Tag Archives: mental illness

Let Go Let God illustration

My One Word – Letting Go – Suicide?

Welcome to my thoughts. I am pretty open and honest about what I am going through.

This year, 2023, I have received a phrase for my annual ONE WORD focus, Let Go.

I have written a lot about my issues with suicidal thoughts.

I am dealing with some health issues.

  • I am five years clean from Kidney Cancer – so that’s good.
  • My HbA1c has dropped to better numbers. Technically, DM2 is in remission – so that’s good.
  • I’m getting injections in my back for a disk that is compromised – so that’s good.
  • I’m losing weight – a comorbidity to many diseases – so I’m moving forward
  • I have cirrhosis – non repairable – leads to a transplant if progresses before I’m 70
      • this is NOT good – and is a terminal condition.
    • My liver scores are lower, by half, than ever in decades – this should be good.
    • I was disappointed to see that. The life changes I’ve done have slowed down the degenerative nature of the cirrhosis.

Did you see what I said? I was disappointed to see that things were improving.

I had the same feeling when I heard that the second cyst in my other kidney was not changing – no evidence of that one turning cancerous like the first one did.

WHY AM I DISAPPOINTED THAT MY HEALTH ISSUES ARE IMPROVING?

BECAUSE I WILL LIVE LONGER.

I’ve talked about suicide. Here’s one of my posts that talk about the cycle and of passive suicide.  This one was written January 2009.  I committed suicide, was found non responsive and was brought back to life by Emergency medical people on November 18, 2009.

Now to today.  When I found out that my liver disease was going to kill me, I was relieved.  You see, as my faith is, I cannot commit suicide without eternal negative ramifications.  I hold in my mind two disagreeing positions.  I cannot commit suicide, but the ones that I know who have committed suicide, I believe that God is a merciful God and will see their struggles and grant them access to the Kingdom of God. But I cannot allow that belief to be true for me, or I will again choose to kill myself.

Since 2015, because of a two month program with La Amistad in Winter Park, Florida, I have looked forward to living.  I would say I don’t want to die.  I would try to do things that were alive and living and helping others.  I was trying to have a purpose for my life, and I believed I had one.

Until the other day.  When the realization of the liver numbers hit me, and I was thinking why am I sad about that, I was shocked.  That means that my life may well be extended. That means that I really need a purpose, goals, steps and plans for the future.  I may be here longer than age 70. Damn it.

But wait!  I was saying I wanted to live – was that a lie?  No – I wanted to live the life I had left with vim and vigor.  And I was content that it wasn’t going to be long – my liver was going to finish me off.  I was comforted by the fact that my body was going to cut my life short.  I would not be responsible for that.

I actually started looking back at the last 6 months and wondered what I had been doing that might have had this change in my liver!

  • food?
    • no – going back to the 6 months ago labwork, I had been on my trip, eating fast food, processed food, and drinking a lot of diet pop.
  • exercise?
    • no – going back to the 6 months labs,  I was travelling – in a truck.  I walked the dog 3 times a day.  Not far.
  • coffee?
    • yes, the doctor told me to drink coffee, but I like it cold so I didn’t drink coffee on the trip, but I drank diet caffein pop, several canfulls.
    • when I went through drive throughs I bought the largest diet cola they had, with lite ice.  easily 64 ounces a day – often more.

I have no idea what I did to create these great blood lab numbers! And I wanted to reverse what I was doing.  Here’s the rub:

  • food?
    • I moved out of my trailer into an apartment, which has hit my budget so that I can’t eat out so much.
    • In addition, I’ve started making my own food – for budget sake and for liver sake
  • exercise?
    • I’m walking the dog 2-3 times a day, and often we go to the dog park area in our community and I play soccer with her – me kicking the ball, doing leg raises to try to get the ball from her, jumping around playing keep away.
    • I’m doing some basic exercises daily in front of the TV to mitigate pain
  • coffee?
    • well now – I’ve gotten a bit addicted to cold brew coffee, and drinking it for the morning – at least 3 cups.
    • I was given a small coffee drip maker and I’m making my own coffee for putting over ice.

The only thing I can do is to stop the coffee – and it really is helping me in other ways. I’ve even continued taking NSAIDS because of pain, and they are not affecting the numbers.  So, I’m cursed to remain on these paths towards better health.  Better Health means longer life.  I am disappointed.

I could be all spiritual about this and say that it’s because I want to go and be with Jesus, which is true, but this is not the spirit behind this disappointment.  I recognize this spirit.  It’s the same one, cleaned up and wrapped up differently, than the one that wanted me to die – to leave this world, and all it’s struggles, despair and disappointment.  This is the Suicide Spirit – just passive.

Passive Suicide.

I’ll be writing more about this, because I have history with several types of passive suicide. I just didn’t know that I was still being ruled by one.
LET GO
Who would have thought that letting God would mean that I needed to search my heart deep and Let Go of a sneaky, stealthy enemy lurking deep in my heart, secretly rejoicing in the probability of my demise.

I didn’t think it was there.
Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Proverbs 20:5 (HCSB)

Counsel in a man’s heart is deep water; but a man of understanding draws it out.

1 Corinthians 2:11a (BSB)

11 For who among men knows the thoughts[a] of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him?

I went through a very overt struggle over December with desires to not live, to not wake up, to not go another minute.  My doctor, my therapist and the pharmacist, as well as leaders of my groups helped me through those days.  But I was very aware of those urges, because of anniversaries and triggering memories.

  • No one knows about this deep dark desire to die early, by whatever means my body would give me.
  • No one knows how I’ve thought about DNR
  • and about end of time maintenance, comfort care in hospice.
  • No one knows how disappointed I am in this turn towards health.

This is silent
This is passive
This is suicidal ideation, as a core thought process.

LET GO
I have known suicide at least as far back as when I was 16, and then it was as real to me that I talked to a psychiatrist that let me know that all 16 year olds had thoughts of killing themselves. I have since talked to friends and asked them, do they think of dying, by their own hand or by disease? NO! is the answer – a resounding NO! And those that have disease look to death as a release, but not a desire. And they have to do the mental hoop jumping to get themselves in a positive mindset that if death is the end result they will leave peacefully, having gotten their affairs in order. This peace, this resolve to face their destiny is not what I’m talking about with me.

Deep down, I want to die. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’m tired of the fights.
I’m tired of the push.
I’m tired of the abuse.
I’m tired of the effort it takes to walk out into the world and try to be a smiling, joyful person – even though that is basically what I am in public. Am I a fake? No, most of me is joyful, not wanting to burden anyone with sadness, but rather bless them with a smile. I love to do that. That is who I am.

But so is this.
And I have to Let Go.
I don’t know what will happen if I let go.
The saying Let Go and Let God come flooding in at this moment.

We are made in God’s image – triune. Body, Mind and Spirit. But, while God the Father seems to be the reigning part of the Godhead – our bodies tend to be our reigning aspect. Our minds can also get so bogged down with negative things that it can be the reigning aspect. And if there is trauma, messing up the healthy connection between mind and body, things can get twisted. Cognitive Distortions come along. The healthy mental pathways don’t get laid down properly. The basic animal instinct of survival of the fittest is overwritten with thoughts that I am not the fittest, that I don’t belong, that I am a detriment to the others that need to survive.  These can lead to depression, which can lead to suicidal ideations.

I am giving up this mentality because it is a door that keeps the good things of the Lord from flooding in.  It keeps me from truly feeling the joy that comes from living my life for Jesus Christ.  It makes it difficult to practice self care – because I don’t deserve it, or it might extend my life – this life I want nothing to do with.

BUT GOD!  I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the promises in Christ are yes and amen.

  • 2 Cornithians 1:20 (NIV)
    • For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.
  • Jeremiah 29:11 Berean Standard Bible –
    • 11For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
  • And with the promise in Jeremiah comes some extra blessings from God (Jer 29:12-13)
    •  12Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 1
  • Deuteronomy talks about choices after being set free from captivity – which I have been to suicide. (Deut 30:11-20 NLT)
    • 15 “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. 16 For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.

I have to make a choice.  A deep down in my heart choice.  To root out this deadly thought process so that it cannot jump up and grab me again, messing with my mind and setting in motion things that will be detrimental to my living the life that God has prepared for me.

woman at sunset with arms outstretchedI will LET GO of the desire to die.

I will LET GOD fill me with HIS light and life, to wash out all darkness.

I am grateful to God that He chose to expose this to me so that I could repent and turn back to Him.

Please keep me in your prayer as I continue to walk this path, and as I continue to advocate for Suicide Awareness, and Suicide Prevention,

If you or anyone  you know is having trouble and could possibly consider suicide, or self harm, Please call 988. If you are a veteran, press 1.  There is help. Some even understand what we are struggling with, and will walk with us.

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Depression, Dreams, Discussion, Despair, Drama, and I ?

What do you do when dreams come up that bring the trauma of the past back into your mind, triggering the body memories, the emotions, the lost feelings, the trapped feelings, the despair that once led to suicide?

I have several outlets.
I write:

I paint – and try to create peace with the paintings:

I do Bible journaling:

Psalm 23

Psalm 23

But is that what takes care of the issues that are buried deep and come out in dreams to be dealt with?

No.

It deals with the emotions of the now…that may or may not have current issues that triggered them.

There are various types of therapy that are used to try to heal the past, and here’s one I found on Goot Theray about the 4 steps to Erasing the Trauma of the Past.

I’m going to say that yes, sometimes this works.
If it worked 100% of the time, we would not have so many Veterans still suffering from PTSD.

In the general population, the numbers are staggering, to me:

70 % of adults experience at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime.
20% of those will develop PTSD.
About 8 million – MILLION – people have PTSD in a given year
1 in 13 will develop PTSD in their lifetime.

That’s a pandemic!
Information obtained from PTSD Facts and Statistics provided by Recovery Village.

I guess I’m not so special – 1 of 8 million…

Depression is Deadly:

More than 32,000 people commit suicide each year in the United States. Additionally, there are more than half a million unsuccessful suicide attempts. Nearly 1 million people commit suicide worldwide annually, and the estimated number of suicide attempts ranges from 10 million to 20 million.

information obtained from Facts about Suicde provided by Treatment4Addiction.

The CDC lists intentional self harm (suicide) as the 10th leading cause for death in the united states. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/deaths.htm

Depression, D(T)rauma, Despair, Death.

And those hidden memories that come up out of seemingly nowhere can be the start of someone spiraling down that depression whirlpool, being sucked in by the repeated memory, the ugly thoughts about themselves, the words and actions of the other person, the negative words given by others, the ignoring of the ‘secret’, don’t tell, don’t speak, don’t discuss – JUST DEAL!

the point is that once a person is damaged from trauma…they CAN’T DEAL. That’s what PTSD is all about!

There are chemical reactions in the brain – changes – that affect the ability to “DEAL” –
How PTSD effects the brain – great article.
How PTSD and Trauma affect Your Brain Functioning – by Psychology Today.
The effects of PTSD on the Hippocampus

They key is that trauma is once.
PTSD is trauma over a period of time – usually something that happened that the person could not get to a safe place and sensed a threat to their lives. No escape.
Each person with PTSD is different because each trauma is different.
The brain is rewired.
Many times, maybe most, the sufferer is not in control of the reaction to triggers.
Medications – well, most of them dull your senses…think a medical frontal lobotomy. It depends on the medication. It depends on the person. But I have not heard of anyone that says the medication had no side effects. Sometimes it’s great – like the combo that I am on and have been for many years.

For the most part, I can seem functional.
Then, dreams stir up memories.
Then, something happens that reminds me of an undealt with wound.

Last night – I had a series of those dreams. Dreams about someone that is alive, and continues to do things that trigger my memories, and has no intention of working through those memories, much less changing any behaviors to deal with those memories or apologize.

My other traumas deal with people who are dead, or whom I have no way of knowing where they are.
I can deal with those memories with forgiveness – and letting go.
They cannot hurt me any more.
It doesn’t matter that they didn’t care that they hurt me, repeatedly.
It’s over.
It can’t happen again.
I am safe.
I am free.

But to deal with people that are alive is a different story.
Current issues – that cannot be reconciled – they continue to cause repeated wounds, bringing back up the same issues of being used, being unwanted, being a burden, not being good enough for whatever.

Old issues that were never dealt with – some that led to traumatic actions on my part, have the potential to cause the same whirlpool sucking reaction…depending on where I am in my mental health.

Healthy – I can deal with them by the above method – the 4 steps above. I can address the lies with truth – though some ‘truth’ does not align with my personal concept of truth. I will always see myself as a burden as long as people do not have time to treat me with common courtesy, concern, or compassion. It’s hard to lift your own opinion of yourself when others continue to act in ways that confirm those very self images. If someone felt ugly, and another person of high importance in their lives continued to try to hide their face, or cover their face or disguise them – those actions would confirm the person’s self image – even if words are said to the contrary.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

So So Healthy – tired of the fight, but continuing. Trying to pull up from the slippery slope to depression. I try to deal with the thoughts with positives…but positives are hard to come by. and, many times they feel a bit Pollyanna-ish. I don’t live in Disney World where everything turns happy by the wave of a wand. I don’t have a fairy godmother that will send me to the ball where I will all of the sudden be embraced by everyone as someone special. I’m still a nobody – and so many things prove it.

False compliments(proven false by actions or words afterwards, or their lack of validity) – like giving a compliment to try to appease a situation, and the compliment has no validity – thanks for doing the dishes – and I didn’t. Thanks for cleaning up the whatever – you did, not me, you just forgot. You are doing so well in thus and such – when thus and such is worse than two weeks ago. You rode your bike well – when I fell off. Your writing is amazing – what was it about? ummmmmm.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS – BUT WORDS HURT.

Depressed – I might realize that I need to call my doctor or therapist to help me out of this slide…but by this time, my mind is becoming foggy from the brain chemistry, and I can’t think straight. It has been confirmed that I am a burden – by grunts, groans, ignoring, walking away from conversations, blaming me for the problem of depression, or pain, or weakness, or being hurt by words or actions.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. WORDS HURT. IGNORING CAN BE DEADLY.

Despair – no way out, no escape, nothing matters, no one cares, no one can help, no one wants to help, I’m not worth help, I don’t deserve help, everyone would be better off without me.

At this time, I have fought and fought, practiced my emergency protocol as a last ditch effort. Above, I’ve practiced every form of therapy option that I know of to clear up this depression, destructive thoughts, and despair. Now, I’m begging for help – and no one is listening. No one wants to understand what’s going on in order to possibly help me unwind this whirlpool, much less pull me out and get reset.

This is when I’m fighting for my life – and if no one else thinks my life is worth fighting for, well, that confirms it, doesn’t it? I’m not worth fighting for. So, why fight? I have nothing left with which to fight, and no one to fight alongside me.

This is where it gets deadly.

How can someone help prevent this downward spiral?

Listen – just listen.
Work through issues – with a concern to actually work out conflict
Be present – most will not hurt themselves when a person is with them.
Help to go through the self care protocols, the self emergency protocols, the path towards a reset.
Understand the triggers – and don’t be part of the problem.

How long does it take to spiral?

I’ve done it in one day – but that time took a very deadly turn.

I talk a lot about love. What do I mean by love?

1 Corinthians 13:1-8 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Love: The Superior Way
13 If I speak human or angelic languages
but do not have love,
I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy
and understand all mysteries
and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith
so that I can move mountains
but do not have love, I am nothing.
3 And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor,
and if I give my body in order to boast[a]
but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient,
love is kind.
Love does not envy,
is not boastful,
is not conceited,
5 does not act improperly,
is not selfish,
is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness
but rejoices in the truth.
7 It bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

8 Love never ends.

Some people think that this is not possible.

John 13:34-35 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
34 “I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another.
35 By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Jesus commanded us to love. JUST AS HE LOVED US!!! Would Jesus give us a command we could not keep? That wouldn’t be fair.

Matthew 23:11-12 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
11 The greatest among you will be your servant.
12 Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Jesus said to be a servant – and to be humbled. Isn’t that sort of embodied in 1 Corinthians 13?

John 15:9-14 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
9 “As the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Remain in My love.
10 If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commands and remain in His love.

11 “I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.
12 This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you.
13 No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
14 You are My friends if you do what I command you.

This describes how Jesus loved us…laying down his life for us – his friends.

Now, here’s a bit of the twisted thinking of someone with PTSD –
I love my family and friends so much that I will take my own life to relieve the burden of me from their lives.

Yes, I still have those thoughts – especially when I am in the depressed or despair levels. When I am obviously too much of a burden because of my physical, mental, and emotional illnesses, I want to relieve them of those pressures. They have plenty! They don’t need me, therefore, why continue?

Because I have worked through the whole suicide thing, and I’ve become a bit more selfish – I won’t kill myself for anyone.

This took 40 years of work to get to this place – and it still comes up.
I still get confirmation that I am a burden – because my issues do not warrant conflict resolution, consideration of triggers, compassionate understanding, when it’s at the good or so so levels. When I’m suicidal – well, even then, there’s the sense that they don’t want to deal with it again. Making it feel like I really need to make sure that if there is every another time, it will be the last and final time.

I am not a productive member of society.
I’m not even a productive member of our family.
I’m not even a productive wife.

I am just living, existing, with no benefit to those around me.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. BUT WORDS CAN HURT. ACTIONS AND WORDS CAN BE DEADLY.

How fast? I’ve known the thoughts to come almost instantly during a request for help that goes unanswered.

INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS – Albert Einstein

The very saddest part of the person with PTSD, depression or any other mental illness is how often people tell them that they are there for them, but when they ask for help, there’s no answer. After a while, why bother. The actions prove they only had words – no actual concern for the person’s welfare.

Now, I can do the Pollyanna thing here and say of course those others have their own lives, and are not responsible for helping someone with mental illness.
I can say that other people are not responsible for my choices, my reactions, my responses – my suicide attempts.

But there are two sides of the coin.
When there are triggers that can be avoided by someone, out of respect, and they continue to repeat that action…do they actually care? If they know that a specific behavior can put someone into a severe depression, possibly self harm and suicide = don’t they have some responsibility?

If someone runs a red light, and hits another car, and kills the drive – they are held responsible.
Yes, it was the other drivers choice to be driving on that road at that time.
The other driver ignored warning signs – STOP signs – and hit the other person.
Who’s responsible?

Sometimes I need help.
Sometimes I need listened to.
Sometimes I need conflict resolution to erase the wounds from the past that keep coming up and poisoning my present, threatening my future.

Does anyone care?

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Midnight Musings – Be Like Jesus – Jan 5, 2018

Often, I am given things in the middle of the night. Most of the time, I just lie there and beg to go back to sleep! Recently, I’ve been convicted to share these ramblings, and I’ve had some encouraging responses. So – here goes obedience! ~Christi
This is day 6 of 100 in 2018
and this fits into my one word(phrase) be like Jesus.

 

Okay, so I’ve binged. I ate the whole bag of Christmas chocolates.

I admit,

  • I am sick and tired of having problems with my legs.
  • I hate having to put the braces on to stretch out the tendons so that I don’t have the electric shock things.
  • I hate having to put ointment on my legs,
  • I hate having to wrap my legs,
  • I hate having to wear socks that compress my legs, and
  • I hate the fact that I’m doing all of these things and have no idea why I’m doing it because no one knows what’s going on.

NO ONE?
 

Well someone knows.
God knows.
God knows what’s going on with my body,
God knows what’s going on with my heart,
God knows what’s going on with my mind.

Romans 8:28English Standard Version (ESV)
28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[a] for those who are called according to his purpose.

Ephesians 2:10English Standard Version (ESV)
10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I have no idea what good works I can do when I’m spending so much time dealing with pain, headaches, other strange things that I get doctor saying “ooh that’s really weird, but I have no idea what it is!”
But God knows.
And I know God.
And one thing I know about God is it that he intends everything that happens in my life to do something good in me, so that I can glorify him in my life .
God says it…and I say I believe God…so therefore, I believe it is true, whether I understand or not.

Glorify God in my struggles?

Jesus said to let our light shine so that others would glorify God. (Matthew 5:16). Our purpose here is to glorify the King of Kings Lord of lords, Glory Glory! Our purpose here is to share with others the love, grace, mercy that is the heart of the King of kings and Lord of lords. And since there are going to be trials (thank you James), and we’re not supposed to be surprised that they come upon us (Thank you, Peter), we are to count it joy(Thanks again, James), we are to share our love, we are to be in peace, and the whole point of struggling, and suffering with Jesus, is to show how to suffer with Jesus (thanks again, Peter!).
For that matter – we’re not supposed to be surprised if the world hates us! (Thank you, Jesus, as reported by John!) They hated him, first.

1 Peter 2:12English Standard Version (ESV)
12 Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.

Empathy

There’s a verse about participating in the sufferings of Jesus, and that’s not what I’m talking about here, because this is about chronic illness, mental illness, and such things. These were not issues that Jesus dealt with, specifically.

For me, this is not confessing to be a Christian. Here in the United States of America, for the most part, it’s not hard to confess to be a Christian.

Suffering well, in any situation, shows others hope in their situation. Participating in suffering gives us a bridge to touch others who are suffering, because we can empathize, not just sympathize. Experiential Compassion.

Do Good?
For the most part, most Christians don’t look any different than everybody else. For the most part, the majority of the population gives the Christian church, and any faith-based anything really, a wide berth as do-gooders. But is that the tag, the evidence, of our Christianity? Doing Good?

I know that there are people that do not believe in Christ, who have no basic faith statement, but are good people! They choose to support the poor, to donate to organizations that help the homeless, that restore are land, help our schools, etc., etc., etc. How does that look any different than the Christians who collect food for the food pantry, go in and help with floods, and give their money wherever? How are WE supposed to look different?
How are OUR good works supposed to look differently?

Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

For me, with the problems I have with my legs, I can’t go stand at a soup kitchen, I can’t go serve for the floods, there’s so many things that I cannot do, and good people are doing more good than I am. So how do I stand out as a Christian in the midst of the darkness that we are surrounded by? How do I show empathy, and experiential compassion from the core of my faith? From Jesus in me?

LOVE
Jesus said to or through John that they will know us by our love. It has to be something different about our love compared to the love of your basic do-gooder. The love of Jesus was a love that suffered, and died, on our behalf. His life shows us how he struggled with those that would say things against him, that would choose to throw him off the cliff, and how he actually responded those last days as he knew he was going to end up on the cross.
What do we have to show, differently?

We love because he first loved us(1 John 4:19).
He loved us while we were yet sinners(Romans 5:8).
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son (John 3:16).
The symbol of our Christianity is that they will know us by our love(John 13:35).
Jesus showed us his love when as he was being tried and beaten and made fun of, he looked over and his best friend had just denied him.
Jesus showed us his love, when another of his disciples did not believe that he had risen and demanded to touch his feet and hands.
Jesus showed us his love when he embraced Peter back into the fold and asked him to feed his sheep.
Jesus showed us his love while he was hanging on the cross, and he looked down and asked John to take care of his mother Mary even though he knew he had brothers that could do the job.

How Can I show this type of Love?

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not envious, and does not seek its own way… And the rest of 1 Corinthians 13. As Paul said, if I speak with the tongue of angels and have not love, I am just a noisy gong.
This is NOT easy…and this is a growth!

JOY

Joy is another key that Christ has given us in the midst of trial.
He came that we would have joy and have it fully(John 15:11).
The joy of the Lord is our strength (Neh 8:10).
And in his presence is Joy forever more (Psalm 16:11).

KEY —> if we don’t have joy, it’s because we haven’t spent time in the presence of our King and Joy Giver.

I can’t really talk about Jesus showing Joy because that’s not really what the scripture talks about when it talks about how Christ responded. But I can say scripture points to Joy. The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, and I think the next is patience or long-suffering(yep, Gal 5:22-23). The spirit that is providing us with these fruit to grow is the Holy Spirit, the part of God that lives within us. So we should exhibit the love, and we need to exhibit the joy.

But on top of that, there’s some aspect of joy that should just emanate from the Christian, as well as peace in the midst of Trials.

PEACE
The next way to be different than the world in my trials is to have peace.
The peace of God that passes all understanding and keeps my heart and mind in Christ Jesus(Phil 4:7),
Who is the Prince of Peace(Is 9:6),
Who spoke to the storm “peace, Be Still” (Mark 4:35-41)
and said to us “be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
In the world there are tribulations (John 16:33)) but HE promises us peace.
Someone without the spirit of God within misses out on the peace that God grants us through his word and through prayer and through the privilege of fellowship with our creator father. So peace is the other indicator of our walk with Christ.

In Foxe’s Book of Martyrs, you can read about people that were singing hymns while they were burning at the stake. That is definitely joy and peace in the midst of a very serious trial. And I have never been asked to confess my faith or renounce my faith at the pain of death, or bodily harm. In our lifetime there have been Christians beheaded in Ethiopia area, there have been people, students, shot in schools because they were asked if they were Christian. There are Christians in China and India that are being tortured and killed. And I know someone from Indonesia who tells of the story of it being so dangerous to be Christian there. I want to look different, even here, in the United States.
I want to look like JESUS!

Conclusion?
James said

James 1: ESV
2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,
3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

The point is, sometimes trials are what God uses to grow us in love, joy, peace and patience (no, I didn’t write about patience, but it’s a good fruit to have!). When we exhibit that love, joy, peace and patience in the midst of turmoil, we actually glorify God in the midst of our struggles, and that is a very good thing. If in any way I can help someone walk through their Darkness and find some light from the Lord that brings them love, joy, peace, and patience as they face what seems to be insurmountable terrors and trauma and trials and tribulations, then my trials and tribulations have value. This is where God takes coal of my life and presses it with intense pressure, and heat(fiery trials), and eventually brings forth a diamond that is a jewel in His crown to glorify him when I see him face to face.

My Prayer
I confess the struggle with my human flesh dealing with pains and such, and I ask my Lord and Savior for strength to endure with character qualities that glorify him. And I pray that my life would be given over and a sacrifice for his glory and to help whoever may need help to take the next step as they walk to the Valley of the shadow of death.

RESOURCES
Verses about Love from Daily Verse .net
Verses about Joy from Daily Verse .net
Verses about Peace from Daily Verse .net
And for good measure:
Verses about Patience from Daily Verse .net

 

Jim & Christi 2017

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission. The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.