Tag Archives: MyOneWord

neon letters saying Let Go!

2023 My One Word – Let Go – guest author Cassie Phillips

neon letters saying Let Go!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

 

I found this on facebook.

I do not know the author, but I have given them credit. This resonates with me in the light of this year’s one word “Let Go”

 

 

“Let Them”

 

“Just Let them.

If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.

If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM. 

If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM. 

If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM. 

If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.

If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM. 

If they want to walk out of your life and leave, 

hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

 

Let them lose you.

You were never theirs, because you were always your own. 

 

So let them. 

 

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.

Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.

Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.

Let them earn your forgiveness.

Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.

Let them take you out on a Thursday.

Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to. 

Let them have a safe place in you.

Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden. 

Let them love you. “

 

Author: Cassie Phillips

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is not quite the same as LET GO, but it has the concept.

I am having to make many decisions.

so do others.

Letting go is letting them.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2023 My One Word – Let Go January 13

neon letters saying Let Go!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

This morning, I delayed, if not excused, the video I’ve been doing with the Psalms and Proverb a day because I was greatly grieved in my stomach.

It felt like sick, but my head felt heavy, my shoulders felt burdened, my solar plexus felt like many burning knives were dancing there.  My every muscle was tight, and trying to relax them was so far from my thinking because I wasn’t even sure I could survive the “knives”.

There are some situations in my life that are greatly volatile, and chaotic that affect my decisions.  There are people that I have to take into account, and relationships that I have to navigate.  There are wounds that are so deep that they are hard to even vocalize.

Then there are memories, tangible places that pull emotions out of my heart and psyche only to force me to look at them again whether I want to or not.  Some memories are good, but most are overshadowed by deep dark grey with streaks and streams of bitter tears that flow through it but don’t thin it’s thickness.

My mental health does affect my physical health and vice versa.

I am planning a trip in April. There is one specific place that I will be attending, the Psychiatric Service Dog Partners 2023 Convention in Rock Hill, SC.

Another place I’d like to go is my brother’s house in Raleigh, NC.

Ohio is always on my hope and prayer list.

But could all of this be why my body is in rebellion today?

Well, I decided to put some things into practice that I’ve been learning.

Breathe – let go of the tension

Get my internal self more open to possibilities, don’t hold on so tightly to MY plans

Cry out to God for being missing in this (every see how much an object is covered when you hold on tight compared to when you open your hand?) – I couldn’t see past the trip I was clinging t6o.

I placed my worry about the truck on the altar.

I placed my worry about the hotels on the altar.

I placed my worry about managing the suitcases on the altar.

I placed my worry about my anxiety and potential freak outs on the altar.

I placed me on the altar.

This took hours – honestly.

Let Go Let God illustration

2023(C) M. Christine Warren Wildman, all rights reserved

My stomach started to release and open up.  The pain started to subside.  My brain started being clearer, and I could see that God had not left me.  I had focused so much on this trip and all that is wrapped up in it that I lost sight of God.

I’m flying.  Still a few things to work out, but that settles many things.  Yes, Gabby is able to fly AND I still have plenty of time to get all of the paperwork in order before the convention.

So, I start to be almost giddy that God was waiting right there for me to open my hand and look up.  But it gets better!

The Psalms and Proverb for today!

  • Psalm 13
    • Lord, how long will You forget me?Forever?
      How long will You hide Your face from me?
      2 How long will I store up anxious concerns[a] within me,
      agony in my mind every day?
      How long will my enemy dominate me?
    • Consider me and answer, Lord my God.
      Restore brightness to my eyes;
      otherwise, I will sleep in death.
      4 My enemy will say, “I have triumphed over him,”
      and my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.
    • But I have trusted in Your faithful love;
      my heart will rejoice in Your deliverance.
      6 I will sing to the Lord
      because He has treated me generously.

this is almost exactly what happened! I cried out(in my blindness), I prayed for intervention then I was declaring God’s faithful love!

There’s more!

  • Psalm 43
    • Vindicate me, God, and defend my cause
      against an ungodly nation;
      rescue me from the deceitful and unjust man.
      2 For You are the God of my refuge.
      Why have You rejected me?
      Why must I go about in sorrow
      because of the enemy’s oppression?
    • Send Your light and Your truth; let them lead me.
      Let them bring me to Your holy mountain,
      to Your dwelling place.
      4 Then I will come to the altar of God,
      to God, my greatest joy.
      I will praise You with the lyre,
      God, my God.
    • Why am I so depressed?
      Why this turmoil within me?
      Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him,
      my Savior and my God.

Again, before I even looked at the Psalms for today, God knew that what HE had planned for me would line up and the deliverance would be confirmed in HIS word!

Eph 2:10 NKJV For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

I wrote about Ephesians 2 in Itty Bitty Bible Study – so it just kind of jumps out at me!

Even more – another Psalm!

  • Psalm 73
    • 2-3 But as for me, my feet almost slipped;
      my steps nearly went astray.
      3 For I envied the arrogant;
      I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
    • 13 Did I purify my heart
      and wash my hands in innocence for nothing?
    • I exposed my authentic self in my despair.
    • 23 – 24 Yet I am always with You;
      You hold my right hand.
      24 You guide me with Your counsel,
      and afterward You will take me up in glory.[h]
    • 25-26 KJV Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none on earth that I desire beside thee.  My flesh and my heart faileth: But God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
    • 25 But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.

Then came

Psalm 103: 8-9 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger and rich in faithful love.
9 He will not always accuse us
or be angry forever.
10 He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve
or repaid us according to our offenses.

 

And that is preceded by Psalm 103:1-5 KJV

103 Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:

3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;

4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;

5 Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

 

One more Psalm to go for today – well? Yes, God did show up again!

Psalm 133:1-3 A beautiful Psalm about being in the presence of God.

How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in harmony!
2 It is like fine oil on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down Aaron’s beard
onto his robes.
3 It is like the dew of Hermon[a]
falling on the mountains of Zion.
For there the Lord has appointed the blessing—
life forevermore.

I had been holding onto something so hard that my heart was hardening to the Lord’s voice, and I wasn’t even seeing that I wasn’t entering into the joy of the Lord!
Rememeber I said that my eyes had gone dark with despair?
Psalm 13:3 – restore the brightness to my eyes with Proverb 13:9 The light of the righteous shines brightly.

Proverb 13:12 KJV is very well known to me –

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life.

A promise, or a desire that takes more time than I want it to makes my heart sick. Of course, there’s the lesson of patience, but I want that desire. I wanted that Eastern trip. I wanted it since I got back from my western trip.
I had to let go of the big idea when I had to sell(let go) my RV trailer.
Today, I had to let go of the middle idea when I had to let go of the driving idea.
There is a sad in my heart that I’m not driving to Ohio. I really want to see my kids and grandkids. But there is a peace in letting God guide my path.
Proverb 13:14 A wise man’s instruction is a fountain of life, turning people away from the snares of death.
and
Proverb 13:20 The one that walks with the wise will become wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
By spending time every day in the Psalms and Proverbs, I am listening to a wise man’s instruction, and I am walking with the wise.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Let Go Let God illustration

My One Word – Letting Go – Suicide?

Welcome to my thoughts. I am pretty open and honest about what I am going through.

This year, 2023, I have received a phrase for my annual ONE WORD focus, Let Go.

I have written a lot about my issues with suicidal thoughts.

I am dealing with some health issues.

  • I am five years clean from Kidney Cancer – so that’s good.
  • My HbA1c has dropped to better numbers. Technically, DM2 is in remission – so that’s good.
  • I’m getting injections in my back for a disk that is compromised – so that’s good.
  • I’m losing weight – a comorbidity to many diseases – so I’m moving forward
  • I have cirrhosis – non repairable – leads to a transplant if progresses before I’m 70
      • this is NOT good – and is a terminal condition.
    • My liver scores are lower, by half, than ever in decades – this should be good.
    • I was disappointed to see that. The life changes I’ve done have slowed down the degenerative nature of the cirrhosis.

Did you see what I said? I was disappointed to see that things were improving.

I had the same feeling when I heard that the second cyst in my other kidney was not changing – no evidence of that one turning cancerous like the first one did.

WHY AM I DISAPPOINTED THAT MY HEALTH ISSUES ARE IMPROVING?

BECAUSE I WILL LIVE LONGER.

I’ve talked about suicide. Here’s one of my posts that talk about the cycle and of passive suicide.  This one was written January 2009.  I committed suicide, was found non responsive and was brought back to life by Emergency medical people on November 18, 2009.

Now to today.  When I found out that my liver disease was going to kill me, I was relieved.  You see, as my faith is, I cannot commit suicide without eternal negative ramifications.  I hold in my mind two disagreeing positions.  I cannot commit suicide, but the ones that I know who have committed suicide, I believe that God is a merciful God and will see their struggles and grant them access to the Kingdom of God. But I cannot allow that belief to be true for me, or I will again choose to kill myself.

Since 2015, because of a two month program with La Amistad in Winter Park, Florida, I have looked forward to living.  I would say I don’t want to die.  I would try to do things that were alive and living and helping others.  I was trying to have a purpose for my life, and I believed I had one.

Until the other day.  When the realization of the liver numbers hit me, and I was thinking why am I sad about that, I was shocked.  That means that my life may well be extended. That means that I really need a purpose, goals, steps and plans for the future.  I may be here longer than age 70. Damn it.

But wait!  I was saying I wanted to live – was that a lie?  No – I wanted to live the life I had left with vim and vigor.  And I was content that it wasn’t going to be long – my liver was going to finish me off.  I was comforted by the fact that my body was going to cut my life short.  I would not be responsible for that.

I actually started looking back at the last 6 months and wondered what I had been doing that might have had this change in my liver!

  • food?
    • no – going back to the 6 months ago labwork, I had been on my trip, eating fast food, processed food, and drinking a lot of diet pop.
  • exercise?
    • no – going back to the 6 months labs,  I was travelling – in a truck.  I walked the dog 3 times a day.  Not far.
  • coffee?
    • yes, the doctor told me to drink coffee, but I like it cold so I didn’t drink coffee on the trip, but I drank diet caffein pop, several canfulls.
    • when I went through drive throughs I bought the largest diet cola they had, with lite ice.  easily 64 ounces a day – often more.

I have no idea what I did to create these great blood lab numbers! And I wanted to reverse what I was doing.  Here’s the rub:

  • food?
    • I moved out of my trailer into an apartment, which has hit my budget so that I can’t eat out so much.
    • In addition, I’ve started making my own food – for budget sake and for liver sake
  • exercise?
    • I’m walking the dog 2-3 times a day, and often we go to the dog park area in our community and I play soccer with her – me kicking the ball, doing leg raises to try to get the ball from her, jumping around playing keep away.
    • I’m doing some basic exercises daily in front of the TV to mitigate pain
  • coffee?
    • well now – I’ve gotten a bit addicted to cold brew coffee, and drinking it for the morning – at least 3 cups.
    • I was given a small coffee drip maker and I’m making my own coffee for putting over ice.

The only thing I can do is to stop the coffee – and it really is helping me in other ways. I’ve even continued taking NSAIDS because of pain, and they are not affecting the numbers.  So, I’m cursed to remain on these paths towards better health.  Better Health means longer life.  I am disappointed.

I could be all spiritual about this and say that it’s because I want to go and be with Jesus, which is true, but this is not the spirit behind this disappointment.  I recognize this spirit.  It’s the same one, cleaned up and wrapped up differently, than the one that wanted me to die – to leave this world, and all it’s struggles, despair and disappointment.  This is the Suicide Spirit – just passive.

Passive Suicide.

I’ll be writing more about this, because I have history with several types of passive suicide. I just didn’t know that I was still being ruled by one.
LET GO
Who would have thought that letting God would mean that I needed to search my heart deep and Let Go of a sneaky, stealthy enemy lurking deep in my heart, secretly rejoicing in the probability of my demise.

I didn’t think it was there.
Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Proverbs 20:5 (HCSB)

Counsel in a man’s heart is deep water; but a man of understanding draws it out.

1 Corinthians 2:11a (BSB)

11 For who among men knows the thoughts[a] of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him?

I went through a very overt struggle over December with desires to not live, to not wake up, to not go another minute.  My doctor, my therapist and the pharmacist, as well as leaders of my groups helped me through those days.  But I was very aware of those urges, because of anniversaries and triggering memories.

  • No one knows about this deep dark desire to die early, by whatever means my body would give me.
  • No one knows how I’ve thought about DNR
  • and about end of time maintenance, comfort care in hospice.
  • No one knows how disappointed I am in this turn towards health.

This is silent
This is passive
This is suicidal ideation, as a core thought process.

LET GO
I have known suicide at least as far back as when I was 16, and then it was as real to me that I talked to a psychiatrist that let me know that all 16 year olds had thoughts of killing themselves. I have since talked to friends and asked them, do they think of dying, by their own hand or by disease? NO! is the answer – a resounding NO! And those that have disease look to death as a release, but not a desire. And they have to do the mental hoop jumping to get themselves in a positive mindset that if death is the end result they will leave peacefully, having gotten their affairs in order. This peace, this resolve to face their destiny is not what I’m talking about with me.

Deep down, I want to die. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’m tired of the fights.
I’m tired of the push.
I’m tired of the abuse.
I’m tired of the effort it takes to walk out into the world and try to be a smiling, joyful person – even though that is basically what I am in public. Am I a fake? No, most of me is joyful, not wanting to burden anyone with sadness, but rather bless them with a smile. I love to do that. That is who I am.

But so is this.
And I have to Let Go.
I don’t know what will happen if I let go.
The saying Let Go and Let God come flooding in at this moment.

We are made in God’s image – triune. Body, Mind and Spirit. But, while God the Father seems to be the reigning part of the Godhead – our bodies tend to be our reigning aspect. Our minds can also get so bogged down with negative things that it can be the reigning aspect. And if there is trauma, messing up the healthy connection between mind and body, things can get twisted. Cognitive Distortions come along. The healthy mental pathways don’t get laid down properly. The basic animal instinct of survival of the fittest is overwritten with thoughts that I am not the fittest, that I don’t belong, that I am a detriment to the others that need to survive.  These can lead to depression, which can lead to suicidal ideations.

I am giving up this mentality because it is a door that keeps the good things of the Lord from flooding in.  It keeps me from truly feeling the joy that comes from living my life for Jesus Christ.  It makes it difficult to practice self care – because I don’t deserve it, or it might extend my life – this life I want nothing to do with.

BUT GOD!  I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the promises in Christ are yes and amen.

  • 2 Cornithians 1:20 (NIV)
    • For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.
  • Jeremiah 29:11 Berean Standard Bible –
    • 11For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
  • And with the promise in Jeremiah comes some extra blessings from God (Jer 29:12-13)
    •  12Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 1
  • Deuteronomy talks about choices after being set free from captivity – which I have been to suicide. (Deut 30:11-20 NLT)
    • 15 “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. 16 For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.

I have to make a choice.  A deep down in my heart choice.  To root out this deadly thought process so that it cannot jump up and grab me again, messing with my mind and setting in motion things that will be detrimental to my living the life that God has prepared for me.

woman at sunset with arms outstretchedI will LET GO of the desire to die.

I will LET GOD fill me with HIS light and life, to wash out all darkness.

I am grateful to God that He chose to expose this to me so that I could repent and turn back to Him.

Please keep me in your prayer as I continue to walk this path, and as I continue to advocate for Suicide Awareness, and Suicide Prevention,

If you or anyone  you know is having trouble and could possibly consider suicide, or self harm, Please call 988. If you are a veteran, press 1.  There is help. Some even understand what we are struggling with, and will walk with us.

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

My One Word – Let Go with Gabby?

Let go
Letting go of the concept of perfection.
How does that apply to my service dog Gabby?

When Gabby was presented to me as an option I knew nothing about poodles and the only thing I knew about Labradors was that I had had one when I was 12 years old. I didn’t know about doodles and that labradoodles were different personalities than golden doodles and that personality traits came from their parentage. I knew NOTHING.

That’s about as far as I’m gonna go with the whole genetics thing and parenting.

(for those interested in getting a service dog for their disability – here is a place where I could have obtained much information on getting started with a dog search!)

When I went to meet her there were 3 that the “breeders” thought fit the criteria based on the temperament test article that I sent the breeders. Now these breeders were a family that had a poodle and a doodle and before they did any neutering they wanted the female to have puppies.

They definitely weren’t breeders because before they realized it they had an “oops” litter. I met Gabby’s older sister at a psychiatric service dog partner’s convention. I didn’t realize that observing a dog that had been under intense training for the 1st 9 months of their life was not necessarily the best indicator for what their younger sibling would have with my range of training. Again, I knew NOTHING!

I had just learned about temperament training from Psychiatric Service Dog Partners. My 1st service dog was basically a unicorn that I found at the pound that alerted to my heart rate and my diabetes naturally and we just trained him everything else and he was perfect. I really wasn’t looking forward to going to dog shelter after dog shelter seeing if one of them would automatically alert to my sugar or my heart rate.

Enter the thought of getting a puppy that I could bond with early.
In 2019.
I met the 3 dogs, Puppies.
Gabby passed the temperament test.
I didn’t have a clue about doing a temperament test on the parents.
I didn’t have a clue that a heightened sense of curiosity could cause me problems down the road getting her to let go of something she’s hyper focused on.
All I was concerned on was that she had a good bill of health which she did.

But I didn’t have any idea about possible stomach issues, and needing to feed special feed.

Then I shattered my shoulder before she was 4 months old.
All of her early socialization had to deal with her off my lap because I was in excruciating pain, done by others who didn’t really understand the socialization concept, and one person that decided it was funny to encourage her desire to chase after birds and squirrels(this is genetic in a dog that is bred from two hunting breeds).
No one has ever seemed to understand my concept of how a dog should walk with me. Not with my 1st service dog and definitely not with my puppy.

Once I started training her, Covid hit. Now we couldn’t go meet other dogs, we couldn’t go meet other people, we couldn’t go to group training sessions. She and I did virtual classes but there is nothing like having a seasoned trainer see you working with the dog and picking up on something you may not and helping you to fine tune things.

For many things Gabby loved learning.
Gabby was very curious.
And the grandchildren next door were continually more than she could handle to pull her attention away from.

3 years later, Gabby still has a very heightened curiosity. She has learned to settle in many situations from a heightened activity, But not distraction.

I wonder if her parents had these tendencies because they were left to run free on a property In upstate New York. They could explore to their hearts content. And if I recall they didn’t exactly have the best recall.

Is this genetics?
Is this environmental?
Is this my failure as a trainer?

One thing I know, I have to let go of perfectionism for Gabby. She’s a living creature. And to do her job she has to have some freedom to read a situation and make a decision. She cannot be a robot.

My current training came to a screeching halt because of stomach issues. We did scans, xrays, tests. “It’s poodle stomach” I’ve heard over and over again. I had NOTHING I could give her as a food treat to tweak her training. I couldn’t sign up with a trainer, because they always ask for a list of various level treats with which to reward (entice, bribe) Gabby. I was struggling. Gabby needed continual reminders, as do all dogs, and I was not able to give her the simple treats.

I had to let go of my manner of rewarding Gabby. EVERYONE uses treats. I’m very blessed that Gabby LOVES to be scritched on the head and kissed on the nose and told good girl!!! Her come isn’t perfect, and my training hasn’t been perfect, but she’s amazig.


Another thing I know is that I hold myself to a very high standard and I demand that I am perfect in all of my interactions with Gabby and I am constantly disappointing myself. I need to let go of perfectionism for myself. There are times that I am in pain and I cannot bend over the give Gabby the skritch and kiss. There are times I get lost in thought, and the only thing I work on is her pulling, staying within the leash length, or walking right next to me. When I am lost in thought, she usually sees the squirrels before me – and I don’t have the time to cue her “Leave It” and “walk on”. I’m not perfect.

Why am I wondering about this right now? I have found a training program for Gabby and I, And I need to make sure that I don’t have unrealistic expectations for Gabby and that I don’t tear myself up so much that I can’t be the handler that she needs.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up.
I’m letting go of ways that don’t work or have not been completely successful.
I’m adding on the help of a professional.
And I’m trying to wrap it all up with grace for both of us.

When I write about my dog, I will share links that will help you to make informed decisions. For this journey with Gabriella Grace, The Psychiatric Service Dog Partners has been amazing. The are an all volunteer, Non-profit organization advocating and educating about Service Dogs, and specifically Psychiatric Service Dogs.  Gabby is a Psychiatric Service dog that alerts to my anxieties, pulls me out of isolation and tickles me when I am getting depressed.  I’ve written about my anxiety, depression, and suicide on this website. Having a Psychiatric Service Dog is a lifeline for me.

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey, In His hands and under His wings, ~Christi Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2023 First 100 days – day 2 Wisdom and Praise Reading

2023 First 100 days – day 2, January 2

Hey, January is going to be easy to label the day of the year for the first 100 days.

One of the things that I am trying to do to keep me accountable and to have others join me is a live video each day at The WildBerry Patch facebook page.
We are doing 5 psalms and 1 proverb each day for a month. Trying to build a habit.

I’m also trying to write something for each of the firsts 100 days.  

Here’s Day 1.

Today was Psalm 2, 32, 62, 92, 122 and Prov 2.

As I read Psalm 2, it’s all about the angst of the enemies of God against Him. Isn’t that a foreshadowing or an analogy of our hearts raging against God when we have sinned against him?

With that thought in my head, I went on to Psalm 32.

1 How joyful is the one
whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered!
2 How joyful is the man
the Lord does not charge with sin
and in whose spirit is no deceit!

I realized that this Psalm provides the steps to forgiveness:

  1. Realizing the blessings of forgiveness
    1. Psalm 32:1-2
      1. above
  2. The discomfort of unforgiveness
    1. Psalm 32:3-4
      1. 3.When I kept silent, my bones became brittle
        from my groaning all day long.
        4 For day and night Your hand was heavy on me;
        my strength was drained[a]
        as in the summer’s heat.Selah
  3. The need for confession
    1. Psalm 32:5
      1. Then I acknowledged my sin to You
        and did not conceal my iniquity.
        I said,
        “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
        and You took away the guilt of my sin.Selah
  4. The need to pray
    1. Psalm 32:6
      1. Therefore let everyone who is faithful pray to You
        at a time that You may be found.[b]
        When great floodwaters come,
        they will not reach him.
  5. The need to abide
    1. Psalm 32:7
      1. You are my hiding place;
        You protect me from trouble.
        You surround me with joyful shouts of deliverance.Selah
  6. God promises counsel
    1. Psalm 32:8
      1. I will instruct you and show you the way to go;
        with My eye on you, I will give counsel.
  7. Confession of faith
    1. Psalm 32:10
      1. Many pains come to the wicked,
        but the one who trusts in the Lord
        will have faithful love surrounding him.
  8. Rejoicing in the Lord
    1. Psalm 32:11
      1. Be glad in the Lord and rejoice,
        you righteous ones;
        shout for joy,
        all you upright in heart.

This was a blessing to me today. Asking God to forgive us is letting go of the sinful actions, thoughts or desires. Admitting that you are in need of forgiveness is giving up your own path and choosing to walk on the path that God has chosen for you.

 

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,

In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2023 first 100 days – day 1

2023 first 100 days day 1 – January 1

Yesterday, January day 1, I wrote a blog about something very painful to let go of.
I’m waiting for some wisdom from others if this is something that I should share based on my promise to live life real.

sometimes God doesn’t decide to slowly ease you into His path. Sometimes it’s screeching brakes, quick look to see if there is anyone you are going to run over, and a turn before you crash into the exit barrier!

This is what January 1, 2023 had for me.
Something that has been brewing for many years.
Something that affects relationships that are over half of my age old.

And something I did not want to let go.

Is letting go giving up? No.
sometimes letting go is letting God.

and sometimes you realize that the thing in God’s way is ME!

Maybe I will be given freedom to share that post – in the mean time, if God is asking you to let go of something extremely painful, maybe it’s because you are holding on too tight with both hands and need some freedom to see the situation with different eyes.

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey, In His hands and under His wings, ~Christi Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2022 One Word – LET GO

One Word that will Change Your Life


In 2017, I started following the concept that was written about in this book.
in 2017 it was number my days.


In 2018 it was – well, see how I figured it out.

In 2019 it was Guard your heart.

In 2019, I shattered my shoulder and stopped blogging because I could not sit at the desk and type.

In 2020, my arm was still in rough shape, and we were focusing on Jim’s battle with cancer AND the world wide issue with COVID.

In 2021 – I was focused on becoming the Widow Wildman

In 2022 – I took a journey, entitled “Widow Wildman Wanders West wondering what God wants of her”

In a few days, it will be 2023.

And God has given me another phrase (I don’t get one words like others).

LET GO.

Let go of what?

Let it go??? no, that is too small. I did have times over the past few years that I would find myself singing the Frozen song Let it Go, but that was more ‘in the moment’ type of letting go. This was bigger.

All preconceived notions

All assumptions

All perceived rights

All wounds that control me

22 You took off[i] your former way of life, the old self[j] that is corrupted by deceitful desires; 23 you are being renewed[k] in the spirit of your minds; 24 you put on[l] the new self, the one created according to God’s likeness in righteousness and purity of the truth.

25 Since you put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor,[m] because we are members of one another. 26 Be angry and do not sin.[n] Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and don’t give the Devil an opportunity. 28 The thief must no longer steal. Instead, he must do honest work with his own hands, so that he has something to share with anyone in need. 29 No foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need,[o] so that it gives grace to those who hear. 30 And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit. You were sealed by Him[p] for the day of redemption. 31 All bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. 32 And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you[q] in Christ.

Ephesians 4:22-32, Holman Christian Study Bible

Let Go –

Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, 2 keeping our eyes on Jesus,[a] the source and perfecter[b] of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him[c] endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne.
Hebrews 12:1-2, Holman Christian Study Bible

Let Go of control.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10, English Standard Version.

Me? in Control? HA!

28 We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. 29 For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those He predestined, He also called; and those He called, He also justified; and those He justified, He also glorified. Romans 8:28-30 Holcom Christian Bible Study

So, let go of what I thought my life would be. Let go of what I wanted my life to be. Let go of my ideas about what I’m supposed to be. Let go of my assumptions and preconceptions of other people, even me. I guess it’s a deeper look at Let Go, and Let God.

I’m going to try to write something for the first 100 days, write something a week about my one word, work on sharing my books, work on Itty Bitty Bible Studies, and finishing out some series. I’m

going to let go of things that do not matter, and put on things that do. Join me, please!

Hi! My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey, In His hands and under His wings, ~Christi Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

My One Word 2019 – Guard Your Heart 4/22-24

Proverbs 4:23 English Standard Version (ESV)
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.

Guard your heart.
Wow.
As I was working through the additional Lent blogs, of which, I only added a handful, I was struck how many times that someone wasn’t guarding their heart.

Judas – he wasn’t guarding his heart. He was known to be a liar, and thief.
Peter – he wasn’t guarding his heart when he denied Christ 3 times before the cock crowed.
Martha – she wasn’t guarding her heart when she said to Jesus “Master – go straighten out Mary!”
Jonah wasn’t guarding his heart when he was sent to Nineveh – I did a whole study on Jonah in Itty Bitty Bible Study!
Abraham – he wasn’t guarding his heart when Sarah suggested Hagar to carry their child.
Miriam and Aaron weren’t guarding their hearts when they spoke against Moses.
Job – he wasn’t guarding his heart when he was depressed. Somewhere in there, God was stirred up in a whirlwind, and spoke to Job, and he repented!
David – he wasn’t guarding his heart when he called Bathsheba to the palace.
on and on and on and on throughout scripture we can see that humanity is as it has done since the day Eve didn’t guard her heart and had a talk with the devil, and since Adam didn’t stand up for what God had told him, and he followed along with Eve. First peer pressure!

My current situation – here is the prayer I’ve been sending around:

Prayer warriors…a request..for the week of April 21, 2019
Nutshell…travel Sunday, Thursday and Sunday,and Monday.
Procedures Tuesday and Friday.
Next week Jim has two procedures. We have much travel. We would like you to agree with us in prayer:
Our Travels would be blessed and all protected, all pilots will be rested, and alert.
Machinery, both for travel and for surgery, will perform at top standards or higher.
Doctors and medical staff will be alert, clear headed, well rested and not ill.
Jim and i would have the peace that passes understanding as we abide in Jesus, our prince of peace.
I would walk in manifestation of health, i say no to vertigo, migraines, any dizziness or ear pain. I say that Jesus took those stripes so that i am healed!
I declare life to Jim’s body, in Jesus’s name.
I confess that cancer must leave, in Jesus’s name.
I speak peace and confidence because of our position with God the father, because of the blood of Jesus Christ.
I pray that through this challenge, our love for each other, and our love for Jehovah God will grow exponentially.

Thank you all for your prayers. I’m going to tag a few of you… share a you see fit.

I am confessing God’s promises.

Passover.
Friday, April 19, 2019 was the first night of Passover.
The thing about Passover is that Moses told the people to sacrifice a lamb, and to put the blood on the doorposts to warn the death angel that this home was covered by the blood price God demanded for sin.

Death and disease came into this world because of sin.

I’m not saying that Jim or I or anyone else has cancer because of THEIR sin – but that this world has fallen so far from the Paradise that God intended, and our bodies were not made to excel in this environment. It’s why they lived longer and longer as you go back closer and closer to the Creation.

Then the flood – because of sin.
Then, man couldn’t live as long anymore.
And, they didn’t have fast food and coffee places on every corner!

This is a fallen world.
You and I are fallen humans.
Our bodies are no longer as strong as they once were. From the day we are born, our bodies go about dying.
I could delve into the whole genetics and how we are losing our genetic resilience (Jim could add the pod case about folks getting dumber) but, I want to get back to the Bible.

Jim has death in his body called cancer.
Jim gave his life to Jesus Christ – 1975.
Jim’s sins were covered by the blood of Jesus the day he invited Jesus into his heart.
Jim’s healing was purchased by the stripes on Jesus’ back.
Jesus said on the cross – IT IS FINISHED.

BECAUSE JIM HAS THE BLOOD OF JESUS ON HIS SOUL, THE DEATH ANGEL, OR DEVIL, HAS TO PASS OVER BECAUSE HE IS A CHILD OF GOD!

What happened next to the Israelite/Hebrews? They were set free from the slavery of Egypt.

I believe that cancer is a type of Egypt – something that sucks the life out of you, and beats you down.
I believe that Jesus came to deliver us from our Egypts. Yes, that means sin and the punishment for that sin. But we also have the promise that by his stripes we WERE healed!

I’m going to back down a little bit…do you always see the manifestation of your healing in this lifetime? obviously, no.
Do I know why? Sometimes, in my life, I do.
Other times, I don’t.
Other times, I get really upset that I do not see the answer.

This is when I need to guard my heart.

What do I believe? Here’s a simple answer:

I believe in God, the Father almighty,
creator of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried;
he descended to the dead.
On the third day he rose again;
he ascended into heaven,
he is seated at the right hand of the Father,
and he will come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting. Amen.
The Apostles Creed

I also believe that the Bible is the word of God, add verse about all scripture….

It says that I can ask what I will and it shall be given unto me, if I ask in Jesus’ name.

In our life, we have seen children raised from the dead(possibly me…), broken bones healed, sicknesses removed and many other things. We have also seen certain physical issues NOT get taken away, or removed.
do we give up?

this is where I have to guard my heart….it says that he that endures to the end….

Does it mean the Bible isn’t true?
This is where I have to guard my heart…it’s an act of faith.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.
Without faith, it is impossible to please God.

Faith is a choice.
Love is a choice.
believing that My Father God, who has given me so many good gifts, is a bad God because of the few things that I haven’t gotten, or the sickness or disabilities he has chosen not to heal (on my timeline) is to not love God, to not have faith in God, and to not be patient with God.

I am believing for the Passover of Jim’s bodily struggle from this fallen world.
I am believing for Jim to be brought out with silver, and with gold, and not be feeble ever again…
I am believing that we will both enter into the promise land, by faith in the person of Jesus Christ.

guard my heart – for out of it flow the wellsprings of life….

Psalm 19:14 King James Version (KJV)
14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Proverbs 18:21 King James Version (KJV)
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

James 3 says a lot about the dangers of the tongue.

Deuteronomy 30:15-20(NIV) – specifically:
19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Today, I choose life!

Joshua 24:14-15 King James Version (KJV)
14 Now therefore fear the Lord, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the Lord.

15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

As for me and my house – we will serve the Lord!

We place the blood of Jesus upon the doorposts of our heart.
We declare the protection of the Angel of the Lord.
We command, in Jesus’ name, the death angel to pass over our home and family!

Today is day three of our medical week.
first flight – excellent.
first procedure – accomplished well, and Jim is in little pain.
Tomorrow is the flight out of the country.
Friday is the big procedure for Jim.
Saturday is a recovery day.
Sunday is a flight back to the states.
Monday is a flight from Orlando to Pittsburgh and back home.

Time for praising!

I’m doing some editing from Cancun, Mexico, as Jim is in the operating room for HIFU.

Therefore, this is actually day five of our medical week.

I’m sitting outside of the hospital cafeteria, listening to the birds and construction.  I am at Peace!

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

My One Word 2019 – Guard Your Heart Pr 4:23 – 2/25/2019

Proverbs 4:23 English Standard Version (ESV)
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.

My notes on the bitterness post:

Guard your heart
Bitterness
On forgiveness

How did i learn i had bitterness?
By my words
Out of the abundance of my heart, my mouth spoke

I am an abuser survivor
Forgave
Healed
Didn’t wait for the abuser to apologize
It only takes one to forgive.

I am a peaceful conflict resolution teacher
I know the steps
It takes two, to do a resolution.

I’m a human
I’ve been wounded
I thought I’d forgiven
I have bitterness

Why is it so difficult forget sometimes? Is it because someone has hurt you over and over and over? And they have the potential to continue doing so? And you’re sure you fill the 70 × 7 forgiveness requirement?

Hebrews 12:15 King James Version (KJV)
15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;

I just completed IBBS Titus 1:10-16, and in Titus, Paul warns about those who are defiled.

Titus 1:15 King James Version (KJV)
15 Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.

I discussed how when someone chooses to go the way of the wide path, and not the straight and narrow, eventually, God gives them over to their own lusts. God gives them, or allows them, what they want. Romans 1:18-32

All I wanted to do was to discuss the concept of holding unforgiveness in your heart would cause you problems.  Well, me, specifically. These posts are all written to me, I just share them with whomever is interested! HA! Such a simple task, I thought! Therefore, as God would have it, I’ve been enlightened about how much bitterness I hold in my heart!

I’ve written a few times about bitterness!

Forgiveness:

About anger:

Coming up soon, from the date of this writing, is the Resurrection Season. I wrote a series for Lent last year, and the First Sunday of Lent deals with Forgiveness!

There is a website that I refer to often, GotQuestions.org.
Here’s their write up on What is Forgiveness. The article talks about the two aspects of forgiveness – the part that is key to our salvation, or, OUR forgiveness by GOD, and the part that we are to implement, or, OUR forgiveness of OTHERS.

Another resource is from Desiring God, and here is a list of their various posts on Forgiveness…including several by John Piper. Here’s one that fits this topic wonderfully – How to Battle Bitterness!

In that sermon, John Piper brings up this verse:

Romans 12:19 King James Version (KJV)
19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Isn’t that why we hold onto the anger, the rage, the hurt and such? We want vengeance?

“Revenge – it’s a dish best served cold.”

I have no idea where that came from. Wikipedia says this:

The popular expression “revenge is a dish best served cold” suggests that revenge is more satisfying if enacted when unexpected or long feared, inverting traditional civilized revulsion toward “cold-blooded” violence.[12]

The idea’s origin is obscure. The French diplomat Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord (1754–1838) has been credited with the saying, “La vengeance est un met que l’on doit manger froid” [“Revenge is a dish that must be eaten cold”], albeit without supporting detail.[13] It has been in the English language at least since the 1846 translation of the 1845 French novel Mathilde by Joseph Marie Eugène Sue: “la vengeance se mange très bien froide”,[14] there italicized as if quoting a proverbial saying, and translated “revenge is very good eaten cold”.[15] It has been wrongly credited[16] to the novel Les Liaisons Dangereuses (1782).

Its path to modern popularity may begin with the 1949 film Kind Hearts and Coronets which had revenge is a dish which people of taste prefer to eat cold. The familiar wording appears in the film Death Rides a Horse (1967), in the novel The Godfather by Mario Puzo (1969), as if from an “old Klingon proverb” in the film Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982). The title sequence of the Quentin Tarantino film Kill Bill: Volume 1 (2003) referred to this last movie by again citing it as a Klingon proverb. After that it appeared in the 2004 version of Man on Fire.

The phrase has also been credited to the Pashtuns of Afghanistan.[17]

Another proverb states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”. Another version (Chinese: 子不复仇非子也) proposes that a son who does not take revenge for his parents is not a son.[citation needed]

That’s the way of the flesh.
Hebrews 12:15 says not to allow a root of bitterness to grow! And, any plant grows from a seed.
Romans 12:19 says to let God take vengeance on our behalf.

When our children were little, they often offended each other. Yes. It’s true.
If they came to me with the concern, I would sit them down, and start a peaceful conflict resolution – let’s talk it out, and come up with a satisfactory solution.
If one lied, they would be disciplined.
If one disobeyed some rule, they would be disciplined.
BUT, if the offended one took matters into their own hand, I would say
“you already handed out the punishment, I cannot punish them anymore. If you want them to have discipline and learn the lesson, you need to let me be the judge, and pronounce the judgement.”

These aren’t quite the same thing, yet I’m pretty sure these verses were those from whom I gleaned this concept.

Proverbs 24:17-18 New International Version (NIV)
Saying 28
17 Do not gloat when your enemy falls;
when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice,
18 or the Lord will see and disapprove
and turn his wrath away from them.

Proverbs 24:29 King James Version (KJV)
29 Say not, I will do so to him as he hath done to me: I will render to the man according to his work.

And a few others:

Lev 19:18
Deut 32:35

I have written about God being a Vengeful God in IBBS Nahum 1:2b

The thing is, vengeance is a release of the anger and the bitterness, from our physical, emotional and mental perspectives.
Forgiveness is letting go from a SPIRITUAL perspective.

holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die

I’ve done much study on Forgiveness as an abuse survivor.
It’s not about the other person, though, if they want to sit down and work things out, GREAT!
It’s about MY HEART!!

God says in His Word:

Ephesians 4:26-27 King James Version (KJV)
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
27 Neither give place to the devil.

What happens if we give place to the devil?

Hebrews 12:15 King James Version (KJV)
15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;

And yet, Our Heavenly Father knows us so much, that he gave us a promise to help us let go of that anger:

Romans 12:19 King James Version (KJV)
19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Give room for GOD’s wrath to deal with it!

Did Jesus talk about this? Yes, including instructions!

Matthew 5:21-25 King James Version (KJV)
21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Matthew 5 is the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount.
Blessed are the

  • poor in Spirit
  • mourn
  • meek
  • hunger and thirst after righteousness
  • merciful
  • pure in heart
  • peace makers

Do any of those sounds like anger, wrath, or bitterness? Nope, not to me, either.
The fruit of the Spirit are:

  • Love
  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Patience
  • Gentleness
  • Goodness
  • Faith
  • Meekness
  • Self-Control

Anything look like anger, wrath and bitterness there? nope, nada!

1 Corinthians 13, in the chapter describing LOVE says this:

1 Corinthians 13:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Not only does love not get easily angered, IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS.
ISN’T THAT BITTERNESS???

Before listing the fruit of the Spirit, Paul lists the fruit of the flesh.

Galatians 5:19-21 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
19 Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity,
20 idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions,
21 envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar. I tell you about these things in advance—as I told you before—that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Even though we are forgiven for our sins, and yes, we struggle with the flesh in this life, these things are not becoming of an Ambassador of Christ! While I’m studying this, as I said above, I was also studying about what it meant to be an ambassador for and of Christ through Titus 1. IBBS Titus 1:6-9 Ambassadors

See, when someone starts sharing things, things that could be perceived as teachings, they could be perceived as teachers.
I am told, as an old woman to teach the younger women.
TEACH seems to be the key word here.
This is to the older men, but, in my Titus studies, I realize, it isn’t gender specific!

Titus 2:6-8 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
7… Make yourself an example of good works with integrity and dignity in your teaching. 8 Your message is to be sound beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be ashamed, having nothing bad to say about us.

It’s a warning to anyone that potentially teaches.

James 3:1-2 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
3:1 Not many should become teachers, my brothers, knowing that we will receive a stricter judgment,

Of course…we are all called to teach…

Matthew 28:19-20 King James Version (KJV)
19 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

What does this have to do with Bitterness, unforgiveness and anger?
I HAVE NOT HAD SO MUCH TROUBLE IN YEARS WITH ANGER AND BITTERNESS TOWARDS MY FAMILY as I have since I started working on this post!
Was there anything that anyone did horrible to me?
NO!
Was there anything illegal, immoral, or of enduring effect?
NO!
I just didn’t seem to be able to LET GO of the pain!

Testimony…
Yes, I have had pains that come up, and I do have triggers because of those painful memories.
Yes, my family sometimes forgets the (long list, I’m sure) triggers that trigger me.
YES, I get hurt. Mad sometimes. Sometimes, I have to talk to them about it.
The thing is, a long time ago, I decided that I didn’t have the emotional energy, nor the mental capacity to give anger room in me! It’s exhausting!
YET NOW IT’S HAPPENING!

Maybe, just maybe, there was special grace given to me to forgive my abusers, and now, I have to seek out that grace in face of MY NEED for forgiveness.

What do I mean by that?

Matthew 6:14-15 King James Version (KJV)
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

There’s a qualification to being forgiven! Jesus said so!
I studied that when I was going through the early therapy for the PTSD, and prayed to forgive my abuser.
Years later, I went through some spiritual techniques that had you go through and forgive all those from your past. This included asking those you could contact for forgiveness where needed.
Here I am, actually writing a piece because of a few things that were bothering me…and I get hit with a month’s worth of lessons on anger, bitterness, releasing the pain, and forgiveness.

I had a diagram that I wanted to create a video of.
I’m going to share that photo here, but because of a new friend, Ebony, I’ve just been made aware of another aspect to forgiveness and bitterness that I need to work on…forgiving myself!

I’ll explain this, and maybe have a video in part two!

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

My One Word 2019 – Guard your Heart ~ PR 4:23 ~ 2/6/2019

Proverbs 4:23 English Standard Version (ESV)
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.

Wow, January, Now February.
What has happened to my post on Bitterness?
Um, I’m getting schooled!

Psalm 19:14 King James Version (KJV)
14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Let me explain.
When I write up anything that I share, or when I share something face to face with someone, my prayer is that I am not a hypocrite.
Last year, January 15th to be exact, I wrote about My One Word 2018, Be Like Jesus – Jesus is not a hypocrite.
That blog post does go into the depths of my being…who I am…what makes me tick, or not tick, as in, what might make me give up.
It touches on hypocrisy, and various ways we sweep the ‘little’ sins under the rug and point the fingers at those that have ‘bigger’ sins.

I’m a bit touchy about hypocrisy, because it’s a lie.
Here’s a blurb from that post:

Lies…that is how the abuse in my life continued.
I suppose that folks that knew lied to themselves, as well as others.
Those lies almost destroyed me.

John 8:30-32King James Version (KJV)
30 As he spake these words, many believed on him.
31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;
32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

The truth of sexual abuse is not an easy truth to accept.
but by allowing the truth to open my eyes, so many things started to fall in place that had been chaotic, and confusing. Things that had never made sense were now making sense, in the face of this ugly truth. And the bigger TRUTH??? Jesus was in control. Not me. Not my abuser. Not those that knew and allowed it.

So, to be honest about the bitterness post,
I could say that I have a drawing/illustration that needs to be done on the white board but my husband hasn’t been available to video that for me. He does videos of himself presenting to send in for work all the time, so, I do want his help. On the other hand, I can set up a camera, I can turn on video, I could make it work without him if I was really pushing to get it done.
I could say that I haven’t had time to finish it…because I was working on this, that and the other, had PT, had a bout with sickness, and blah blah blah, but the truth is that I have found time to watch TV, and to just sleep in sometimes! ( I lie in bed and pray…some people call it snoring in tongues)
Even there…I want to let folks know that there are times that I’m burdened to pray and I lie in bed to pray…as if I’m some great prayer warrior. I do, sometimes, do this. But, there are at least as many times, if not more, that I roll over and fall back to sleep.
Now – I could say that I’ve slept in because of nightmares and night terrors, and that would be true…sometimes. Others, I got carried away with solitaire on my phone, or watching shows on TV over and over….
Even there…I want to let folks know that I am cleaning up my choices of shows…I’ve never gotten into the purely occult shows…like witches, but, I have liked sci fi, and other types along those lines. I’ve become ‘addicted’ to the ability to binge watch with netflix or prime. It’s the same reason that I cannot read a fiction book before bed…I never go to sleep! Just one more chapter. Just one more episode.
While the choices I’ve made may not be considered bad by many, of the Christian mindset, even if they were beautiful representations of Christian Life and Biblical teaching, the point is…I’ve wasted time watching them.

See – even confessing I try to clean up the confession!

August 15, 2017, I wrote How Long Bitter? based on the Lord teaching me to number my days,

Psalm 90:12 – teach me to number my days so that I might apply my heart to WISDOM!
Or, officially:
Psalm 90:12
12 So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.

I had asked the Lord to teach me to number my days…and to apply my heart to wisdom.
Less than 2 years ago…he was teaching me about bitterness.
Also, just 2 years ago, He was having me look into my time management.
And my confession here is that I have not done well with it.

What has happened in the last month?
A. I’ve gone to the ER for unknown vomiting and excruciating pain. I was afraid it was going to turn into the horrible episode of dizziness with vomiting that I had in Florida last November, and was hospitalized.
What did I learn? That crying out to Jesus is just as powerful as any long winded prayer or quoting volumes of scriptures. I couldn’t do anything more than just say Jesus, Jesus…oh the blood of Jesus.
I could barely text to ask family for help.
I couldn’t text to ask for prayer partners.
I was solely reliant on my faith in Jesus, and my daughter Faith, and my husband’s prayers in Florida( I was in Ohio).

B. I’ve gone through a very emotional attack on facebook about sharing an article about a boy that committed suicide at 8 years old because he was bullied by a gang at school. The issue the others had was that this was a white boy and the gang were listed as an Asian gang. seriously…can we not just realize that no nationality has the corner on gang like groups, or bullying, or suicide and depression? Can’t we just say that no matter the color of the skin, sexual orientation, race or creed, faith or not, bullying is wrong, suicide is tragic and we need a real solution for EVERYONE? This hit me…I have an 11 year old and an 8 year old grandson…among others…and I want to protect them from this mentality!
This triggered some very difficult issues with me, as to who has the right to be declared needing help…because of my childhood.

C. Another thing that I’ve gone through is finding out that a family of young children, specifically an older girl with a brother 3 years younger have a mother that is a nurse, that is addicted to drugs and is taking the drugs from patients. This put me in a funk for a week…this is my childhood. My mom was an RN, and she took the PRNs from her patients to self medicate for bipolar. You know, that statement is so enabling! I’m still giving her an excuse. She was sick. She needed help. But so did my brother and I, from the age of 13 and 11, to when I came home from the Navy to get my brother’s guardianship moved from my mom to my dad for his care. I dropped out of school for various times to work hours to provide money for the bills. I stopped going to a full day of school the second half of my senior year in order to work full time so that I could provide for my brother, me and my mom. I also drove my mom to and from work(yes, she continued to work for senior homes, even though the community knew she had a problem) so that 1, I could have a car available, and 2, so that she was not driving under the influence. Honestly, we couldn’t tell when she was hypoglycemic and when she was drugged…but the amount of drugs that we found, and the repeated suicide attempts were pretty clear that it was mostly drugs. So, yes, the current events triggered unresolved issues from my past.

D. During the medical issue with the vomiting…my daughter brought over her dog to help calm me… Paxton and I
and, he was so concerned about me, but couldn’t stay with me for the night, because he is so bound to his babies at his house…the three boys, and watching over mama!
He reminded me of Gabriel.

Here’s an album on my page Service Dogs
Why is this something that has delayed me? Gabriel alerted to my blood sugars, my heart rate, and was a stabilizing force so that I could walk without fear of falling. Those are just three of the things he did for me.
He saved my life.
He attended mental health hospitals with me.
He did everything with me.
And, in October, 2017, I had to let him go, because of cancer and other illnesses.
I had decided I didn’t need or want another dog.
I was grieving.
Enter Paxton, and the obvious way he was able to calm me, even though he was NOT my dog!

So I started researching service dogs.
I started dealing with the fact that I would probably have to train mine, for financial reasons, again.
This was so emotional, because
1. I miss Gabriel
2. I never really felt confident in my training of Gabriel, though he behaved better than most of the police, fire, and service dogs that we met! I have issues with never feeling like anything I do is good enough, so, it just filtered over here.
3. Did I want to take on a puppy? or Did I want to take on a possible explosion of a rescue dog?
4. finances.

I found a wonderful site, Psychiatric Service Dog partners, and they had a great article on why, for psych dogs, you’d be better off with a puppy.
So much fantastic information on this site.
And, since 2008, there is an amazing amount of information now online. Not so much in 2008!

So, through various research, prayerful nights, and discussions with those that know me best, I will be going to meet a female German shepherd puppy, well, four of them, on February 19th.
I am researching the information now online for training, the requirements again, and having just created that album about Gabriel, I was able to see the fun I had in training him. I’ve also restarted the Service Dog page in order to get actual legal information, not false sales tactics out to the public, as well as encouragement.
The grief of Gabriel, the concerns for my ability, no matter the prior evidence to the contrary, and the stress of finding the ‘right’ puppy has triggered several issues in my mental health, and emotional health at this time.

E. Another thing that just started is that I’ve joined a group for Christian women who have suffered sexual abuse.
If it’s not obvious how that could be triggering, you might be new to my website!

My word for the year is to guard my heart…for out of it flow springs of living water.
Of course, if my heart is full of ugly, ugliness will flow out.
The thing is, I do not want to be hypocritical, talk about bitterness, when I’m having several areas brought to my attention about the need to forgive…not hold bitterness…not go to sleep harboring anger because it gives place to the enemy, and so many more.

I am guilty.
I am human.
The word of God is a two edged sword…sometimes it comforts me, then the other side will attempt to cut away the ugly parts of me and help me to heal from ashes to beauty by His grace.

Please forgive me for the delay, but I hope that you also can extend me grace for being human.

If you ask God to make you more Christ-like, He will take you up on that request.
The Old must pass away, and the NEW must be born!

I am a New Creation, learning and relearning to put off those things of the flesh that so easily distract me!

Here’s one of the worship songs that has been ministering to me the last few weeks.

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.