Tag Archives: storms

What’s up?

It’s February – 2015…what’s up world?
Life has been crazy here at the WildBerry Patch.
January was spent at a wonderful Residential Program called LaAmistad.
I have spent January there for the residential program, and I have spent February, until next Monday, in the Partial Hospitalization Program.

Mental Health – Web MD gives a huge overview.

What is my problem?
I’m human.
But mostly, because of how I grew up – traumas in my life – and genetic make up from my parents – I have mental illness. actually – illnesses.

I would love to be so vulnerable and transparent as to list all of the illness I have – but, one is a biggie – and is something that many of our returning Veterans have as well for different reasons – PTSD.

What is PTSD?
Again – Web MD comes to the rescue with the definition of PTSD.

PTSD is classified as:

Acute stress disorder: symptoms occurring within four weeks of the trauma.
Acute PTSD: symptoms lasting three months or less.
Delayed onset PTSD: symptoms appear six months after the trauma.
Chronic PTSD: symptoms lasting more than three months.

Why don’t you just ‘choose joy’ Christi?
Why not just forgive and forget, Christi?

Repeated trauma changes the brain chemistry – and little road maps are created in the brain – and it becomes trained to react to things that remind you of the initial trauma. These are called triggers. Someone with PTSD did not choose to have to react to triggers – but they do.

Wounded Warriors do.
Rape Victims do.
Domestic Violence victims do.
I do.

Yes, there are many verse in the Bible that are comforting to the abused.

Isaiah 40:31 – They that wait in the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
hey shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 23 is very good:

verse 4
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,
for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me

And, God promises to be with us:

Ps 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

And yet – we struggle. But the Christian has another source:

http://youtu.be/L5bLvVjJ4MA

So – through my storms this last three months, I’ve been learning to praise IN the storms. If you, or anyone you know, is having trouble with depression, dark thoughts, dangerous thoughts – seek help.
Suicide LifeLine Online

or call:
1-800-273-TALK(8255)

And know this – Jesus will be with you in this storm – and, if you need me to – send me an email – and we’ll talk.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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Where art thou, Christi?

so many things I planned to do – and then, things came up.
and then, I rewrote what I planned to do to take those things into consideration – and then, things came up.

Sometimes stupid stuff, like today – I left the toilet without making sure it flushed completely, and our whole RV is flooded – water running freely from 11 p, to 8 am. This was not what I planned for today.

Last Tuesday, I was planning to walk my 10k steps a day – to keep up what I had done at camp…but, I shut my foot in the car door – yes, I had to open the door to get it out.
Apparently, feet were not made for being shut into such tight spaces without at least being bruised.

Anyway – for various reasons, specifically my eyes, I did not start the Isaiah course I planned – and therefore – it is not here.

Because of a detox program by my doctor – I stopped the Plexus stuff – and therefore, stopped writing up those thoughts – though, I will be writing up some health journal stuff to bring this up to date. I have stopped the Plexus – because I don’t need it. But, that means, I haven’t kept up my health journal.

Because of travel – and only having a tablet that does not seem to put my blogs in the right place, and is not as convenient to type on for long thoughtful things(and, I can’t switch back and forth to have blue letter bible, google and photos easily added) – I haven’t kept up anything here!

Oh, the art? yeah – it’s sitting on the easels – untouched.

In two weeks, I have surgery on my neck. Am I scared? well, let’s just say that I feel like I am choosing the lesser of two evils. And, I’m not looking forward to it, so I’m not thinking about it, I’m thinking about November…not October 13!!!

And my mental situation? This week, I start dealing with past wounds and memories – to try to eliminate the triggers and heal – and, this is the scariest thing of all.
I think I’d rather go back and let the Navy do exploratory surgery on my back than go through this wound exploration – a lot is in journals – that I refuse to read – and now, I’m going to be discussing it with a therapist for an hour, after an hour of driving, and then, an hour of driving home.

My eyes keep dripping…my heart keeps racing…and nothing that I had planned is going to happen – and while this should be the place that I put all those wonderful no fear scriptures and memos and thoughts and sayings – right now – my mind is flooded – as I said, so flooded that my eyes are leaking.

But, if there is anyone that reads this – this is my short explanation as to where I’ve been and where I am.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Sponsor a Child

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

how many is too many?

How much is enough?

how many

how many, how much is too much?

Starting my continuing care medical appointments feels like too much.

But, how much is enough?

We live in an RV, but have lived in 2000+ sq ft houses.
We have had a new car…but now have older cars with all the bugs worked out of them.

Too much or too little?

I want to walk

I want to swim

I want to bike

I want to do body weight exercises

how many surgeries, injuries are enough? Too many? enough to get things to work well?

If I give all to the poor – ALL – if I have not love…I am a noisy gong.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though

I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. 1 Cor 13:3

But that doesn’t answer my question. How much is too much? How much is enough?

GRACE
MERCY
FORGIVENESS
PATIENCE
LONG-SUFFERING …

The fruit of the Spirit!

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness AND Self-control.

The Love Chapter in the Bible.

love is patient
love is kind
love is not envious
not conceited
not rude

Think on these things:

whatsoever things are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy.

That is a lot to keep in mind….
Then there’s

modesty,
humility,
compassion,
actions and
non actions…
how to BE MORE than you ARE!

How much is enough?

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

In the work out realm…the balanced answer is:

just do one more than you did yesterday.

But am I able to accept that what I am doing right now is enough?
Probably not.

Am I able to accept that right now, my life is revolving around doctors – helping to fix the things that have been broken?
I’m trying.

Am I able to rest in the fact that Jesus died for me – and that believing in Him is all that is needed for salvation? The Bible Tells me so:

Rom 10:9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
(and Rom 5:9-10; Acts 16:31; John 3:16-17; 1 John 3:23)

But there are times that I think I should DO more…

And then, I think about the Apostle Paul. His life was rough.
But he writes and encourages the church to be content in all things.

Reading the list of things that he went through – I think, it is too much!
Reading the times of suffering want – I think, it’s not enough!
But, Paul says – it is enough – I am content.
HOW???

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phil 4:13

Doing all things through Christ?

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;Col 3:23

So –

If I go to the doctor because I have not been miraculously healed – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
If I workout to strengthen my body – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
If I choose to dress in one way or the other – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
And if I go to bed, and I have done all that has been presented to me, I have attempted to be better today than I was yesterday, then I can be content.

AND If I stumble and fall – I have the promise that he will forgive, and pick me up – His mercies are new every morning.

How much is too much? more than I can handle. And He promised not to give me more than I can handle.

How much is too little? less effort than I can give. Less than what I have.

I’m not done with these thoughts…but this is a good place to close this for further processing.

Apparently, I need to work on being content.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Sponsor a Child

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

What a Week – GRACE ABOUNDS!

In the last two weeks we have gone from settled into our trailer(RV) life in Spring, Texas, to wanting to possibly move it to Katy, Texas, to rethinking everything in our lives financially, and remembering our first desire of our life….to live debt free in glory to the Lord, and honoring His command to owe no man anything but to love him.

So…here’s the progression:

June 1-15, safely secure in our current situation – living in an RV in Spring, TX
June 16-17, find out about a new RV park in Katy,TX and discuss moving there!
June 17-24, financial digging – Katy does not make sense $$$, but, what about our desire to be debt free? (rent the same, studio +$150, drive rougher)
June 22-23, hotel suite in Austin – room, room, room- even Gabriel seems happier
June 24- Looking at Wildwood Forest Apartments – love, love, love! (two patios, facing lake, East and South sun, a studio 3x the size, for the same rent as RV lot and Studio/Storage)
June 25 – apply for apartment (called PPL RV sellers, they want the trailer by Saturday, free detailing, for their 4th of July sale! very excited)
June 27 – accepted – put in to move before July 1st – avoid rent at RV park
June 29 – move in and empty trailer (added to the going away party for those leaving for the Katy RV park – some day in the future, we leave tomorrow) And God blessed with a cloudy day and less heat!
June 30 – empty trailer – and drive through driving rain storms down to PPL (appraiser declares it EXCELLENT!)
July 1 – no trailer, no bed, no living room furniture – but we are in this beautiful apartment, in this beautiful complex, in obedience to the Lord.

We are praying that the trailer sells quickly, so that we are out of debt…AND with $1,000 extra that we may use purchase a bed.
But, God is not done with us yet!

On top of all of this provision…we are on the third floor.
In January, I was in a wheelchair!
I am able to walk up and down these stairs – yesterday, I did it twice!
AND walked a mile around this beautiful property!

On June 13th, I was rearended…went to the ER, and we were unable to find the police report until a week ago.
The insurance agent set up with me to meet on Monday, July 2…since we were moving.
On top of giving me the $120 out of pocket expenses, and setting aside the amounts to cover the medical – SHE GAVE ME $1000 FOR MY INCONVENIENCE!

The Trailer wasn’t even on the lot at PPL, and GOD had given us the $1000 for the bed!!!

Last night, we were discussing whether or not we would use one of the credit cards to purchase a mattress “just in case”
What were we thinking? Oh US of LITTLE FAITH!!!
We have now gotten totally free of the debt, and things we bought with debt because we wouldn’t wait upon the Lord…and before the trailer is even set onto the lot for the sale, we are talking about putting things back on a credit card?
AND IN THE FACE OF GOD PROVIDING TWO WEEKS EARLIER WITH A ROMANS 8:28 TYPE OCCURRENCE!

PRAISE GOD FOR HIS GRACE ABOUNDING IN OUR LIVES!
God is so quick to forgive, so gracious to allow us to be human, and to draw us nearer and nearer to HIM!
We both decided that WE WOULD NOT GO BACK INTO DEBT TO PURCHASE THINGS BEFORE THE VERY THING WE ARE SELLING TO GET OUT OF DEBT IS LISTED TO BE SOLD!
In fact –
We both recommitted to:

Romans 13:8 Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.

These weeks have been full of roller coaster rides, death of visions, renewal of visions and commitments, and connecting to each other to refine OUR vision of OUR life for Christ Jesus.
We have had to make some hard choices in order to choose Jesus instead of OUR plans.
The joy that we feel, even in this empty apartment, is indescribable!
Grace is definitely abounding to us!

Here’s some fun photos – and a youtube video!

Bye Bye Trailer, dropping it off at PPL

WildWood Forest – our apartment – top floor on the right

WildWood Forest

WildWood Forest

The fountain outside our apartment at night

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! Or sign up for an account, and you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

28 days of Grace – day 20 – Alone – emotional turmoil

AFTER SOME SERIOUS MERRY-GO-ROUND ISSUES THIS WEEKEND – THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD:

Giant alone
Afraid of being alone
SA victim more than most…totally alone even in their own skin
The secret and the threat of revealing the secret keep the victim from those that should be for them more than any others.
How much worse when the secret is because of one that should have protected her from such secrets, and kept her from sharing with the only other that should have been there for her?

And then, when one knows that one is broken, not good enough for anyone that nature says should love her and want to be with her…or even for one that made the choice to be with her, that aloneness is thick like blood, matted together and stinking.

And if nature points to, and imitates and shadows the divine, and common nature doesn’t wasn’t to be with this one, why would a perfect divine choose to be with common that is unloved and unwanted by it’s own?

How can one so unlovable find a well of love to love others from, when their own cistern continues to be sucked dry, with only mud and refuse replaced?

Why lie about love, and then act out hatter, trying to pretend that the very hatefull act is love itself? When a child is taught from the first breath that hate is love, and that their feelings are only pawns in their ‘lovers’ chess game, the pawn understands that they are disposable for the good of the game…always protect the king and queen, if not the family.

And should such a pawn exclaim for some minute acknowledgment of existence or need, it is quickly sacrificed with the twist of guilt for not playing properly. The fault is fully that wicked pawn’s…for it was all a game….and the secret is a lie, and the damage is all your fault.

Disposable
abandonable
blameable

These are the thoughts running through my head….on this 21st day of the 28 day journey.
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi

28 Days of Grace – Day 4 – it hits!

Ok, today I have a funky headache like thing going on…not quite painful like a migraine, but with all the pressure of a migraine.
Light and noise don’t bother me, but I am having trouble focusing my eyes.

The only thing I have right now is “I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me”
And, if hanging on Jesus is the only thing I have…then I have everything I need.

Cleansing my life from toxins is painful….
For years I didn’t take getting rid of grains, sugar and dairy seriously!
Cleansing my life from besetting sins would be painful if I would work on it…seriously,
Cleansing my life from besetting sins IS painful…the reason those sins are besetting is that we are drawn to them…

So, today, I am suffering the pain of toxins washing out of my system.
Do I like it? No.
Can I see the benefit? Yes.
Will I stay the course? By God’s grace, yes I will – both physically and spiritually.
I just need to remember that this is part of the storm…and I’m supposed to be keeping my eyes on Jesus!

Not sure what else I’ll post today, but at least, I have posted for the day!

Evening Addition:]
What else?
well, we ran to WalMart, and they had a sweet lady handing out samples….and I caved!
what were the samples?
chocolate?
Cake?
no – fresh fruit! I forgot that I was not to be eating fruit yet on these 28 days….
I suppose that tiny cup with a blue berry, a black berry and two slices of strawberry won’t totally derail my program.
But, I thought it…I really did think it!
Therefore…I had to lean on God’s GRACE to let it go!
If this wasn’t these 28 days, that would have been one of the best samples to pick up in a grocery store!

In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7

28 Days of Grace day 3

Take a little wine for your stomach

1 Tim 5:23 Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach’s sake and thine often infirmities.

Yesterday, I was reading about the GAPS diet.
One of the differences between the GAPS diet and the YEAST FREE diet is the fermented items in the Introduction Diet…

“Increase daily amount of homemade yogurt and kefir, if introduced. Increase the amount of juice from sauerkraut, fermented vegetables or vegetable medley.”

Dr McManus warned me that the GAPS diet was MUCH more strict than the Yeast Free diet I am on, but the principles are the same:
Heal the Gut so that the Body can be nourished.

Paul’s exhortation to Timothy may very well have been to avoid the water….as in Montezuma’s Revenge…and drink fermented grape juice(what wine was back then). The goal was to help Timothy be healed so that he could be used for God’s glory.

verse 22 says:

Lay hands suddenly on no man, neither be partaker of other men’s sins: keep thyself pure.

verses 24-25 say:

Some men’s sins are open beforehand, going before to judgment; and some [men] they follow after.
Likewise also the good works [of some] are manifest beforehand; and they that are otherwise cannot be hid.

It’s as if, in the middle of exhorting Timothy in his ministry, Paul remembered and just said, “Oh, by the way – stop drinking that water, dude! Drink some wine and heal that stomach so that you can get over all these infirmities! We gotta get you better, man!”

I was asking God yesterday, after the whole discussion about Peter getting out of the boat, should I ask you to ask me to get out of the boat?

now, understand, I had an hour drive…and I use this time to listen to the Lord…so, He had time to deal with me!

I could hear a faint ‘yes…..here I am’
I didn’t want to ask…
I didn’t want to hear “come”.
I knew what getting out of the boat meant…
It meant moving ahead with the art and writing!
It meant challenges to face,
It meant scary opportunities,
…people saying no…
believing for funds and helpers and provisions and ideas and HEALTH!!!

I finally got quiet…
“If it’s you Lord….”
‘YOU ARE ALREADY OUT OF THE BOAT – STOP LOOKING AT THE STORMS!”

WHAT???? When did I get out of the boat?
“when you signed the lease to the studio! STOP LOOKING AT THE STORMS!”

WHAT???
“When you said you trusted me with your whole heart, now STOP LOOKING AT THE STORMS!”

Stop Looking at the storms – WHY?
THEY ARE MAKING ME SICK!!!
…WITH WORRY
…WITH FEAR
…they are paralyzing me!
…they are preventing me from moving forward to do the work that God has prepared beforehand that I should walk in them! (Eph 2:10)

What about the wine?????

Psalm 4:7 Thou hast put gladness in my heart, more than in the time [that] their corn and their wine increased.

Then, HE reminded me of this verse:

Isiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

The point is, I have a job to do, I have good works that I am supposed to be doing so that God would be glorified. I have words that God has placed in my heart that need to be shared…
I’m NOT Christ, but I am CHRISTI, AND:

The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me;
because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek;
he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all that mourn;
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion,
to give unto them beauty for ashes,
the oil of joy for mourning,
the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
that they might be called trees of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD,
that he might be glorified.
Isaiah 61:1-3

I’m already out of the boat – it’s my old nature that is looking around at that storm…
DRINK NO LONGER WATER – don’t pay attention to the things of this world…they are NOT PURE!
TAKE A LITTLE WINE FOR YOUR STOMACH – get your body healthy, with what I say!
AND FOR YOUR OFT INFIRMITIES – One preacher defined infirmities as those things that constantly come up and we constantly struggle with.
Mine is fear.
Lack of self confidence, even in my ability to hear the voice of the Lord.

Matt 26:27-28 And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave [it] to them, saying, Drink ye all of it;
For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.

The woman at the well asked Jesus for the Living Water, from which one would never thirst.(John 4:10ff)

Here is His reply:

John 14:14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

My Father has provided, by His grace, a physical program to heal my stomach and gut. I need to follow it.
My Father, through Jesus Christ, has provided cleansing for my sins, and living water, pure and alive, for my ability to do HIS WILL to HIS GLORY.
I need to drink of HIS wine daily. I need to drink ALL OF IT!

I need to remember that sin is all around me, and always needing to be dealt with,
but in the middle of the storms of life,
God has provided me with PURE WATER – Water that HE turned to WINE by HIS BLOOD at the cross.

In a way, I need to give up my whine for HIS WINE…and drink freely from the fountain of living water!
And HE has provided the strength by HIS grace!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! Just sign up for an account, and you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Depression like Driving Rain

Depression comes like the darkness of night
slowly blinding, and taking your sight.
First it feels gray
in the midst of the day
then it feels thick
like mud with a stick.
for help you reach out
and to others give shout
but the sucking is on
and assistance is nought.

Darkness falls down
scary things all around
Listening for the sound
of one on solid ground
Comes driving rain
cleansing all stains
Lightning strikes again
and illuminates the pain

I kneel before the King
to whom I used to sing
I wonder where His wing
to shelter me from pain?

Muscles grow in pain,
flowers grow in rain,
Sunshine brings the heat
that on the earth does beat.
The rain will wash away
the pains they cannot stay
renewal is my way
neath my wing for you to stay.
Neath the shadow you do sing
and give praises to your King
the scary things are lies
and demons in disguise
I’ll cover you anew
just as you ask me to
give up this fear of yours
and let my love run it’s course.

I love you more than you can know
but my rain disturbs you so
will you let me love you true
and do the things I do?
Let me pour out grace like rain
Let me see thoswe pains again
Let me show you truth alone
and remove those stumbling stones

You are my chosen girl
I know your hair, your curls
I made you as you are
and I think you are a star
You love me totally
and your heart I truly see
Just look up and you will see
you are snuggled next to Me.
I allow only the pain
that will make you strong again
and the darkness that you see
is abiding deep in me
My wings provide the shadow
against the heat of your sorrow
As you snuggle deeper in
I protect you from those sins
those things that make you hurt
those things that burn
those tears that do surround
that mucky mirey ground

Come to me
my precious one
draw near to me
within the Son
Night will pass
and day will dawn
those horrors will soon
be all gone

Your mind will be renewed
and I can wash you through
My grace will set you free
My love will give you wings
And then again you’ll sing
‘neath the shadow of My wings.

written as given – 8/4/2011

To those that read this…this is my heart…please be gentle.
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 67:3 Because you are my help, I will sing beneath the shadow of Your wings.

The First 100 days- Day 85 – Like the Waves

Galveston, Tx
The Gulf of Mexico.
March 26, 2011

Waves of water
ebb and flow
with the ocean’s
push and pull.

Coming in,
lay down fresh sand
water washing
onto the land.

Flowing out,
and taking trash,
but digging ruts
with splish and splash

Ridges roll
bumps fall down
circles swirl
is that a crown?

Trials flow
in and out
cutting down
the trash of doubt

Holy Spirit
washes o’r
and the sins
are never more.

Slowly scraping
sin and flesh
and molding me
into holiness.

Things that fight
the flow of God
rip and tear
break down and fall

Flowing with
the waves of God
is peaceful, joyful,
life unfraught

Waves of God
please overflow
wash away
sin’s tight hold

Take out the flesh
that over rides
my spirit hopes,
and heart’s desires

Swirl around
my heart and soul
mold me, make me
white as snow.

As I yield to
Your ocean’s flow
renew my mind
so that I know

I know that you
are King of Kings
and you are Lord
of everything

When I’m allowed
to fall down,
it’s only to
design my crown

Your hands are always
holding me
just like the beach
holds the sea

The ocean waves
they ebb and flow
illustrate
God’s power to know

None can count
the ocean sand
But out of trillions
God holds my hand

I can ride
the waves of life
with peace from God,
and not with strife.

He has a plan
that’s just for me
If I will just
abide with HE.

Wash me with
Your water, Lord,
Help me live
life by Your word.

Thank you, Lord.

The First 100 days – day 62 – storms

I have failed to write this blog consistently…and this response is more personal…this is my life.

Life is happening here…but after reading about a friend’s life…I am reminded of the story about the woman that met with Jesus about how heavy her burdens were. He showed her the burdens of those around her, that she could not see – and everyone of those that she picked up were too big, too heavy for her. Then she saw this small burden and asked who’s that was…she was told to pick it up, and she said “it’s so light? Whose is this?” Yours, my child…

So, life is happening here…I have a disability that makes these difficulties challenging…but, I have a God that is greater than all these things…and I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.

I have to remember, like Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress…the lions are chained.
I haven’t been able to T-Tapp, because for some reason, my energy levels, my strength, my heart rate and my breathing have all continued down hill. I haven’t even been able to take walks.
I will be taking my walker to Germany, and we are talking about some sort of braces for my ankles.
Apparently, my Fibromyalgia is in rare form, and I’ve had to add Mobix to aid the pain issues.

Other than that, this is all I have to get done:

planning the downsizing(Katy Christian Ministries is getting lots and lots of stuff),
preparing for the trip(April 18-May 18),
doing training for Gabe in prep for Germany(classes and trainers),
preparing for the move at the end of May(which has to be ready before I leave for Germany),
planning the June trip to Ohio(where I will meet a man that wants to confirm face to face what my father was – as in, validate the memories that have ‘destroyed’ my life), and that trip needs to be planned before I leave for Germany,
plan for Faith and Daniel’s visit here in July(because when I get back, I will be too busy moving and vacation to mess with tickets then), and
prepare for medical issues that have come up – in the mean time.

I haven’t blogged.
I haven’t kept up with the scripture memorization.
I’m not T-tapping much more than once a week, though sometimes I skin brush
I’m not walking much – energy issues
I’m not checking in here, or encouraging folks on the my initiated 50 challenge, or even doing the second 50 day challenge.
My blood work came back worse…even though I have eaten better, and exercised better during that 3 months. I KNOW that becoming fully diabetic is my fault. God gave me 7 years…and I failed.
I need to find that money tree…oh right, my God shall provide all my needs….
I’m failing commitments all over.

Anxiety? A little.
Physically – things seem to have gone backwards.
Making progress? definitely…but not as fast, or as well as I’d like…see that noun?

I ‘need’ a foundation…and I have put much of my roots into certain physical things that make me feel at home. God is shaking those roots…and reminding me that my roots need to be grounded somewhere even deeper…and I KNOW that I will get through this…

BUT – in the mean time…I feel like I am going through an earthquake, hurricane, and forest fire all at the same time. Sometimes, daily. I need to remember Elijah…in the cave…God is not in all of this, I need to be still, and wait for HIS still small voice.

The problem – when I get still, and hear his still small voice…I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE!!! I want to stay in HIS presence! LOL, I don’t want to go back to the storms!!! But, they still keep raging…and I am learning that while there are times that I need to turn my back on the storms, and look into Jesus’ face…apparently, there are times that I need to face the storms…Sometimes, I need to face my enemies…knowing that HE has my back…and when it’s too dangerous, HE will command the storms to cease.

Still, I daily find myself to be human, weak, and struggling with my inabilities. Technically, in the Biblical and Spiritual world, that means that I am learning that when I am weak, HE is strong. Military Boot Camp was hard…but I learned my weaknesses, and the Navy showed me how to become strong. This is like God’s boot camp for me…and I KNOW that I will come out stronger. I KNOW that HE is with me. I KNOW that THIS is to help me put off those fleshly rags, and put on the garments that HE purchased for me.

I also KNOW that I should be counting all these things gifts, and rejoicing in these trials, testings…because HE is making me into what HE has planned for me. I KNOW that I will be better for these things. But, I also KNOW that I am human. These things hurt, like Eustace’s shedding of the dragon skin – he couldn’t do it alone – Aslan had to use his claws to cut through the layers. My God, My Christ, My Savior, My redeemer Jesus is answering my prayer to be more like HIM. right now, HE is clawing through the layers of fleshly baggage…because I can’t do it alone.

Sometimes, my heart holds on to “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”
Sometimes, I remember “I shall not die, but live to declare the glory of God.”
I’m trying to just stand – simply stand, and wait to see the deliverance of God.
Sometimes, I just acquiesce to the process…which implies some pride still.
I don’t know that I have totally yielded to this process….which probably means I’m not being still. Actually, re-reading that – duh…I haven’t’ yielded yet!

One thing I know – God knows that I am but dust, and still, He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling…and to present you faultless …FAULTLESS…before the presence of HIS glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God, be glory and majesty, dominion and power both now and ever. Amen.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,

In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.