional interest in or admiration for oneself, esp one’s physical appearance.
Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one’s own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development. sexual satisfaction derived from contemplation of one’s own physical or mental endowments

The First 100 days – day 25 – depression

Job 3:1-4 After this opened Job his mouth, and cursed his day. And Job spake, and said, Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night [in which] it was said, There is a man child conceived. Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it.

In my life, I am responsible for my choices.

In my life, my choices affect others.

When my choices affect others in a negative way, I get sad.

When my choices affect others in a negative way, and I cannot fix it…I get depressed.

Depression is a disease. I have what is called Major Depressive Disorder, or Unipolar Depression. In me, it’s mostly under control now, but sometimes, it sneaks up on me like a snake in tall grass..

The problem with an issue that causes depression flare ups, is that sometimes, the issue doesn’t make any sense to anyone other than me(the depressive person). It’s like a washing machine going around and around in my head…getting faster and faster…and everyone else is on the outside saying “just turn it off”. Hello – there’s no off switch on the inside of the washer!!!!

Job 3:20-24 “Oh, why should light be given to the weary, and life to those in misery? They long for death, and it won’t come. They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure. It is a blessed relief when they finally die, when they find the grave. Why is life given to those with no future, those destined by God to live in distress? I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water.

I’m not suicidal – this time. Though as I wrote in my prior essay on Job, I have been there…countless times.

So – cutting doesn’t work.

drugs doesn’t work.

alcohol doesn’t work

Suicide won’t work.

Binge eating won’t work.

Movie marathons don’t work.

Crying just comes…tears just roll down my cheeks….

I can’t concentrate on my blog in progress.

I don’t want to eat(not a really bad thing for me).

I am overwhelmed with “I HAVE FAILED, AGAIN” feelings.

The ‘silly’ issues are so huge.

Giving up my books – they have been a grounding point for me all through my struggles since the memories triggered the depression.

Not being able to provide Jim with a lovely home in the RV…

Not being able to be focused in one mindset….being double minded(in more ways than one).

I have no faith in me.

Which means, I have no faith in God’s ability to work in me.

Well – there’s another Christi failure.

Sarah.

Rachel.

Rahab.

Three female failures that God used.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Depression is a valley in the shadow of death. That’s the truth.

Jesus walks with me in the valley. That’s truth.

I have spent money on things that stare me in the face…money that could have been spent on something better…money that could have done more good. But I chose to spend that money, because I thought it was the right thing to do in the circumstance. I made the choice I thought was right, given the information I had at the time. So, now, looking back, I regret that I didn’t have prophetic wisdom?

So, now my cry is…am I hearing God’s voice?

John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:

The Israelite’s knew when God wasn’t with them…they went out and fought, and if they lost even 1 man…they came back and fell on their knees to the Lord. But even after repenting.. that one man, 10 men, 30 men, were still dead.

That’s the thing about messing up…circumstances remain.

Sarah had Hagar and Ishmael to deal with – and look at what that has done to our world.

Rebekah deceived her husband, and didn’t live to see Jacob and his children, and the deception send Esau towards the Ishmaelites…more enemies for the Jews.

Rachel brought the idols away from her father’s house…interestingly, she died in childbirth.

Peter denied Christ…and almost gave up.

Stephen was still dead when Saul turned to Paul.

Our circumstances always follow us…as signs saying

DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!!!

Prov 26:2 As the bird by wandering, as the swallow by flying, so the curse causeless shall not come.

I’ll straighten out that KJV –

a curse doesn’t come without a cause.
A curse that comes is not without cause.
If a curse comes, there is a cause.

I’m not saying that I am cursed….I’m saying that circumstances come for a reason. Deut 28 is a great chapter to see cause and effect. Proverbs is good, too!

Prov 26:6 He that sendeth a message by the hand of a fool cutteth off the feet, [and] drinketh damage.

Prov 26:11 As a dog returneth to his vomit, [so] a fool returneth to his folly.

BUT GOD!

As I was looking at the cause and effect of my choices, an angel called. Yes, an angel named Faith called me on the phone. Since she is my daughter, with a newborn baby, married to a soldier that is away for the week, I had promised her that I would answer the phone when she called. I try to always keep my promises, no matter how sad I feel.

Faith was my Elihu. And because of her ability to speak the truth, in love, I was able to hear the Lord’s voice and walk out of this valley of the shadow of death.

I have had to endure the Lord speaking to me out of a whirlwind before…of course, I think I was the one that created the whirlwind of chaos!

Today, through prayer, and crying out as I searched through the scriptures, God answered me through the sweet sounds of our daughter. She was even used as a rod in God’s hands to point out a blind spot – that I was able to repent over, and be freed from that bondage. I was also able to hear the real size of the issues, and rest in the Lord, to be content in peace.

3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.

I have a thorn in my flesh – like Paul – though not for the same reason: 2 Cor 12:7 – And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

But more so that in my weakness, I can turn to HIM. 2 Cor 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This ‘infirmity’ may never leave me. But neither will the Lord Jesus Christ.

Is 41:10 NLT Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Is 41:13 NLT I am holding you by your right hand–I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, `Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.

Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Savior be honor and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. Jude 24-25

With this kind of God – and the enormous love He sheds upon me – how can I give up? How can I quit? I can…but I am compelled by His great love – to love. I love, because He first loved me(1 John 4:19).

I do have past mistakes, and I’m pretty sure I will make future mistakes, and I have even made mistakes today. But God knew all about them, and MY God is BIG enough to handle MY mistakes, an make sure that all things work together for my good and His glory! Anything less is a lack of faith…as in, my God is too small. I got to let Him out of the box I keep putting Him in! It’s when I let HIM be God that I truly enjoy the joy of the Lord.

I praise God that He had Faith call. I praise God that I had a human voice that was Jesus to me. I praise God for His great love, compassion, and patience with me.

A year ago, this may have turned out differently, but by God’s grace, I am here, and I shall live to declare the glory of God!(Ps 118:17)

Thanks for joining me in this journey,

In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.