Tag Archives: let go

neon letters saying Let Go!

2023 My One Word – Let Go – guest author Cassie Phillips

neon letters saying Let Go!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

 

I found this on facebook.

I do not know the author, but I have given them credit. This resonates with me in the light of this year’s one word “Let Go”

 

 

“Let Them”

 

“Just Let them.

If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.

If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM. 

If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM. 

If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM. 

If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.

If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM. 

If they want to walk out of your life and leave, 

hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

 

Let them lose you.

You were never theirs, because you were always your own. 

 

So let them. 

 

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.

Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.

Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.

Let them earn your forgiveness.

Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.

Let them take you out on a Thursday.

Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to. 

Let them have a safe place in you.

Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden. 

Let them love you. “

 

Author: Cassie Phillips

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is not quite the same as LET GO, but it has the concept.

I am having to make many decisions.

so do others.

Letting go is letting them.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2023 My One Word – Let Go – February 1

neon letters saying Let Go!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Let Go of assumptions of outcome

“I didn’t get all 31 days done in Wisdom and Praise”

I wanted to see a nice complete list of a month in a glance of all of the Psalms and Proverbs in one place so that others can utilize this tool.  I missed a couple of days (1 day totally, 1 day not quite right because of not having the vision, 2 days just have video and 2 days have nothing – 6 out of 31). Here’s the thoughts that have gone through my head:

  1. I’m a failure
  2. someone is going to miss a day because of me
  3. people will know that I took some days off
  4. I didn’t put in enough effort
  5. The world is going to end because I wasn’t faithful

Here’s how I’ve  talked to myself and “Let Go”,  I have checked the facts:

  • I’m a failure
    • – everyone fails – get over yourself
    • at least you tried
    • you got further than if you hadn’t tried
  • someone is going to miss a day because of me
    • The days are listed with the Psalms and Proverbs – they can read it on their own.
    • Reading these chapters isn’t bound to some date – they can grab any of them
    • People are on their own to do their own Bible study – you just provided a tool(yes, incomplete right now)
  • people will know that I took some days off
    • and very few people work 31 days in a row
    • God rested after 7 days
      • yes, His work was perfect and complete, but you aren’t God
    • Why does it matter what people think?
      • because I need affirmation and validation
        • but I need to look to Jesus for that.
  • I didn’t put in enough effort
    • You put in the effort that you had, with rest, eating, and spending time with friends
    • You kept up sleep hygiene, until tonight, and even participated in a social activity – this is balanced.
  • The world is going to end because I wasn’t faithful
    • THIS is catastrophizing
    • THIS is a lie
    • This isn’t actually a thought, I just thought it fit for drama.

Let Go Let God illustrationI need to remind myself that as long as I don’t put something between me and God, I’m not sinning, and therefore I am probably OK.

I need to remind myself that God chose an imperfect person to share His word, and that He didn’t expect perfection.

I need to remind myself that the ONE person that believes in me is God through Jesus Christ, filling me with the Holy Spirit. It’s hard, but when it comes down to it, can I settle for the validation and affirmation from the One I believe created the Universe?  I’ll get back to you on that one.

But, here’s my letting Go, starting out February, with another Bible Study Project for the month.  And here’s my promise to use grace and love, and maybe a little bit of mercy to apply to myself moving forward.  I choose Love, Joy, Peace, Patience…you get the point.

How about you?  Do you have a song that fits? share it in the comments.
~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Let Go Let God illustration

My One Word – Letting Go – Suicide?

Welcome to my thoughts. I am pretty open and honest about what I am going through.

This year, 2023, I have received a phrase for my annual ONE WORD focus, Let Go.

I have written a lot about my issues with suicidal thoughts.

I am dealing with some health issues.

  • I am five years clean from Kidney Cancer – so that’s good.
  • My HbA1c has dropped to better numbers. Technically, DM2 is in remission – so that’s good.
  • I’m getting injections in my back for a disk that is compromised – so that’s good.
  • I’m losing weight – a comorbidity to many diseases – so I’m moving forward
  • I have cirrhosis – non repairable – leads to a transplant if progresses before I’m 70
      • this is NOT good – and is a terminal condition.
    • My liver scores are lower, by half, than ever in decades – this should be good.
    • I was disappointed to see that. The life changes I’ve done have slowed down the degenerative nature of the cirrhosis.

Did you see what I said? I was disappointed to see that things were improving.

I had the same feeling when I heard that the second cyst in my other kidney was not changing – no evidence of that one turning cancerous like the first one did.

WHY AM I DISAPPOINTED THAT MY HEALTH ISSUES ARE IMPROVING?

BECAUSE I WILL LIVE LONGER.

I’ve talked about suicide. Here’s one of my posts that talk about the cycle and of passive suicide.  This one was written January 2009.  I committed suicide, was found non responsive and was brought back to life by Emergency medical people on November 18, 2009.

Now to today.  When I found out that my liver disease was going to kill me, I was relieved.  You see, as my faith is, I cannot commit suicide without eternal negative ramifications.  I hold in my mind two disagreeing positions.  I cannot commit suicide, but the ones that I know who have committed suicide, I believe that God is a merciful God and will see their struggles and grant them access to the Kingdom of God. But I cannot allow that belief to be true for me, or I will again choose to kill myself.

Since 2015, because of a two month program with La Amistad in Winter Park, Florida, I have looked forward to living.  I would say I don’t want to die.  I would try to do things that were alive and living and helping others.  I was trying to have a purpose for my life, and I believed I had one.

Until the other day.  When the realization of the liver numbers hit me, and I was thinking why am I sad about that, I was shocked.  That means that my life may well be extended. That means that I really need a purpose, goals, steps and plans for the future.  I may be here longer than age 70. Damn it.

But wait!  I was saying I wanted to live – was that a lie?  No – I wanted to live the life I had left with vim and vigor.  And I was content that it wasn’t going to be long – my liver was going to finish me off.  I was comforted by the fact that my body was going to cut my life short.  I would not be responsible for that.

I actually started looking back at the last 6 months and wondered what I had been doing that might have had this change in my liver!

  • food?
    • no – going back to the 6 months ago labwork, I had been on my trip, eating fast food, processed food, and drinking a lot of diet pop.
  • exercise?
    • no – going back to the 6 months labs,  I was travelling – in a truck.  I walked the dog 3 times a day.  Not far.
  • coffee?
    • yes, the doctor told me to drink coffee, but I like it cold so I didn’t drink coffee on the trip, but I drank diet caffein pop, several canfulls.
    • when I went through drive throughs I bought the largest diet cola they had, with lite ice.  easily 64 ounces a day – often more.

I have no idea what I did to create these great blood lab numbers! And I wanted to reverse what I was doing.  Here’s the rub:

  • food?
    • I moved out of my trailer into an apartment, which has hit my budget so that I can’t eat out so much.
    • In addition, I’ve started making my own food – for budget sake and for liver sake
  • exercise?
    • I’m walking the dog 2-3 times a day, and often we go to the dog park area in our community and I play soccer with her – me kicking the ball, doing leg raises to try to get the ball from her, jumping around playing keep away.
    • I’m doing some basic exercises daily in front of the TV to mitigate pain
  • coffee?
    • well now – I’ve gotten a bit addicted to cold brew coffee, and drinking it for the morning – at least 3 cups.
    • I was given a small coffee drip maker and I’m making my own coffee for putting over ice.

The only thing I can do is to stop the coffee – and it really is helping me in other ways. I’ve even continued taking NSAIDS because of pain, and they are not affecting the numbers.  So, I’m cursed to remain on these paths towards better health.  Better Health means longer life.  I am disappointed.

I could be all spiritual about this and say that it’s because I want to go and be with Jesus, which is true, but this is not the spirit behind this disappointment.  I recognize this spirit.  It’s the same one, cleaned up and wrapped up differently, than the one that wanted me to die – to leave this world, and all it’s struggles, despair and disappointment.  This is the Suicide Spirit – just passive.

Passive Suicide.

I’ll be writing more about this, because I have history with several types of passive suicide. I just didn’t know that I was still being ruled by one.
LET GO
Who would have thought that letting God would mean that I needed to search my heart deep and Let Go of a sneaky, stealthy enemy lurking deep in my heart, secretly rejoicing in the probability of my demise.

I didn’t think it was there.
Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Proverbs 20:5 (HCSB)

Counsel in a man’s heart is deep water; but a man of understanding draws it out.

1 Corinthians 2:11a (BSB)

11 For who among men knows the thoughts[a] of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him?

I went through a very overt struggle over December with desires to not live, to not wake up, to not go another minute.  My doctor, my therapist and the pharmacist, as well as leaders of my groups helped me through those days.  But I was very aware of those urges, because of anniversaries and triggering memories.

  • No one knows about this deep dark desire to die early, by whatever means my body would give me.
  • No one knows how I’ve thought about DNR
  • and about end of time maintenance, comfort care in hospice.
  • No one knows how disappointed I am in this turn towards health.

This is silent
This is passive
This is suicidal ideation, as a core thought process.

LET GO
I have known suicide at least as far back as when I was 16, and then it was as real to me that I talked to a psychiatrist that let me know that all 16 year olds had thoughts of killing themselves. I have since talked to friends and asked them, do they think of dying, by their own hand or by disease? NO! is the answer – a resounding NO! And those that have disease look to death as a release, but not a desire. And they have to do the mental hoop jumping to get themselves in a positive mindset that if death is the end result they will leave peacefully, having gotten their affairs in order. This peace, this resolve to face their destiny is not what I’m talking about with me.

Deep down, I want to die. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’m tired of the fights.
I’m tired of the push.
I’m tired of the abuse.
I’m tired of the effort it takes to walk out into the world and try to be a smiling, joyful person – even though that is basically what I am in public. Am I a fake? No, most of me is joyful, not wanting to burden anyone with sadness, but rather bless them with a smile. I love to do that. That is who I am.

But so is this.
And I have to Let Go.
I don’t know what will happen if I let go.
The saying Let Go and Let God come flooding in at this moment.

We are made in God’s image – triune. Body, Mind and Spirit. But, while God the Father seems to be the reigning part of the Godhead – our bodies tend to be our reigning aspect. Our minds can also get so bogged down with negative things that it can be the reigning aspect. And if there is trauma, messing up the healthy connection between mind and body, things can get twisted. Cognitive Distortions come along. The healthy mental pathways don’t get laid down properly. The basic animal instinct of survival of the fittest is overwritten with thoughts that I am not the fittest, that I don’t belong, that I am a detriment to the others that need to survive.  These can lead to depression, which can lead to suicidal ideations.

I am giving up this mentality because it is a door that keeps the good things of the Lord from flooding in.  It keeps me from truly feeling the joy that comes from living my life for Jesus Christ.  It makes it difficult to practice self care – because I don’t deserve it, or it might extend my life – this life I want nothing to do with.

BUT GOD!  I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the promises in Christ are yes and amen.

  • 2 Cornithians 1:20 (NIV)
    • For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.
  • Jeremiah 29:11 Berean Standard Bible –
    • 11For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
  • And with the promise in Jeremiah comes some extra blessings from God (Jer 29:12-13)
    •  12Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 1
  • Deuteronomy talks about choices after being set free from captivity – which I have been to suicide. (Deut 30:11-20 NLT)
    • 15 “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. 16 For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.

I have to make a choice.  A deep down in my heart choice.  To root out this deadly thought process so that it cannot jump up and grab me again, messing with my mind and setting in motion things that will be detrimental to my living the life that God has prepared for me.

woman at sunset with arms outstretchedI will LET GO of the desire to die.

I will LET GOD fill me with HIS light and life, to wash out all darkness.

I am grateful to God that He chose to expose this to me so that I could repent and turn back to Him.

Please keep me in your prayer as I continue to walk this path, and as I continue to advocate for Suicide Awareness, and Suicide Prevention,

If you or anyone  you know is having trouble and could possibly consider suicide, or self harm, Please call 988. If you are a veteran, press 1.  There is help. Some even understand what we are struggling with, and will walk with us.

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

My One Word – Let Go with Gabby?

Let go
Letting go of the concept of perfection.
How does that apply to my service dog Gabby?

When Gabby was presented to me as an option I knew nothing about poodles and the only thing I knew about Labradors was that I had had one when I was 12 years old. I didn’t know about doodles and that labradoodles were different personalities than golden doodles and that personality traits came from their parentage. I knew NOTHING.

That’s about as far as I’m gonna go with the whole genetics thing and parenting.

(for those interested in getting a service dog for their disability – here is a place where I could have obtained much information on getting started with a dog search!)

When I went to meet her there were 3 that the “breeders” thought fit the criteria based on the temperament test article that I sent the breeders. Now these breeders were a family that had a poodle and a doodle and before they did any neutering they wanted the female to have puppies.

They definitely weren’t breeders because before they realized it they had an “oops” litter. I met Gabby’s older sister at a psychiatric service dog partner’s convention. I didn’t realize that observing a dog that had been under intense training for the 1st 9 months of their life was not necessarily the best indicator for what their younger sibling would have with my range of training. Again, I knew NOTHING!

I had just learned about temperament training from Psychiatric Service Dog Partners. My 1st service dog was basically a unicorn that I found at the pound that alerted to my heart rate and my diabetes naturally and we just trained him everything else and he was perfect. I really wasn’t looking forward to going to dog shelter after dog shelter seeing if one of them would automatically alert to my sugar or my heart rate.

Enter the thought of getting a puppy that I could bond with early.
In 2019.
I met the 3 dogs, Puppies.
Gabby passed the temperament test.
I didn’t have a clue about doing a temperament test on the parents.
I didn’t have a clue that a heightened sense of curiosity could cause me problems down the road getting her to let go of something she’s hyper focused on.
All I was concerned on was that she had a good bill of health which she did.

But I didn’t have any idea about possible stomach issues, and needing to feed special feed.

Then I shattered my shoulder before she was 4 months old.
All of her early socialization had to deal with her off my lap because I was in excruciating pain, done by others who didn’t really understand the socialization concept, and one person that decided it was funny to encourage her desire to chase after birds and squirrels(this is genetic in a dog that is bred from two hunting breeds).
No one has ever seemed to understand my concept of how a dog should walk with me. Not with my 1st service dog and definitely not with my puppy.

Once I started training her, Covid hit. Now we couldn’t go meet other dogs, we couldn’t go meet other people, we couldn’t go to group training sessions. She and I did virtual classes but there is nothing like having a seasoned trainer see you working with the dog and picking up on something you may not and helping you to fine tune things.

For many things Gabby loved learning.
Gabby was very curious.
And the grandchildren next door were continually more than she could handle to pull her attention away from.

3 years later, Gabby still has a very heightened curiosity. She has learned to settle in many situations from a heightened activity, But not distraction.

I wonder if her parents had these tendencies because they were left to run free on a property In upstate New York. They could explore to their hearts content. And if I recall they didn’t exactly have the best recall.

Is this genetics?
Is this environmental?
Is this my failure as a trainer?

One thing I know, I have to let go of perfectionism for Gabby. She’s a living creature. And to do her job she has to have some freedom to read a situation and make a decision. She cannot be a robot.

My current training came to a screeching halt because of stomach issues. We did scans, xrays, tests. “It’s poodle stomach” I’ve heard over and over again. I had NOTHING I could give her as a food treat to tweak her training. I couldn’t sign up with a trainer, because they always ask for a list of various level treats with which to reward (entice, bribe) Gabby. I was struggling. Gabby needed continual reminders, as do all dogs, and I was not able to give her the simple treats.

I had to let go of my manner of rewarding Gabby. EVERYONE uses treats. I’m very blessed that Gabby LOVES to be scritched on the head and kissed on the nose and told good girl!!! Her come isn’t perfect, and my training hasn’t been perfect, but she’s amazig.


Another thing I know is that I hold myself to a very high standard and I demand that I am perfect in all of my interactions with Gabby and I am constantly disappointing myself. I need to let go of perfectionism for myself. There are times that I am in pain and I cannot bend over the give Gabby the skritch and kiss. There are times I get lost in thought, and the only thing I work on is her pulling, staying within the leash length, or walking right next to me. When I am lost in thought, she usually sees the squirrels before me – and I don’t have the time to cue her “Leave It” and “walk on”. I’m not perfect.

Why am I wondering about this right now? I have found a training program for Gabby and I, And I need to make sure that I don’t have unrealistic expectations for Gabby and that I don’t tear myself up so much that I can’t be the handler that she needs.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up.
I’m letting go of ways that don’t work or have not been completely successful.
I’m adding on the help of a professional.
And I’m trying to wrap it all up with grace for both of us.

When I write about my dog, I will share links that will help you to make informed decisions. For this journey with Gabriella Grace, The Psychiatric Service Dog Partners has been amazing. The are an all volunteer, Non-profit organization advocating and educating about Service Dogs, and specifically Psychiatric Service Dogs.  Gabby is a Psychiatric Service dog that alerts to my anxieties, pulls me out of isolation and tickles me when I am getting depressed.  I’ve written about my anxiety, depression, and suicide on this website. Having a Psychiatric Service Dog is a lifeline for me.

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey, In His hands and under His wings, ~Christi Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2023 first 100 days – day 1

2023 first 100 days day 1 – January 1

Yesterday, January day 1, I wrote a blog about something very painful to let go of.
I’m waiting for some wisdom from others if this is something that I should share based on my promise to live life real.

sometimes God doesn’t decide to slowly ease you into His path. Sometimes it’s screeching brakes, quick look to see if there is anyone you are going to run over, and a turn before you crash into the exit barrier!

This is what January 1, 2023 had for me.
Something that has been brewing for many years.
Something that affects relationships that are over half of my age old.

And something I did not want to let go.

Is letting go giving up? No.
sometimes letting go is letting God.

and sometimes you realize that the thing in God’s way is ME!

Maybe I will be given freedom to share that post – in the mean time, if God is asking you to let go of something extremely painful, maybe it’s because you are holding on too tight with both hands and need some freedom to see the situation with different eyes.

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey, In His hands and under His wings, ~Christi Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.