Job 3:1-4 After this opened Job his mouth, and cursed his day.  And Job spake, and said, Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night [in which] it was said, There is a man child conceived. Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it.

In my life, I am responsible for my choices.

In my life, my choices affect others.

When my choices affect others in a negative way, I get sad.

When my choices affect others in a negative way, and I cannot fix it…I get depressed.

Depression is a disease.  I have what is called Major Depressive Disorder, or Unipolar Depression.  In me, it’s mostly under control now, but sometimes, it sneaks up on  me like a snake in tall grass..

The problem with an issue that causes depression flare ups, is that sometimes, the issue doesn’t make any sense to anyone other than me(the depressive person).  It’s like a washing machine going around and around in my head…getting faster and faster…and everyone else is on the outside saying “just turn it off”.  Hello – there’s no off switch on the inside of the washer!!!!

Job 3:20-24 “Oh, why should light be given to the weary, and life to those in misery? They long for death, and it won’t come. They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure.  It is a blessed relief when they finally die, when they find the grave. Why is life given to those with no future, those destined by God to live in distress? I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water.

I’m not suicidal  – this time.  Though as I wrote in my prior essay on Job, I have been there…countless times.

So – cutting doesn’t work.

drugs doesn’t work.

alcohol doesn’t work

Suicide won’t work.

Binge eating won’t work.

Movie marathons don’t work.

Crying just comes…tears just roll down my cheeks….

I can’t concentrate on my blog in progress.

I don’t want to eat(not a really bad thing for me).

I am overwhelmed with “I HAVE FAILED, AGAIN” feelings.

The ‘silly’ issues are so huge.

Giving up my books – they have been a grounding point for me all through my struggles since the memories triggered the depression.

Not being able to provide Jim with a lovely home in the RV…

Not being able to be focused in one mindset….being double minded(in more ways than one).

I have no faith in me.

Which means, I have no faith in God’s ability to work in me.

Well – there’s another Christi failure.

Sarah.

Rachel.

Rahab.

Three female failures that God used.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Depression is a valley in the shadow of death.  That’s the truth.

Jesus walks with me in the valley.  That’s truth.

I have spent money on things that stare me in the face…money that could have been spent on something better…money that could have done more good.  But I chose to spend that money, because I thought it was the right thing to do in the circumstance. I made the choice I thought was right, given the information I had at the time.  So, now, looking back, I regret that I didn’t have prophetic wisdom?

So, now my cry is…am I hearing God’s voice?

John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:

The Israelite’s knew when God wasn’t with them…they went out and fought, and if they lost even 1 man…they came back and fell on their knees to the Lord. But even after repenting.. that one man, 10 men, 30 men, were still dead.

That’s the thing about messing up…circumstances remain.

Sarah had Hagar and Ishmael to deal with – and look at what that has done to our world.

Rebekah deceived her husband, and didn’t live to see Jacob and his children, and the deception send Esau towards the Ishmaelites…more enemies for the Jews.

Rachel brought the idols away from her father’s house…interestingly, she died in childbirth.

Peter denied Christ…and almost gave up.

Stephen was still dead when Saul turned to Paul.

Our circumstances always follow us…as signs saying

DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!!!

Prov 26:2 As the bird by wandering, as the swallow by flying, so the curse causeless shall not come.

I’ll straighten out that KJV –

• a curse doesn’t come without a cause.
• A curse that comes is not without cause.
• If a curse comes, there is a cause.

I’m not saying that I am cursed….I’m saying that circumstances come for a reason. Deut 28 is a great chapter to see cause and effect.  Proverbs is good, too!

Prov 26:6 He that sendeth a message by the hand of a fool cutteth off the feet, [and] drinketh damage.

Prov 26:11 As a dog returneth to his vomit, [so] a fool returneth to his folly.

BUT GOD!

As I was looking at the cause and effect of my choices, an angel called.  Yes, an angel named Faith called me on the phone.  Since she is my daughter, with a newborn baby, married to a soldier that is away for the week, I had promised her that I would answer the phone when she called.  I try to always keep my promises, no matter how sad I feel.

Faith was my Elihu.  And because of her ability to speak the truth, in love, I was able to hear the Lord’s voice and walk out of this valley of the shadow of death.

I have had to endure the Lord speaking to me out of a whirlwind before…of course, I think I was the one that created the whirlwind of chaos!

Today, through prayer, and crying out as I searched through the scriptures, God answered me through the sweet sounds of our daughter.  She was even used as a rod in God’s hands to point out a blind spot – that I was able to repent over, and be freed from that bondage. I was also able to hear the real size of the issues, and rest in the Lord, to be content in peace.

3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.

I have a thorn in my flesh – like Paul – though not for the same reason: 2 Cor 12:7 – And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

But more so that in my weakness, I can turn to HIM. 2 Cor 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This ‘infirmity’ may never leave me.  But neither will the Lord Jesus Christ.

Is 41:10 NLT Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Is 41:13 NLT I am holding you by your right hand–I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, `Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.

Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Savior be honor and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. Jude 24-25

With this kind of God – and the enormous love He sheds upon me – how can I give up?  How can I quit?  I can…but I am compelled by His great love – to love.  I love, because He first loved me(1 John 4:19).

I do have past mistakes, and I’m pretty sure I will make future mistakes, and I have even made mistakes today.  But God knew all about them, and MY God is BIG enough to handle MY mistakes, an make sure that all things work together for my good and His glory!  Anything less is a lack of faith…as in, my God is too small.  I got to let Him out of the box I keep putting Him in!  It’s when I let HIM be God that I truly enjoy the joy of the Lord.

I praise God that He had Faith call.  I praise God that I had a human voice that was Jesus to me.  I praise God for His great love, compassion, and patience with me.

A year ago, this may have turned out differently, but by God’s grace, I am here, and I shall live to declare the glory of God!(Ps 118:17)

Thanks for joining me in this journey,

In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

1. 100 days challenge – moving, a dog walk
2. 100 days challenge- blog – check
3. 90 days Bible Reading – catching up
4. 50 days T-Tapp – check – HD & AL