Tag Archives: Jesus Loves Me

2017 My One Word – #mydays – wk5day3

Psalm 90:12

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

This is today’s 750words. It’s about #mydays.

Warning – it is NOT a theological discussion! It does contain potential triggering information.

It is my heart cry to understand.

deep breath
i wish that i had a whole lot more experience with good doctors.
doctors that cared about their patients, and cared about the outcome and that were more concerned about their healthy recovery than their money.
why would someone go into medicine and not be concerned about their patients?
really, do so many go in just to have a profitable career?
Lord you brought S and M into our lives at a very difficult time, and for them, the time has gotten very difficult.
it’s negligence and a man’s life is in danger.
this make me furious.

thank you, lord for the senior tech that did my eyes yesterday.
thank you, lord that she and i were able to come up with a possible cause. sugar!
ok, another reason for me to stop sugar! sigh.
i’m supposed to be taking care of this temple.
and I eat sugar when i am frustrated, angry, sad, glad, afraid!
i eat sugar to comfort and to celebrate.
why?
my emotions are not allowed!
it’s more acceptable for someone to eat their emotions than to show their emotions.
it feels better to scream that i am angry about a doctor not caring for my friend well.
but, with a quiet man as my husband – and it’s not his fault – i tend to try to be more quiet for him. he’d laugh at that! but lord, you know it’s true.
it’s more acceptable to go to a party and sit and eat cake and drink alcohol than it is to jump up and down and hug and high five…unless of course you are watching a football game and at a football party/bar.
i’m really a very demonstrative person – at least I used to be.
as a child – i loved to do things and give things and make things for people, and i remember the time i was surprised with my first bike for my birthday. i ran and jumped up on my dad to give him a hug, i probably screamed! I was so happy.
i wonder what happened.

i don’t have to wonder too hard – sex happened.
if i made him mad – sex
if i made him happy – sex
if he gave me something – sex
it was always sex
and then i would hurt
of course, a child would hurt from the sex of an adult –
13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2
EIGHTEEN MONTHS
sex done to a child would hurt –
it’s why the ob/gyns in the navy saw such damage to my vagina and cervix –
it’s why they said i could never have children
my insides were such a mess the stoic navy guy doc gasped when doing the exam.
“it’s a mess in here! What happened?” actually – wth happened here?
He actually jumped.
I didn’t know – so I asked “what are you talking about.”
he quickly composed himself – “oh, just some scarring.”
12 years later the memories returned.
but it took years for me to put the pieces together, the things that happened in the present(at that time) while i did not remember, and put them together with the memories.
timelines – i want timelines!
but my memories are fading…i only have my journals.
and, the book. I’m supposed to write this book about my past, how i got to my present and my goals for my future.
and, i wonder if that doctor had told me what he’d seen, would i have started to remember? of course, they were not allowed to ‘lead’ a victim…they were not allowed to plant ideas into the head of a victim.
so I went along through life, wondering what was wrong with me…not knowing that it was something done to me.
what about doctors?
what about the family doctor that cared for me…shouldn’t he have known?
except there was nothing they could do back then, unless the child said something.
thank GOD that my mom apparently found out when I was 12 – sent me away to Florida, and separated from, then divorced my dad.
family called me the whore, the hussy, the tramp, slut – but i had no idea what had happened to me.
such horrors cause the brain to break into little pieces. thing were locked away.

but that trip to Florida set me up to meet Jerry the evangelist – and find out how to be a christian – to find out how to read the bible(didn’t know that was part of being a christian) – found out that I love love love the bible.
The memories almost ruined our marriage.
The memories still haunt our marriage.
The memories still hinder our marriage.
the memories, well, the act, has left scars in my body, my mind, my heart – and even in my spirit and whether i can trust my father God.
But I have learned grace.
I have learned forgiveness.
I’m still learning grace and forgiveness – daily.
but, mostly, it’s learning to give myself grace and mercy, extend forgiveness to myself – and then, to allow God to fill me with His Spirit – and to believe what I’ve written – that I have been chosen since before the foundation of the world.
I am loved by the creator of the universe!
I have worth, because THE GOD says so!
And who am I to argue with God?
I love you Lord Jesus – I ask you to stay
close by me forever and love me I pray
keep all your dear children in your tender care
and take us to heaven to live with thee there.
Amen!

No wonder I’ve struggled with suicide and depression all of my life.
No wonder I am an advocate for mental health awareness and rights.
No wonder I feel for those that cannot speak for themselves, that do not understand what is going on, that are bullied, abused, baited and attacked.
My past experiences have made me who I am.
My faith in Jesus Christ has kept me alive.
My heart is filled with emotion, and I feel so much.
I pray that I am a light, a source of grace and love to everyone.
In Jesus’ name.

I need to write this book – That is what today’s 750words has opened up for me.
I am able to write about this, without falling apart for weeks, or ending up in the hospital.
I am able to be ridiculed and called names without falling apart.
I have grown – and for that I thank Jehovah – Yhwh – G_d – through Jesus Christ, and by His Holy Spirit.
If it’s not clear which God I serve…it’s because someone isn’t listening!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission.
The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!

Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2016 – Arting at Stone Mountain Georgia(prepare)


Before we left for Atlanta and Stone Mountain, I was preparing my art materials in order to take them with us. One of my tools is a camera. The preparation was so that I could utilize one of the gifts that God has placed within me.

This is the meditation that came about as I thought about painting as worship. It also includes a meditation after I lost my camera.

~Christi

Psalm 139:14 I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Ephesians 2:10 I was created in Christ for good works which God prepared beforehand that ib should walk in them. 

He gives everyone gifts. Got Questions has written an answer to how does God give spiritual gifts.

1 Peter 4:10 We are expected to use the gifts that we have been given!

Romans 11:29 The gifts and calling of God are without repentance

Matthew 5:14-17New International Version (NIV)

14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

I have been told that I have a gift when it comes to art.
I have not been so sure, until folks that do art are doing things that amaze me, and tell me that my work, without training, is amazing.
I have denied what I have – and therefore, I have not used it for any type of worship consistently.

Don’t bury your gift/ talents !!!

Matthew 25:14-30
Luke 19:11-27

The parable of the talents is very scary when you look at the one that buried his talent…sent into outer darkness.
In Lukes version, they were brought and killed.
That’s a high price for hiding your talent! 

Like forgive as we are forgiven…if you don’t forgive,  God will not forgive you.

Matthew 6:14-15(Right after the Lord’s Prayer!)
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Forgiveness is a gift. From God. Therefore, we should give forgiveness!
Ephesians 4:32
Colossians 3:13

Mercy is how we are given forgiveness.
Deuteronomy 4:31
For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath.

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

A commentary about God’s Mercy is very enlightening.

Grace is how we receive the gift of faith.

Ephesians 2:8-9New International Version (NIV)

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

  • To not give forgiveness when it’s been freely given is to say that I have more right to be wounded than God!
  • To not be merciful when I’ve been given so much mercy is to cheapen that gift.
  • To not give grace through forgiveness is to hide that gift of God under a bushel.

Matthew 5:16
Let your light so shine before men,  that they may see your good works (for which we are created) and glorify your father in heaven. 

This is how we turn our gifts back to God as worship.

So, on October 6, 2016, I chose to walk out to a pavilion, carrying my painting supplies, in order to worship God in the nature, and to paint as worship to Him!

Update; three days later –
That day, I took photos in order to paint after leaving the area. Once we arrived in Ohio from Atlanta, I searched for that camera, and it is no where to be found.

I fell prey to the enemy telling me that I was not worthy to be an artist for Christ. And, he’s right. I am not worthy.

I wrote this on Facebook:

I was so excited about painting at Stone Mountain.
I was so excited about my first plein air painting.
I was content to finish it with the photograph on my camera.
I was looking forward to painting Stone Mountain from the photos I was able to take as we left the park.
I am devastated to realize that the camera is missing – and unless it shows up in Jim Wildman’s computer bag(no reason for it to be there}, it is gone. Last known place is the rental car we turned in at Atlanta.
Even worse? I have no idea what other photos are on the camera,
And, today, I will not be able to take photos of our grandson playing football.
I’m feeling very stupid, careless, and a hundred other negative feelings about myself. The camera is part of my ‘job’ tools. If Jim Wildman were to lose his laptop, a composer lose his sheet music in progress, or a dancer lose her shoes – it would be similar in devastation.

I’m so sad. and the worst part is that I wanted photos of the grandkids.

I am not worthy – except that I have embraced Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and IN HIM, I am counted as worthy to bear the name of Christ – as in Christian. IN HIM, I am counted as worthy to be a standard bearer, an ambassador for him. The enemy always forgets that part when attacking me! or any of us!

It always seems to be that once I commit to doing something for the Lord, something happens to undermine it. The other interesting part of this is that I felt that I needed to defend my discouragement by pointing out the issues like not being able to photograph our grandson. That was important, but, I have hidden my talents for so many years that I was really thrilled to pull them out and try to let them shine. I had a phone to take photos of our grandson. And they turned out pretty well! In my own lack of worth, I felt that I was not even good enough consider the loss of my camera for the art’s sake as important.

Was God surprised about the camera? Of course not.
Can we replace the camera? Yes – though we’d rather not spend that money right now.
Does God forgive me my carelessness? Of course.
Do I? That is a different story! Probably a different post!
Did God stop loving me or call me an unprofitable servant? Of course NOT!
Do I? call myself an unprofitable servant? It’s been known to happen.

There is something about learning to see myself with Jesus’s eyes.
This song is for me and my friend Shirley –

The upside is that Jim will be stopping by home, and coming back with our other camera, and we will be back in Atlanta before I return home. We will drive back to Stone Mountain, and by God’s grace and mercy, snap a few more photos so that I can share the glory of God!
No matter how dismal the situation seems, if my heart is focused upon serving the Lord Jesus, He will make all things work together for the good!

Romans 8:28-30

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Preparation?

  • First – know that you are called and have a calling! that means preparing with a relationship with the Creator God through His son, Jesus Christ.
  • Second – have the tools ready, available, and portable to go when and where you are called. Prepare with packing and packaging!
  • Third – Remember that our enemy is a roaring lion, prowling about looking for whom he can destroy. Prepare for the battles!
  • Fourth, and this may be the most important – prepare my heart by hiding God’s word within!

I hope you enjoyed this little insight into my life. Once I have the new photos of Stone Mountain, I will post those here, and maybe even the finished painting!

Me and My Love

Me and My Love

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I want to thank Blue Letter Bible and
Bible Gateway and
Bible Hub for the ability to search the Bible online.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Naomi’s Heart Ministries